pixilation

yet another reminder of why it's time to get out, periodically he does this, purposely gets really loud when he knows I'm sleeping, so I will wake up and confront him. I didn't confront him tonight though(other than telling him to go to bed) I kept my cool, and even when he verbally attacked me I didn't engage, I just continued doing dishes.

I'm going to see if I can find someone to watch the kids so I can get to another meeting tonight.

missphit

good for you! you go...I always felt some empowerment when i realized i was in control and didn't have to get mad if I didn't WANT to.....funny how we can loose sight of those choices when alcoholism is part of our lives. i hope you continue to take care of you and your kids and not play the games...you are wise not to take the bait!! well done!

pixilation

Now I'm tired. *yawn*
This is where these late night drunken wake ups get to me, by lack of sleep. Especially because he's in bed sleeping like nothing happened. I start getting pissy, and venting towards him once he does wake up.

Not today..I'm going to vent elsewhere.

Live

I was drop-jawed floored when I learned this is a common tactic amongst abusive men!
Mine also timed it to when I needed my sleep the most...had worked several shifts of extra long hours or had a big day the next day or was more vulnerable and tired etc.

This really is abusive!
It made such a difference to me to learn that and to learn that it was purposeful!
I know how badly it exhausted me and he tortured me with starting fights ...gee...
I never dreamed that it was a freaking TACTIC!!!!!

tjp613

Live, I think you're giving them way too much credit for having an actual working brain. It seems to me that abusers generally just flip the A**hole Auto Pilot switch and go to it.

wicked

It is a common tactic to torture or brainwash.
You lose your sense of self when you are sleep deprived.
It is dangerous too.

Beth

SteppingUp

Not only men, my W will come to bed late when I'm asleep and just start talking to me. As I'm sure you can imagine, the conversations aren't very coherent with me being asleep and her drunk!

Great job keeping your cool Pixilation. I'm still working on that one!

Live

oops..sorry abusive others...
I first learned about it reading about other abused women and their abusive men...of course it translates to both sexes.

As to whether it is intentional...I am sure that varies.

Mine was an extraoridnarily intelligent guy and he did think in terms of tactics..I have heard him admit as such later on.....because he was the classic abuser/controller and he had learned over the years to be very effective without resorting to physical measures (altho' it did come to that later...and those were not thought out..they were uncontrolled blow-ups)
He later acknowledged these late night all night fights as him "terrorizing me"..his words.

ItsmeAlice

A turning point for me was when my XABF kept storming into the bedroom while I was sleeping. He kept saying he was looking for me, wanted to know what I was doing, and he was only playing around. I was so tired that each time he left, I would start to cry but fall right back to sleep anyway. On his fourth trip into the bedroom the dogs, who had been on the bed, began growling and barking at him and I woke up ready to take his head off I was so mad. I was done being scared and hurt and was ready to take him on.

I understand now that what transpired after that was what he was after. He wanted confrontation. He wanted to fight with someone. A sleeping girlfriend isn't much of a sparring partner, I guess.

After I learned what all his crazy making and fight starting was really about, I could walk away from him. He no longer had the power he once had over me to make my mood what he wanted it to be. The puppet strings had been cut!!

Good for you for taking your power back!! Only you have a say in what your emotions are going to be at any given time. If he wants a rise out of something, he can go bake a cake!! Amen!!

Alice

Live

ja......in a later relationship...if there was an evening argument..I would go to a hotel...if that is called learning???^&*()&*^)
I am outta that one too now
and I don't deal with any of this anymore.

LMAO, Alice...baking a cake!!!

nodaybut2day

I'd forgotten about this, but back when I started living with XAH, he would LET me fall asleep before him because he said I was "leaving him alone". If I dared fall asleep, he'd wake me up furiously accusing me of being insensitive. Other times, he'd wake me up in the middle of the night saying that he was having a panic attack and *needed* me to just sit there with him till he calmed down (he also used to tack on that it would be great if I could just "put his ***** in my mouth until he calmed down",...yes, you read me right...therapeutic fellatio). And then later on in our marriage, he'd wake me in the middle of the night to argue with me about...random sh*t that happened 2 days prior.

It's only after I left that I discovered that sleep deprivation is a common brainwashing/torture tactic...

pixilation

And true to form, he doesn't remember doing it at all.

Now, if I could find somewhere to take a class on Microsoft Office so I could update my skills(last time I took a class on Office was over 10 years ago)

nodaybut2day

Training - Microsoft Office

You can do your updating online, for free, on the Microsoft site. I use this everytime I'm going for a job interview and I'll be tested on my computer skills.

pixilation

OMG! Bless your heart, that's exactly what I needed. Going to try it out in the morning(youngest just woke up from nap).

kia

god he did this to me too when he knew i was tired and had gone to get an early night he would purposely have it blasting and when i went threw to ask to turn it down he would say im intimidating him and hes now gonna sleep on the sofa all night which he did quite alot

tjp613

Sorry if my post seemed insensitive.... I really had no idea that was so common. I'm so sorry you all went through that hell. Really sorry.

kia

neither did i think we all think were the only ones till u start reading so its ok dont worry xxx

ItsmeAlice

tjp,
When I'm overly tired, a lisp I had as a child creeps up on me. When I had migraines in my youth I developed an occasional stutter. If I take Nyquil for a cold, I've been known to sleep so heavily I can hardly be roused until the effects wear off.

There is no effect of drug or alcohol, physical discomfort, or defect that causes me to manipulate and emotionally beat down another person.

I agree with your post. The idea that alcohol or drugs creates this kind of behavior in someone is just utter BS to me now. I say "now" because for years I excused my XABF's gaslighting and abuse with his drinking. I believe now that beneath the facade he showed the world was a very angry and manipulative man who felt entitled to many things. The alcohol allowed the release of those feelings and became the excuse.

Live

tjp....no offense taken...my point was similar to yours...I had no idea that this was a common thing...I was just flabbergasted when I read about it and that it happened to so many abused women.
I didn't learn that until I was out of the relationship.

pixilation

I never thought of it that way either, but it totally makes sense, in much the way his playing of music either really loudly or a certain song repeatedly, while "singing" the lyrics to me makes sense, psychological torture basically.

it was a little shocking, as he hasn't done it really since he started on Zoloft. Not completely unexpected however.