Intellectualising versus feeling
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Intellectualising versus feeling
Didn't want to hijack floss's thread, but there was a such an interesting point there, and something that naive said that really got me thinking, so I thought I'd start a new thread.
Reading this made me realize lately I have the same problem, too much intellectualizing and almost no feeling at all. Which is putting me in a very hard position, I can see I'm still hurting somewhere deep inside, but I'm almost not even aware of it, it just feels like something, that I don't even know what, is breaking inside of me, my body is tense, while my rational mind that is in charge of the whole game is not able to get in touch with that.
I think of the events that happened, and rationally I'm fine with it all, I know all the scientific data, I almost don't even see the point of talking about it, it is all crystal clear, but I don't feel anything. I'm not in touch with my emotions, but I know they are somewhere deep inside, breaking me down, making me feel tense, they need to be let out or aknowledged or whatever, they need to be dealt with if I was ever to trully recover, and yet I have no idea how to go about it.
What do I need to do? I wish I could remember all horrible things and cry about it, but I can't.
Have I gone numb or frozen, or what is exactly going on here? Is it fear or is it that I didn't really forgive my self, even though I think I did. IDK.
What do you think of this?
And Naive, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Originally Posted by naive 
hi floss-
you bring up an intersting point about the difference between intellectualising versus feeling.
my therapist sits and listens to me spew out facts about alcoholism and how mine fits the bill....and then she'll say "yes, naive, you have all the data correct but how does it make you feel? try to tell me how you felt when that happened"
it's hard for me to do that sometimes, as i've armed myself with all the facts and statistics and trends and it is much more comfortable for me to intellectualise and detach from my emotions by trying to look at the situation objectively, like a scientist.
but to feel into it, to experience the emotions, to remember how little naive felt growing up and then to have it happening again as an adult...
i think this is the real way of healing the damage done and to ultimately break the cycle.
you bring up an intersting point about the difference between intellectualising versus feeling.
my therapist sits and listens to me spew out facts about alcoholism and how mine fits the bill....and then she'll say "yes, naive, you have all the data correct but how does it make you feel? try to tell me how you felt when that happened"
it's hard for me to do that sometimes, as i've armed myself with all the facts and statistics and trends and it is much more comfortable for me to intellectualise and detach from my emotions by trying to look at the situation objectively, like a scientist.
but to feel into it, to experience the emotions, to remember how little naive felt growing up and then to have it happening again as an adult...
i think this is the real way of healing the damage done and to ultimately break the cycle.
I think of the events that happened, and rationally I'm fine with it all, I know all the scientific data, I almost don't even see the point of talking about it, it is all crystal clear, but I don't feel anything. I'm not in touch with my emotions, but I know they are somewhere deep inside, breaking me down, making me feel tense, they need to be let out or aknowledged or whatever, they need to be dealt with if I was ever to trully recover, and yet I have no idea how to go about it.
What do I need to do? I wish I could remember all horrible things and cry about it, but I can't.
Have I gone numb or frozen, or what is exactly going on here? Is it fear or is it that I didn't really forgive my self, even though I think I did. IDK.
What do you think of this?
And Naive, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
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my dear sesh, i really do enjoy taking this journey with you...
the healing or unblocking that happened for me came out of the blue. i had been soldiering on through my therapy, my therapist always encouraging me to go back into my childhood and re-feel into little naive's emotions. it was difficult to do, almost impossible really, but i did manage to project myself back in time and identify emotionally unhealthy situations when i was little. for me, i was well cared for materially, but no one was there for my emotional needs. how did little miss naive feel watching my father bully my mother, or to watch my codependent mother cry, or watch my sisters run away into their rooms. how did i feel when my sisters begged me to stop arguing with my father, to just be quiet, you'll make it worse for all of us. etc.
i struggled on as best i could to project myself into that past. session after session, i tried my best but yet, remained rather stoic about the whole thing. i asked god to help me to do this work, so that i could better serve others, to be able to help more.
