kia

this is gonna be so hard to write this i think last night i was at the lowest point in my life i even went into the chat room on here to try and get some help the samaritans would of been the next had i the energy to go back down to go find the number but i couldnt even type the words out in the chat room they just wouldnt come cos i couldnt see the screen for my tears.

I suppose u will all think why didnt she just do as we said and honest answer is i still believe its cos i love him and that he loves me cos he tells me hes does he asked me to phone him yet again so i did (this other woman constantly takes the phone off him and cuts the call off even though he asks me to phone him) and he cried down the phone again saying he didnt know what to do wants her but wants me admitted shes got a childs mind and that im the better option but he pitys her i cried he said he will kill himself again i told him not be so childish and to grow up he eventually said give him 10 mins (what along time eh to deciede our whole future ) and he had alaready chose me at least half a dozen times in last few days and she changed his mind for him hes been completly controlled by her 100 per cent verbally and pyhsically as she hits him too.

So i eventually agreed to this although didnt get the why i was doing this every other time he had chosen me she had managed to change his mind for him back to her again.Gave him the 10 mins phoned him back he said u will be surprised by my decision i said not really cos i know what it is and actually he did surprise me by saying i want neither of u so i thought ermm ok so why then he said cos ive just woke her and asked her if she loved me and she said yes i do and i felt she didnt mean it and he said u have always stood by me supported me and will always do that and when u say u love me i know u actually mean it while she doesnt so i said why arent u chosing me he said cos i have to have her here till her bails up she was arrested for attacking a police car ( i know go figger eh) and has been bailed to his flat and coppers have said hes got to make sure she stays there hmm makes no sense to me either so basically ive been knocked back cos of her arrested.

So i had a go at him shouted at him but basically thought well i have no choice but the accept this and that maybe hes right maybe been on his own for a bit would be for the best but as i pointed out to him u arent on your own u still have her there so to me this looks like ive chosen her but to save me feeling guilty i shall tell u neither and keep going out with her and i said that to him.

In the meantime she woke up dunno why she was sleeping but there u go prob as drunk as him cos he was very drunk so really shouldnt listen to decisions made when he is this drunk as what do they speak when they are BS. So he told her his decison while i was still on the phone to him she went nuts could hear her shouting then phone went dead again she cut the call off again and took his phone off him.Then he typed on msn shes gone mental at him and then it went quiet for about 30 mins then he came back and said ive been told i have to tell u to f**k off and im sorry i dont really wanna do this but i have to i was like ermm wtf i said will u please stand up for yourself and say im not gonna be controlled by u but he didnt then he just kept on about dont delete me as a friend i need u blah blah i said no i need to move on with my life and good luck with yours and then i said in temper anyhow i dont love u anymore anyhow i lied and he went nuts first time in weeks i seen him do that think that was the point get me annoyed so ill delete him so it eases his guilt well i didnt so i kept saying why u bothered anyhow u have your gf why u bothered why i love u or not and he just went right off on one then ranting ive seen him like that before aint pretty then she comes on his msn telling me to f**k off he loves me now not u which is really child like isnt it shows her immaturity and i in my temper responded,shouldnt of done that really feeding the fight i was i said its up to him whether he talks to me not u and if he wants to phone me and she said i dont want u phoning him anymore and i said he asks me to and she said he wont anymore hes with me now.

So heres where i am now cried myself to sleep last night woke up this morning and thought well i have to let him go cos i been dragged with him atm and i think i know deep down we have no future of ever been able to be a couple while hes still actively drinking all i want for him atm is to be out of this very abusive relationship hes now in cos i have such a bad feeling as i did with his gf before me that shes gonna really hurt him but all i can do now is stand back and let him get on with it let him make his mistakes as is his right to do that and just try and dig my life back out from the gutter.

I cant however cut him off not the way this is going i wish i could but i do still love him but its from a long distance now as for me what do i do now to get me back cos im that far down now i dont know what way to go to come back up ive got daughters 21st coming up on tuesday so dare say that will help alot it does been with my girls but i dont seem to have any sort of thing to aim for right now any direction and am constantly broke and i miss my dog and have no way right now of putting this right even a rescue one is out of my league atm so all in all none of its good really i need help to find some focus

Kassie2

God bless you kia, sorry no was here last night when you came on - we were here most of the night until about 11pmEST-did you post a thread asking? or did you go on open chat, or pm someone or an administrator.

