HealingWillCome

Hands are shaking.

I JUST received this text from XABF. Not one shred of contact for the past 2 1/2 months. Not one word, not one sighting, absolutely nothing. I've been happy that way.

Now this. "I love going to chuch. For one solid hour I get to dream about what could be. You're the most awesome woman in the world. Thinking about you. I love you. God bless you."

We went to church together most every week. We talked often about our spiritual beliefs. He was attempting recovery at different times during our 2 year relationship. He wants to be healed, I'm sure of it.

He also drank and used drugs during much of our time together. Hid it well. He went immediately to the arms of someone else within days after I left him the last time. He completely disrespected me. He contacted me while with someone else during the summer. I wouldn't bite, told him I wouldn't be part of the dishonesty.

His actions don't always match his words. Pretty much the bottom line for me.

I believe that he believes the words he just sent me. But an hour from now, he could easily be drunk and watching football with a girlfriend. No way for me to know.

So, now that I have thought this out, through this post...I will not respond. Too much hard work of my own to give up over one little text from an addict/alcoholic who gives me no reason to believe his words.

transformyself

Wow, what an honest, sane response. Good for you. Walk through the emotions, remember who you're dealing with. That's my plan too. It's hard but seriously more tolerable than believing our denial.
Hugs

HealingWillCome

Thanks, Transform. The part of me that wants to believe him (because after all, how could a grown man with so many great qualities be such a good liar?) is getting stronger. Fantasy vs. reality. Denial exposed.

I still pray for him every single day. I pray that he is healed. I give him to God, picture him in God's arms, finding the peace and dignity and joy that we all deserve. I believe he will be there some day.

But now it feels good to ask God to do those things for me, too. Now I also pray for myself (didn't used to do that for some weird reason -- felt selfish -- codependent behavior, I think.)

XABF and I can each have that peace and healing some day. But we don't have to get there together, in a toxic, sometimes wonderful, but most-times-painful relationship.

Freedom1990

For me, healing involved a heck of a lot of footwork on my part. It's still that way today.

If he truly wanted it, he'd be doing the work.

If I can get clean/sober, anyone can, providing they are willing to work for it.

fourmaggie

hey I got TOOLS too...*hehe* and i use the hammer alot!! *lol*

HealingWillCome

Lyn, yes, the adrenalin rush...that was my immediate thought when I noticed my reaction. And half-way through typing my post it was completely gone, thank God. Yes, it feels great to know better now, to recognize it for what it is. To have a place like SR to sort it out and get through it. I was thinking about how glad I was that I was actually online here at the time I got his text. Thanks for the encouragement.

Freedom, you and others here taught me that he is responsible for his own future...exactly what you said..."if he truly wanted it, he'd be doing the work." He may be working on it, I have no idea, but I now understand that I don't need to know in order to be happy and have my own peace. It is very freeing. Thanks for all your words of wisdom that you share here each week.

Freedom1990

Thank you for everything you share with us. We are all in this thing together!

coyote21

That adrenaline dump is so weird. I'm pretty in tune with feeling what's going on with my body, I get a small dump every time the phone rings. It's a cheap cordless with no ringer volume. it's always loud. Most of the time it's someone I don't want to talk to, other wise I'd be calling them, most of the time axw for LMC.

Those rushes/dumps are so complete and powerful, I can feel the drug as it spreads through my body. I do not like it. I can't be good for us either. It's been 4 years and I've tried, but I guess it's not going to get much better.

I do sympathize.

Count your lucky stars you didn't have babies with him, that's till someone dies. Too damned long!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

HealingWillCome

I don't like it either, Coyote. Hate it, in fact. That's why it's hard for me to believe that as codependents we could actually be addicted to the rush as some believe. Addictions are supposed to bring a temporary pleasure, right? But I get nothing pleasurable from that kind of chemical reaction.

It did help me to read "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" (the Damn Book ) to understand why our bodies react this way. It is a defense mechanism for when our brain recognizes danger. It physically prepares our body to fight or take flight by putting it on alert, sort of heightening our physical capabilities. The problem is that when we're in constant turmoil, the drug doesn't shut down. Just keeps on producing. That's when we're at our sickest, in constant stress.

Word to that, although I did have babies (three of them) with XAH. It is hard, and I feel for you because I know the challenges you experience with XAW and how she affects Little Miss. Keeping you all in my prayers. You're a good dad. Hugs and peace to you.

MMkM

Healingwillcome so glad the forum people are explaining physically what you are going through.

Follow their advice.

Have you gone no contact where he cannot text you and disturb you again? You don't need this. And even getting a new phone where he does not know how to reach you might be good idea. Don't let yourself be put through this strain.

Learn2Live

Yeah, the sicko I was involved with still calls me and leaves stupid messages like that too. How he misses me and is thinking about me and how I am the ONLY woman for him, and how we are MEANT to be together. It's crap, hon. The same crap he used on me in the beginning, the same crap he used on me for 2 years (or however long it was), and the same crap he likely uses on every other woman he uses and abuses. They are opportunists. And opportunitists plant seeds everywhere they think they might be able to grow some opportunity. I totally understand that adrenalin rush/panic in your heart you got when he dropped that seed. Brush it off and walk on. A blip on the screen.

Good work HealingWillCome! (and I'm guilt-trippin' on the fact that I never even got through the first chapter of that damn book!)

HealingWillCome

Thanks, MMkM. Yes, I've been no contact for a long time and I'm over the short reaction I had when the text came. I actually understand the adrenaline thing, too (see my post above). I've been studying and working on a self-awareness of the biochemistry thing for a few months now...it has turned on a light bulb for me. And I'm happy to report that I haven't given more than a few minutes thought to his text since it came yesterday. That is a victory for me.

L2L, you'd think they'd give up wouldn't you? Especially at the point where they realize someone isn't interested in the deception anymore. For me it was about preservation of my self-respect and dignity. I was not going to let anyone steal those from me. I got so tired of the lies -- they were the bottom line, deal breaker material.

Hey, about the book...you'll get there when you get there! The words in that thing are powerful. Hard stuff to face, and when you're ready you'll pick it up again. Thanks for the encouragement.