Beginning of the end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
Beginning of the end
You know, my weekends continue to get worse and worse lately. It's interesting that for each week of successful therapy and feeling a lot better about myself, my home life and marriage is suffering something crazy. I have come to the beginning of the end. I really have. Our lease is up in January and I plan to get my own place. I have not yet shared this with my husband. It's the whole cocaine/alcohol issue and his completely abnormal thought process. It's the anger in him that is projected on to me and is increasing in it's intensity. I am being verbally abused, referred to as The Goddess Bitch, I am being blamed for all of his poor pitiful issues. I am living with a victim. I really can't take it anymore. I went out with my mom and Aunt on Saturday and he was well aware that I would be going. He woke up Saturday on edge (now I realize he was jonesing for coke and a drink and was in a bad mood) and we made plans to go to the Oktoberfest. I said it would be late afternoon in all likelihood and we decided we'd have something to eat there. Well, the day ran late and my mother and aunt waited for me specifically so we could all grab something to eat. I called him to let him know this. He acted as if it was no biggie, told me to enjoy my day, etc. Within 10 minutes, he called me back and asked for this guy's phone #..a guy we know with the cocaine hookup - he claimed that he wanted him to do some work on his car and this is why he needed his #. He is so transparent and came across so very desperate in his offhanded casual inquiry - this little ruse did not work whatsoever. I then received a call from a girl friend advising me that he had called her asking if she could get ahold of the stuff. She said no, of course. When I got home, I came face to face with his alter ego - the crazy rageaholic. He was raging at me, bellowing at full force, furious for 'lying to him all day, stringing him along, blowing off our plans' His reaction to a mild change in plans was as if I had murdered his first born. I know the pattern though. He creates a conflict each time he wants to fall off his self imposed wagon. This was nothing new but the intensity was greater. I am really feeling almost fearful, though I don't believe he would ever hit me. I am seeing how sick he really is and I am so scared for him. I'm sad for me.
I ended up leaving again Saturday night. I stayed with a friend. I went home Sunday and called my sister in law explained I would not be able to make the family party that day. She knew something was amiss but didn't push it. She did say marriage is tough and there are bumps along the way, that it took she and hubby's brother10 years to work through certain issues. The difference here is that he does not have substance/alcohol issues. Furthermore, I feel I cannot possibly overcome these problems without hubby's participation, seeing as how they really are HIS issues. I realize that he does not want to get better. He is very addicted to his crap. You know he even abuses OTC drugs - if I buy Tylenol, a full bottle is gone in a week. He abuses EVERYTHING and to excess but I will be damned if he thinks he's going to abuse me too. I am ready to do something drastic.
I decided not to ride this coaster. I meant it. He has no idea how serious I am and you know, he is probably so enmeshed in his disease that he doesn't care. His brain has obviously been impaired and his thinking patterns are just irrational.
Saturday night I could not sleep. I began thinking of all the stuff I have endured. It was like Pandora's box..all of the times he has really let me down, hasn't been emotionally available, how manipulative he has been. I started to feel angry. Everything is about keeping him afloat, I am working double time to fix me, him, his kids, his mother..his whole family has watched him self destruct his entire life. When he found love with me and changed his course down the path of disaster, the family could breathe again but in typical fashion, he is never confronted or held accountable because he can write them off in a New York minute. This is how he controls them. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel I have. This is sick stuff.
At this point, I am ready to walk. I know that I won't look back with regrets. I have encouraged, supported, counseled, taking all the emotional lumps that someone else deserves. I have done my penance. I do not want the role of long suffering wife, I don't enjoy this life, this is not a marriage.
I think that his tremendous hostility is brimming to the surface because the old tactics he once deployed are not working. He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance. I am getting healthier everyday and I know he resents this. You would think a husband would inquire once in awhile about his wife's state of mind, considering she wanted to die only weeks earlier. That's the problem. He never worries about me, he doesn't take care of me emotionally because he is completely inept, he is emotionally crippled himself. I no longer have the need to rescue him. I can't do it. I know he has no interest in changing his life because comfortably numb has done him right all these years (or so he thinks) He will ultimately kill himself or maybe keep the party going with some cheesy bar skank down the road. I hate to say this but his ex wife was better suited to him than me. He also has inferiority issues about this and seems to actually despise me. He loves to mock me, saying I know everything, I am perfect, I have no faults, blah,blah,blah. I sometimes wonder what kind of state of mind I was in to have fallen for him. I see now that it could have stayed fun and wonderful had I not wanted to come out of the fog. I cannot believe this is how my 5 month old marriage will end.