Do you have a phone list from alanon meetings?Can you call anytime? I know when I went through this drama I found it easier to keep my mind and emotions stable when someone was on the phone with me through it esp the worst moments.

Well, you know what works and what doesn't work. It is a process to detach - that is to let go with love and understanding. We really don't have the control we would like over the people we love only take care of ourselves. What helped me at those moments was to realize that once he has been given the options, it is up to him to "learn" what it will take to be ok for himself.

If I kept trying to do for him -I would fail - and he wouldn't learn. He actually did figure it out at some point on his own and credited me with the ability to detach - saying that my non reacting made it clearer for him that he had no reason to do what he was doing- hence he had a problem

Not that things turned out the way I wanted -and at this point I don't know what he is thinking or doing (we are no contact) but I know he has relapsed and it is a process for both of us. My focus has been to sort out me and what I want and how to move forward either way.

Let us know how today goes for you.

ala3037

Oh how my heart aches for you, I wish that I had a magic wand for all of us or a time machine. I agree with Kassie, he has to learn. They all have to learn and see the truth. I truly hate (and I never use the word hate because of how strong of a word it is) alcohol. So much pain, so much ruin, the let down. It sucks. Where is my magic wand?!?!

Stay true Kia and I'll keep checking the thread through my phone to see that all of us, including you, are coping and doing the best that we can.

chicory

Kia, honey-
I hear your pain, and I know how you are feeling- been there, too.
First off, I am so sorry for this situation. it is hard to know that we cant have a good relationship due to alcohol. sometimes, even without the alcohol, it would not be good. that is why recovery does not always put people back together again, I guess.

Please, ask yourself what you accomplish from talking to him when he is drinking. It seems to bring you much pain. Can you think of a time when talking to him while he is under the influence has helped? Do you think he may be playing games- enjoying the attention and the high he may get from feeling that two women are fighting for him. Does he care that he breaks your heart each time he" chooses you or her"? I have always heard that a person cannot love anyone if he does not love his self.

I have not heard of anyone having to be responsible for anyone on house arrest- maybe someone underage, but not adults. He could go to a shelter, maybe, and not be in this situation. He seems very unstable, and maybe the alcohol and drugs (iff he does them) is making his life a dangerous mess.

Can you step back for a while? He can do what he needs to for his self. he does not need you to protect him, and if she hits him when you call, or it starts a big drama, is he doing it for the excitement, or the drama. cant he go outside, or hide who he is talking to? sounds like games to me. and you surely do not need games. you need to heal sweetie. Each time you go to him for some "love", you are really asking for more pain and disappointment.

he is not going to help you to heal - he is going to make each night a "cry yourself to sleep" night, and do you need that? ARe you addicted to the drama? Have you called him, because you dont know what else to do with yourself right now? you need something, and try to find it from him?
I dont say this in a mean way or judgementally. i say it cause i have done these things myself in the past.

you can get so caught up in the words with a drinker. they know how to pull you in, and he tosses you a scrap and waits until you beg for another. He has nothing to offer you sweet girl. he is empty, and until he gets well, there will be only his disease to share with you. Some alcoholics can probably get recovery and maybe have a relationship too. But this fellow is not choosing good things.

You obviously want better, or you would still be with him. it is so hard to let go of the only stuff going on in your life. you can replace it with better things, tho. read recovery stuff. post here. read the stories here, to see the patterns to avoid. you seem to know what you need to do. you have to take baby steps maybe, but you gotta protect you. You are what matters here. Get out of that crazy soup pot, and take care of the little girl in you, who deserves better than this. by far.


chat is available all the time i think. you have to figure how to find the rooms, and i had a bit of trouble with that at first. you go up top of this page, and click on chat meetings, and then explore a bit, to find out how. it is good to have someone to talk to, when you feel the craving for your need to talk to him. there is more for you in this life, than to drown in the mire of that mess.

big hugs sweetie,
chicory

Tally

I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth to be honest. Notice the way all the drama starts once you tell him to get lost and block him on MSN?

