SarahG

I'm the adult child of 2 alcoholics. I'm married, 36 years old, and I have four wonderful children. I've struggled making peace with my childhood - I've read all the books, gone to therapy, talked & talked & talked to my husband until we're both just plain tired of telling and hearing the same old stories. (FTR, he's the child of a binge-drinking single mother.)

I live in the same city as my parents, who still drink. They do visit, but they know not to call or visit when they've been drinking or risk a slammed door in the face. I'll have a relationship with them, but I hold them (rightfully) at arm's length. My mother is a spiteful, nasty person, and my father has just given up. His health is poor (big surprise) and he is completely passive. I don't trust 99.9% of what my mother says, and I try not to get pulled down into the helplessness that characterizes my father. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with them, just to be a good Christian, while still keeping enough distance for my own sanity. I don't ever visit them, and my children are NEVER left alone with them. I think I have decent boundaries.

What's next? Where do I go from here? I know the characteristics of an ACOA. I've read so many books that I feel I can nearly write my own. My problem is they always stop short of the crucial answer - what's next? How do I foster my own recovery? There are no ACOA meetings in my area, so that's out. I know I have anger issues - I know that I need to somehow let go of all that anger that I'm carrying around from my childhood. I get that I need to do it, BUT HOW? What steps can I take to get there? I know I'm too confrontational, often when there's no need to be - is that just who I am? Can I, should I, change that? I often hear that my first step is forgiveness - but that is SO far away to me. How can I forgive them of robbing me of my childhood? How can I forgive them for not even bothering to know who I am, today?

I'm ready to do the work, I just need to know what to do! Any advice?

Floss

I totally get where you're coming from. It's as though you've read my mind. I'm thinking about starting my own ACoA meeting in my area...apparently it's possible. Check this link out Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

You've probably read this Laundry List, but just in case, here it is...
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household.

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. I think this one should include we also rebelled against authority figures

2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

8. We become addicted to excitement. Apparently it
originally said fear but it was changed

9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue”.

10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.– Tony A., 1978

Thanks for sharing your story Sarah. It really related to it...

tromboneliness

There is a phone ACA meeting every day at noon (Eastern Time). I've called in a few times -- people call in from all over the world. It's a little tricky to talk, because the moderator can't see you, and I must say, there tends to be a lot of heavy-duty ACA issue-sharing, which sometimes gets to be a bit much. But it's an option if you don't have a local meeting.

Here's a link to a Las Vegas ACA page that lists the phone number and access code for the phone-in meeting:

Meeting Schedule

Worth a try!

T

Floss

Thanks Tromboneliness. I live in Australia though so I'm not sure if that would work for me? Or maybe it could if I was able to covert the time? Could be helpful for Sarah. She's in the US.

jazzz

How about the 12 steps, are they not practiced in Acoa ? They sure could help with those anger issues..

I hope you find a way

Jazzz

GingerM

One step at a time: first off a HUGE pat on the back for recognizing that you have anger issues. For many people, recognizing and accepting that they have issues is the hardest step.

Then next step (since you're asking "what's next?") is to identify what's underneath the anger. What triggers it? Anger is a secondary emotion - we do not feel anger until we feel something else first: hurt, abandoned, scared, violation of trust... In other words, you have to find what it is that makes you feel angry (not an exterior action, but an interior feeling) before you can address it. For me, anger is usually caused when I feel that someone is putting me down.

After you can identify what makes you angry, you can begin to address the issue. If it goes back to individual memories, you can actually rework the memory and "re-parent" yourself. This involves diving deep into the memory, going back to being the child who was in the situation, then stepping into the memory as your current adult self and talking to the child (NOT to the perpetrators of the actions, to the child). Reassure the child that the treatment is unfair, confirm to the child-you that it was really rotten, give the child the support that was lacking when the incident first happened.

The first person in the forgiveness list should be you. I still find it difficult at times to forgive myself or allow myself to be human. Most of the time I'm okay with it, but every now and then something sneaks up on me and I can't seem to let go of being angry at myself.

As for forgiving your parents, Mike has a really good analogy for that. When a bank "forgives" a loan, it is saying "we don't ever expect to see this money again, so we are going to stop trying." What they are NOT doing is saying "this person was never responsible for the loan in the first place." That is the key to forgiving, I think. To acknowledge that you will never get the things you needed from your parents, and accept that there is no point in continuing to try. Forgiveness and absolution are not the same thing. My parents are still guilty of doing things that were terribly destructive to me. But I no longer expect them to do anything any differently - if anything, I fully expect that they will continue to try to do the same things over and over. Their actions no longer affect me the way they used to - something which only leads to frustration on their part, and frequent threats to stop talking to me (as my husband says "As if you could be so lucky!"). So far they are still talking to me.

