wpainterw

I was a binge drinker for forty years and what I learned was that I was a slow learner. I did sense that I had a “problem” so I went to a well known and respected doctor to see what could be done about that. I’d heard that drinking might be a “symptom” of an underlying “condition” and that you've got to get at the "cause" or you'll not be able to give up drinking. So, since the doc was a fan of Freud, I spent lots of time talking about my mom, my sister, whatever! And I continued to drink. I had trouble sleeping and my doc prescribed barbiturates. One morning I happened to see at the bottom of my vodka bottle the remains of an empty capsule. During the night I must have been trying to wash down a barbiturate with vodka and the capsule merely sank to the bottom and released its contents in the fluid. I didn’t die. I was stopped for a DUI and asked the magistrate to recommend an attorney. He gave me a list of ones. I chose one and that attorney got the charge dropped. I continued to drink. My doctor never suggested AA and merely remarked that "some folks seem to have problems with it."
I spent a lot of time reading books about alcoholism. What it is, what "causes" it. And I continued to drink.
I was occasionally able to avoid alcohol for various periods. One of them seven years. But eventually I resumed drinking.
I tried lots of things. Antabuse, among them. Although this would give me a breathing spell for awhile eventually when I quit taking it I would start drinking again.
I continued to participate in 1-1 counseling. I came across one counsellor who seemed to me enormously helpful, in contrast to others who were less effective. But it didn't stop me from drinking.
Forty years later I went to my first AA meeting. I had avoided doing that because I distrusted the anonymity and feared that word of my illness would “get around” (yes, it often did “get around” anyway!). I felt enormously relieved to be able to sit in a room and discuss my drinking with others who had the same problem. I encountered some misgivings about AA but continued to attend meetings and eventually found one which was particularly congenial and helpful. It happened to be an agnostics meeting. I am not an agnostic or atheist but I liked these folks, except the occasional ones who tried to make fun of Christianity. I asked them what making fun of Chrtistianity ever had to do with getting sober? They could not reply.
I was a slow learner but what did I eventually manage to learn? First, that it's useless to spend a lot of time trying to determine why I drank, what is the "cause" of my alcoholism, kidding myself that all I had to do was to show up (and pay for) one to one counseling, maybe try to drink in "moderation" from time to time (just a small glass of wine, etc.), chew lots of mints to cover up my breath. Well I suppose you all know the drill.
Surprise! The thing to do is to stop the drinking! Not waste time speculating about the "cause". One way to do that is to find a support group. If not AA, then there are other possibilities, including this website. Probably safer to avoid the ones which suggest the possibiiity of "moderate" drinking (leave that for post graduate study if at all).
But, whatever one does, keep your eye on the ball. It's to stop drinking. If one doesn't do that, any meds for the "underlying condition" probably don't work. The booze will cause depression. Join a group which you like. Work on some kind of program to help make up for all that lost time when the process of maturing was held in limbo. Be completely honest with your doctor (and find a good one!) and try to be completely honest with yourself and with others.
And, if you do that, well you have a darn good chance of making it. So, as T.S. Eliot put it in one of his poems,

"Oh do not ask "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit!"

W.

Isaiah

So enormously true.

I tried psychoanalysis on myself, I studied the genetics of it, I questioned if it wasn't my mental illness... I put on my little white lab coat and spent months and months trying to unlock the secret of my alcoholism. I did drinking tests and made charts (that's not me being hyperbolic--I really did that.) I considered hypnotism.

It really was pretty insane in hindsight. I am a person who likes to know things, but with alcohol I took it to obsession. I have to think if one day I realized I was allergic to dairy just how much time I would spend trying to figure out how the allergy happened? Or would I just say "heck with it" and buy soy milk and cut the grilled cheese sandwiches?

Draciack

Great post W and true for more than alcoholism. Without action, I'm just spinning my wheels.

julez

Wpainter and Isaiah both make great points. I thank you for your posts!