Life Flashing Before Eyes, Memory, Obsessing
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Life Flashing Before Eyes, Memory, Obsessing
This has been on my mind for months, so I am finally going to throw the question out there and see what it means to other people.
I've been finding that memories from years ago keep popping into my mind. Just about any time, anywhere - in front of the TV, while cleaning up the kitchen, while walking through the neighborhood. In fact, I have noticed the same recollection will pop into my head at the same spot.
I've considered this to have its roots in fear or regret. I say that because the central focus in the returned memories is usually the period just before I turned into an everyday drinker. That was also an exciting time of change - not in a rags to riches sense, but there was a sense of accomplishment that was gradually starting to mean a lot to me at that point.
But that doesn't mean there is always a particular emotion associated with the memory. And I also started having this before I quit drinking. I guess I would say it started around a year prior and became more and more frequent. The momentum is just about every day now.
I guess I am wondering whether this is necessarily related to the rather big change in my life (quitting drinking). When I quit, it wasn't something I plotted consciously, but I tend to believe I was moving toward that step for a few months without realizing it. I used to say that my brain was in autopilot, venturing to save the life of the body which hosts it, despite the conscious being ("me") that animates it. And I took some steps toward a change in work and there was a scary freedom to that. Then I acted on quitting drinking pretty quickly and just did it, with no huge debates and restarts during and after Day One, like I would have expected of me. (The rest is history and I am at 11 months today.) I've also been fairly obsessive about getting older, and some of the usual male midlife crisis stuff you hear about.
The odd time, the flashback scenes flip through in double-time while I am out walking, almost one memory/epoch per 3 steps.
Do other people remember having this? Was it part of the journey away from drinking? Or does this sound specific to my own psychological journey, with all its baggage and issues, irrespective of the alcoholic part?
I've been finding that memories from years ago keep popping into my mind. Just about any time, anywhere - in front of the TV, while cleaning up the kitchen, while walking through the neighborhood. In fact, I have noticed the same recollection will pop into my head at the same spot.
I've considered this to have its roots in fear or regret. I say that because the central focus in the returned memories is usually the period just before I turned into an everyday drinker. That was also an exciting time of change - not in a rags to riches sense, but there was a sense of accomplishment that was gradually starting to mean a lot to me at that point.
But that doesn't mean there is always a particular emotion associated with the memory. And I also started having this before I quit drinking. I guess I would say it started around a year prior and became more and more frequent. The momentum is just about every day now.
I guess I am wondering whether this is necessarily related to the rather big change in my life (quitting drinking). When I quit, it wasn't something I plotted consciously, but I tend to believe I was moving toward that step for a few months without realizing it. I used to say that my brain was in autopilot, venturing to save the life of the body which hosts it, despite the conscious being ("me") that animates it. And I took some steps toward a change in work and there was a scary freedom to that. Then I acted on quitting drinking pretty quickly and just did it, with no huge debates and restarts during and after Day One, like I would have expected of me. (The rest is history and I am at 11 months today.) I've also been fairly obsessive about getting older, and some of the usual male midlife crisis stuff you hear about.
The odd time, the flashback scenes flip through in double-time while I am out walking, almost one memory/epoch per 3 steps.
Do other people remember having this? Was it part of the journey away from drinking? Or does this sound specific to my own psychological journey, with all its baggage and issues, irrespective of the alcoholic part?
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I have been having a similar (but not identical) thing going on.
It reminds me of the flashbacks I got when I had my first baby. There is something in psychology they call 'ghosts in the nursery'. It's those things from your past (proverbial ghosts) that interfere with your relationship with your child.
Sobriety to me does feel like a kind of birth and I am being haunted a little by some things (childhood, early adulthood flashbacks). I try to let them wash over me.
I finally talked to my husband the other night and shared with him what's been going on (namely my committement to sobriety, forever). Suddenly I couldn't stop crying. It was like a tidal wave. All I could get out was "I'm so sad for her. I'm so sad for her". Finally letting myself grieve for the years I was drowning in alcohol.
My flashbacks have eased up a little since then.
It reminds me of the flashbacks I got when I had my first baby. There is something in psychology they call 'ghosts in the nursery'. It's those things from your past (proverbial ghosts) that interfere with your relationship with your child.
Sobriety to me does feel like a kind of birth and I am being haunted a little by some things (childhood, early adulthood flashbacks). I try to let them wash over me.
