JulesWinnfield

Hello everybody, I'm new, and just learning about detachment, but having a little difficulty grasping the concept: do I re-attach when my AW is sober? Or do I stay detached 24/7? Any examples provided would be greatly appreciated.

thanks

Ann

Welcome Jules.

For me, detachment means letting go of my obsession to control. If I can accept someone as they are, and not try to manipulate what they "should" do or how they should do it, then I know I have been successful.

If I cannot, then I need to step back and look at why I am so obsessed with controlling the outcome. And that part is about me, not them.

Hugs

sojourner

Great question. Detachment is not necessarily a physical thing. It can be an emotional thing. So my example would be when I tell my son that he will live in poverty as long as he chooses drugs and alcohol, I then detach from his response back to me (anger, guilt, accusing me of making a big deal of out using drugs/alcohol, etc.). I stay silent and do not respond at all, and I also do not seethe inside from what he says.

Detachment requires that you do your homework about what chemicals (drugs and alcohol) do to the brain, and how that chemically-changed brain then responds to the outside world. That kind of knowledge will answer many questions that you have right now.

Whether you detach physically, emotionally, or both - the main reason for detachment is that you do not get sucked into the tornado of your loved ones addiction. That's the overview of detachment. Detachment is done for your benefit, and many times our addicted loved ones also benefit from our having done that (although it may take years to see that).

Hope that helps.

outtolunch

This is a keeper. Thank you, Ann.

Angelic17

Welcome Jules, I think that this is a great question. I had a very hard time detaching from my addict son. To be honest, I don't think I have detached yet. But, I understand that it is the right thing to do. Ann, Sojourner and a few others on this site have explained it perfectly. OK, so my answer to your question about re-attachment would be yes. Good behavior and doing the right things, should be rewarded. Addicts have a very hard time giving up their drink or drug. So, if your wife is doing just that, a little love and praise can't hurt. It might inspire her to do better. Regardless if the addict is using or not, they are still human beings, that deserve to be loved and cared for. In my opinion love heals. Thanks for posting this. I hope your wife gets well.

Kindeyes

Really good question. For me detaching means breaking the chain of action/reaction. It's something I have to work on.....it doesn't come easy for me. My goal is to control my reactions since I have no control over my AS's actions.

gentle hugs

EJG123

Good question. Personally, I don't think that I will ever be able to "re-attach" to my AD like it was before her addiction.

JulesWinnfield

I've rethought this question, time always makes me smarter - do I act normally towards my AW while she's sober? (she is in rehab

JulesWinnfield

more better - do I detach from her or her disease?

keepinon

Your relationship will surely change if she is in recovery. Alot of "stuff" can come up once she is not numbing out. You will both have to work on your realtionship together. She will also be working her recovery (presumably in AA or NA). You will also be working your recovery (presumabbly in Al or Nar anon). Your recoveries are seperate, but your relationship needs to also be worked on together..I would definately suggest having a therapist for that..one who specializes in addiction would be nice. You are detaching from any outcomes..if she relapses, how much she works her program, etc.Not detaching from having a relationship.Does that make sense?It's a hard concept..detaching with love is even harder!

Angelic17

That's great news to hear that your wife is in Rehab. That means she realizes that she has an addiction problem, and is willing to do what it takes to change that. Or at least to stop drinking. I know that you can't fix or cure addiction. But you can arrest it, if you have the support, and the desire to stop. She seems to want to stop. If she is in Rehab.
Stick by your wife in this tough time. She is going through a hard time right now, and needs her family to be there for her. Then again, I don't know how much pain and suffering she has put you and the famiy through, so it's not for me to say. I believe every addict deserves another chance. Relapse is part of addiction, and if we don't give up on them, we just might see the miracle. Hang in there. Better days are ahead.

newnormal4me

I don't mean to hijack this thread, so accept my apologies! But this is something I haven't figured out myself and couple of the comments here I need to ask about.

Angelic, you said "Good behavior and doing the right things, should be rewarded." In my context my AH has not admitted to a problem, and never has done rehab or anything, but this is something that I believe has caused me a GREAT deal of pain over these fews years...my AH will from time to time "try" to do better, or rather not use for a bit. In the past, during these times I would be right there for him, give him praise, etc. But it (his "trying") would only last for a few days, a week plus at best. I would make an effort to be loving and nice when he was trying and basically put my heart back out there - then he uses again and I get trampled over and over again. I have since shut down completely from this - as this type of cycle has caused me to be in a flip flop mode - my reactions and emotions totally dependent on how he was "doing" at the moment. This has not been good for me at all. I sort of get what you are saying, but I don't think it has done me any good to go through this over and over again. Are you meaning if they are seeking rehab and doing good? Just trying to wrap my brain around this!