so, one day, i was out with a friend for the evening. we were sitting in a pub, having a drink. i had just arrived and sat down in the company. we started chatting and my friend said "i think you're gaining weight, your arms look flabby". i responded "quite unlikely, i'm actually thinner than last i saw you and i do pushups everyday." the conversation continued, and there came another subtle putdown "you look kinda pale"...
to my surprise, i blurted out "hey, i don't need your subtle putdowns. my father always did that to me" and then burst into tears!
i excused myself and went to the toilet, to pull myself together and then thought, "no, naive, let it out" it was as if a dam had broken and i felt all of sudden how little miss naive felt always being subtly put down, told i was chubby (which i wasn't, i was a competing gymnast). i gave myself permission in that toilet to feel all of that and LET IT OUT.
i'm sure there's more stuck in there, but i share this story because that's how it surfaced for me...out of nowhere.
the healing or unblocking that happened for me came out of the blue. i had been soldiering on through my therapy, my therapist always encouraging me to go back into my childhood and re-feel into little naive's emotions. it was difficult to do, almost impossible really, but i did manage to project myself back in time and identify emotionally unhealthy situations when i was little. for me, i was well cared for materially, but no one was there for my emotional needs. how did little miss naive feel watching my father bully my mother, or to watch my codependent mother cry, or watch my sisters run away into their rooms. how did i feel when my sisters begged me to stop arguing with my father, to just be quiet, you'll make it worse for all of us. etc.
i struggled on as best i could to project myself into that past. session after session, i tried my best but yet, remained rather stoic about the whole thing. i asked god to help me to do this work, so that i could better serve others, to be able to help more.
so, one day, i was out with a friend for the evening. we were sitting in a pub, having a drink. i had just arrived and sat down in the company. we started chatting and my friend said "i think you're gaining weight, your arms look flabby". i responded "quite unlikely, i'm actually thinner than last i saw you and i do pushups everyday." the conversation continued, and there came another subtle putdown "you look kinda pale"...
to my surprise, i blurted out "hey, i don't need your subtle putdowns. my father always did that to me" and then burst into tears!
i excused myself and went to the toilet, to pull myself together and then thought, "no, naive, let it out" it was as if a dam had broken and i felt all of sudden how little miss naive felt always being subtly put down, told i was chubby (which i wasn't, i was a competing gymnast). i gave myself permission in that toilet to feel all of that and LET IT OUT.
i'm sure there's more stuck in there, but i share this story because that's how it surfaced for me...out of nowhere.
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Wow. You two are really hitting on something that I can relate to. I am trying to slowly work my 12 steps in the best and most honest way that I can and I can see a direct and porportional correlation in how much better I feel as I work them. But they relate more to cleaning up messes that I have made than to dealing with my own emotions and the wrongs that were done to me. I too was the little girl that was ridiculed by an older brother and even though I had wonderful parents I wasn't defended from that as I should have been. As a result I don't show emotions and don't really allow myself to feel them.
Thank you both for this thread. I'm going to sit in the bleachers and read.
Thank you both for this thread. I'm going to sit in the bleachers and read.
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Could you all be any smarter? Oh Lord, that is on point for me!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What is so wonderful is that it wasn't too rough on me because it was so well put.
To be honest, my AA peeps were killing me! Had a bit of a barney with 'em last night and made a breakthrough which caused me to cry!!!! Talked until 4am and I slept like a baby!
Now if there was something I could do about the big puffy face....
They wanted to get through the facade and get to me!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What is so wonderful is that it wasn't too rough on me because it was so well put.
To be honest, my AA peeps were killing me! Had a bit of a barney with 'em last night and made a breakthrough which caused me to cry!!!! Talked until 4am and I slept like a baby!
Now if there was something I could do about the big puffy face....
They wanted to get through the facade and get to me!
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Thanks naive.
I hear you loud and clear.
And the things you said: soldiering trough recovery, remaing stoic, that is so close to home with me. When I say it like this it becomes clear it is not so much my strength, as I like to think, as much as another attribute of ACOA.
