Why have I sabotaged myself like this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 72
Why have I sabotaged myself like this?
Hi, please forgive me if I have posted this in the wrong section, I am still learning my way around here.
I hope that the path to my recovery is to discover the real reason why I have allowed my addictions in life to hold me back from all that I can be.
As a child I performed extremely well in school and was "destined for success".
I know now that I have suffered from depression from a very young age but no-one in my family recognised this or perhaps knew how to get me help. It seems strange to me now because I was afforded every other opportunity in life but the one thing that I really needed.
Upon entering university my life kind of fell to pieces, I started focusing more on parties and taking illegal substances than attending class. I remember explaining to a friend at the time that I was doing all of this because "it made me feel alive for the first time".
Well to cut a long story short, I scraped together two degrees, God knows how, and managed to find my current job. Then the real heavy drinking started, strangely at the same time I started taking anti depressant medication for the first time ever.
Sometimes I find myself sitting at work, wondering why I have allowed things to get this bad. I even purposely "forget" to do everything I am supposed to do at work. I mean, who purposely sabotages themselves like that? Am I alone?
Well, about two months ago I decided enough was enough, no more weekend partying, and now no more drinking. Funnily enough the drugs have been easier to stop than the drink.
I want to stop sabotaging myself. I hate that no-one really knows the extent of my addictions except me. Sometimes I think my greatest gift is the ability to hide the fact that I need help. To hide me.
I hope that the path to my recovery is to discover the real reason why I have allowed my addictions in life to hold me back from all that I can be.
As a child I performed extremely well in school and was "destined for success".
I know now that I have suffered from depression from a very young age but no-one in my family recognised this or perhaps knew how to get me help. It seems strange to me now because I was afforded every other opportunity in life but the one thing that I really needed.
Upon entering university my life kind of fell to pieces, I started focusing more on parties and taking illegal substances than attending class. I remember explaining to a friend at the time that I was doing all of this because "it made me feel alive for the first time".
Well to cut a long story short, I scraped together two degrees, God knows how, and managed to find my current job. Then the real heavy drinking started, strangely at the same time I started taking anti depressant medication for the first time ever.
Sometimes I find myself sitting at work, wondering why I have allowed things to get this bad. I even purposely "forget" to do everything I am supposed to do at work. I mean, who purposely sabotages themselves like that? Am I alone?
Well, about two months ago I decided enough was enough, no more weekend partying, and now no more drinking. Funnily enough the drugs have been easier to stop than the drink.
I want to stop sabotaging myself. I hate that no-one really knows the extent of my addictions except me. Sometimes I think my greatest gift is the ability to hide the fact that I need help. To hide me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi30sober
I think being able to hide my addictions, and my problems, was probably my greatest handicap too - it wasn't I lost that ability, at the end of my drinking career, that I was really able to see my problem for what it was - something that was killing me.
I don't think many of us as strangers to self sabotage either...one of the worst things about my drinking was it kept me in a perpetual loop - but at least I didn't have to try something new...and fail, y'know?
There is a life beyond all that
I know you'll find a lot of support here...
Welcome
D
I think being able to hide my addictions, and my problems, was probably my greatest handicap too - it wasn't I lost that ability, at the end of my drinking career, that I was really able to see my problem for what it was - something that was killing me.
I don't think many of us as strangers to self sabotage either...one of the worst things about my drinking was it kept me in a perpetual loop - but at least I didn't have to try something new...and fail, y'know?
There is a life beyond all that
I know you'll find a lot of support here...
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Congratulations on your decision to stop drinking. Your story is not uncommon, I masked my drinking for years with few consequences but when I went over the line consequences came quickly.
I tried to control my drinking and never could until I got help in a program of recovery. It made all the difference in the world and I have been sober since.
Welcome to SR
I tried to control my drinking and never could until I got help in a program of recovery. It made all the difference in the world and I have been sober since.
Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Hi 30, and welcome to SR! You asked if you are alone and I can answer that one with a resounding no. Although addicts make up a small percentage in the greater population, they come in at 100% here! I was initially drawn to SR b/c I was so scared of opening up f2f, afraid of rejection. B/C of the added anonymity here, I was able, little by little to share my fears and guess what? I was welcomed with open arms and people shared their fears and told me I was not unique, not a failure, not hopeless, just simply an addict.
That alone was a huge relief.
What have you done to start your recovery? What has been successful for you and what is proving problematic? Recovery is all about discovery....getting to know our strengths and weaknesses and getting back to being the people we were meant to be.
That alone was a huge relief.
What have you done to start your recovery? What has been successful for you and what is proving problematic? Recovery is all about discovery....getting to know our strengths and weaknesses and getting back to being the people we were meant to be.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Well, I can speak from the point of view of a specialist in self-sabotage.
It took me a long time to accept that I was messing up all aspects of my life, and that was long before I began drinking. And, it was so simple. I didn't believe that I deserved a good life. My self-esteem was so low that I felt more comfortable failing, than succeeding.
It took me a long time to accept that I was messing up all aspects of my life, and that was long before I began drinking. And, it was so simple. I didn't believe that I deserved a good life. My self-esteem was so low that I felt more comfortable failing, than succeeding.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think I drank to sabotage myself, though that was the effect of it. I drank because life seemed mellower, and I felt better, after a few drinks. But then the addiction set in, and I drank because I HAD to. Once you HAVE to drink, it really doesn't matter why you started--you drink because you're an alcoholic and don't any longer have any choice in the matter.
If that's where you're at, you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to figure out the "whys," or you can decide to stop, using whatever means are necessary. I found AA to be the answer.
If that's where you're at, you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to figure out the "whys," or you can decide to stop, using whatever means are necessary. I found AA to be the answer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
30S, a lot of that is similar to me. I'm glad you look at it as sabotaging yourself. Keep looking into the depression issue and even the fact that it seemed like your drinking would spike upon installation of something good. For me, it seems like I almost gravitate toward depression, and I noticed that even before the alcoholism was very clear to me. Keep going!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Self-sabotage was a problem early on in recovery. What I needed to do was develop some recovery skills. I learned that I need to be patient with myself as well as understand that the more I practiced the SMART Recovery Tools the greater ease I had with living a drug/alcohol free life.
SR is a great addition to my recovery treatment so stick around and join us in recovery.
SR is a great addition to my recovery treatment so stick around and
join us in recovery.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome 30Sober - My addiction felt a lot like sabotage, too. I would drink the night before I knew I had to get up early and go to an appointment or meet a deadline. I guess that's why they call it an addiction - because even though you know the consequences, you do it anyway.
Just focus on getting through the next day sober and keep all the other stuff simple. Stay close to this place when you have urges. Having support makes all the difference.:ghug3
Just focus on getting through the next day sober and keep all the other stuff simple. Stay close to this place when you have urges. Having support makes all the difference.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 72
Thank you all so much for your kind words of welcome and support. I will definitely be using this site as a tool in my recovery.
Even though I haven't got to the point where I have the courage to show up at a meeting and face people, I am hoping in time that I will explore that option.
Anna, I think you hit the nail on head. Thanks for that.
Even though I haven't got to the point where I have the courage to show up at a meeting and face people, I am hoping in time that I will explore that option.
Anna, I think you hit the nail on head. Thanks for that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Glad you are here and sharing 30. I too was on a path of self-destruction....has taken me a lot of work in recovery and the removal of alcohol to start getting to the roots of why I drank and what I was running from.
Good stuff and I am looking forward to your journey my friend.
Good stuff and I am looking forward to your journey my friend.
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