It has to. I can't live this way anymore. The transition from emotion to intellect has begun. Certain things are non negotiable and this drug and alcohol abuse, followed by his tyrannical rants are unacceptable. I have no faith that he will recognize this and take the steps to resolve it. He is completely lacking in self awareness. He does not want to stop because in his mind, it's all my fault anyway. He even blamed me, said that I introduced him to the drugs. I suppose I have been holding a gun to his head all these months too.
I am done problem solving. I am finished with my cheerleading gig. I am no longer interested in playing substance counselor, therapist, and mother. My role is a wife and I have yet to assume it!
He has clearly not hit his rock bottom yet. He may never. I know this is not personal..he loves me in the best way he can but is simply lacking in the tools to make this work.
This is terribly sad.
I ended up leaving again Saturday night. I stayed with a friend. I went home Sunday and called my sister in law explained I would not be able to make the family party that day. She knew something was amiss but didn't push it. She did say marriage is tough and there are bumps along the way, that it took she and hubby's brother10 years to work through certain issues. The difference here is that he does not have substance/alcohol issues. Furthermore, I feel I cannot possibly overcome these problems without hubby's participation, seeing as how they really are HIS issues. I realize that he does not want to get better. He is very addicted to his crap. You know he even abuses OTC drugs - if I buy Tylenol, a full bottle is gone in a week. He abuses EVERYTHING and to excess but I will be damned if he thinks he's going to abuse me too. I am ready to do something drastic.
I decided not to ride this coaster. I meant it. He has no idea how serious I am and you know, he is probably so enmeshed in his disease that he doesn't care. His brain has obviously been impaired and his thinking patterns are just irrational.
Saturday night I could not sleep. I began thinking of all the stuff I have endured. It was like Pandora's box..all of the times he has really let me down, hasn't been emotionally available, how manipulative he has been. I started to feel angry. Everything is about keeping him afloat, I am working double time to fix me, him, his kids, his mother..his whole family has watched him self destruct his entire life. When he found love with me and changed his course down the path of disaster, the family could breathe again but in typical fashion, he is never confronted or held accountable because he can write them off in a New York minute. This is how he controls them. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel I have. This is sick stuff.
At this point, I am ready to walk. I know that I won't look back with regrets. I have encouraged, supported, counseled, taking all the emotional lumps that someone else deserves. I have done my penance. I do not want the role of long suffering wife, I don't enjoy this life, this is not a marriage.
I think that his tremendous hostility is brimming to the surface because the old tactics he once deployed are not working. He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance. I am getting healthier everyday and I know he resents this. You would think a husband would inquire once in awhile about his wife's state of mind, considering she wanted to die only weeks earlier. That's the problem. He never worries about me, he doesn't take care of me emotionally because he is completely inept, he is emotionally crippled himself. I no longer have the need to rescue him. I can't do it. I know he has no interest in changing his life because comfortably numb has done him right all these years (or so he thinks) He will ultimately kill himself or maybe keep the party going with some cheesy bar skank down the road. I hate to say this but his ex wife was better suited to him than me. He also has inferiority issues about this and seems to actually despise me. He loves to mock me, saying I know everything, I am perfect, I have no faults, blah,blah,blah. I sometimes wonder what kind of state of mind I was in to have fallen for him. I see now that it could have stayed fun and wonderful had I not wanted to come out of the fog. I cannot believe this is how my 5 month old marriage will end.
It has to. I can't live this way anymore. The transition from emotion to intellect has begun. Certain things are non negotiable and this drug and alcohol abuse, followed by his tyrannical rants are unacceptable. I have no faith that he will recognize this and take the steps to resolve it. He is completely lacking in self awareness. He does not want to stop because in his mind, it's all my fault anyway. He even blamed me, said that I introduced him to the drugs. I suppose I have been holding a gun to his head all these months too.
I am done problem solving. I am finished with my cheerleading gig. I am no longer interested in playing substance counselor, therapist, and mother. My role is a wife and I have yet to assume it!
He has clearly not hit his rock bottom yet. He may never. I know this is not personal..he loves me in the best way he can but is simply lacking in the tools to make this work.
This is terribly sad.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Bellyisfull,
I am sending you a ton of love and prayes it sounds as if you know where you need to go to move forward with our life....you are right in knowing you were not put on earth to be abused, raged at, blamed for anything except your own actions and choices....
We all need the freedon to be ourselves and we need to take responsiblitiy for our own happiness.....
One thought for you; The marrage may have failed but you are not a failure....