Funny you metioned the incident with your friend, as lately I've been feeling so much anger towards my best friend, and I feel that is really uncalled for and I try my best to not react, while I can not stopping thinking about it. But only since you wrote this I understood the reason my friend is making me so angry is because she is alway trying (but in a very, very subtle way) to tell me what I should do. And that reminds me so much of my codie controling mum, that it just makes me burst with anger. And yet I don't react, I just let it slide and say nothing. I kept thinking well she means well, why is it stirring so many things inside of me, making me feel this way, especially since it is not even relevant to all other problems in my life. But now I can see why. It is because I hate people trying to manipulate me into what they believe is good for me. OMG this triggers me so much. I've never put the 2 and 2 together until now. And I'm so angry now. Still I feel the need to surpress it. So hard to break from patterns.
Funny I'm overwhelmed with anger now, with my late AF, with my mum, with my RAH, with my friend. But I guess that is a good thing. So maybe I let this anger take the best of me and see what happens. Well, that's a whole new teritory for me...
I hear you loud and clear.
And the things you said: soldiering trough recovery, remaing stoic, that is so close to home with me. When I say it like this it becomes clear it is not so much my strength, as I like to think, as much as another attribute of ACOA.
Funny you metioned the incident with your friend, as lately I've been feeling so much anger towards my best friend, and I feel that is really uncalled for and I try my best to not react, while I can not stopping thinking about it. But only since you wrote this I understood the reason my friend is making me so angry is because she is alway trying (but in a very, very subtle way) to tell me what I should do. And that reminds me so much of my codie controling mum, that it just makes me burst with anger. And yet I don't react, I just let it slide and say nothing. I kept thinking well she means well, why is it stirring so many things inside of me, making me feel this way, especially since it is not even relevant to all other problems in my life. But now I can see why. It is because I hate people trying to manipulate me into what they believe is good for me. OMG this triggers me so much. I've never put the 2 and 2 together until now. And I'm so angry now. Still I feel the need to surpress it. So hard to break from patterns.
Funny I'm overwhelmed with anger now, with my late AF, with my mum, with my RAH, with my friend. But I guess that is a good thing. So maybe I let this anger take the best of me and see what happens. Well, that's a whole new teritory for me...
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But isn't some of that stuff normal? Learning to deal with people being...well, people. People can be crappy, and mean, and thoughtless, and tactless.
I'm not sure, as a parent, that I should shelter my child from that, or stop it. Rather I would like her to feel that what they think matters not.
If someone today says something stupid to me like "have you gained weight, your arms look flabby" I'd probably reply with "I'm not sure, I can't see them through your incredibly huge ego". Or something.
I'm not sure, as a parent, that I should shelter my child from that, or stop it. Rather I would like her to feel that what they think matters not.
If someone today says something stupid to me like "have you gained weight, your arms look flabby" I'd probably reply with "I'm not sure, I can't see them through your incredibly huge ego". Or something.
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yes, of course, people can be mean but this is deeper than that.
what my therapist is helping me do is to identify how false conclusions i developed as a child are patterns i continue to repeat as an adult. it is no coincidence that i ended up in an alcholic/codependent relationship! i attracted that to myself, subconciously trying to recreate patterns initially developed as a child.
the purging and the unblocking at an emotional level, i feel, are important to break the cycle.
so if someone puts you down, maybe for you, still waters, its no big deal and bounces right off of you. but for me, it brought back a flood of suppressed emotion from my childhood. for example, this is probably why i put up with my xABFs subtle put downs for so long. .... because i had falsely confused in little miss naive's head...my father loved me...he put me down...my mother loves me... she's emotionally unavailable...my father loves me...he hits me sometimes...
so, as an adult, i have re-established these childhood patterns with an emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, put-me-downer alcoholic!
ok, so intellectually, i understood that i while back. but what my therapist keeps encouraging me to do is to release the emotional blockage by feeling the hurt i suppressed the first times it happened to me as a child.