Keepinon you said "Not detaching from having a relationship". Can you explain this because I have not experienced this for myself and maybe I'm not really detaching then? To find a comfortable place for myself in his chaos, I "distance" myself from him and essentially the "relationship" part becomes non-existant. I thought I was detaching? I guess I don't see how a relationship can really exist along side detachment? When I have detached from his chaos he sees it as being uncaring, etc.

Sorry you all, I admit, I find this concept (detachment) very hard for me. Maybe I am completely missing the boat on this one!

Chino

Detaching means not taking other people's issues personally. It means having my own identity, journey, and remembering other people get to have theirs, too. Detaching means nurturing and sustaining interdependent relationships instead of clinging to codependent, dysfunctional ones.

Babyblue

Detachment is a tough one for me.. I'm an emotional barnacle by nature. So I see it as not taking things too personally and not having unrealistic expectations.

An example: A loved one became hospitalized, I wanted to turn to him because sober him is so supportive and compassionate but he was nowhere to be found on account of he was on a pretty bad bender. So I didn't try to track him down. I know he just didn't have the capacity (at the time) to be there for me. Sober he would have. Binging and in a fog, no way. I let it go. I put him in the back of my mind so that I could focus on my own stress with having a loved one in the hospital. He could have been in south america for all I cared, I didn't have time for his drama. I needed to focus on my life. I detached.

Live

and to the OP...detachment isn't a reward and punishment system.

It is a tool for taking care of ourselves wisely.

Angelic17

Angelstory, I totally understand where your coming from. I too have gone through the exact same struggle with my son. I would see he was trying, I would reward him, or encourage him, and then a couple of days later he was at it again. Like I said, addiction and relapse go hand in hand for whatever reason. I learned to understand the addict, and the way the brain works. There is alot of ups and downs when addiction is involved.

The answer to your question is Yes. If the addict is in rehab, and working on recovery, they deserve the support. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance. But, that's just my opinion. I'm sure other people don't feel the same way.

Another chance is good if they are trying, and doing what they should do to stop using. Unless its been the same thing over and over with the addict. There is only so much a person can take. Like you and me. I have pretty much reached that point with my son. I had to let go, or be dragged. I was dragged around for over 3 years.

My common sense tells me not to reward a person, for the behavior they are supposed to have. But, addicts don't have normal rational behavior. They are scheming, and conniving to continue to feed their addiction. This thread might be very good for you Angelstory. It's about detaching from the addict. For me, detaching means to back off from trying to control the addicts use of drugs or drinking. Or to just stop be affected by what the addict is doing. It's about giving up any sort of control, and letting go. It's about self preservation, and survival of our own health and sanity. The truth is regardless of what we do, to help change that persons behavior, WE ARE POWELESS over another persons actions. I will be the first to admit, I have not been able to detach from my son. He is my only child, and my heart.

However, this site has helped me to understand that it's time to detach now. My sons addiction broke my heart, and left me very sick and troubled. I didn't eat or sleep for almost 3 years from worry. I had family and friends worried that I wasn't going to make it through. I will no longer help my son with money, or anything if he chooses to use drugs. I say that now, but if he should go back out, I don't know what I would do if he was in need. I know what I should do to help him to learn and grow, and that's absolutely nothing. I have done so much already. I'm sorry that your husbands addiction has caused you so much hurt and pain. I understand that, because I have gone through it too. Sorry about the long explanation on this thread of detachment.

keepinon

[QUOTE=Babyblue;2742815].. I'm an emotional barnacle by nature.


Sorry, but I am totally stealing this!!!

JulesWinnfield

Thanks for all the help, I think I've got it figured out. Detachment is a tricky, complex concept. But it's well worth it.

coffeedrinker

this has gotta be the most challenging recovery behavior, for kinds like us.

i think you understand it in layers, as it is complex.

detachment is a way to be, during all times in the relationship. if it's in relationship to the addict and the addict's behavior, it seems like you would "re-attach" when they are doing the right things. but i think others said it well: not trying to control the outcome, not getting in the other person's business, and having your own identity and taking care of yourself.

another word for A-ttaching might be "enmeshment". We can feel as though we are so into the other person, so connected, like we are a part of each other, or an extension of each other. this is a part of what our pop culture says romantic love is. but it's an illusion, and unhealthy.

personally i don't think i can be in an intimate relationship, feeding one another and the relationship in healthy ways, and be satisfied, in the midst of active addiction. the basic components of trust, honest connection, and respect are simply missing. detachment then becomes necessary, but so much is not right with the relationship. when in a healthier relationship, detachment takes on a new appearance. and it is much easier. it then feels good to be together but separate.