Sad and disappointed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Sad and disappointed
I talked to my ABF on the phone tonight and was so disappointed when I realized he was drinking again. Last Thursday, I took my house key back from him when he showed up at my house and it was apparent he had been drinking. He lied, of course, but then on Monday said he did drink on Thursday, but "not that much". Then said he didn't drink all weekend, just stayed home and didn't go to the store. He keeps telling me he had tried everything already as far as recovery programs and that he can do it on his own. Obviously it's not working.
Tomorrow it will be one year we have been dating (although we dated 15 years ago so I knew him in the past) and he wants me to come out to his house. I had told him I would think about it but now I don't know since nothing has changed. I used to spend the weekends at his place and times I was off from work (I am a teacher) but since I started the new school year I have not. I told him I just can't stand being there to watch him drink and then pass out.
I am just starting to set boundaries, not quite ready to give up on him and am really sad that this is even part of my life. Tomorrow should have been a happy day for us but it will probably be an evening alone.
Tomorrow it will be one year we have been dating (although we dated 15 years ago so I knew him in the past) and he wants me to come out to his house. I had told him I would think about it but now I don't know since nothing has changed. I used to spend the weekends at his place and times I was off from work (I am a teacher) but since I started the new school year I have not. I told him I just can't stand being there to watch him drink and then pass out.
I am just starting to set boundaries, not quite ready to give up on him and am really sad that this is even part of my life. Tomorrow should have been a happy day for us but it will probably be an evening alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am sorry you have this in your life.
Alcoholism is progressive..so it gets worse.
Nothing you can do about that.
There's a great stickie at the top of this forum on boundaries..have you read that?
We will be here tomorrow night if you want company and support..
Alcoholism is progressive..so it gets worse.
Nothing you can do about that.
There's a great stickie at the top of this forum on boundaries..have you read that?
We will be here tomorrow night if you want company and support..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Keep holding onto your boundaries. My story is similar to yours actually. Even the part about being friends long ago. Something that worked when my ABF relapsed was expressing my concerns for his safety and health (not doing anything for him, just making him aware I was there and concerned) WHILE keeping my boundaries. He knew that I cared and wanted him to be well but that I was going to live my life and be supportive from a distance. If he loves you , he should understand your need to do this.
I didn't get overly dramatic or emotional when the issue of his relapse/drinking came up. In fact I stayed almost clinical about it as a way to protect myself from being sucked in emotionally. I used some of my training in working with troubled kids when dealing with him. Its nuts but it worked in keeping my boundaries firm but kind.
But I was very sad and worried. I would get off the phone and cry after hearing him sounding so drunk and despondent. I knew there was nothing I could do. I also allowed myself to be sad in the moment, dried my tears and then went about my life but I never cried to him or expressed my feelings about how his drinking affected me. It wouldn't have made his relapse any shorter and probably would be one more thing for him to wallow in alcohol over.
Try not to see it as 'disappointment'. His drinking has nothing to do with you so remember that. Trust me, no one is probably more disappointed in his drinking than your boyfriend. Even if he isn't showing it, you can bet he has a huge sense of shame at what he is showing you. Don't take his actions while drinking personally. Keep telling yourself it has NOTHING to do with you (and it doesn't). It is tough to do since you want that great guy you fell in love with but keeping your distance may actually keep that connection in tact. I stayed away from him because I didn't want him to associate me with drinking and I wanted to preserve the sober person he can be.
Oh and he sobered up finally and went into rehab. I actually think my not budging on my boundaries was part of what motivated him to go in. He wants a future with me but it ain't gonna happen until he gets his s*** together
I didn't get overly dramatic or emotional when the issue of his relapse/drinking came up. In fact I stayed almost clinical about it as a way to protect myself from being sucked in emotionally. I used some of my training in working with troubled kids when dealing with him. Its nuts but it worked in keeping my boundaries firm but kind.
But I was very sad and worried. I would get off the phone and cry after hearing him sounding so drunk and despondent. I knew there was nothing I could do. I also allowed myself to be sad in the moment, dried my tears and then went about my life but I never cried to him or expressed my feelings about how his drinking affected me. It wouldn't have made his relapse any shorter and probably would be one more thing for him to wallow in alcohol over.
Try not to see it as 'disappointment'. His drinking has nothing to do with you so remember that. Trust me, no one is probably more disappointed in his drinking than your boyfriend. Even if he isn't showing it, you can bet he has a huge sense of shame at what he is showing you. Don't take his actions while drinking personally. Keep telling yourself it has NOTHING to do with you (and it doesn't). It is tough to do since you want that great guy you fell in love with but keeping your distance may actually keep that connection in tact. I stayed away from him because I didn't want him to associate me with drinking and I wanted to preserve the sober person he can be.
Oh and he sobered up finally and went into rehab. I actually think my not budging on my boundaries was part of what motivated him to go in. He wants a future with me but it ain't gonna happen until he gets his s*** together
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Babyblue 
I knew there was nothing I could do. I also allowed myself to be sad in the moment, dried my tears and then went about my life but I never cried to him or expressed my feelings about how his drinking affected me. It wouldn't have made his relapse any shorter and probably would be one more thing for him to wallow in alcohol over.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You are welcome! feel free to message me if you like. I just went through it and it was very disappointing but once I started NOT taking his behaviors personally then it took away lots of my sadness.
They are NOT equipped at handling their own emotions let alone ours. Spare yourself the frustration.
Good luck!
They are NOT equipped at handling their own emotions let alone ours. Spare yourself the frustration.
Good luck!
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