i need words of wisdom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
i need words of wisdom
She gets out tomorrow. 90 days at racine prison. She was told she cannot live here. Her PO also said no. Today she calls and is an emotional wreck. She said she does not feel loved by me. She said she feels sad when the other inmates talk about their relationship with their moms and how they praise their daughters and are excited about their release etc. etc. truthfully friends, I am not excited. I just dont want to be there again with possible drama. I'm tired of it. I have moved on thru al-anon, focusing on the grands,my business and my husband. I know longer have the pit in my gut from worry. Why do I feel like this? Should I be excited? I do love her but I don't feel relaxed around her and I do feel bad about it. Will it change? If she told me she was moving to a different state I don't think I would even feel bad about it in fact I think I would feel relieved. It has been 8 yrs of crack and and 13 yrs of stress, weed, drinking, running away, skipping school,and me picking up the pieces over and over. I'm tired and just don't want to do it anymore. What happened to me? Did anyone else ever feel like this about their child?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You can only believe 10% of what an addict says, so, who knows the real truth about what other parents actually said. And, add to that, many parents are only at the beginning of the journey into enabling and the effect of addiction on the entire family.
I sure can understand why you have had enough, I too would be tired of the entire situation.
I sure can understand why you have had enough, I too would be tired of the entire situation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
God love you honey, I dont blame you!
You are doing what you should be doing, and that is what you need to worry about. I feel like if she gets her life together, it will be evident, in her behaviour. she probalby has a long way to go, before you can really trust her.
I cant imagine parents telling their children in prison that they are proud of them unless it is a recovery place. I think that may be premature, and i would want to wait to see if they do the right things by choice, and not because they are forced to in prison.
hang in there and take care of you. you have been through enough, and if she is going to get it together, she needs to do it on her own. you are doing such agood thing taking care of the grandchildren. she is lucky that they have a loving home and security.
try not to focus on it too much. you are doing what you should in my opinion.
hugs,
chicory
You are doing what you should be doing, and that is what you need to worry about. I feel like if she gets her life together, it will be evident, in her behaviour. she probalby has a long way to go, before you can really trust her.
I cant imagine parents telling their children in prison that they are proud of them unless it is a recovery place. I think that may be premature, and i would want to wait to see if they do the right things by choice, and not because they are forced to in prison.
hang in there and take care of you. you have been through enough, and if she is going to get it together, she needs to do it on her own. you are doing such agood thing taking care of the grandchildren. she is lucky that they have a loving home and security.
try not to focus on it too much. you are doing what you should in my opinion.
hugs,
chicory
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
What happened to you is that you had enough. She is just trying to guilt you into doing what she wants. You are already raising her children, right? Well, if that doesn't show love, I don't know what does. She needs to figure out her own future. That is not your responsibility. If she hasn't figured that out by now, then she might not ever figure it out.
Please don't let her selfishness and irresponsibility make you second-guess yourself. You are doing exactly the right thing by letting her deal with her own issues. Hang in there. We are here to support you.
Please don't let her selfishness and irresponsibility make you second-guess yourself. You are doing exactly the right thing by letting her deal with her own issues. Hang in there. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie))) - I agree with the posts above me. You've had enough, and that's okay. You're also allowing her the dignity of living her life.
FWIW, my family was supportive of me when I was locked up (jail and diversion center, not jail) but it was also made clear that I wasn't welcome if I continued to use AND they would call my PO if they even suspected it. It was also the first time I'd been in real trouble....you've been through the wringer, sweetie.
IMO, you're justified in the way you feel, and you're doing a great job at taking care of you and your grandbabies.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, my family was supportive of me when I was locked up (jail and diversion center, not jail) but it was also made clear that I wasn't welcome if I continued to use AND they would call my PO if they even suspected it. It was also the first time I'd been in real trouble....you've been through the wringer, sweetie.
