he is missing again now what????

Old 10-21-2010, 04:40 PM
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Question he is missing again now what????

My husband went to treatment but left after 2 weeks and since he has been back he has used 3 times and he hasn't been home for even 2 weeks. He went for a job interview this morning at 930 and it is now 530 and he is still not home. He isn't answering the phone. I know he had no money when he left but that never stops him he will just pawn something. What do I do. I know that in his heart he wants to quit it is like it is just to hard. I have an 8 year old and what do I tell him I can't keep liying and telling him that he is out. When do I say enough can I say that. He has now where to go. I know I have to tell him to leave I just don't think I have the strength to do it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I'm feeling like I'm drowning.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:51 PM
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take some deep breathes..

In a full slow inhale
Let it out very slowly through your mouth

You know he is out using.

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

If he really wanted to be clean he wouldn't have left rehab.
And he would be going to outpatient or NA or something tonight instead of using.
He would have responsibly told you where he was, what his plan was and approx when he would be home and whether he was eating at home or out etc.

Have you been to al-anon or nar-anon?
That would be helpful to you.

I suggest you read the stickies at the top of this forum.
Please make yourself at home, post all you want.
You will meet alot of great people here who can share their experience, strength and hope.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:57 PM
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Thank you I started to cry when I was reading what you wrote maybe I just need a good cry thank you so much
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:18 PM
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Yes, a good cry may help. There is nothing you can do for him, this is 100% his problem to resolve. Your husband is an adult, responsible for himself. He will find somewhere to go, they all do.

As for your 8 year old, this child must be your priorty, you are the childs voice, you hold their future in the palm of your hand. Believe me, I know, I lived in a home of two alcoholics, I heard and saw everything and I paid the price, don't do this to your child, a child deserves so much more.

Read others posts, it will help, lots of knowledgable people here, real people who care!
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:21 PM
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A good cry is a good place to start. Let out some of that anxiety and upset.

Not being able to get in touch with a loved one especially one you feel certain is doing something harmful to themselves is gut wrenching. I've been in that frenzy myself.

When I started letting those feelings out, they stopped having such a hold on me. I was no longer paralyzed and wondering what if this or what if that. Focusing on how I was feeling and what I could do to alleviate those feelings for myself made a big difference.

I started sharing here, reading, and working the steps of Al-Anon. I put a voice to the feelings I was ashamed to express to family and friends and started revealing the truth about my situation.

It's been a long road, but as they say every journey begins with the first step, and I am so grateful I took it.

You've take a step to seek some answers. Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep asking those questions and the answers will reveal themselves.

Welcome!!

Alice
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
If he really wanted to be clean he wouldn't have left rehab.
And he would be going to outpatient or NA or something tonight instead of using.
Amen to that.

I've been through divorce, several major surgeries, my oldest daughter becoming an addict, my youngest disappearing in the middle of the night at age 15 (she ran away), the deaths of several of my beloved pets, and the list continues on.

I've managed to stay clean/sober through all of that.

Please find some face-to-face support as has already been suggested. You deserve so much better dear, and so does your son.

He has made the conscious choice to return to active addiction

You have no control over that.

You do have control over what you choose to do for your life, and your son's life.
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:47 AM
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got to balance this one-as an alcoholic for years i have had numerous relapses-i keep having them-my family etc are sick of telling me what i'm doing-maybe he just needs support-i've got support on here and now, from a.a-i know its not the same situation but he must have a hole in his life somewhere-and i dont mean familywise or anything-it could be something thats gtot to him in the past and keeps recurring-i know i can go for weeks and weeks dry and then i hit the floor-i'm trying to work out what triggers me-maybe he needs to talk to someone to see what triggers him-if he's just using it for recreation purposes then that's one thing-if he's using it to black out/mask underlying things then the sooner he adresses them the better-i have been using drink etc to make myself feel better about things that have happened to me-and after a while the dark thoughts come in and you think-oh f**k it-theres no point-it's never going to go away-i'm waiting for psychotherapy to help me resolve my issues-maybe he needs to actually sit and talk to someone outside of "the box" i mean, someone that doesn't know him or you-someone he can open up to without fear of any repercussions-i know when i see my shrink i come out feeling drained-but a little bit of weight is lifted off my shoulders each time-and knowing what i tell him is confidential-and he doesn't know me or any of my closest anyway-so he can't really disclose what is said, makes me feel better.

