Kindeyes

I got hit from the blindside this week. It has really knocked me for a loop. I received a package from my ex-sister-in-law whom I haven't communicated with or talked to in about 27 years (the Aunt of my AS). She lives 3,000 miles away and has had little contact with this situation except as told I'm sure through her brother (my ex husband whom I divorced when my son was 1-1/2 years old).

In the package were two books"

Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention by Jeff & Debra Jay
and
No More Letting Go by Debra Jay

Tucked inside of one of the books was a letter.

Dear C
It sure has been a long time. I hope you will receive what I am sending knowing it comes from a place of concern and hope.

I have learned about some of the troubles that have been going on for S and by extension to you and your family. I am guessing your state of mind has been everywhere and also heartsick with S being out of control and unreachable. It appears he is unable to make positive decisions for himself at this time.

I have gone back and forth about sending these books but everytime I re-read the first few pages of either of the books, I feel sending them is what I'm wanting to do, and I am hoping you do not find me interfering.

I know, from a good friend of mine who works in the field of recovery, that it sometimes takes more than one attempt to bring a person around to being free of substances and to get the assistance needed to put their life back on track.

I sincerely hope that S will be able to do that, for his sake, for the sake of your whole family, his (biological) father, and most importantly his son.

I hope you are well and you are welcome to call me for any reason, at the same time I do not expect that so please, no pressure/expectation, just hope for a better future.

Peace
M

PS I got your work address because C (her brother-my ex-husband) had told me the name of your business in the past so I was able to look it up. I have not told him I am doing this (sending letter and books) yet. I don't want to be viewed as interfering but the part of me that knows what is more important has won. Anyway if you would keep this confidential I would appreciate it.

This letter has stirred up all kinds of strange feelings for me and I don't think I am processing those feelings well. So....I am turning to my SR friends to help me view this from the perspective of recovery.....mine.

The feelings that have been stirred up are feelings of "I haven't done enough". I need to try harder to get him into recovery. I have failed in raising my son and I obviously haven't read or researched enough. All that stinky thinking.

I haven't responded. I haven't called. She provided her address and phone numbers. I've been down and crying for a couple of days now feeling like I'm a worthless piece of s**t for a mother. I'm sure that's not what she intended to do with her letter.......but that's been the result.

I need perspective.

Yes. I'm worried as he77 about my son. He's living on the streets. I don't know how or if he is eating. I don't know how much heroin and meth he is plowing into his sytem. We've been dealing with his problems with drugs and alcohol for 14 years.

I was doing pretty well in my own recovery until this letter and the books showed up......and now.....I feel like I've been knocked backwards. And I'm struggling to find my center again.

Why on earth have I let this upset me so? I don't know if I should call her and explain to her what has been going on with him or if I should just ignore it.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

gentle hugs

Freedom1990

How is your conscious contact with your HP?

That's the first thing I look at when something really knocks me for a loop.

Then I look at where I might need to shore up in my recovery program.

There was some kind of opening in the armor of your program where you assumed the guilt again for your son's addiction and current state.

I can take back that guilt too if I'm not careful.

She hasn't lived in your shoes, hon.

I think she did mean well.

Get connected with your HP again. Release the guilt.

Nerdgirl

I'm sorry that you're feeling so blue kindeyes.

There is nothing that you can do to protect someone from themselves. Nothing. If you moved heaven and earth it would not have made a difference in this outcome, so please please please don't beat yourself up over feelings of inadequacy.

Look at the substance of exSIL's letter - "it comes from a place of concern and hope." take it for what probably it is, a small gesture from someone who wants to help but doesn't know what else to do.

Be well. ((hugs))

fourmaggie

oh KINDEYES..I am sorry someone in the EX has detached from you so long ago...but it does not change a thing right?

you still did not
3 c's
1. cause the disease
2. you can not control the disease
3 you can not cure the disease..

nothing has changed for YOU...the disease in your son is still the same...maybe you can send her back some AL ANON lit. (and then leave it at that)...no?

BBD

I'm so sorry that this upset you so. The way I take it is she is trying to connect in a good way. I'm not so sure of all of the past for you but I get you've been divorced for a long time. Maybe your X SIL thought that long ago you could have helped your hubby more~~~~and now realizes you couldn't. She probably thought things she shouldn't have and is now realizing that. Its a tough call but don't get thrown by it.....Me~~I'd probably call her and see what (after all this time)) convinced her to send you that reading material. There may be some quilt on her side that she's trying to make peace with...who knows. Take care of yourself hon.........Smiles, Bonnie

EJG123

I agree with Freedom, she hasn't lived in your shoes. I think she means well but has no good way to know whether the books she sent are appropriate or not. You should not let it make you second guess yourself.

