Is leaving an alcoholic spouse the only option?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Is leaving an alcoholic spouse the only option?
This is what I keep wondering. I know my husband is an alcoholic...no doubt about it. I am not upset about his drinking as I used to be, I'm not trying to control it, and when he gets obnoxious, I just walk away and do something else...for myself. This truly helps. When he tries to get into discussions (I have realized that he used those to pick a fight), I ignore those. Also, when he gets drunk, I do not sleep with him in the same bed. No, I am not punishing him...I just cannot stand drunk men in the same room/bed. I am pretty sure he has noticed a change in me, but is he changing? Nope.
I keep reading other posts. There are so many people whose story is similar to mine, and those people decided to leave. I didn't get that far yet. Is that the only option? Well, if he does not want to change, and keeps doing his annoying little thing, I guess it is. The point is, I am not ready to leave, I am not sure if I want to. He has qualities, but is this kind of relationship fair to him, fair to me? I want to be able to sleep in the same room with my husband, and not to be disgusted by his slurred speech and drunk eyes look. It is so difficult to make a decision. What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
I keep reading other posts. There are so many people whose story is similar to mine, and those people decided to leave. I didn't get that far yet. Is that the only option? Well, if he does not want to change, and keeps doing his annoying little thing, I guess it is. The point is, I am not ready to leave, I am not sure if I want to. He has qualities, but is this kind of relationship fair to him, fair to me? I want to be able to sleep in the same room with my husband, and not to be disgusted by his slurred speech and drunk eyes look. It is so difficult to make a decision. What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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There's absolutely no rush or obligation to "end it here and now". You do what you need in your own time. At this particular moment, you seem ok in the relationship by enforcing your boundaries with regards to his drinking. Perhaps there will come a time when you decide that you want more out of your partnership than regular avoidance whenever he chooses to get blotto.
IMO what we are willing to accept in a relationship is a frightening reflection of how we view ourselves and what we think we "deserve".
Have you considered going to Al-Anon and/or counselling to explore all this further?
From reading your post, it seems like you are at the "reflection" stage and would really benefit from contemplating a bit further.
Keep posting
IMO what we are willing to accept in a relationship is a frightening reflection of how we view ourselves and what we think we "deserve".
Have you considered going to Al-Anon and/or counselling to explore all this further?
From reading your post, it seems like you are at the "reflection" stage and would really benefit from contemplating a bit further.
Keep posting
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
healthy, I was right where you are at one time. I too wondered if leaving was the only option. I loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. Fast forward ten years and two children later. Two times he has been arrested for DV, and the damage done to my children and myself is too much for me to think about. I have been working the steps and been a member here for 7 years. Everyone told me that I would just know and you know what, one day I woke up and I knew. I had detached enough and got healthy enough to know that the relationship I am in is toxic and not good for any of us. I have a lawyer and will be filing for divorce next week. I cannot change him, but I can change me and I can change the environment for my children. I will tell you the same thing that everyone told me...if leaving him is what you need to do, you will know. Don't focus on that question yet, focus on YOU, own your feelings and go to Alanon. When that question needs to be answered, it wont even be a question any more. 
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I don't like living with stinky, obnoxious men who argue with me for no reason on a regular basis. So I don't. Nor do I choose to live with men who are not attentive, kind and caring most of the time. It is much nicer to live alone than to live withan alcoholic. Plenty of people are married but don't live together.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by healthyagain 
I keep reading other posts. There are so many people whose story is similar to mine, and those people decided to leave. I didn't get that far yet. Is that the only option? Well, if he does not want to change, and keeps doing his annoying little thing, I guess it is. The point is, I am not ready to leave, I am not sure if I want to. He has qualities, but is this kind of relationship fair to him, fair to me? I want to be able to sleep in the same room with my husband, and not to be disgusted by his slurred speech and drunk eyes look. It is so difficult to make a decision. What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
If you're not ready to leave, you're not ready to leave. You might be in another year, or 10 years, or never. Everyone is different. Everyone works on their own timeline, and just because yours might be different than mine (or anybody else's) doesn't make it wrong.