IMO, you're justified in the way you feel, and you're doing a great job at taking care of you and your grandbabies.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
thanks again for all. she is in a 90 day "getting to know yourself" there is no 12 step program there. So, yes I feel she has not even begun the journey to recovery. Ahhh, its been 8 yrs. of crack with an additional 13 yrs of all the other problems, She told me once she made a pact with herself at 13 to get in as much trouble as possble and she did a real good job at it!!! She said in prison she found out she needs constant approvel from people in order to feel good about herself. I feel thats her deal to work out with herself as to why she is like that. I have a 16 yr old and a 4 yr. old I need to care for and be there for in all ways a grandmother can be. I just can't go through life any more trying to figure out what she needs today. My day has been good once I figured out my password to get on this site and find all of you!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
No you are not a mean horrible mother. You are tired and worn out from dealing with an addict.Why would you possibly be excited to have her out? She is an adult who had 3 mo. of time to figure out what to do when she got out. There are people who will help her if she really wants it..it doesn't have to be and probably shouldn't be you. If she wants recovery, support that emotionally. Anything else is her deal.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Katie,
You wash away any guilt you have! The word PROUD belongs to you and the word MANIPULATION belongs to her. You have gone through many horrible times with your daughter and she more than likely doesn't even come close to having a clue of what she has put her family through. Just from the last conversation you have had with her it is clear her addiction is still talking, it is still all about her, poor me. You have a heart of gold, she knows it and wants it the way she wants it.
Boy addicts sure do have a way of making us self doubt ourselves, they are such masters of the game. It was my husband with the addiction problem, I was so upset and sick when he was going off to jail, but when he was getting out I was sicker! He was gone much the sametime as your daughter, enough time to get some peace back into my life and loose that horrible knott in the stomach.
Try your very best not to let her bring you down or throw the guilt in, your al-anon meetings will be a great benefit for you, helping you to stay strong and away from the guilt.
Rose
You wash away any guilt you have! The word PROUD belongs to you and the word MANIPULATION belongs to her. You have gone through many horrible times with your daughter and she more than likely doesn't even come close to having a clue of what she has put her family through. Just from the last conversation you have had with her it is clear her addiction is still talking, it is still all about her, poor me. You have a heart of gold, she knows it and wants it the way she wants it.
Boy addicts sure do have a way of making us self doubt ourselves, they are such masters of the game. It was my husband with the addiction problem, I was so upset and sick when he was going off to jail, but when he was getting out I was sicker! He was gone much the sametime as your daughter, enough time to get some peace back into my life and loose that horrible knott in the stomach.
Try your very best not to let her bring you down or throw the guilt in, your al-anon meetings will be a great benefit for you, helping you to stay strong and away from the guilt.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I suspect that during the time that your daughter has been in prison, you've had a reprieve from her "stuff" and it has felt good. I'm sure you love her--but she doesn't control your love and doesn't dictate what it should look like.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Katie53: ((hugs)) to you right now. There are tons of us who feel very uncomfortable around our addicted loved ones.
Dollydo's post reminded me of the time my son was in jail. Because I was new to that, I sent him cheerleading letters the whole time he was there. But i've reflected on that many times since then, and if he were to go to jail again i would not do any of that.
I've also reflected that with the lessons i am learning in detaching from my AS during his active addiction, i am also being prepared for when he actively seeks recovery and that I need to have the same hands-off attitude and not be that idiot cheerleader. I remember reading in a book about a recovering woman who told her mom she had gotten her one-year chip. The mother just looked at her and said something like, "call me when you get your 2-year chip." It was only when that woman was getting her 8-year chip that her mother went to the AA meeting where her daughter received it. 8 years for that mother to heal! Yup - that's me !
Keep bringing your guilt back here. It takes a lot of courage to detach from our addict children, and thankfully there are a bunch of people here who can guide you and me and everybody else through it.
Dollydo's post reminded me of the time my son was in jail. Because I was new to that, I sent him cheerleading letters the whole time he was there. But i've reflected on that many times since then, and if he were to go to jail again i would not do any of that.
I've also reflected that with the lessons i am learning in detaching from my AS during his active addiction, i am also being prepared for when he actively seeks recovery and that I need to have the same hands-off attitude and not be that idiot cheerleader. I remember reading in a book about a recovering woman who told her mom she had gotten her one-year chip. The mother just looked at her and said something like, "call me when you get your 2-year chip." It was only when that woman was getting her 8-year chip that her mother went to the AA meeting where her daughter received it. 8 years for that mother to heal! Yup - that's me !
Keep bringing your guilt back here. It takes a lot of courage to detach from our addict children, and thankfully there are a bunch of people here who can guide you and me and everybody else through it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Katie, please know that it is "okay" to be at the enough point and beyond. It is okay to let our adult children learn to live in the world on their own. Most adults do just that.