My AD has flip flopped all over the place about interventions and rehab. She has said that she would never want an intervention. Then she has said that she would love to go to a good rehab some place. She went to a detox but left after 12 hours. Now she says she does not want detox or rehab. She was on suboxone but misused it. She tried again with the same results. She said she expected relapse cyclically. A few weeks ago she was talking about starting methadone. Yesterday she said she was thinking of getting clean and moving out-of-town with a recovering addict. Today she texted to say she wasn't moving because she did not like the area. It really just emphasizes to me that she needs to make her own decisions and stick with them if she ever wants to recover. Her world is completely beyond me.

Hugs to you Kindeyes. You will be okay.

greeteachday

I'm sorry this knocked you for a loop, Kindeyes. I believe that Freedom's observation is one worth exploring...From the outside looking in, it seems as if your ex-sil is trying in the best way she knows how. I don't believe she means to question your ability at all, and certainly she has no idea where you are at nor what it is like to live in your shoes...But I do suspect she has had experience in some way with wanting to "fix things."

I have found many times what I think someone's motives are is just a projection of some doubt or question in my own mind...So many times it ends up that any negative was in my own head. When I accept a gift (not a material gift; rather the gift of kindness or friendship or love) for what it is, rather than for what I think it may be, I am always rewarded. That has been part of the joy of recovery for me...to let go of suspicion and fear of trusting, and give love, for it returns a hundred fold when given without expecting something in return. I know it is a different perspective, but to me, I think that the love you give has been returned to you through this communication.

It is your choice whether you reach out to her or not; however, should you decide to, please think about whether it makes more sense to just say thank you for thinking of me rather than trying to defend or explain yourself. Gentle hugs to you as you work your way through this.

grateful2b

(((Kindeyes)))

For me, you are a woman of grace and light...your recovery, always strong, and your ESH, generous...

I feel her intent was good , respectful, and kind...

27 years - she does not know you, she does not know of your journey of recovery, with yourself or your son...

It might put her mind as ease, if she knew that you have done and are doing everything you need to, to help yourself and your son move forward?

not saying you should contact her...but the irony!

Babyblue

Not so sure it comes from a place of concern to be honest. I see it more as a way of dealing with her own guilt rather than something to truly help you.
If she had sent you a nice card reaching out to you first then that would have been very appropriate and a kind gesture. This missed the mark.

The fact that you were shaken up by it is exactly why she should NOT have sent those things. Someone advised her wrong. Or she didn't give it enough thought as to how you'd react when receiving it.

You don't owe her an explanation.

Ann

That would knock me off balance too, Kindeyes, for the simple reason that someone who I had never discussed this situation with and who has absolutely no firsthand knowledge of what I had been through, presumes to know what "I" need to do.

Pfffffftttttt and a pox to people like her, well-meaning or not.

If anyone wants to extend the hand of friendship to me, there better be no strings, no shoulda's, no instructions attached.
Anything less than an open palm, gets my joy buzzer surprise!!

Hugs to you sweetie, you have done nothing wrong and like me, you have been a wonderful mother filled with love.

Hugs from one mama to another.

Hollyanne

Hi Kindeyes,
I love my nephew!!!!!! It is possible that SIL feels very sad about your troubled son. She is trying to contribute something but knows not to barge in telling you what to do. THAT would be annoying and would make you angry!
I tend to cry when someone is nice to me.
She has unfortunately stirred the mom in you. You can't help your son. You certainly did not cause it, but of course you wish you could do something. I am not a parent. Cannot imagine for one minute how hard it is for you. Even a "normal" child is bound to do your head in, not to mind when they go off road.
Read the books if they interest you. Maybe this is the man upstairs putting a potential friend in your path. Maybe you can have a little support.
I would miss my brothers in law if they were to separate from my sisters. Maybe she did stay away out of loyalty to Ex. Maybe she tried to talk to Ex and he was not receptive. Maybe she thinks this is too big for "loyalty". Maybe she is scared.
It is not over 'til it's over. People have come off the streets and why not your son? Big hugs to you, and it is ok to cry. He is still your baby.

cece1960

(((Kindeyes)))
I'm sorry this has thrown you. Even after all the years here, I am sometimes thrown by a comment or a gesture.
I do believe she felt she was doing the right thing...for herself. Your reaction does not make it wrong, just something that may not be appropriate for you at this time. Keep in mind that she has no idea where you are with all of this, just where your son is.

