What2do72

Both my common-law wife and I are in our 30's. She went overrboard a few months ago with sleeping pills, not OD'd, but enough that we figured out she was using and doctor shopping again. Se is on probation for prescription forgery (no record this time) and is ordered to stay away from all drugs and alchohol and only to see her family doctor. When she slipped up, I got it out of her that it had been about two weeks and told her she had to seek treatment.

We went to a counsellor and they got her into a 9 day dry-out program and then she was supposed to see the counsellor after that to set up a treatment program. When she did get out, she was a completely different person.....for the better. Her outlook on life, and general attitude were amazing. She even went to an NA meeting the first day out and every second day after that. This for her was impressive, since she has a five year old little girl and I work everyday....she was still managing to get to the meetings. She is down to about every four days now. She told me Monday that she called the counsellor and they are faxing me info on the day treatment programs at work. As I now know with addiction, there are many lies. I called the counsellor today and of course she couldn't tell me if my girlfriend called, she did tell me that there is one day treatment program and gave me the details over the phone. This was another of her lies and on top of that last night I know she was out of it, but she swore she hadn't taken anything. I even told her I wouldn't be mad if she slipped as long as she kept up with the meetings and got into treatment. She still denied it.

Before she went to the dry-out, she said she wasn't sure how she felt about us and didn't know if she could see us together forever. Once she was out, she explained with clarity that she had been numb to everything and she loved me. Last night......this is about three weeks after her release, she said the same, "I'm not sure about us" Fifteen minutes later she came downstairs and said that she wasn't saying it was over and maybe we can try couples counselling. Am I wrong in thinking that she has to take care of herself and get better before we deal with couples counselling or anything else?? I love her and her daughter very much, but I told her that if she wants to do everything we can before making a final decision, I would go to group counselling for spouses and families of addicts if she does what she needs to do. I know I can't push her and she has to want to help herself. I also told her that if that she wants to go her own way and doesn't think anything is going to help that we will have to deal with that. We own a house together, which she put a 12,500 down payment on and did the windows for 6000. I am paying the mortgage, bills, house insurance, mortgage ins., and property tax and I am the only one with a full time job that can handle it. She said she wanted to sell the house.....but she doesn't understand that we would lose money on the house, real estate fees, and legal fees. I can't afford to go any further in debt.

I should mention that her father (RIP) who passed away August of 2009, did everything for her until he passed away when she was 29. I'm talking paid her debts, gave her pills to calm down, sleeping pills (she told him she had insomnia), bought her grocerys, fought her battles, called in sick for her to work............I mean everything. She never learned anything about finances or responsibility, and still has no idea.

Like I said, I love her, but I'm ready (if her name wasn't on the mortgage) to kick her out, tell her daughters bio father to go for custody, and tell her mother whats going on. If I do, her Mother had said she will sell her house, take my GF's van (in Moms name) and sell it, and move back to Germany. My GF will have nothing and either be on the street or if she wakes up in recovery. The thought of letting her hit bottom is killing me, but ealing with this off and on for the last three years is killing me even slower. On top of it all, I have been diagnosed with MS and have ignored that because of worrying about her.

I know most of you will say it sounds like I am co-dependant, but I went through the characteristics and it's not me. I have to do whats best for, her daughter, myself and her other friends and family.

Sorry for the long rambling sentances

Ann

Sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it is watching someone we love destroy their lives.

I really hope she sees how badly she is addicted and decides to do something about it. Her little girl is lucky to have you in her life and it must be hard to try to step away when a child is caught up in the chaos.

Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three fellowships that have helped many of us here find our balance again. Maybe find a meeting near you and give it a try.

I will keep you all in my prayers. Addiction really is a family disease.

Hugs

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find information and support for yourself here. Please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I'm sorry that your loved one is caught up in addiction. It is painful to watch someone we love continue to make unhealthy choices, over and over. The lies, manipulations, broken promises, and childish behaviors wear us down till we begin to doubt ourselves and forget to take care of our own lives. That's where Alanon, NarAnon and Coda can help.

Alanon has helped me take my focus off the addicted person and begin to look at myself. I was able to see how I had been reacting to life and living on the edge always anticipating the next 'episode'. That is no way to live my one precious life. I am learning to take care of myself, learning to forgive myself, learning to love myself and treat myself with respect.

One of the first things shared with me at SR was the three C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

That is harder to accept than I thought it would be. I was sure I could say, love or do something to fix/rescue my loved one. No. I was not that powerful.

I am going to make a book recommendation. I know you do not believe codependency is an issue in your life. However, I am making the book recommendation because of the practical tips on detaching, acceptance, anger and grieving. I recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

The book will offer examples and exercises to help you through detachment and acceptance with your loved one. The tips will also help you in dealing with friends and family effected by the addiction. Handling my anger in healthy, non-harmful ways has also saved me from stuffing my anger and having it manifest itself in physical ailments.

Please keep reaching out for the support you need to take care of YOU!

DesertEyes

Hello there What2do, and pleased to "meet" you

No worries, you won't hear me trying to diagnose you as co-dependent or anything else, and ramble all you want, that's what we're here for.

My ex-wife was addicted to pain pills. She had a doting father too, and she also did those emotional "flip flops" you describe. It's funny how so many of the crazy behaviors of the addicts are almost identical to each other. Like they all read the same manual.

I don't have MS, but I did ignore my health way more than I should have during the last few years of my marriage. I'm still trying to catch up in that area.

There is more than one way for a druggie to "hit bottom". There's things called "interventions", you might have seen 'em on TV. The idea is that the intervention forces a "bottom" in the controlled environment of a treatment center. If not an intervention then you might want to check with a lawyer and see what your financial options are.

I know what you mean. Sometimes doing the best for them can be a major challenge. I tried with my ex-wife and it didn't work, but a lot of other folks _have_ been succesful. Whatever you decide to do we'll be here for you to ramble away and get opinions.

I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

coffeedrinker

Hey there, What2Do,

You still around? How are you doing?