it's like a big rock in the stream of healthy emotions. it got stuck in my river a long time ago and unless it is removed, i will continue to repeat this cycle.
believe me, i was as surprised as my friend when i burst into tears. for example, i didn't even cry when xABF threw me down the stairwell and broke my shoulder. it wasn't tears from the flabby arm comment (i know my arms aren't flabby anyway)...it was tears of hurt from my childhood that i never cried.
what my therapist is helping me do is to identify how false conclusions i developed as a child are patterns i continue to repeat as an adult. it is no coincidence that i ended up in an alcholic/codependent relationship! i attracted that to myself, subconciously trying to recreate patterns initially developed as a child.
the purging and the unblocking at an emotional level, i feel, are important to break the cycle.
so if someone puts you down, maybe for you, still waters, its no big deal and bounces right off of you. but for me, it brought back a flood of suppressed emotion from my childhood. for example, this is probably why i put up with my xABFs subtle put downs for so long. .... because i had falsely confused in little miss naive's head...my father loved me...he put me down...my mother loves me... she's emotionally unavailable...my father loves me...he hits me sometimes...
so, as an adult, i have re-established these childhood patterns with an emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, put-me-downer alcoholic!
ok, so intellectually, i understood that i while back. but what my therapist keeps encouraging me to do is to release the emotional blockage by feeling the hurt i suppressed the first times it happened to me as a child.
it's like a big rock in the stream of healthy emotions. it got stuck in my river a long time ago and unless it is removed, i will continue to repeat this cycle.
believe me, i was as surprised as my friend when i burst into tears. for example, i didn't even cry when xABF threw me down the stairwell and broke my shoulder. it wasn't tears from the flabby arm comment (i know my arms aren't flabby anyway)...it was tears of hurt from my childhood that i never cried.
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good work, sesh!
yeah, i've got anger issues too. as in i never permit myself to get angry. i used to get angry at my father as a child, but somewhere along the line i just gave it up because i only got punished more for it. i guess i learned to suppress it too. ugh.
yeah, i've got anger issues too. as in i never permit myself to get angry. i used to get angry at my father as a child, but somewhere along the line i just gave it up because i only got punished more for it. i guess i learned to suppress it too. ugh.
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Funny enough, I was constantly angry with my AF when I was younger too, I hated him, he was never abusive (at least not in some visible maner), he was either not home or passed out in the chair. The only conversation between us was: How is school? - Same as always. That is it. And than there was my mum on the other side, trying hardest to make up for all of that. She never said no to anything I wanted, she'd say things like: oh, you can do that if you want but that would make me really sad. So I never did anything she didn't agree with, as I never wanted to make my mum sad. So there was no any great drama happening in my childhood home, just that thing that I can't even put to words to this day. A lack of balance? Lack of normality? Lack of real parenting?
In years, as I grew up, I learned to act like none of it is a big deal. It still feels like it was not a big deal. But I guess it was, it just that I can not get in touch with it on emotional level. Also, by the time I was 26 my dad died, and I felt nothing but empathy. I felt sorry for him. For the wasted life, for everything he couldn't be to himself or to us. Feeling angry just didn't fit into it any more. And yes I did choose emotionaly unavailable man in my life, none of them was A excpet for RAH, with whom I had the nicest relationship, until he started drinking heavly some 5 to 6 years into our marriage.
And yes, I agree people are just people, and some of them are mean sometimes, and I don't have problem at all for standing up for myself, unless they are people that are really close to me. That is where the problems starts for me. I can't stand up for myself if I'm dealing with someone who is close to me, because I can see they mean well, and I don't want to hurt them (make them sad). So I end up all conflicted inside. And even funier thing is I don't have this problem with my mum any more, I don't feel conflicted, I keep my boundaries firm, and it is going quite well, but whenever someone else start treating me this way I get so triggered, and conflicted, and angry.