If you feel the need to respond, a simple thank you for caring would suffice. But, there is nothing you "must" do, given the curcumstances.

Perhaps she has your son in her prayers, which never hurts, ya know?

YOU are a good woman, a good mom, and you are doing the best you can with what you've been dealt, and your gentle hugs go a long way
Rest easy Kindeyes...

(((Big Fat Mom Hugs)))

CatsPajamas

Remember, what other people think of you is really none of your business. It sounds funny, but it's got a lot of truth in it.

Perhaps she has some experience with some sort of recovery and is trying to pass it along? We could spend time dissecting what she said, but then I remember part of OUR recovery is to give up trying to read others' minds.

She reached out, she sent you some books and prayers for your son. Just like with other pieces of our program, perhaps you can take what you liked and leave the rest?

You're a good mom,and you're working a program for yourself, trusting your son to the care of his higher power. That's about the best gift you can give him.

Mom hugs

keepinon

btw..isn't No More Letting Go the OPPOSITE of what we are learning?weird

Hunny1116

Oh, Kindeyes...

You know our stories are parallel, even to this... Someone in recovery made a comment to me last week and I was also shaken to my core wondering if I was doing the right thing, judging myself as a mother. The next day, I felt a little better about it and the day after that almost couldn't remember feeling bad. The wisdom of "This Too Shall Pass," I guess.

What others think has always been a powerful trigger for me. And, even if I didn't really know their intentions, I would always think the worst. But, you know, that is beginning to change... just a little...

As to the books, accept them as a gift. And, like the lamp from Aunt Edna, if you love them, keep 'em. If you can't stand them, give 'em away. FYI, Jeff and Debra Jay are professional interventionists. According to their website they "will guide you in addressing the issues of alcoholism, drug addiction and other disorders and will provide expert direction in planning every aspect of the intervention." Hmmmmm, as my hubbie would say, "There's money in them hills." Personally, I will stick with what works for me... Alanon, CoDa, The Language of Letting Go and SR.

Love you, and thank you for always being there for me.

Spiritual Seeker

Hi C,
What a great group of we have here and insightful responses !!!!

I have one of the books S-I-L sent:
Love First: A Family's Guide by Jeff & Debra Jay ( whether used for intervention or not, the book has a good message.)

I agree with comments above.
It is important we don't wrap a story around other people, but take them at face value.
Your lives have been separated by distance and time, but this lady still cares about your son because he'll always be her nephew. She means well.

It is not easy to reach out after 27 yrs., but she did.
She must feel powerless (as most of do with addiction and divorce) but wanted do something to be helpful.


The books prob. bring to the forefront thoughts you try to detach from
" Is there more I should be doing to save my child ? "
In my experience, when parents are divorced, it is the mothers who usually feel responsible and get grown kids to recovery. We're also the ones to ruminate about the coulda, shoulda and woulda and fill the majority of the seats in parent alanon meetings.
My ex never instigated rehab or paid for it the three times my son went.

What do you feel like doing now? Staying the course is a perfectly fine option.
Are you curious to contact the S-I-L. ?
Can you have gratitude in this situation ?

Unfortunately, With your son's current state, it is difficult to be at peace.
I know that some hours of ea. day you do manage some serenity, and that
you are a fabulous example of how our program works.
I also know that you're doing your best for yourself and your son.
(((((((((Kindeyes)))))))))))))

outlander

gentle Hugs to you kindeyes you have helped me in many ways. I feel for you because you were final in a place of peace. We as mothers I think always wonder at the job that we do but always now in your heart that you are the best and only mother your son has and you will do anything to protect him. The farthest distance we ever have to travel is 18 inches from you heart to your head. You know in your heart what you have done is the right thing you just have to get your head to listen. I am praying for you and your son. peace.

keepinon

My missin in action SIL has recently popped up too. She has gone to vist my daughter at her sle. SIL has 12 years sober now. I had suspicions about her motives, but it seems like she really just wants to help out a fellow addict in recovery.
When anyone else makes suggestions, I pretty much know they don't know sh** about addiction..like duh..trying to get them to rehab..good idea! I'll have to try that!Thanks for your awesome advice!..IGNORE.. they do not know the pain they cause w/their ignorance.I too, used to know everything until life kicked me in the as$ a few times..I really did only have good intentions with all my "advice" that wasn't asked for!

Ann

You're all probably right, but I'm still not putting down my joy buzzer

Freedom1990

For the love of mud, Ann! What other accessory could be any better to go along with those steel-toed bunny slippers?! Buzz away!