I finally talked to my husband the other night and shared with him what's been going on (namely my committement to sobriety, forever). Suddenly I couldn't stop crying. It was like a tidal wave. All I could get out was "I'm so sad for her. I'm so sad for her". Finally letting myself grieve for the years I was drowning in alcohol.
My flashbacks have eased up a little since then.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by Toronto68 
This has been on my mind for months, so I am finally going to throw the question out there and see what it means to other people.
I've been finding that memories from years ago keep popping into my mind. Just about any time, anywhere - in front of the TV, while cleaning up the kitchen, while walking through the neighborhood. In fact, I have noticed the same recollection will pop into my head at the same spot.
I've considered this to have its roots in fear or regret. I say that because the central focus in the returned memories is usually the period just before I turned into an everyday drinker. That was also an exciting time of change - not in a rags to riches sense, but there was a sense of accomplishment that was gradually starting to mean a lot to me at that point.
But that doesn't mean there is always a particular emotion associated with the memory. And I also started having this before I quit drinking. I guess I would say it started around a year prior and became more and more frequent. The momentum is just about every day now.
I guess I am wondering whether this is necessarily related to the rather big change in my life (quitting drinking). When I quit, it wasn't something I plotted consciously, but I tend to believe I was moving toward that step for a few months without realizing it. I used to say that my brain was in autopilot, venturing to save the life of the body which hosts it, despite the conscious being ("me") that animates it. And I took some steps toward a change in work and there was a scary freedom to that. Then I acted on quitting drinking pretty quickly and just did it, with no huge debates and restarts during and after Day One, like I would have expected of me. (The rest is history and I am at 11 months today.) I've also been fairly obsessive about getting older, and some of the usual male midlife crisis stuff you hear about.
The odd time, the flashback scenes flip through in double-time while I am out walking, almost one memory/epoch per 3 steps.
Do other people remember having this? Was it part of the journey away from drinking? Or does this sound specific to my own psychological journey, with all its baggage and issues, irrespective of the alcoholic part?
I've been finding that memories from years ago keep popping into my mind. Just about any time, anywhere - in front of the TV, while cleaning up the kitchen, while walking through the neighborhood. In fact, I have noticed the same recollection will pop into my head at the same spot.
I've considered this to have its roots in fear or regret. I say that because the central focus in the returned memories is usually the period just before I turned into an everyday drinker. That was also an exciting time of change - not in a rags to riches sense, but there was a sense of accomplishment that was gradually starting to mean a lot to me at that point.
But that doesn't mean there is always a particular emotion associated with the memory. And I also started having this before I quit drinking. I guess I would say it started around a year prior and became more and more frequent. The momentum is just about every day now.
I guess I am wondering whether this is necessarily related to the rather big change in my life (quitting drinking). When I quit, it wasn't something I plotted consciously, but I tend to believe I was moving toward that step for a few months without realizing it. I used to say that my brain was in autopilot, venturing to save the life of the body which hosts it, despite the conscious being ("me") that animates it. And I took some steps toward a change in work and there was a scary freedom to that. Then I acted on quitting drinking pretty quickly and just did it, with no huge debates and restarts during and after Day One, like I would have expected of me. (The rest is history and I am at 11 months today.) I've also been fairly obsessive about getting older, and some of the usual male midlife crisis stuff you hear about.
The odd time, the flashback scenes flip through in double-time while I am out walking, almost one memory/epoch per 3 steps.
Do other people remember having this? Was it part of the journey away from drinking? Or does this sound specific to my own psychological journey, with all its baggage and issues, irrespective of the alcoholic part?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I had lots of flashbacks during my first year of recovery, often it was rather scary. I attributed it to "the fog clearing". I had always said I had a terrible memory there were decades of my life that I had no memory of, apparently the alcohol was what was blocking most of them and obliterated some; there are still years that I have no recollection of (when my daughter was a toddler even though I wasn't a daily drinker then).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Thanks, everybody.
I don't think I understand any better, for the moment, but it does feel better that other people have wondered about this. I can chalk it up to adjustment when I consider a year's length of time is not a lot when you put it next to about 15 years of recognizably alcoholic drinking.