He doesn't HAVE to provide a bail address for this woman. He is CHOOSING too. No one can force anyone to provide a bail address. The police won't MAKE HIM keep this woman at his flat against his will. All he has to do is get her outside and lock his door and she's gone.

He is CHOOSING to participate in this "abusive relationship", just as YOU are choosing to participate in your abusive relationship with him. It might not be physically abusive but it sure is emotionally and mentally abusive.

Why are you still putting him first Kia?

All you want is for HIM to be ok? What about YOU? Why can't you want yourself out of this abusive relationship? He's "really hurting YOU"....why does he get your sympathy, what about YOU?

You're the better "option"? How insulting!! Option...you're an option! Meaning you're a better enabler. Love isn't an "option".

He's gonna kill himself again...rather than ask this woman he hardly knows who beats him and controls him within the space of a couple of weeks...to leave his home, he would rather kill himself? I'm sorry but what BS is he feeding you? He could just ring the police and have her removed and charged with domestic assault.

Kia, I really think everything he's telling you reeks of manipulation to keep you hooked in to his drama. You shouldn't be crying for him, you should be angry that this slimeball is screwing with your life and with your emotions and preying on your good nature and low self esteem.

Live

"How do you know this is the bottom?"

I had a therapist that I was paying big bucks an hour to tell me one time:

"When we get tired enough of something, we change it, don't we?."

She really pizzed me off.

But I remember it 25 years later...and it was worth the money.
Because it is true.

And that is when we are at the bottom of something.

kia

i really need to learn how to answer multiple quotes but not sure how to do it but here goes will try and answer them.

yes i think he gets off playing us both off against each other cos i do have to wonder how much good this situation is doing her cos she does have mental issues and an age of about 12 years old in her head.U see i do know they love the dramas dont they and shes not enough drama for him.

No have never called him for the drama i rarely phone him unless he asks me too and then i only do it if hes in a state as he always seems to be right now apparently an ex wife died suddenly last week of a heart attack which seems to have rocked him but its always something and someone did say to me are u sure all of that is true and not just made up i dunno to be honest have no way of knowing as i never met her he only spoke of her to me.

I did go in the main chat room but i just couldnt get the words out was so upset and they did try to get me talk the ones in there but i just couldnt do it.

Thank u for post though it helps me im just trying to eat some food atm even thats gone wrong again too i cant eat when the washing machine tummy is going

JenT1968

(((kia love))).

I understand how difficult it is to see the woods for the trees when you are in a situation. I know how much you want it to be the way he says and for her to go and for you two to be happy ever after.

No matter how much of a nut-case (and I use the term as a card carrying nut-case my self ) you think she is, no matter how crazy she actually is, his actions are not those of a nice person, to her or you: he tells her he is finishing with her, with you on the phone, he bad-mouths her to you, (and probably therefore you to her when you're not listening).

is that a nice thing to do to two people?

it looks from here that he is playing the 2 of you against each other, you are each making the other woman in this triangle "the enemy", fighting over poor innocent him: "the prize", who pretends to both of you that the other one is a crazy nutcase who he can't leave in case you x, y, z...... he is enjoying having you fight each other over him, and is orchestrating that, stirring it all up again when one or other of you breaks free for a day or so. If he wasn't getting a buzz out of this, he would do the decent thing and let one of you go.

Have you been to your GP kia? talked this through with them, how much it is affecting you, and to see if you can get some help? I have found that to be a very empowering step, it's not about admitting defeat or failing, it's about taking control of your life again and making positive steps towards happiness.

You can make this stop hurting; it takes courage and action, and practice and hard work, but it can be done, it isn't uncurable, it doesn't have to be forever. That wasn't what I wanted to here when I first started reading here, but later on it became really important, like Live says.