This is what worked for me. What works for you may be entirely different. At least it may provide you with something new to ponder and roll around inside your head.

DesertEyes

Hello there SarahG, and pleased to "meet" you

Awesome, that's 90% of the battle right there. And what the others have shared is exactly right. ( thanx gang )

The way recovery works is in three stages: Awareness, Acceptance then Action. Sounds to me like you're done with the first two, so let's get going with the Actions.

The short version is that ACoA's grew up without a childhood, or a very minimal version of one. Now that we're adults it's too late to get it from our biological parents. Mine were never capable of parenting anyone and they died that way. So what we have to do is become our own "surrogate parents".

There's a ton of different ways of doing that. One is meetings, for those who have them. Another is therapy, if you are in an area where those are available, yet another is online resources such as this forum. Whatever works for you.

The actual action of being our own parents goes like this:

Imagine there's a knocking at your door, and when you open it you see a child. Say about 8 years of age. Left abandoned on your doorstep. No, you cannot turn the child over to the government, _you_ have to raise this child. The catch is, this child has _your_ history. So now what do you do?

You have to take this imaginary child everywhere you go. To work. To buy groceries. To the mall. Everywhere. And you have to make that experience a positivie, happy, healthy experience for that child.

I took a class in juggling, and when I go to the grocery store I grab some kleenex boxes or paper towels and juggle them in the aisle. I'm actually a rather poor juggler, so we don't do the fruits and vegetables I smile politely at the other people in the store, just to be nice, and most of them act rather shocked and smile back. Not all of them. But most of them.

I'm making the grocery store trip a positive experience for this imaginary 8 year old.

When I do anything, at work, at home, take the car to the shop, I give this 8 year old a small compliment. Good job, good choice, you organize that well, I'm glad you're here.

The sort of support and encouragement I never got as a kid. And I understand intellectually that I'm complimenting myself, but emotionally that little bit of distance created by the "imaginary child" removes all the "brain washing" I got from my parents and allows the compliments to actually have some value.

I know, it sounds silly, but it really does work. Not all in one day, or one week, but after a couple months of doing it consistently you'll see a tiny bit of difference. And then a little more, and after awhile you'll be amazed. Just like I was. Therapists call this technique "Affirmations". It's a good one to start with because it's easy and you can feel the results fairly soon.

In meetings of AA they give the sobering drunks a "chip" or "medallion" when they first show up. A "newcomers chip" they call it. In my meets of ACoA they used to give a stuffed animal, for that imaginary 8 year old that was so emotionally injured. That was our "newcomer chip", and the idea is you keep the stuffed animal until your "inner child" feels grown up enough not to need it anymore. Then you can give it to somebody else who just walked into their first meetings.

Anyway, that's a start. Give it a try and let us know what you think. Then we'll all toss in other techniques that have worked for us and we can all learn from each other.

Mike

sesh

Thank you Mike and Ginger,
you said so many things I really needed to hear today.
Mike, when I read this: Imagine there's a knocking at your door, and when you open it you see a child. Say about 8 years of age. Left abandoned on your doorstep.
I just started to cry.
As I've been thinking about my inner child issues for the past few days, and couldn't find the proper way to address them.
And yet, right now I can not stop crying, I'm just picturing myself, when I was 8 or 10 or whatever, that lonely, lonely, scared girl, and I just want to hug her and comfort her, and I want to ask her to forgive me.
I don't remember last time I cried so much, and God knows I need it.
Thank you, you have given me such a powerful tool. I'll try doing what you suggested.

But strange thing is happening now, I'm feeling guilty that I'm sitting here and writing, I feel like I should do things for her, like I should go and play with her. Is this strange?
I'm feeling a bit crazy to be honest, and yet unable to stop crying.

Still Waters

That laundry list sounds amazingly familiar, yet I didn't grow up with alcoholic parents or abuse, or anything like that. An emotionally distant father, but my Mom was always there for me.

So...how the heck did I end up with a lot of that stuff???

Bug hugs for sesh, hang in there.

GingerM

Mike - I love your abandoned child framework! What a perfect way to frame the concept of reparenting. While framework I gave works really well for a specific instance or memory that's causing problems, yours is much better for life in general. I'm going to have to give that a whirl!