I am sending you a ton of love and prayes it sounds as if you know where you need to go to move forward with our life....you are right in knowing you were not put on earth to be abused, raged at, blamed for anything except your own actions and choices....
We all need the freedon to be ourselves and we need to take responsiblitiy for our own happiness.....
One thought for you; The marrage may have failed but you are not a failure....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Bellyisfull
I agree with Daffodil. You are not a failure because this relationship didn't work. And you could only fail yourself if you stayed in it and continued to be on the receiving end of his denial. It is hard to make the changes that you are considering. But in the end, I think you will be happier. Hang in there. Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: On pins and needles
Posts: 99
Your words are strong and courageous. They reached out and touched me. I wish you continued strength to continue in your journey of finding peace in your life.
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/EvasPlace/Courage.html
http://www.angelfire.com/hi/EvasPlace/Courage.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Bellyisful..Oh my dear...by the end of your post I am your rootinest fan. You will make it ... I can feel it. You are able to step back and see that you are the target of his junk...but you don't have to be. Be strong dear.. I am rooting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
I know I am going to make it. It hurts to no end to remember that loving guy who made me smile and loved me like no other. I just pray he gets his head together and recognizes what has happened to him. Certainly not for me but for himself. We are now cohabitating as 'roommates' - he is losing control of the situation and you can see his panic rising. I am reassured by the fact that he is going to see his therapist today - he claims that he has a lot of unexpressed anger and needs to talk about it but he wants to talk to his therapist so he can work through those feelings. Cocaine has unleashed a monster in this man. I feel he has a lot to purge and exorcise and I hope to God he will through the right mediums. Last night he drank several beers and was loopy by bed time. I ignored him. I told him that he was really throwing his life away. I placed our wedding picture in his room and told him to look at it and remember our old life, remember how lovingly we treated one another. I don't want him to do anything for me because I know it won't work but I know I am the only person he feels really connected to - I have always given him some sort of safe haven but I will not continue to do so at the expense of my emotional health. I don't listen when he gets on a rant, he is just talking smack, like every other addict. He has no idea how foolish he sounds. I should tape it..
Anyway, I am going to look for an Al Anon meeting as there are no Narc Anon meetings in my area. I see a therapist once a week and I journal. I have an excellent support system. I know that if this comes to an end, I will have done all I can and that I had the courage to walk away from someone who is self destructing. That crazy runaway train is not going to take me down too.
One thing I don't get - how in the world do these addicts just turn on you the way they do - I mean, it seems like he HATES me. It's hard for me to separate him from this new drug adled jerk - he always knew better before, knew how to treat me with respect. He has also acknowledged that the coke makes him evil and he doesn't like that path. So, WHY keep on? I will never comprehend this in a million years!
Anyway, I am going to look for an Al Anon meeting as there are no Narc Anon meetings in my area. I see a therapist once a week and I journal. I have an excellent support system. I know that if this comes to an end, I will have done all I can and that I had the courage to walk away from someone who is self destructing. That crazy runaway train is not going to take me down too.
One thing I don't get - how in the world do these addicts just turn on you the way they do - I mean, it seems like he HATES me. It's hard for me to separate him from this new drug adled jerk - he always knew better before, knew how to treat me with respect. He has also acknowledged that the coke makes him evil and he doesn't like that path. So, WHY keep on? I will never comprehend this in a million years!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: On pins and needles
Posts: 99
I will never comprehend this in a million years!
I hear what you are saying. I know I tried many different ways and many different times trying to "figure it out". I came realize you just can't make sense of Crazy.
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 104
Belly,
You have already read my PM's to you. Keep strong and rememer to take care of yourself. It is hard to let go. I am finaly doing it to day. Check out my thread "the movers are here" in General Discovery
You have already read my PM's to you. Keep strong and rememer to take care of yourself. It is hard to let go. I am finaly doing it to day. Check out my thread "the movers are here" in General Discovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
You're so right. It will only drive us crazy to figure this out..In the strangest way I feel liberated. I am hoping for the best but expect nothing. I do have some feeling that I will go to hell and back but the end result is going to be something I live with and help others with. It is getting easier to separate my emotions because I realize he is sick. It's like someone with Alzheimers or something - you realize this person has an illness affecting them so you don't take things personally. I'm very sad for him more than anything. I know I can go on and be fine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: houston, texas
Posts: 72
"...But I will be damned if he thinks he's going to abuse me too..."
"...He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance..."