The other thing I saw here that didn't hit me as a big "AHA" until YEARs after I read it was about how I had choices, how I was in charge of making the decisions, that things weren't happening to me, I got to choose the directoin of my life in the way that was best for me: even if the range of choices seemed crappy.

kia

Yes your so right as soon as i put him back on the drama funnily enough started again and it does occur to me i seem to have played this very same drama out once before with him when he went back to a different ex and it played out the same way him unable to deciede who he wanted (me thinks he just liked the attention) and then the aftermath played out the same his then ex/gf making sure he got rid of me out of his life i do know now that was another very big lie as i know now how msn works and no way could he have removed me then as he said and then 6 months down the line suddenly be able to speak to me without me having to add him to allow him to cos i had done as i said i removed him from it but i didnt block him and he never once tried to contact me i had moved on with my life i hadnt forgotten him but the hurt had gone by then it was just a very dim pain.


He has had the police remove her alot of times the last been yesterday she comes back he says even though she is told by the police not to come back which actually now i come to write it down dont make any sense does it why would they bann her from coming back to his flat then bail her to his flat god i fell for that line didnt i it was more BS christ im so stupid i went for that one eh

As for been angry that will prob come in next few days im sure i just got to thinking before none of this either with her or with me is gonna work is it while hes still drinking how can it i mean its bugging me that he might make it work with her after all with the drink and i couldnt make it work i think thats the bottom line here when i tried everything i could to make it work and nothing did then this person comes along who is the most unstable person on this planet besides him and i think what if they manage to make it work it makes me mad to think that does that make sense

kia

yes its all true he cant be the nice person he pretends to be as he when he hears me crying on the phone he says well il solve this by killing myself cos that will solve it wont it he even friday went to get the knife in front of her and cut his wrist till she took it off him and the phone and cut my call off again as if any of this is my fault. I think he tells her im causing all of this cos she even came on msn the other night and said u stop calling him and i said he asked me to as he needed to talk to me about his ex dying as he felt he couldnt talk to her. I think were both been played here for the drama factor even though i hate thinking thats the case as it makes our whole relationship a sham and that sickens me to think that.

I erm stupidly changed my doc cos the one i had wouldnt put me for counselling despite asking twice for it and now im unsure how new docs works i did call in other day but they were closed and i did wonder do i actually need counselling as was feeling much better but now ive gone back downhill again so yes i guess i do need it as the eatings off and i slept till 10 this morning which is not at all like me i will go and get an app tomorrow if i manage to get up out of bed for my aerobics class thats proving hit and miss was supposed to go this morning and didnt even wake up think it was previous night hadnt slept a wink.

Do u think he will ever change if he stopped the drinking cos i do think sober he would be devastated with what hes done to me but hes never sober these days maybe thats why cos he would have to face his own guilt and he really doesnt want to do that.

The best bit is hes meant to be in court next month hes apparently going to be taking his ex gf to court to get her jailed for things that happened two years ago and he has no proof and to get access to his kids as he wants them to visit him in his flat alone with no other adult present only him and the nutty one what are his chances of actually getting to the court with no drink in him let alone stand up against his ex who terrifies him its laughable isnt it id say hes got a cats chance in h*ll of winning that one eh ironically i would of helped him too told him this still he wanted the nutty one think he has gone insane after all

Live

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

kia

well then hes insane eh cos he is doing the same thing over and over ,maybe i am too then cos i am doing it too

Live

yeah, straight up ...you continuing to do that isn't the sanest decision/behavior.

It doesn't mean you are insane..it may (and does to me) mean that you are doing something insane.

Live

I am actually trying to show you something here with my posts..and that is how to refuse to take part in circular thinking, digressions, endless analyzing (analysis paralysis).

I am just not going to go there with you.

And just because you told me to call doesn't mean I would do it.
I wouldn't.

kia

ah is there a difference then i had no idea there was and does that mean hes insane or acting insane

Live

I didn't say one freaking thing about him, Kia.

Did you choose to ignore what I typed?
Don't answer that...that is for you to answer to yourself, as far as I am concerned.

kia

i had to read that a few times to get it live i think i do he does alot of that circular thinking hadnt thought about it before and yes he does digress all the time is that where u are going with this xx

Live

I wouldn't phone you because I don't do this kind of drama in my life and I don't have circular conversations...there is no real communication going on.

As I have said before..you can always choose to put me on ignore.

kia

im fine with it live u can say things and as they tell me in al anon i can take what i want and leave the rest so maybe some of it is going in after all eh

Live

You are also talking in circles. And digressing. And analyzing.

You are here because you are miserable...and as far as I go, that is the topic.