I guess it is about validation, if I don't get it from the person I care for I start freaking out, as that is the pattern I developed when I was a child.
IKD, all of this is so heavy, and I really wish I could just take a break from it all, but unfortunatelly it doesn't work that way.
BTW - something good came out of my anger today. I cleaned and reorganized my closet.
In years, as I grew up, I learned to act like none of it is a big deal. It still feels like it was not a big deal. But I guess it was, it just that I can not get in touch with it on emotional level. Also, by the time I was 26 my dad died, and I felt nothing but empathy. I felt sorry for him. For the wasted life, for everything he couldn't be to himself or to us. Feeling angry just didn't fit into it any more. And yes I did choose emotionaly unavailable man in my life, none of them was A excpet for RAH, with whom I had the nicest relationship, until he started drinking heavly some 5 to 6 years into our marriage.
And yes, I agree people are just people, and some of them are mean sometimes, and I don't have problem at all for standing up for myself, unless they are people that are really close to me. That is where the problems starts for me. I can't stand up for myself if I'm dealing with someone who is close to me, because I can see they mean well, and I don't want to hurt them (make them sad). So I end up all conflicted inside. And even funier thing is I don't have this problem with my mum any more, I don't feel conflicted, I keep my boundaries firm, and it is going quite well, but whenever someone else start treating me this way I get so triggered, and conflicted, and angry.
I guess it is about validation, if I don't get it from the person I care for I start freaking out, as that is the pattern I developed when I was a child.
IKD, all of this is so heavy, and I really wish I could just take a break from it all, but unfortunatelly it doesn't work that way.
BTW - something good came out of my anger today. I cleaned and reorganized my closet.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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hi sesh-
yes, it is hard work but pays great rewards.
i want to mention reciprical roles established in childhood and how we continue to play out these roles.
for me, i've discovered my reciprical polarities are:
other person <----------> me
intimidating <-------> crushed, stifled
controlling <-------> threatened
manipulating <------> trapped
abusive <------> victim, poor me
once these roles were identified, i could see how i had recreated similar in many relationships.
just a stab at it, but from what you've shared today, yours might be....
manipulated <--------> passive
ignored <--------> anger
guilted <--------> eager to please
give it a try. i found it very helpful.
yes, it is hard work but pays great rewards.
i want to mention reciprical roles established in childhood and how we continue to play out these roles.
for me, i've discovered my reciprical polarities are:
other person <----------> me
intimidating <-------> crushed, stifled
controlling <-------> threatened
manipulating <------> trapped
abusive <------> victim, poor me
once these roles were identified, i could see how i had recreated similar in many relationships.
just a stab at it, but from what you've shared today, yours might be....
manipulated <--------> passive
ignored <--------> anger
guilted <--------> eager to please
give it a try. i found it very helpful.
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Originally Posted by sesh
And yes, I agree people are just people, and some of them are mean sometimes, and I don't have problem at all for standing up for myself, unless they are people that are really close to me. That is where the problems starts for me. I can't stand up for myself if I'm dealing with someone who is close to me, because I can see they mean well, and I don't want to hurt them (make them sad). So I end up all conflicted inside.
So my people pleasing is limited to those who are close to me because I fear losing their love.
L
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Originally Posted by sesh
I think of the events that happened, and rationally I'm fine with it all, I know all the scientific data, I almost don't even see the point of talking about it, it is all crystal clear, but I don't feel anything.
My fix was lots of dive trips and relaxing with good friends. Anything to decompress.
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the only way to overcome fear is to face it.
in true surrender to our higher power, everything is possible and courage is gifted.
i'm scared too, bolina, but i trust in my HP and i know this is the right path...the path of healing, surrender and forgiveness.
in true surrender to our higher power, everything is possible and courage is gifted.
i'm scared too, bolina, but i trust in my HP and i know this is the right path...the path of healing, surrender and forgiveness.
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It is scary. But worth it in the end, in your own time, by whatever path works best for you. Naive, I agree, HP will handle the details if we are willing to do the hard work.