i know this may be not what you want to hear but dope him up on meds as much as you want-as proven, he's been in rehab-come out-and gone back to his ways.

sounds to me (armchair psychologist lol ) like he does need to speak to someone over this, before he goes too far.

good luck and keep us posted.

john.
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by joey8262 View Post
got to balance this one-as an alcoholic for years i have had numerous relapses-i keep having them-my family etc are sick of telling me what i'm doing-maybe he just needs support-i've got support on here and now, from a.a-i know its not the same situation but he must have a hole in his life somewhere-and i dont mean familywise or anything-it could be something thats gtot to him in the past and keeps recurring-i know i can go for weeks and weeks dry and then i hit the floor-i'm trying to work out what triggers me-maybe he needs to talk to someone to see what triggers him-if he's just using it for recreation purposes then that's one thing-if he's using it to black out/mask underlying things then the sooner he adresses them the better-i have been using drink etc to make myself feel better about things that have happened to me-and after a while the dark thoughts come in and you think-oh f**k it-theres no point-it's never going to go away-i'm waiting for psychotherapy to help me resolve my issues-maybe he needs to actually sit and talk to someone outside of "the box" i mean, someone that doesn't know him or you-someone he can open up to without fear of any repercussions-i know when i see my shrink i come out feeling drained-but a little bit of weight is lifted off my shoulders each time-and knowing what i tell him is confidential-and he doesn't know me or any of my closest anyway-so he can't really disclose what is said, makes me feel better.

i know this may be not what you want to hear but dope him up on meds as much as you want-as proven, he's been in rehab-come out-and gone back to his ways.

sounds to me (armchair psychologist lol ) like he does need to speak to someone over this, before he goes too far.
As a recovering alcoholic/addict myself, it's up to me to live in the solution.

Regardless of what her husband might 'need', it's affecting her and her son's life.

We are here to support her.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:37 AM
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i'm not saying that in a negative way-but am trying to say that rather than the family dissolve and the child ends up in the middle-if he went and spoke to someone or sought help-rehab is good but if there are things in his head he can't deal with alone then he needs help-maybe he just uses for fun-maybe he uses to blank things out-nobody knows-my heart goes out to her and their child-but at the end of the day getting a bit of help ie. someone to open up to-might actually help him and save their marriage-believe me-i'm talking from experience-i lost my girlfriend and everything that went with it-including 2 kids-why ? because i couldnt find the help i needed-thats why my point was-dont write him off-try and talk to him and persuade him to speak to someone outside-it can't do any harm and might save their marriage. sorry if i offend anyone but that's how i feel.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:55 AM
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I would hope that your son's needs far outweigh your husband's. Like others have said, he is an adult, making adult choices he has every right to make, even at the expense of your well being, and the well being of that precious little child. He has places to go.. he could go to rehab, he could go to free rehab thru the Salvation Army, I have.. He could stay in a shelter, or on the streets if that's his preference over a plan for recovery. This is not your burden to carry. Why continue exposing your little boy to the insanity of addiction, when it's within your control? Like Dolly said, you are his voice, his only chance at a beautiful life.. please think about his needs over the selfish and sick actions of an addict. If he never falls, he'll never have to get up.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by joey8262 View Post
i'm not saying that in a negative way-but am trying to say that rather than the family dissolve and the child ends up in the middle-if he went and spoke to someone or sought help-rehab is good but if there are things in his head he can't deal with alone then he needs help-maybe he just uses for fun-maybe he uses to blank things out-nobody knows-my heart goes out to her and their child-but at the end of the day getting a bit of help ie. someone to open up to-might actually help him and save their marriage-believe me-i'm talking from experience-i lost my girlfriend and everything that went with it-including 2 kids-why ? because i couldnt find the help i needed-thats why my point was-dont write him off-try and talk to him and persuade him to speak to someone outside-it can't do any harm and might save their marriage. sorry if i offend anyone but that's how i feel.