I have said many times here, "we" are not their only option, we are not even a good one. When they have shown their ability to turn our homes (our safe place) upside down, then it is no longer an option either.
She will make good choices or bad when she gets out, but her choices will have nothing to do with whether you let her come home or not. It will just mean that you no longer have a front row seat to the drama.
You and your other children and grandkids deserve a life of peace and stability. It's just time.
Hugs
I have said many times here, "we" are not their only option, we are not even a good one. When they have shown their ability to turn our homes (our safe place) upside down, then it is no longer an option either.
She will make good choices or bad when she gets out, but her choices will have nothing to do with whether you let her come home or not. It will just mean that you no longer have a front row seat to the drama.
You and your other children and grandkids deserve a life of peace and stability. It's just time.
Hugs
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Katie, I feel exactly the same way about my son. I love him dearly and think about him every day. I do not want further contact with him while he is an addict though. Our life is peaceful now and we are not constantly on edge anymore.
In the past I may have felt the need to be his cheerleader IF he ever shows and interest in recovery (which he has not as of yet), but after being on this forum for a while, I will simply let him get on with it.
Sometimes other people do make me feel guilty about the fact that I am not more supportive of him, but I am the one who had to deal with lies, manipulation, deceit, blame etc. for many years, not them. I am also the one who now understand how my years of "support" probably helped him to descent deeper and deeper in his addiction.
Do not feel guilty and you are definitely not alone.
In the past I may have felt the need to be his cheerleader IF he ever shows and interest in recovery (which he has not as of yet), but after being on this forum for a while, I will simply let him get on with it.
Sometimes other people do make me feel guilty about the fact that I am not more supportive of him, but I am the one who had to deal with lies, manipulation, deceit, blame etc. for many years, not them. I am also the one who now understand how my years of "support" probably helped him to descent deeper and deeper in his addiction.
Do not feel guilty and you are definitely not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by katie53 
... she is in a 90 day "getting to know yourself" there is no 12 step program there. So, yes I feel she has not even begun the journey to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Katie,
Of course you're tired. Of course you are.
It doesn't mean you don't love her, or want the best outcome for her.
You mentioned the "other parents". Well, what I thought was: how many of those parents are doing al-anon? What are their backgrounds (is prison "normal"?), and what were their hopes and dreams for their child?
You have evolved. You've evolved into a person who knows what she knows. You've been through things that have made you gun shy.
No guilt. It doesn't fit here.
Peace....
Of course you're tired. Of course you are.
It doesn't mean you don't love her, or want the best outcome for her.
You mentioned the "other parents". Well, what I thought was: how many of those parents are doing al-anon? What are their backgrounds (is prison "normal"?), and what were their hopes and dreams for their child?
You have evolved. You've evolved into a person who knows what she knows. You've been through things that have made you gun shy.
No guilt. It doesn't fit here.
Peace....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
well, it's been 2 days so far. She is adament on meetings and things she needs to do. Jogs everyday early everyday. Tries to keep a rigorous schedue. Also VERY opinionated. But maybe thats how it needs to be for her.
She asked me if I would go to family nite meetings with her again and I replyed that I work Wed. evenings but maybe I could arrange to take off some nites. I got the "raised eyebrow look" Oooooh that mothers guilt kicked in!! She does have that personality that she go full blast on something and then it subsides after a while. She want to register her 4 yr old for sunday school at the new church she found (today is her first day there) but I told her I felt it was better if she waited alittle bit and focus on herself for now. I'm afraid that this will fade off and then Iwill have a 4 yr. old wondering what happened! I'm trying to stay into today, and just typing away on this site helps me out.
She asked me if I would go to family nite meetings with her again and I replyed that I work Wed. evenings but maybe I could arrange to take off some nites. I got the "raised eyebrow look" Oooooh that mothers guilt kicked in!! She does have that personality that she go full blast on something and then it subsides after a while. She want to register her 4 yr old for sunday school at the new church she found (today is her first day there) but I told her I felt it was better if she waited alittle bit and focus on herself for now. I'm afraid that this will fade off and then Iwill have a 4 yr. old wondering what happened! I'm trying to stay into today, and just typing away on this site helps me out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