Gin

SarahG

Thanks, Mike & Ginger - that does help. So self-affirmation (that's a job - stopping the constant negative talk in my head!), visualization of re-parenting myself, and starting the forgiving process. Tall order, but do-able. I'm glad to have something to DO, even if it is going to take me a good long time!

tromboneliness

Also, the ACA world service organization has a workbook that's good. It makes you sit down and write out the stuff that you have experienced, and stare it in the face. That's what I like about ACA -- it forces you to look at this stuff, and not just skate by anymore.

Here's a link: ACA Fellowship Text - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

T

DesertEyes

Yup, that's exactly what happened to me at my first meetings. They just kept passing the tissues.

So ask her, and then you get to give the answer

Not at all. Emotions are just that, they really don't have much connection to reality. They pop up, cause trouble and then fade away. So go ahead and feel all you want, what's important is not whay you feel, but how you _act_.

Me? I play with my "inner child" by having lots of little projects around the house. I've got an old lamp I'm fixing, I'm thinking of doing a statue of a heron, some old cameras need cleaning. Some times I take him to the bookstore just because. For no good reason, just cuz the bookstore is a fun place to be for an hour or so.

No worries, it's called "grief", and it's a perfectly common part of surviving a horror. The crying will pass quickly.

Mike

DesertEyes

See, Claudia Black and I have had some convo's on that subject. She talks about it sometimes in her lectures. When she first wrote the book she was working with families of alcoholics, and that is what she saw and treated. Thirty years later and there has been a _lot_ research on the subject. It _should_ be called "Adult Children of Toxic Envrionments", but the ACoA label has stuck, changing the copyrights and trademarks would be _hugely_ expensive, so everybody decided to just live with it.

So welcome to our "family"

Mike

DesertEyes

You only have to do it one day at a time

Mike

sesh

Thank you Mike,
you have given me a great gift. I'm constantly praising my inner child for all kind of little things I'm doing, and I'm realizing that I'm smilling all the time. My God, I never knew I so much needed to be praised. Which is making me think this exercise is mostly about learning to truly love yourself.
This stuff is really powerful, but I will not write more about it here, as I'm feeling that I'm hijacking SarahG's thread. So, sorry SarahG.

naive

ok, just read this thread and went into the kitchen to wash the dishes, mulling it over.

as i was washing the dishes, i said to little naive "you do keep a nice tidy house"...

it actually made me feel better! how funny!

it reminds me of a new habit i do when i make a juice for myself....i toast myself in the mirror with my fresh juice and say "to your health, naive". at first, i felt stupid talking to myself in the mirror, but now i just smile at myself and have some delicious, healthy juice.

hard to explain, but after so many years of taking care of everyone else except me, it reaffirms somehow that i'm worth it and i'm going to meet my goal of taking better care of myself.

naive

tjp613

Love this thread - thank you all for sharing.

A woman in my AA group said her therapist asked her to carry around a picture of herself taken as a young girl and that she should take it out and talk to her when she is wanting to do something self-destructive. I thought that was an awesome idea.

Much love to you all... xoxo

Hollyanne

Was going to start hitting the thanks button, but thought, "not quite enough".
Am sad that so many of us have had these experiences. I found the laundry list applied 100% to my siblings and I. Really weird. We constantly hear how everyone is different but considering we are in all corners of the world, it is kind of weird that our problems and the solutions are all extremely similar.
I don't think I will be juggling in the supermarket anytime soon, but, a couple of months ago, I did take a photo of my sister and myself from my parents home. I do look and feel for those 2 young girls. My sister actually took issue with me for taking it but in my mind, I said, "I will take better care of them". I am crying now?!!! They deserved better, so they did.

sesh

I really like that idea of looking at photo, but unfortunatelly I don' have any photos of me when I was that age (my home was burned down to the ground during the war in Bosnia, and we lost all of our belongings). I have few, that some relatives or friends gave me, but these one are of me being a baby or toddler, or when I was 18 or so.
I'd really like to have a photo of me when I was 8 or 10. Sh1t! this is making me aware once again how much I've lost in that stupid war. But in the same time I feel guilty for complaining as many people have lost much more than I did. I lost only material things. That shouldn't be important. But I'm sad I don't have the pics of me when I was a child. I'd give anything to see the pic of my face when I was 10. I remember how I look, but not quite the same thing.
Oh, well...
I'll start contacting my relatives to see if any of them maybe still has one of me when that age. Ok, action, I feel better already.


Also, still can't stop smilling from all the praising I'm giving myself. It seems to be working well for my family too, I can see the sign of relief on their faces, since miserable mumy is smilling again.