ThatLittleGirl

Why...oh why...oh why.... I just have to put this down in writing...get it off my chest, I suppose. Maybe, just maybe, it'll sink in if I see it in black and white... Why can I not get it through my thick skull...my exah is an addict...actively???? I know this in my head... But it's like the movie Groundhog Day... I wake up in the morning...and I'll start a dialog in my head that says, "Maybe he's gotten it...maybe he's slowly tapered down and not using anymore." And I start to believe it... Then we'll have an interaction, and I'll know...he's still using at some level. Every freaking day seems to be repeating itself ( I know, insanity)... But why can I not let go of the completely irrational, but somewhat whimsical idea that he's going to eventually get sober....????

Maybe I'm afraid to move on...and I won't have to if I can stay waiting for him... I don't know... I tell myself that I'm in this position because of our 4.5 year old twins...and that I have to have him in my life because of this...they adore him... And while he's living with his parents in the same town (he relocated here after the house sold), the girls want to see him and spend time with him. Of course I allow it as long as he's never behind the wheel or alone with them...so his parents supervise. Anywho... on a good day these all sound like excuses to me...But on a bad day...they seem rational and very comforting... I do believe if we did not have children together I would have walked away with no contact... Not being able to do that is making this much harder...

OK...thanks for the vent...

dollydo

Vent away, I can understand the importance of your girls having a relationship with their dad.

However, that does not mean that you cannot move forward with your life. Would appear that you are still obsessing and fantazing about him, why?

keepinon

Maybe one day he will find recovery..then what? Does that really change anything now?I can assure you that just because someone gets sober, they are not magically awesome. That is a fantasy and boy do I know it. All those flaws and personality quirks are still there.Sobriety does not heal old wounds or fix relationship problems I am finding.

glitterfairy

I have to agree with "Keepinon". He won't magically be awesome (I love that phrase) in recovery, which will be for the rest of his life. I doubt using is his only fault.
Are you being honest with yourself about your feelings for him? It seems like you are the one who is unable to change and move forward (maybe I'm telling myself this too).
Take care!

ThatLittleGirl

However, that does not mean that you cannot move forward with your life. Would appear that you are still obsessing and fantazing about him, why? - That's the frustrating part...I think, in my mind at least, that I am moving on... I've divorced him, live with my parents, sold the house... But then I find myself on the opposite position...yes, still holding on to some shred of my fairy tale with him... And I just cannot seem to let it go...for many reasons. One of which is because I don't have anything else right now... I'm 37, with no job, living with my parents...and I haven't moved on from there...and so, I guess, I go back to what I know...and unfortunately, the last decade or more of my life has been with exah...

ThatLittleGirl

they are not magically awesome. That is a fantasy and boy do I know it. All those flaws and personality quirks are still there. - Yes, you are soooooo right. And I'm not sure that after 15 plus years of active drug use that he'll ever really be able to live actively as a father and husband in the capacity I desire. Thanks, it's comments like this that slap me in the face and bring me back to reality. This is exactly why I posted here tonight...!!!

ThatLittleGirl

Are you being honest with yourself about your feelings for him? It seems like you are the one who is unable to change and move forward (maybe I'm telling myself this too). - So true...I think there is a part of me that is afraid to move on... Afraid of what...??? Many things...
Change maybe...??? May I say I have an irrational idea that as soon as I move on, he'll get sober...find someone else and live happily ever after...and have the life "we" were supposed to have together. I know that it's crazy...but I'm going to be honest with myself and you all...and I think that's a major reason why I hold on..."just in case"...

Live

How about checking out the book "Getting Them Sober"?

I think you might find it very helpful.

You can find excerpts on the web.

newnormal4me

TLG, gosh I'm so glad you posted this. My AH just got served with legal sep papers, however has informed me that he's getting his ducks in a row to move on. As he stands there stone cold and essentially feelingless, I'm bawling my eyes out. Wishing things were different...wishing that it was the slap in the face that would spawn him to fight for his family. But no...he's moving on and I'm devastated!

Granted, I am obviously moving in that direction, but it's been hard every single step of the way and I've waffled and stalled and finally DID IT. Yet, never have felt one bit good about it - it is killing me. Cause yes, I want the fantasy too, and well, I know that I have to muster up the courage to let it go and start visualizing a different life for myself.

My guy was AWESOME...at one time...for a long time...but who he is now stinks and I don't want it anymore. But I still want the old guy. The one that treated me like gold and would do anything for anyone and worked hard and was responsible. He WAS that guy and I have a very, very hard time letting it go. We have been together 19 years! And we have young kids, 8 and 6. My kids deserve the old guy as their dad. It breaks my heart so bad. And being that I come from a divorced home myself I know how rotten it can feel. I never wanted that for them. But I also don't want the situation that is here today either for them.

It obviously takes time to get there. I'm so sorry you are still hanging on to it despite being divorced. I can totally see myself stuck where you are too in the future. I also have the same feelings, that he will clean himself up just in time for some other person to reap the benefits. But...what to do? I have dreams of getting focused on myself more...working out again...putting these stupid cigarettes down again (which I quit for 5 years only to take back up this past June when things went fast downhill for us...). How about we fantasize about ourselves picking ourselves up and making some new goals and sticking to them. It's one baby step at a time, and eventually we will get there!

