Kassie2

Husband and I are separated, don't know if he is drinking or in recovery at this point. We have been no contact except for some bills which I am beginning to separate as well which has required some interaction that had its ups and downs. Since then he has been establishing some eye contact (we work together) and says hi. I am not reading anymore into that one b/c I think it too abnormal the other way.

Yesterday though, he approached me and said that he has some things to talk to me about and wondered if he could call this weekend. I agreed but had a bad feeling about this. I keep remembering that our interactions don't usually go well b/c he is rarely rational or fair minded. So it could be nothing or more pulling away or more of the same quacking but I am trying to remind myself that I am prepared for anything and can let go.

Am asking for positive energy/thoughts and encouragement.

ala3037

You certainly have them from me, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ala

Pelican

Loads of encouragement coming your way Kassie!

I encourage you to spend your weekend taking care of YOU!

I encourage you to do anything but sit around waiting for a phone call.

I encourage you to change your mind, if needed.

I encourage you to set boundaries and only allow in what you can handle today.

You are right, it could be x, it could be y, or it could be z.
It could be none of the above. It may be a conversation he forgets to have...
How are you going to spend the next 48 hours?

Kassie2

Well, I will not sit and wait for any call. I plan to go about my business and pleasure. A few weeks ago he called out of the blue wanting something and wanting it now! I remained calm and politely said that I was currently in the middle of my own things and had other plans. I suggested that he give me time to get to back to him since i did not know this was his plan for the day in advance.

In the past when he would bring things up at work I referred him to the phone over the weekend. Never get calls. So this is a first.

When he first asked to call i started to get knots and then let go. I just observed all day how he can affect me if i allow and I just wasn't going there. All went well and I was pleased.

So today, I am prepared - I am not ready to jump and run for his sake although I only put up with any contact right now because I have been praying for a positive resolution to the situation one way or another and things seem to be moving in one direction.

I also thought that given his inability to face challenges and responsibility that he may not follow through or will wait until the last minute on Sunday night - in which case I refuse to wait or feel the need to respond.

This is actually the first time that I have felt this kind of strength and am able to be realistic about the situation WITHOUT a lot of emotion. I attended a workshop this week (not on a topic specific to him at all) but I learned added to what I already know about him and it really solidified the fact that he is a seriously damaged puppy, doing the best he can and there isn't anything I can do but accept him as he is and make my decisions based upon that knowledge.

coyote21

I know what you mean about having a little anxiety about a phone call. I still get that when axw leaves a phone message to "call her back", even though it's been over 4 years.

It's USUALLY nothing, but SOMETIMES, it's a ridiculous request that no one in their right mind would even fathom asking. I've learned to just never call her back. In a week or so when she's on the phone to LMC, she usually doesn't remember what was so "urgent."

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

TatliGuzelim

In the words of Christopher Robin:

".......promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think......"

Wishing you courage and confidence today and always.

coyote21

Regarding unreasonable requests, my knee jerk reaction would always be "yes", in an attempt to avoid the "alcoholic wrath". Then, upon reflection, I would have to call her and say I'd changed my mine, incurring even more wrath any way.

A nice trick I've learned from the wise people here is, whenever axw asks me ANYTHING, I simply respond, "I will have to think about that". That way I can ponder it, and respond instead of react. It also teaches the alcoholic not to wait till the last minute, so all the alcoholic urgency/drama is circumvented. Or not.

It's a good tool to have when dealing with an active alcoholic.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Kassie2

I definitely intend to use the tool of "let me think about it" - I also have found it difficult to know how to respond.Often his requests are things that no one in their right mind would ask - but i have learned that he has no shame in asking. Then there there are the no-win answers -no matter what your response it is the wrong answer. I also use to give an answer and then call back b/c I wasn't comfortable with what I said or agreed to.But no matter what it turns into some kind of argument. And the drama!.....

One bright note is that the last interaction I did stay calm, put him off, got a compromise and (not funny) got to call him on his behavior without a reaction and all got done (seems there is only shame when it suits their purpose). I even got a call back to thank me. I used it to reinforce the boundary and to let him know how things actually work. Basics 101.... if you want someone to give you something or do something for you - be NICE, if you are mean or pushy don't expect to get what you want. This one always gets to me.

So, no call yet but like I said, I have considered all possibilities in order to give room to stay calm and in control over my reactivity if needed. I just want to be ok and want him to be ok. Can control me, can't control him.

Live

applause!!!!!!!!!!