YOU GO GIRL!!! :thumb
I am so glad that you have come to the best decision one could possibly make! You've got a tough road ahead of you (moving out and all) but it will be a thousand times worth it! It is very apparent your hubby isn't even close to getting clean. You said that he hasn't physically abused you, but you shouldn't stay around to see if he could go that far down the downward spiral.
Please keep us informed or if you need someone to reassure you that you are doing the right thing. And congratulations on your epiphany!!
Take Care BallyIsFull!
"...He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance..."
YOU GO GIRL!!! :thumb
I am so glad that you have come to the best decision one could possibly make! You've got a tough road ahead of you (moving out and all) but it will be a thousand times worth it! It is very apparent your hubby isn't even close to getting clean. You said that he hasn't physically abused you, but you shouldn't stay around to see if he could go that far down the downward spiral.
Please keep us informed or if you need someone to reassure you that you are doing the right thing. And congratulations on your epiphany!!
Take Care BallyIsFull!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
You guys are the best.. I am very fortunate to have found this site and your insights and advice have been dead on. I can't say what will happen next week or next month. I've made it clear to my husband that I will support his RECOVERY but I won't stick around catching the brunt of his addictions. The choice is his. I would like to believe he will confront this stuff but let's face it, this is real life, not a movie of the week and the odds are against him. If he would just get out of himself and stop the isolation and open himself up to the truth, what a different person he could be. How wonderful it would be for him to embrace a happy, healthy life. But you know, my wanting it for him isn't going to make it happen. Pray for him, my friends, he is a lost man right now. Angry that he uses, angry that he can't stop, angry that he would rather sink further into his disease than risk losing it. It's just tragic. I hate cocaine and alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I say make your plans for getting out and don't even let him know until you are walking out the door because he may get violent with you. If he knows before hand he will definitely try to manipulate you into staying.
It's only a five month old marriage you don't have as much invested as someone who has years, say good-bye and to H#$L WITH HIM.
No one deserves to bea bused. WE ARE NOT DOGS OR DOORMATS.
Ngaire
It's only a five month old marriage you don't have as much invested as someone who has years, say good-bye and to H#$L WITH HIM.
No one deserves to bea bused. WE ARE NOT DOGS OR DOORMATS.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
We've been together for 3 years - the drug abuse started shortly after we got married. I do have a lot invested. I am going to stand my ground as far as he's concerned. He knows I am no dummy and under normal circumstances, he would never pull this crap. The drugs have brought an ugly, angry person out.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Marin County, CA.
Posts: 3
Bellyisfull-
Have you been living with my A boyfriend?? Mine has been sober for 89 month I could of wrote word for word what you just said but you said it so well and so accurately that it reduced some of the anger and craziness that I have been feeling lately. Thank you-not for what we are going through but thank you for letting me know that another is there along with me-its makes me less scared about going in the direction I am believing to go. Thank you so much and please take care.
hudcal
Have you been living with my A boyfriend?? Mine has been sober for 89 month I could of wrote word for word what you just said but you said it so well and so accurately that it reduced some of the anger and craziness that I have been feeling lately. Thank you-not for what we are going through but thank you for letting me know that another is there along with me-its makes me less scared about going in the direction I am believing to go. Thank you so much and please take care.
hudcal
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
Belly wow you sound so strong... I so admire your strength... My hubby's doc is meth... just as bad... violent, screaming, blaming me for everything... I too asked my hubby to leave... he is gone now... staying with his parents 500 miles away... and I have to admit... I sleep better now... I'm taking care of myself... and for the first time in my life I am discovering what it is too be happy...
I got sick and tired of having front row seats to his self destruction...
I wish you the best of luck... You sound so clear and healthy to me... I will pray for us...
Hugs to you..
Your friend Clowie
I got sick and tired of having front row seats to his self destruction...
I wish you the best of luck... You sound so clear and healthy to me... I will pray for us...
Hugs to you..
Your friend Clowie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
Hudcal
You can PM me anytime you need a little pep talk. I thank God that I learned from a relationship long ago that I am more deserving of the occasional scrap thrown my way. Once you make the break once from an emotionally abusive situation, it's easier to heed the warning signs the next time around. Now, the big trick is in finding out why I seek out the birdies with the broken wings to begin with! Ah, sweet journey of life.
Hang tough folks! We can beat this..
You can PM me anytime you need a little pep talk. I thank God that I learned from a relationship long ago that I am more deserving of the occasional scrap thrown my way. Once you make the break once from an emotionally abusive situation, it's easier to heed the warning signs the next time around. Now, the big trick is in finding out why I seek out the birdies with the broken wings to begin with! Ah, sweet journey of life.
Hang tough folks! We can beat this..
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