steve1840

i have been doing better in allowing her do do her own thing. i have not totally detached, but i am making progress. my question today is, once you start to get in a better place, how do you know when to take the call or pick them up when they say they want help? i do not want to feel like i did the wrong thing by not "being there." what if the time i do not help, it is a real emergency? has anyone dealt with these feelings?

suki44883

You don't. If she truly wants help, she will get help without any assistance from you.

nodaybut2day

Where do you get the impression that you are equipped to deal with "a real emergency", if that were TRULY the case? IMO, she's burned her bridges with you many times over and there should be consequences to that choice.

steve1840

maybe i worded that wrong. by real emergency i meant like she gets stranded somewhere and has that moment of clarity where she wants to go to detox but is like 15 miles from home in the middle of the night with no car or money for a ride.

that may be extreme, but is along hte lines of what i mean. are there times t ostep in and help wit hanything?

Ann

For an emergency, I call 911.

If she wants to go to detox, she will find a way there...I promise you that.

When do you decide that having some peace in your life is an emergency for you? I say that because I was one real mess by the time I realized I was in worse trouble than my addicted son. I was falling apart, having night terrors, couldn't sleep, couldn't think...just a raging codependent who needed help fast. And I didn't abuse any substance, just myself.

If we can't take care of ourselves, why is it we feel we can take care of anyone else? Rhetorical question worth pondering.

Hugs

steve1840

cynical one-
she says that she needs to talk to someone about it, like a counsellor or therapist, that it bothers her and scares her. and she recognizes that it is messed up that she still goes out there for drugs and money, that even that was not enough to put the brakes on.

ann-
i have been finally seeing the mess that is my life these days. and i feel so close to stepping outside of that and back into my normallacy. but to be honest, i don't know when i find restoring my peace to be an emergency. i fear that i will just keep lettingthings build and build until i become a heap of reseantment and ill feelings toward her, but that is not healthy for either of us, so i guess i haveto keep trying hour by hour if thats what it takes.

outtolunch

Is she a child?

Are you her legal guardian?

What's with "allowing her"?

She is going to do her own thing, whatever that is, with or without your approval.

DaisyBuchanan

Sometimes we become addicted to helping them.

Seren

Hi Steve! Sorry to hear that you are still so addicted to her. You will be done when you are done and probably not a minute sooner. Gentle hugs to you! The pain will end when you let it go......

Hugs and prayers, HG

xflip227x

Very well said HydroGirl...I'm in a similar situation to steve, but I guess still early on in the process, where I don't know where to draw the line or where the line is already drawn...

Babyblue

Steve,
You need to work on the obsessive thoughts you have of her. It isn't allowing you to take care of yourself and you are still treating her like she is some type of delicate flower. Im sorry but my ABF was out in the streets, I was sad but did nothing. Everything for him was an emergency. His whole relapse was one big emergency but I am not his mom. You are not her parent Steve. You cannot protect or save her from herself. It pains me to see you go in circles about her. When did I know to take his call/help him out? I took his calls but didn't lift a finger to help him. I just listened and was emotionally supportive but that is it. I would have never had gone out there to help him. I already have a child, I don't need another one.

I've said this before to ya Steve and that is, if you continue to worry and help her in anyway, I can guarantee that when/if she gets clean she will distance herself from you because she will see you as a potential enabler and as a reminder of her using days. I know that as true as I'm typing this. If that is the risk you want to take then go ahead but if you want her healthy and in your life then you need to stop and live your life without her for the time being.

bb

lostparent

Steve earlier you posted on another thread to xflip...if possible try reading what you wrote as if you were reading something someone else wrote. What advice would you give that person? Take care of yourself..

Lizzaayy

i see this, too. he mentioned how he bought drugs for her and let her stay with him, and all of that.
in all actuality, yes, she may not want you around after she's sober.
which is HER descision. and i don't think she'll call YOU when she decides to get help. she'll get a hold of professionals for that.

tam

flip that around steve, emergency? are they there for us in an emergency? what if you are stranded? what if you have a medical emergency? every time I think about my ah might have a heart attack, die, go to detox, ER, whatever I then think
well, what about me? where are they for us? do they call us to see how we are? can we depend on them for help for emergency? support? NOPE. and when they do contact us what is the motive? do they care about us? they only care about their drug,not us, and that certainly isnt what I am looking for in a friendship, lover, husband, co worker or family member or whatever.

treadingwater

Definitely 911 if it is a TRUE emergency, otherwise they will survive.

I need to drum that home with my own, soon to be 22 year old, son. He has in the past driven himself to the emergency room.
Have them put 911 in their speed dial if necessary.

It's scary the crapola we all have to deal with.
Being a mom I don't think I can ever totally detach. I'm trying but even detaching is killing me. A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD for now.