Joey.. he can find his own help if he wants it. He can call NA, he can call AA, he can call back his rehab and speak to a counselor, he can see a doctor, an emergency room. This is on him.. the catering to the addict deal has really not gotten anyone anywhere healthy.

This child has absolutely no say in this matter, and is living in the chaos of active addiction, unfairly.

I am also an addict in recovery, and I'll be damned if I'd ever have put the responsibility of my recovery on anyone else, family, spouse, society, or anyone outside my own head.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:07 PM
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it sounds like his rehab have just doped him up and sent him home after the 2 weeks-no aftercare or support etc-that may be what he needs-as you say, if he wants it then he will go and get it-no harm in pointing out the obvious to him-in a gentle way-if it can save the child living with mum and seeing dad once a week or whatever then it's worth the treck-if i would have got the help i needed when i needed it then maybe i wouldnt be 38, living alone with my son-i would still have my family-been 8 years now and it's horrible-if someone would have helped me get help back then i wouldn't be where i am now-am happy with my son and we have a decent life-but sometimes he wants his mum, as will the child want his dad-that's my point-get help from outside before it's too late-it's too late for me-unfortunately
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by joey8262 View Post
try and talk to him and persuade him to speak to someone outside-it can't do any harm and might save their marriage.
Why is it HER responsibility to talk to *him*to try to get him to talk to someone else and save their marriage? He is obviously not very interested in his family at the moment.

IMO, this calls for "hands off the addict" and letting him find his recovery himself.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by joey8262 View Post
it sounds like his rehab have just doped him up and sent him home after the 2 weeks-no aftercare or support etc-that may be what he needs-as you say, if he wants it then he will go and get it-no harm in pointing out the obvious to him-in a gentle way-if it can save the child living with mum and seeing dad once a week or whatever then it's worth the treck-if i would have got the help i needed when i needed it then maybe i wouldnt be 38, living alone with my son-i would still have my family-been 8 years now and it's horrible-if someone would have helped me get help back then i wouldn't be where i am now-am happy with my son and we have a decent life-but sometimes he wants his mum, as will the child want his dad-that's my point-get help from outside before it's too late-it's too late for me-unfortunately
Where do you get that rehab doped him up and sent him home?! He walked out of treatment on his own after two weeks. Apparently he didn't want help too badly, did he?

He's an adult. He can find his own help without dragging her and the child down in his active addiction.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:40 PM
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Thank you all for your support
I have tried everything in my power to get him help I got him into rehab made counseling appointments for him I am even willing to drive him anywhere he needs to go.
I should also let you all know that we have 2 kids one is 8 years old who believe me he is the hardest because I never know what to say to him when my husband is like this. the other one is only 3 months old and my husbands only bio child. He is still so innocent about all of this thank god but I only wish I knew the out come of all of this I know that my oldest son dose have issues because me and his dad are not together because he is an alcoholic and chose the booze over us and now I am afraid that my husband will to the something to all of us. Man do I know how to pick men. please read the follow up to this post to let you know what happened when he came home.
I think that I have some imported decisions to make I'm just not sure if I'm ready to make them.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:58 PM
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you never know the outcome. but you do know (i hope) that you have complete and total control over your situation, and the strength and ability to come out of this painful, stressful place into happy, healthy, and better one, with your two loving babies.
i am wishing you all the courage in the world.

joey, the fact that you say if someone helped you help yourself that things would be different, sounds like you haven't come to terms with the fact that you are responsible for where you are, no one else. why are you blaming others for your own situation, if you have a therapist and are recovered? have you talked to your shrink about feeling as if others not helping you get help is why you are where you are today?

((edit: sorry, joey. after reading your other posts, i see i assumed incorrectly, and that you are trying still to be sober. i wish you the best of luck, and strength in your journey.))
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