One of the things I keep telling myself is that I probably gravitate toward that period from 15 years ago because of the ease with which I could get up and relocate and call up tons of energy, gumption.... There was a girl back then too - [GASP!] - the final chapter to a relationship that had to end, and the friendship had to end after that too for her sake (she was getting involved with somebody she would eventually marry). Maybe that is a whole dimension all on its own. I'd just sealed up a different relationship with someone else too, years after that one had ended.
I hadn't faced a couple of bereavement issues yet either. This was a period when I had an opportunity to visit my mother, who was locked up in a home, and didn't. I'm still ashamed of that somewhat, but this haunting thing is more self-oriented than that (it's about me), as if that isn't obvious.
SSIL, I think I know what you mean, especially once you talk about the tidal wave. I feel like there needs to be one hitting the sand and it's like I have been ducking in advance.
I have odd memories from earlier times (high school and younger) too, but the period when I was 26, 27 just keeps following me around like a shadow.
Unless something else is repressed, I guess I am just SCARED to be free and the past looks like something to snuggle up to - and a fairly brave period of my life looks so much more admirable than now.
I tell myself it's not healthy to think that way, voluntarily or not. I have to keep stepping forward and not retreating. That's what I think I should try to do. (Like I did 15 years ago, only without drinking this time.)
I don't think I understand any better, for the moment, but it does feel better that other people have wondered about this. I can chalk it up to adjustment when I consider a year's length of time is not a lot when you put it next to about 15 years of recognizably alcoholic drinking.
One of the things I keep telling myself is that I probably gravitate toward that period from 15 years ago because of the ease with which I could get up and relocate and call up tons of energy, gumption.... There was a girl back then too - [GASP!] - the final chapter to a relationship that had to end, and the friendship had to end after that too for her sake (she was getting involved with somebody she would eventually marry). Maybe that is a whole dimension all on its own. I'd just sealed up a different relationship with someone else too, years after that one had ended.
I hadn't faced a couple of bereavement issues yet either. This was a period when I had an opportunity to visit my mother, who was locked up in a home, and didn't. I'm still ashamed of that somewhat, but this haunting thing is more self-oriented than that (it's about me), as if that isn't obvious.
SSIL, I think I know what you mean, especially once you talk about the tidal wave. I feel like there needs to be one hitting the sand and it's like I have been ducking in advance.
I have odd memories from earlier times (high school and younger) too, but the period when I was 26, 27 just keeps following me around like a shadow.Unless something else is repressed, I guess I am just SCARED to be free and the past looks like something to snuggle up to - and a fairly brave period of my life looks so much more admirable than now.
I tell myself it's not healthy to think that way, voluntarily or not. I have to keep stepping forward and not retreating. That's what I think I should try to do. (Like I did 15 years ago, only without drinking this time.)
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Maybe you're just being handed the stuff your HP thinks you can handle properly now that you are not handling it with alcohol? Maybe it's time to process these things and learn from them? I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I am getting handed stuff just when I feel I can handle it properly once I've gotten sober.
Oh yeah, and this:"I have odd memories from earlier times (high school and younger) too, but the period when I was 26, 27 just keeps following me around like a shadow." Man, I was hit hard with that a few months ago when the drummer from a band I was in when I was 25-27y-o showed up at a meeting. It was like my old forgotten part of my self showed up and walked around with me for awhile through my current life then disappeared again. I am not sure what to make of it but I feel like some sort of peace was made.
Oh yeah, and this:"I have odd memories from earlier times (high school and younger) too, but the period when I was 26, 27 just keeps following me around like a shadow." Man, I was hit hard with that a few months ago when the drummer from a band I was in when I was 25-27y-o showed up at a meeting. It was like my old forgotten part of my self showed up and walked around with me for awhile through my current life then disappeared again. I am not sure what to make of it but I feel like some sort of peace was made.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
I have the same thing going on. Even now, at alomst 10 months sober, I did have all these memories popping into my mind. From mostly from between ages 13 and 27-the years I was drinking and using etc. is where the memories are sourced. I have always had a very active thinking mind, which has been both a curse and a blessing. Sometimes it seems like I cant stop thinking about all kinds of things, be it irrelevant things, stuff from the past I am proud of, but mostly things from the past I regret. Its strange, because most of the thoughts I have dealt with and reconciled internally, and externally where necessary. So, often I wonder, why does this keep reminding me? I try to think of it positively and use them as reminders of where I am today, and how to look at things going forward.