Hang in there! There has to be a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel.

keepinon

How about this thought...when you let go of the what ifs ( he gets sober, becomes awesome overnight, etc) and live in the right now..energetically you are opening up space for something GOOD to come into your life. Not necissarily a guy..maybe a job, new friend, activities that you enjoy, etc. When we hold on so tight , we are closed to the possibilites around us and remain stuck. Very hippydippy, but true i think.

outtolunch

BINGO.

The more I focused on my daughter and her addiciton, the less like I was to focus on my role and issues. Obsessing about what I did not control was convenient on many levels.

Babyblue

We are the magically awesome ones! They have a serious problem which they may or may not work on. What helps me is I sort of see his problem as a disability of sorts. Meaning, that IS who he is. An alcoholic/addict who is trying to stay sober. Take away all the social stigma, the expectation, the fantasies and that is who he is. Kind of like that elderly crazy relative that you put up with. As long as you don't let that person destroy your life that is.

He may or may not get better, stay sober and rebuild his life. My life will be on its own track until he decides he can actively (and soberly) participate as I'd love him to. Now, it ain't gonna happen. It ain't happening and I've stopped banging my head on the wall wondering why what is so obvious to me is so elusive to him. I see him struggle, hate his life as it is and my hope is he will find some avenue of recovery that will stick. He is trying so ok. Meanwhile I keep rephrasing it in my mind as a disability meaning there are limitations and I can't expect him to do some of the things I can because of it. It sounds sorta kooky but it works for me.

keepinon

it in my mind as a disability meaning there are limitations and I can't expect him to do some of the things I can because of it.


i try to use this way of thinking too.Just as long as it doesn't become an excuse .My husband and I had this conversation this morning.
Him"SHe IS an adddict"
Me"I asked her to do a two-step direction..call the movie theater and call us back.I work with developmentally delayed 0-3 year olds and this is on tests that we give them (followinf a two step command). We have to have SOME kind of expectations."

Callie

May I say I have an irrational idea that as soon as I move on, he'll get sober...find someone else and live happily ever after...and have the life "we" were supposed to have together. I know that it's crazy...but I'm going to be honest with myself and you all...and I think that's a major reason why I hold on..."just in case"...


Oh TLG - I lived that way for YEARS! I'll be damn#d if I was going to be the one going through the storm by his side pulling him out, rescuing, saving him. Only to have him come out to a rainbow (the rainbow that "I" worked for and earned) and spend it with someone else. That thinking bought me YEARS of more misery.


My AH just got served with legal sep papers, however has informed me that he's getting his ducks in a row to move on. As he stands there stone cold and essentially feelingless, I'm bawling my eyes out. Wishing things were different...wishing that it was the slap in the face that would spawn him to fight for his family. But no...he's moving on and I'm devastated!



My xah pulled this card too along the way. He knew my loyalty and devotion. He manipulated it by talking about moving on. In reality he had NO intentions of moving on. It was quite the opposite. Looking back, you could practically hear the whoosh of those statements sweeping me back in again.... for more years.

TLG - your thoughts are valid, but think them through. Don't let the good outweigh the bad. The bad IS the reason you're divorced. Don't forget about that.

ThatLittleGirl

Thanks everyone... Moving on from this experience is just not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I would continue to say to myself...once I move out...once the divorce is final...once the house sells...etc..., I'll be able to move on. That is just not the case...and all those excuses for not moving on were just another form of denial. I know I placed all my angst on him and his addiction, when the truth is...I'm a mess, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't know why I don't want to do that work because I know it will make for a healthier, happier me...I have procrastinated beginning the process in earnest. It was easier to keep the focus on him instead of me. I know this...but sometimes you have to put it out there to see the forest for the trees...kwim? So, if I want to move on, I suppose I need to start putting one foot in front of the other and actually set a goal and go somewhere... Where to begin...???? Step one sounds like as good a place as any:-)

Thanks all for the advice and support...SR is such a blessing for me!!!

steve1840

I'm a mess, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't know why I don't want to do that work because I know it will make for a healthier, happier me...

i am with you on this. sometimes i wonder if by not fixing myself, i am able to hold on to her. that if i fix myself, i am letting her go.

Kindeyes

I think it is very helpful to do exactly what you did.....post here and get those thoughts out of your head and onto virtual paper. That IS a babystep! You are identifying the feelings and thoughts and processing them! And the people here on SR are AWESOME because they provide insight from a perspective of recovery.....your recovery!

This is profound self realization in my mind. All of this recovery stuff takes a lot of practice. And even with a lot of practice I do a lot of backsliding, gaining ground, working hard, getting frustrated, trying again, etc.

Keep up the good work!

gentle hugs

Callie

I would continue to say to myself...once I move out...once the divorce is final...once the house sells...etc..., I'll be able to move on. That is just not the case...and all those excuses for not moving on were just another form of denial. I know I placed all my angst on him and his addiction, when the truth is...I'm a mess, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't know why I don't want to do that work because I know it will make for a healthier, happier me...

Right there with ya sister.

keepinon

A sponsor canhelp you move in the right direction.That's their job..kinda like a free life coach!

ThatLittleGirl

i am with you on this. sometimes i wonder if by not fixing myself, i am able to hold on to her. that if i fix myself, i am letting her go. - I agree...the whole idea of walking away makes me anxious... But I've gotta walk the talk... It's hard...when I haven't heard from him in awhile...I just want to call him to find out "how he's doing"... My habits, my thought processes, my reactions are so ingrained after over a decade of this behavior...it takes a conscientious effort to stop myself. But I figure I'll fake it 'til I make it...eventually it's got to feel natural.