Desperate Plea for Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1
Desperate Plea for Help
This is my first post on this community -- I've joined just this morning. Throughout the last few months I've periodically gotten on here to read various threads, but as a protective mechanism could never really get myself to sign up. That made it too real, too close to home, too much like admitting there was a serious problem.
I should say now, that I am not the one who suffers from an addiction. It's my little brother, he's 20. And in jail, again. It was hard to tell at first when he got in 'big trouble' (a DUI right after his 18th birthday) if it was just 'kids being kids' and partying and drinking a lot, or if it was something worse. I now believe he has a serious problem and feel that it could very possibly take over his life (or already has). Looking back, he's always been on the fringe and had lots of legal issues starting in 7th grade, but I don't believe he started drinking heavily until his sophomore year of high school (but that's just what he tells me).
Piling onto his problem is that he feels disconnected and alone in our family (whether real or imagined, this is how he says he feels). Our parents got divorced when we were young (he was 3) and my dad remarried quickly, moving a wife and two boys to live with him. I soon replaced my little brother as my 'go-to' playmate with a stepbrother closer to my age (and incidentally, gay, which made it like having a sister!). Regardless, I can't think back without crying because in my heart I know that the way he felt in those formative years adds to his grief now. I hate myself for it.
And now...it seems like discussions and talks won't work. From what I know about recovery, the onus lies in the hands of the addicted. My question to this community is what or who helped you to realize your problem was real? I need to talk with him, but I don't know what kind of language to use, what kinds of things to say, what kinds of things are meaningful and 'hit home'. I know that it's probably different for everyone, but I am at such a loss for words or action that I can't stand it. It's all I can think about.
At this point in his young life he's cost my parents close to $12,000 (not including the current charges) and they've even made him pay most of his own fines (he has had intermittent jobs, but they don't last long). He quits his jobs because he doesn't like them, and then goes on a binge. He's been to jail 4 times for 30 days or more, and has been arrested on charges of DUI, MIP, possession, breaking and entering (a household), resisting arrest, fleeing and evading, grand-theft building, destruction of property, destruction of federal property (a mailbox), and various others that go along with those that were bartered down: and all of these came about when he was drinking. Probably was high too, but can't be sure. In high school he was expelled for selling an illegal knife to another student, got caught with pot 3 times in school, and was arrested once for dealing (but this was before he was 18).
And I know everyone probably says this, but he is the sweetest kid. All he wants in life is to have a beautiful wife and beautiful kids (he says this). I know he is trying to find himself, but clearly, he is dealing with something bigger.
Any thoughts, advice, anything, is appreciated. I feel so lost.
I should say now, that I am not the one who suffers from an addiction. It's my little brother, he's 20. And in jail, again. It was hard to tell at first when he got in 'big trouble' (a DUI right after his 18th birthday) if it was just 'kids being kids' and partying and drinking a lot, or if it was something worse. I now believe he has a serious problem and feel that it could very possibly take over his life (or already has). Looking back, he's always been on the fringe and had lots of legal issues starting in 7th grade, but I don't believe he started drinking heavily until his sophomore year of high school (but that's just what he tells me).
Piling onto his problem is that he feels disconnected and alone in our family (whether real or imagined, this is how he says he feels). Our parents got divorced when we were young (he was 3) and my dad remarried quickly, moving a wife and two boys to live with him. I soon replaced my little brother as my 'go-to' playmate with a stepbrother closer to my age (and incidentally, gay, which made it like having a sister!). Regardless, I can't think back without crying because in my heart I know that the way he felt in those formative years adds to his grief now. I hate myself for it.
And now...it seems like discussions and talks won't work. From what I know about recovery, the onus lies in the hands of the addicted. My question to this community is what or who helped you to realize your problem was real? I need to talk with him, but I don't know what kind of language to use, what kinds of things to say, what kinds of things are meaningful and 'hit home'. I know that it's probably different for everyone, but I am at such a loss for words or action that I can't stand it. It's all I can think about.