Good luck,
D
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
There have been good responses on this thread. Our stories surrounding us being codependents may sound very similar but our situations and decisions are as unique as our personalities are. Everyone has their own straw that "breaks the camel's back". All we can do is the best we can do! This is why one of the rules of Ala-non and SR is for us not to be judgmental. We can only relate our own experiences in similar situations, and give suggestions.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to take changes.
Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others.
It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.
Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you die.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to take changes.
Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others.
It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.
Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you die.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
We are between 12-15 people per week in my al anon group and myself a one guy are the only ones who left our s/o's.
The others are all still with the addict. But each and every one of their addicts works a program and has been sober/recovery for years.
My ex was sober but not in recovery
There is no rule, but there is also no chance if the addict is not sober and not in recovery
The others are all still with the addict. But each and every one of their addicts works a program and has been sober/recovery for years.
My ex was sober but not in recovery
There is no rule, but there is also no chance if the addict is not sober and not in recovery
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Just went to a talk on codependency by an MFT who specializes in dealinfg w/ family members of addicts. Alalnon does not encourage you to leave, nor discourage you and there are lots in my homegruop living w/active alcoholics.BUT the therapist said they ABSOLUTELY reccomend the codep[endant enter recovery and only give it 1 year for the spouse to begin their recovery. Said it is too difficult to remain detached living with an active addict. I tend to agree with that, but it differs from alanon philosophy.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When you know...you know.
I spent many months after coming here pondering whether to leave my XABF of 10+ years or not. He was nowhere near recovery, but I held out hope that one day he would be. As I got better at detachment, the relationship was easier. I was able to enjoy the good times and cope with the bad times far better and take care of myself where I hadn't before.
Over time, though, I found myself wanting more for my life. Less coping and more living.
I decided to give myself the option even if I wasn't ready to make the decision. I saved up some money to leave and I started considering where I would go.
When he lost his job and lost our housing with it, his drinking spiraled out of control. It really felt like the decision had been made by someone else and I was just accepting the fact. It was then so clear to me that it would always be my job to be the responsible one. It would always be my job to manage life's changes while he escaped from them. He would always choose alcohol over our partnership when it mattered most to me.
Sometimes the answer to your question is to be patient and wait. Let the answer come to you.
Alice
I spent many months after coming here pondering whether to leave my XABF of 10+ years or not. He was nowhere near recovery, but I held out hope that one day he would be. As I got better at detachment, the relationship was easier. I was able to enjoy the good times and cope with the bad times far better and take care of myself where I hadn't before.
Over time, though, I found myself wanting more for my life. Less coping and more living.
I decided to give myself the option even if I wasn't ready to make the decision. I saved up some money to leave and I started considering where I would go.
When he lost his job and lost our housing with it, his drinking spiraled out of control. It really felt like the decision had been made by someone else and I was just accepting the fact. It was then so clear to me that it would always be my job to be the responsible one. It would always be my job to manage life's changes while he escaped from them. He would always choose alcohol over our partnership when it mattered most to me.
Sometimes the answer to your question is to be patient and wait. Let the answer come to you.
Alice
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Thank you for your answers. Right now, I wish I could turn back the time and do some things differently, meaning never got involved in the first place. It is just that you care for someone and then see him destroying himself, and you wanna help, but then you cannot, because he does not want help. He thinks he is fine and I am thinking about what is going to happen to his heart and liver in 10-15 years. It is a disease that destroys the body, mind, relationships, but it can only be cured when he realizes how dangerous it is. The reason why I am still around him is that I still hope that he will understand and want a change, for himself, for us. Does this sound naive to you? I really do not know. I really believe that he can make the right decision, and want to give him a chance.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
Why would I want to?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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It is hard to watch someone destroying themselves. My EXAH was buried at the age of 47.
I also have a 32 year old AD who is morbidly obese, already suffers from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and still smokes like a chimney. She's delighted she found a therapist who prescribes her Xanax because now she can 'zone out' legally.
I've been around the rooms of recovery myself since 1986, and I have never met a fellow alcoholic or addict who just suddenly woke up one day and decided to change.
