SoloMio

Achhh... just a vent coming and a concern I guess (which I'll deal with in my mindfulness practice and with my HP)

One of the unfortunate consequences that has happened as a result of my choosing to co-exist with an alcoholic is that the culture of drinking has overtaken what used to be a balanced family life.

When my AH stopped drinking for 5 years, my older two kids were late teens and my two younger kids were early teens. Life was wonderful and normal.

But he relapsed when the kids were pretty much adults, at least most of them were drinking age or about to turn drinking age, and over time we have spent more and more time in bars as a family.

Now, it's not JUST AH. Frankly, I know I have at least two sons who are traveling that path on their own.

Two things that happened yesterday:

1) My son (one of the ones I'm concerned about) asked if I thought it would be a good idea to have my brother over for a visit. My brother is a lifelong A, who is really on borrowed time at this point. He goes through short periods of sobriety, and when he's sober, of course, he's a great guy. When he's drinking, because of his bipolar condition as well, you'll find him doing a wide range of really crazy things.

So I told DS, well, if he's sober of course you wouldn't want to offer him a drink. And DS looked at me like, oh, why not? After ALL the talking I've done about my brother over the years, it hasn't sunk in that my brother CANNOT be enabled?? His life is tough enough as it is, with no job, no relationship, no real home--it's SUCH a no-brainer to me but I realized at that point that my brother would endanger his own sobriety if he visits my son, because my son simply doesn't get it. I'm just surprised, that's all.

2) My other son (who I'm also worried about) was recently struggling with a relationship that means a lot to him. I don't know the particulars, because he lives 7 hours away and I don't see him regularly. Anyway, the other day on a family call he told us that he hadn't had a drink in 49 days. I think his girlfriend might have lowered the boom or something.

Now, AH asked DS to come down for a visit this weekend bc it's AH's birthday. When DS told him he couldn't I was wondering if DS really didn't want to engage in the Clan McBoozeIt lifestyle because of his newly minted sobriety. If so, kudos to him!!! I will gladly sacrifice time with DS if he has learned to set boundaries that work for him.

Sorry for the long post, but the bottom line is, that whole butterfly effect that they talk about in the Big Book is so true, and it cuts both ways. If you think alcoholic behavior can be acted out in a vacuum, not so... those ripples go FAR and WIDE.

Thankfully, the ripples of health go just as far. These two small ripples have strengthened my resolve about where I need to be in my own life and to stop deluding myself about some of the effects of the drinking in my home.

LexieCat

Re son #1--is it really your job to protect your brother from temptation? Do you think your son's home is the only place he might be offered a drink? I'd try to let go of that situation, I think. I understand your frustration at your son's seeming cluelessness, but what he does or doesn't do won't affect your brother's sobriety or lack thereof.

Re son #2, hope he continues on his path, and does what he needs to do to stay sober. 49 days is big, but not so big that it's easy hanging out with a family that drinks a lot. If he continues on in his recovery, eventually he will be able to attend family events again if he chooses to.

I've had concerns about my own two boys (22 and 24), who have two alcoholic parents. The one good thing is that they also have two models of alcoholics who have chosen recovery--they both know that recovery is possible and can result in a good life.

acdirito

If we are working on our recovery we need to stay away from People, places and things. We stay away from anything we identify that reminds us of using. Dealers, party/bar buddies, friends we ran with, or others in our lives who throw off our equilibrium; bars, clubs, baths, certain streets or corners, or other places we associate with copping or using; stems, vials, lighters, cocktail glasses... There's an AA saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut."

SoloMio

Lexie,

Thanks so much... I have let go of my brother--years ago. In fact, I'm best at detaching from him out of all my A family members. But I still think it's worth trying to let my son know what's up with an alcoholic vs. a heavy drinker or plain old partier so he can know the consequences. I'm just surprised that people (esp my family members) just don't know alcoholism very well. Kind of like sitting in a nest in a tree and saying, "What's a bird?"

And in terms of the ripples, you have to know how wonderful it is that you are able to offer your own children health and sobriety--that's EXACTLY what I meant when I talked about those ripples! When AH quit drinking, in those 5 years he also stopped smoking (which he restarted after his relapse), and not only that but he inspired two of my sons who were smokers to stop, and his mother, a binge drinker, also stopped drinking during that time.

So, congratulations to you for being a model to your sons!