At this point in his young life he's cost my parents close to $12,000 (not including the current charges) and they've even made him pay most of his own fines (he has had intermittent jobs, but they don't last long). He quits his jobs because he doesn't like them, and then goes on a binge. He's been to jail 4 times for 30 days or more, and has been arrested on charges of DUI, MIP, possession, breaking and entering (a household), resisting arrest, fleeing and evading, grand-theft building, destruction of property, destruction of federal property (a mailbox), and various others that go along with those that were bartered down: and all of these came about when he was drinking. Probably was high too, but can't be sure. In high school he was expelled for selling an illegal knife to another student, got caught with pot 3 times in school, and was arrested once for dealing (but this was before he was 18).
And I know everyone probably says this, but he is the sweetest kid. All he wants in life is to have a beautiful wife and beautiful kids (he says this). I know he is trying to find himself, but clearly, he is dealing with something bigger.
Any thoughts, advice, anything, is appreciated. I feel so lost.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by dowonders 
And now...it seems like discussions and talks won't work. From what I know about recovery, the onus lies in the hands of the addicted. My question to this community is what or who helped you to realize your problem was real? I need to talk with him, but I don't know what kind of language to use, what kinds of things to say, what kinds of things are meaningful and 'hit home'. I know that it's probably different for everyone, but I am at such a loss for words or action that I can't stand it. It's all I can think about.
Having said that, I don't think your goal should be to figure out what you should say that will "hit home" or help him realize that his problem is real...it's likely he already does know - at least on some level - that he has a serious problem and that his life needs some dramatic changes.
I think you would serve him best by simply loving him, being available to listen to him, and letting him come to you if he wishes to...giving him unsolicited advice is likely to come across as lecturing and might cause him to put up a wall between you that will prevent you from being able to help him in the future.
Just my opinion. Best of luck to you and your brother...keep us posted on how things go for both of you.
Stephanie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
I guess my question is, how does he feel? You show obvious concern for him, and I understand that. You want more than anything to help him, and I understand that. He is the sweetest guy, I believe that. However, until he is ready to take steps to help himself, there isn't much you can do for him.
You and your parents are going to have to be tough with him. No bailing him out, no paying his way. That only allows him to continue without feeling the full consequences of his actions. He has to find his low, his bottom, in order to decide to help himself.
You and your parents are going to have to be tough with him. No bailing him out, no paying his way. That only allows him to continue without feeling the full consequences of his actions. He has to find his low, his bottom, in order to decide to help himself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 52
Hi,
I didn't want to read without commenting. I do not know if I can answer your question from the right perspective. I will say that my awakening came at work. It spilled over from there and I knew I wanted to rebuild my life.
I've never been in jail or had any other negative consequences. It was a personal choice to stop taking xanax.
You might try reading some threads on the family forum.
My best,
I didn't want to read without commenting. I do not know if I can answer your question from the right perspective. I will say that my awakening came at work. It spilled over from there and I knew I wanted to rebuild my life.
I've never been in jail or had any other negative consequences. It was a personal choice to stop taking xanax.
You might try reading some threads on the family forum.
My best,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi and Welcome!
I second the part about reading in the friends and family forum.
I will say that for me, I know part of my abuse of alcohol stemmed from a desire to get attention from my family (hey it never worked) I don't know what I would have done had it worked.
I am not a subscriber to the theory that a person must hit rock bottom to get help, or that others can't help them get better, but I think each person is highly individual and that every approach needs to be individual.
Any chance he can see a counselor...someone who knows how to handle these types of problems? Will he consider rehab?
I second the part about reading in the friends and family forum.
I will say that for me, I know part of my abuse of alcohol stemmed from a desire to get attention from my family (hey it never worked) I don't know what I would have done had it worked.
I am not a subscriber to the theory that a person must hit rock bottom to get help, or that others can't help them get better, but I think each person is highly individual and that every approach needs to be individual.