I dont know how common this is, just saying that I have the same thing going on. The good thing is, I am at peace with the thoughts because I know my life has changed for the better. The good things in the past, I am grateful for. The bad things in the past, well, I have changed for the better and am on a "one day at a time" continual change for the rest of my life.
All the best
I dont know how common this is, just saying that I have the same thing going on. The good thing is, I am at peace with the thoughts because I know my life has changed for the better. The good things in the past, I am grateful for. The bad things in the past, well, I have changed for the better and am on a "one day at a time" continual change for the rest of my life.
All the best
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
I have flashbacks of things I've done when drinking and arguments with people close to me.. I always thought it was because I hadn't forgiven myself yet. Once I can forgive myself for the terrible behavior and the wrong doing in the past, then I can move on and find happier memories.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey man. Thanks for sharing, I always enjoy reading your take on things and find it interesting to hear you talking about this stuff. I know that before I was in recovery and when I was going through a terribly depressed phase at 21 then i used to cling to old memories of happy times when I was 14/15 and on holiday with my parents and little sister. I had some great times then and incidentally used to really enjoy drinking at the pub with my dad by the beach. I think they feel a tad guilty for buying me boooze at that age but i tell them not to as I loved it at the time and have such happy memories of those times laughing and joking around and running into the sea without a care in the world! I was so happy at that time in my life and used to cling to those old memories when I was in such terribly low states of mind.
I occassionally get flashbacks at things that I've done but to be honest then most of drinking memories are extremely sketchy as it's the nature of my drinking that I didn;t really remember anything concrete but only the initial euphoric recall. Drug memories are different but I don't feel anything anymore as I am just calm and acceptant. I am grateful for that.
Thanks for sharing mate, peace
I occassionally get flashbacks at things that I've done but to be honest then most of drinking memories are extremely sketchy as it's the nature of my drinking that I didn;t really remember anything concrete but only the initial euphoric recall. Drug memories are different but I don't feel anything anymore as I am just calm and acceptant. I am grateful for that.
Thanks for sharing mate, peace
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Toronto. I've definitely had a similar thing happen, mainly for the first year after quitting. I shoved so many things down with alcohol - and they were waiting there to jump out at me when given the chance. It has all settled down now - I've analyzed these things & put them in their place as much as possible. 11 mos. is wonderful, but you're still healing & adjusting to your new life.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hmm. I didn't notice this myself. I know that I have a pretty poor memory for events in my life even before I touched a drink. I have very few memories prior to high school. I didn't find that sobering up made things better or worse.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, I know what you mean.
Lot's of events, activities, experiences.... with family, friends.... also emotions/senses/feelings.... swirling around... things that happened before the fall, maybe I never processed them properly... good, bad, indifferent... where to put them, those memories, flashes from the past?... how do I incorporate them into the ever evolving story of Mark?
Like stacks of papers, old letters, magazines all splattered on top of the desk, "I'll get to them later" ... but I never did... was it the pills? or was it just life? but, mostly a combination of both... so now I have to file them all in their proper places... sometimes in the file drawer, sometimes the circular file...
Many of these snapshots, flashbacks, I savor, thank God, some others, hmmm... I now inventory and discard or file as appropriate... still others, well.... "I'll get to them later"
Lot's of events, activities, experiences.... with family, friends.... also emotions/senses/feelings.... swirling around... things that happened before the fall, maybe I never processed them properly... good, bad, indifferent... where to put them, those memories, flashes from the past?... how do I incorporate them into the ever evolving story of Mark?
Like stacks of papers, old letters, magazines all splattered on top of the desk, "I'll get to them later" ... but I never did... was it the pills? or was it just life? but, mostly a combination of both... so now I have to file them all in their proper places... sometimes in the file drawer, sometimes the circular file...
Many of these snapshots, flashbacks, I savor, thank God, some others, hmmm... I now inventory and discard or file as appropriate... still others, well.... "I'll get to them later"
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I was told that there is a phenomenon where people actually don't remember as well what they experienced while drinking once they sober up and I don't mean blackouts, little things like Mark described that we let pile up emotionally, and in reality too real things we are now cleaning and reorganizing. That person also said that while drinking it is more difficult to remember what was experienced while sober, which of course is the whole idea of a-void-ance. The degree may be just light, or pretty intense, but now those memories may just be appearing across a-void. Just a thought.
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