For a year after my divorce from XAH, I saw a therapist who, looking back, did very little for me. Every now and then while I would talk, she would say, "Do you want an opinion?" Anyway, one thing she said a couple of times that I remember clearly, is "I believe you have some unresolved issues with your alcoholic, womanizing father."
At the time, I chose to not go there. I actually believed that I had washed my hands of AF's alcholism and cheating nature, and that I was fine with it. You know..."his problem, not mine." Turns out, it WAS my problem in a BIG way. It had completely affected the way I relate to men.
Now that I am choosing to face my abandonment issues, including things I have no memory of...I believe I am finally, finally starting to find true healing. Both my mother and AF have told me things that happened in my first 7 years of life that I don't remember, AT ALL, but I know they affected me deeply.
Inner child exercises are difficult but are incredibly useful. Facing and healing that little one is putting yourself on a true path to honest recovery.
For a year after my divorce from XAH, I saw a therapist who, looking back, did very little for me. Every now and then while I would talk, she would say, "Do you want an opinion?" Anyway, one thing she said a couple of times that I remember clearly, is "I believe you have some unresolved issues with your alcoholic, womanizing father."
At the time, I chose to not go there. I actually believed that I had washed my hands of AF's alcholism and cheating nature, and that I was fine with it. You know..."his problem, not mine." Turns out, it WAS my problem in a BIG way. It had completely affected the way I relate to men.
Now that I am choosing to face my abandonment issues, including things I have no memory of...I believe I am finally, finally starting to find true healing. Both my mother and AF have told me things that happened in my first 7 years of life that I don't remember, AT ALL, but I know they affected me deeply.
Inner child exercises are difficult but are incredibly useful. Facing and healing that little one is putting yourself on a true path to honest recovery.
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Heh, naive, my response to that is really the title of this thread. I know all that in my head (and much more because I am an info queen a la sesh) , but in my heart......?
I think, akin to what LTD said, my theoretical soft places to fall are not that really. They are wrapped up in so many conditions and expectations, largely of my own making, but not all. I think also that because my vulnerabilities were used against me in such a cruel way, that it is just not safe for me to vulnerable anymore. Not even to myself.
I have all the answers within me. I know that - that's my higher power i.e. the collective wisdom thing. I just need to join the dots.
I think, akin to what LTD said, my theoretical soft places to fall are not that really. They are wrapped up in so many conditions and expectations, largely of my own making, but not all. I think also that because my vulnerabilities were used against me in such a cruel way, that it is just not safe for me to vulnerable anymore. Not even to myself.
I have all the answers within me. I know that - that's my higher power i.e. the collective wisdom thing. I just need to join the dots.
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Originally Posted by naive
good work, sesh!
yeah, i've got anger issues too. as in i never permit myself to get angry. i used to get angry at my father as a child, but somewhere along the line i just gave it up because i only got punished more for it. i guess i learned to suppress it too. ugh.
yeah, i've got anger issues too. as in i never permit myself to get angry. i used to get angry at my father as a child, but somewhere along the line i just gave it up because i only got punished more for it. i guess i learned to suppress it too. ugh.
Anger was not an okay emotion to be expressed as I grew up.
The funny thing is there was always an undercurrent of anger in that household as I was growing up.
I too still have a bad habit of suppressing it. Ugh.
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Thank you for the great imput. We're given me a lot to think about.
naive, you have really figured well my reciprical polarities. My RAH used to manipulate me so much by igoring me and gulting me. I responded to it each time as by default.
LTD I agree with you it probably comes down to fear. But in my case I'm not sure is it about fear of losing love, or more about fear of not doing the right thing. I have this huge need of being validated as nice, as the one who always does the right thing. I just can't stand my loved ones being angry with me, thinking I did something to hurt them, not understanding my reasons, not understanding I did the best I possibly could. I guess I never felt appreciated enough and thus this feeling.