Any chance he can see a counselor...someone who knows how to handle these types of problems? Will he consider rehab?
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Dow. I'm sorry you're aching for your brother right now. You mention you are older and I think that's important. I know in my family my older sibling sort of acted as a "substitute parent" for me somewhat and I resented that tremendously, since she was only a few years older and it never seemed fair that she felt she had the authority to tell me how to live. (Now I see this as a larger problem with the family dynamic and understand that she knows no other way to act.) Anyway, the sibling thing is tricky in my experience, especially if your brother feels alienated.
I agree with what others are saying--be there for your brother if he wants to talk. Let him know it's okay that he is struggling and that he doesn't need to defend himself. Love him enough so that if the opportunity arises, he will understand you want him to change because you believe he is GOOD, not because you believe he is BAD. Yes, he will ultimately need to decide for himself . . . and if he is like me, he will need to feel like he is making the choice for himself.
Speak to him about everything . . . and then hopefully he will trust you enough to talk about the drinking and drug use. Let him know your own imperfections so he can see you as a kindred spirit, not an authority figure. I'm not an expert . . . this is just my experience.
Sorry to hear you are going through all this. It is so painful when the people we love are hurting and there's little we can do about it.
I agree with what others are saying--be there for your brother if he wants to talk. Let him know it's okay that he is struggling and that he doesn't need to defend himself. Love him enough so that if the opportunity arises, he will understand you want him to change because you believe he is GOOD, not because you believe he is BAD. Yes, he will ultimately need to decide for himself . . . and if he is like me, he will need to feel like he is making the choice for himself.
Speak to him about everything . . . and then hopefully he will trust you enough to talk about the drinking and drug use. Let him know your own imperfections so he can see you as a kindred spirit, not an authority figure. I'm not an expert . . . this is just my experience.
Sorry to hear you are going through all this. It is so painful when the people we love are hurting and there's little we can do about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Prayers for you and your family dowonders 
I can only speak about my experience - if any family members/friends had tried to get me to stop drinking, I would have cut them out of my life. Or barring that, promised to slow down, then hid my drinking better.
I've also met folks that were forced into rehab/AA and that turned out to be their turning point toward a sober life.
Welcome to SR.
I can only speak about my experience - if any family members/friends had tried to get me to stop drinking, I would have cut them out of my life. Or barring that, promised to slow down, then hid my drinking better.
I've also met folks that were forced into rehab/AA and that turned out to be their turning point toward a sober life.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by dowonders
T
All he wants in life is to have a beautiful wife and beautiful kids (he says this). I know he is trying to find himself, but clearly, he is dealing with something bigger.
All he wants in life is to have a beautiful wife and beautiful kids (he says this). I know he is trying to find himself, but clearly, he is dealing with something bigger.
W.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to SR!
Please do check out the friends and families forum for lots of support and good advice from people in a similar situation.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please do check out the friends and families forum for lots of support and good advice from people in a similar situation.Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi dowonders
I'm sorry for your situation. It must be hard to stand by.
The fact is, I wasn't done until I decided I didn't want to live that way anymore, and nothing anyone said or did made any difference to me until I reached that point myself.
I wasn't that I was doing anything on purpose - to seek the solution I had to first agree I was in serious irreversible trouble and that took a long time.
I hope your brother gets it soon - and I hope you'll visit our family and friends section - it's important for you to look after yourself in all of this - and to realise it's not your fault.
Welcome aboard
D
I'm sorry for your situation. It must be hard to stand by.
The fact is, I wasn't done until I decided I didn't want to live that way anymore, and nothing anyone said or did made any difference to me until I reached that point myself.
I wasn't that I was doing anything on purpose - to seek the solution I had to first agree I was in serious irreversible trouble and that took a long time.
I hope your brother gets it soon - and I hope you'll visit our family and friends section - it's important for you to look after yourself in all of this - and to realise it's not your fault.
Welcome aboard
D
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