I had that sort of thinking myself when I was married to my EXAH. He never changed.
I had to hit a deep bottom before I began my own recovery from alcoholism/addictions.
I do want to clarify that there is no cure for alcoholism, at least not in my books.
I can not ever safely ingest alcohol again. It's comparable to turning a pickle back into a cucumber...that just isn't going to happen!
Would you consider attending Alanon for yourself? The principles of Alanon have made life so much better for me.
My life is full and complete, despite having a daughter in active addiction.
I also have a 32 year old AD who is morbidly obese, already suffers from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and still smokes like a chimney. She's delighted she found a therapist who prescribes her Xanax because now she can 'zone out' legally.
I've been around the rooms of recovery myself since 1986, and I have never met a fellow alcoholic or addict who just suddenly woke up one day and decided to change.
I had that sort of thinking myself when I was married to my EXAH. He never changed.
I had to hit a deep bottom before I began my own recovery from alcoholism/addictions.
I do want to clarify that there is no cure for alcoholism, at least not in my books.
I can not ever safely ingest alcohol again. It's comparable to turning a pickle back into a cucumber...that just isn't going to happen!
Would you consider attending Alanon for yourself? The principles of Alanon have made life so much better for me.
My life is full and complete, despite having a daughter in active addiction.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I totally relate to what you are saying. I did the same many times, over many years. Waited for someone else to decide that MY way for his life was better than HIS way. Recently I realized that it is not my place to decide for someone else what HE should do with his life, how he should live it. Who am I to decide what is best for someone else? No matter how "right," rational and sane I appear, and "wrong," irrational and insane HE appears, I do not KNOW what is best for anyone but me. That is up to each and every one of us to choose for ourselves.
At this point in my life, I feel I am too old to waste any more time waiting for someone else to choose my way. I choose my way and it is enough for me. It is easier to be partnered with someone who already has the same lifestyle, values and goals as I do.
At this point in my life, I feel I am too old to waste any more time waiting for someone else to choose my way. I choose my way and it is enough for me. It is easier to be partnered with someone who already has the same lifestyle, values and goals as I do.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: ozarks
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
Well.....you can put up with the behavior, you can complain about the behavior, you can try withdrawing/withholding, whining, etc.
In the end you either put up with it or don't...
Then my experience is, once you say you're done and give them the boot you question yourself, then you find yourself remembering all the good stuff and downplaying the bad stuff, hoping and praying that your actions will be the impetus for them to seek help.
Hasn’t happened yet.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Nobody can tell anyone else when it's time to leave (barring physical danger from abuse). We are the ones who have to live with ourselves, and I think most of us in a committed relationship want to give our SO's a fair opportunity to choose recovery. When we've concluded it ain't happening, and when we've had enough that we choose not to live with it anymore, is different for each person, I think.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by healthyagain
What are the things a person can do before s/he makes that final step and says "goodbye"?
- Work on YOURSELF
- Go to AlAnon
- Learn about alcoholism
- Create your boundaries and stick with them
- Don't accept lies and other BS
- Meditate or do some other kind of self-awareness activities to examine your own motivations
- Don't enable
- Listen to your gut
- As they say, "don't analyze--utilize!"
- Enjoy life now
- Don't delude yourself into thinking maybe NEXT year will be different. Especially don't base your actions on that hope
- AFter that, trust the still, small voice that prompts you when it IS time to say goodbye
- Don't rush it, and try not to stress about "the right time."
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I really liked the Itsmealice comment re: always being the responsible one. For myself, I too grew tired of always playing the responsible one, of being the only one who was interested in a decently clean house, in clean laundry, in making food, taking out the trash. And then being accused of being "boring" or "too domestic" for taking care of these things. I wasn't his mother or some boring person, but when you're the only one who cares about some standard of living, it's really taxing. (I mean and these were the least of my troubles: late nights/early morning home comings so that i couldn't sleep, knocked over furniture from blackouts, lies). My friends started to tell me how tired i was, that it seemed like I was a shadow of myself. I relationship shouldn't leave you feeling depleted all the time. That's how I knew. Good luck!
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