Jazz, I really like your metaphor, it does feel that way (and I should know), like I need to find peace with peace, and yet I feel numb to even try. Aslo, I like the word decompress here, (I don't know if you'd normally use it in such a context it English), but it makes a great sense to me, especially since decompressing is such a complex process, that needs to be done slowly, otherwise the whole thing can go so wrong.
I'm thinking about what Bolina said, about fear that you'd go crazy if you tap into these feelings, and I'm wondring do I feel the same. In all honesty, it seems I'm so disconected that I don't even know the answer to that question. As when I push it, when I make a point of thinking about it and trying to figure out how I feel, it almost feel like I'm faking it, like none of it is too real, or at least not too important.
I believe most of you know about the whole ordeal I went through with my RAH in the last six months or so, and yet I almost feel nothing in regard to that too. I feel happy that he is doing well, that kids are relaxing, I feel empathy for his struggles, but in regard to me, what do I feel? NO idea. SO, I guess numb is right word for it. But also this huge anger I'm feeling towards my friend is really disproportional to her actions, so that is telling me the ball has started rolling and the best thing I can do for myself is start digging inside and keep working on my recovery, but the emotional side of it, that I've been neglecting.
I did really get stuck in this intellectual side, it just ocurred to me how crazy I was about it, I had my teeth and nails in it, I've been traslating articles from English to my language, a lot of them, and writing some articles myself about alcoholism too (all stats and data, nothing about emotions), and reading them at the Club for RA and their familes that RAH and I attend together. It just came to me, those people must think I'm crazy. This is really making me laugh now.
naive, you have really figured well my reciprical polarities. My RAH used to manipulate me so much by igoring me and gulting me. I responded to it each time as by default.
LTD I agree with you it probably comes down to fear. But in my case I'm not sure is it about fear of losing love, or more about fear of not doing the right thing. I have this huge need of being validated as nice, as the one who always does the right thing. I just can't stand my loved ones being angry with me, thinking I did something to hurt them, not understanding my reasons, not understanding I did the best I possibly could. I guess I never felt appreciated enough and thus this feeling.
Jazz, I really like your metaphor, it does feel that way (and I should know), like I need to find peace with peace, and yet I feel numb to even try. Aslo, I like the word decompress here, (I don't know if you'd normally use it in such a context it English), but it makes a great sense to me, especially since decompressing is such a complex process, that needs to be done slowly, otherwise the whole thing can go so wrong.
I'm thinking about what Bolina said, about fear that you'd go crazy if you tap into these feelings, and I'm wondring do I feel the same. In all honesty, it seems I'm so disconected that I don't even know the answer to that question. As when I push it, when I make a point of thinking about it and trying to figure out how I feel, it almost feel like I'm faking it, like none of it is too real, or at least not too important.
I believe most of you know about the whole ordeal I went through with my RAH in the last six months or so, and yet I almost feel nothing in regard to that too. I feel happy that he is doing well, that kids are relaxing, I feel empathy for his struggles, but in regard to me, what do I feel? NO idea. SO, I guess numb is right word for it. But also this huge anger I'm feeling towards my friend is really disproportional to her actions, so that is telling me the ball has started rolling and the best thing I can do for myself is start digging inside and keep working on my recovery, but the emotional side of it, that I've been neglecting.
I did really get stuck in this intellectual side, it just ocurred to me how crazy I was about it, I had my teeth and nails in it, I've been traslating articles from English to my language, a lot of them, and writing some articles myself about alcoholism too (all stats and data, nothing about emotions), and reading them at the Club for RA and their familes that RAH and I attend together. It just came to me, those people must think I'm crazy.
This is really making me laugh now.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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It just came to me, those people must think I'm crazy. This is really making me laugh now.
i think decompress is a great metaphor. we are deep in the ocean of emotions, we must come up slowly, decompress a little at a time, too fast is dangerous, it can make you sick or kill you.
laughing at my earnest work (that at times is tooooo much) is good for me.
something lets go, right underneath my sternum.
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