thequest

The problem one YEARS in big time debt and loosing unemployment quite simply can't give up his lifestyle which includes alot of recreational activities including sporting events,vactions,concerts etc. Won't even go into 'expensive' taste or that he is entitled to the "best". He has reduced the number of these outings but he refuses to give them up temporarily even though well into debt with various people and companies for YEARS.

He's flat out said he's not giving up things he's done for years. I don't know if he's in denial or doesn't give a crap. He's been told he does not look good owing lots of money while spending on extras while on unemployment-he actually got upset- "you don't realize blah blah blah...". He tries to justify these activities and an oppurtunity to keep relationships that may give him a job-uh 2 years later and one or two gratuitous leads is about it. He even fished them over years while he was working and never got anything solid.

There are some definate alcohol issues along with various drugs and different times but I think those he can give up. But the sense of entitlement to a certain kind of life he cannot.

But is a lifestyle irreguardless of cost an addiction?

sojourner

I'm watching this in my son, too. Maybe in a nutshell we can call it the insanity of addiction. Can anyone offer you an explanation that will suffice for you? In the end, all of us family members and loved ones have to step back and watch this slow decline into the abyss while the denial continues.

Probably a recovering addict would tell us that during their years of using they just did not care about those things you speak of because their primary objective was procuring drugs/alcohol to get high which apparently involves quite a bit of planning and work ahead of time. I know you talked about the desire to do all the "fun" stuff, but how much of that fun stuff involves being around others or in situations where drugs/alcohol are being used?

Perhaps your bringing up the subject to him about all of this (if you do that) brings out that addict bravado where he just flat-out disagrees with you while inside he thinks about it a lot.

I don't know. Hope is helps. Take what you need and leave the rest.

splendra

To te extent that behaviors affect our lifestyle yes addiction can affect lifestyle. Addiction is a lifestyle based on behavior resposes to stress and the call to use.

I do not know your relationship to the "he" in your post but at any rate as hard as it is to do mind your own business and let him mind his and you mind yours. We codies tend to try and manage our addict to our own and their detriment. This "he" in your post is an adult right? If he is than let him go if he is a minor than get him help.

outtolunch

Back in May, your first post said:

"We know someone who basically abuses alcohol going over a dozen beers A session. Uses PEDs/Steroids. Uses caffiene and stimulanet filled drinks before and after his NON Olympic workouts......"

I truly mean no snarkiness here when I ask if your obsession with this person's choices is a form of addiction, for you?

How do his lifestyle choices become your business?
How do the choices of others to enable him become your business?

(I don't expect an answer because, well, that's none of my business)

One of the best examples of a boundary I recently came across was a person who made the decision to not associate with anyone who picks their nose in public. If they encountered a public picker, they immediately removed themselves from the situation. They acknowledged the other person had the right to pick their nose any ole time and place and therefore made no attempt to reform the picker.

thequest

In this case the problem one's actions have affected the entire immediate family. The older relatives go off like a rocket if you mention his name. Since he owes family signifigant amounts of money his lack of repayment has signifigant consequences for all. The one who loaned him the most money is so ticked off they carry resentment around with them affecting the mood of others even out of the house. I have other relatives telling me they notice the changes and/or affects. The loan could be used now. Sooner or later that money will have to be used.


At first I was hoping we were dealing with someone with a several smaller issues but after reading here and witnessing events first hand we very well might be telling a story of how someone lost their house trying to help an a full fledged addict. Sometimes I might be just venting others I might be looking for a better way to deal with things. I even hope that just one post of mine might be of help to someone else.

But until the problem gets somekind of resolution ie repayment or banishment by the entire family here I am.

thequest

You know what sometimes I completely ignore the simplist of answers. I keep on thinking back alley deal in the hood for what ever but these events make for a supermarket and/or restaurant of sorts. Thanks

I guess we'll just have to assume we're dealing with a addict irreguardless of what the drug of choice is.

Freedom1990

The bad news is that loan will likely never be repaid. The good news is that recovery is available for family members through sources like Alanon and Naranon.

Neither of my parents have sought any sort of recovery from their codependency. They are adults, and have the right to not seek recovery.

That is not my problem, and I work hard not to make it my problem, especially when they go into toxic mode.

suki44883

Why does it have to have anything to do with addiction? Could be that he is just an irresponsible and inconsiderate person. There are a lot of them around. I agree that the loan probably will never be repaid, so hopefully a lesson has been learned.

outtolunch

Someone might unfortunately lose their house because they made a bad loan to a relative who does not appear to have a good track record for taking responsibility for himself. Repayment of this loan is beyond your control or that of those who made the decision to loan him money. That he may or may not be an addict or just a big ole baby makes no difference in the outcome, does it?

I am just hanging in here to serve as a friendly reminder that it is your choice to engage or not in the family drama, regardless of what the rest of the family does or not. In other words, being affected by this situation is a choice.

Kindeyes

As always......it is not necessarily that a person drinks to excess or does drugs that creates the problems initially.......it's the behavior associated with it.

Many of us have learned our lessons (the hard way) when we have given money to our addicted loved ones. And yes.....it is irksome when we lend someone money "for rent" or a "medical emergency" only to find out that they went skiing. We can hold on to that resentment and let it fester away and become a big ol' bag of resentment pus.....or we can let it go and learn from it. Often when we are angry or resentful in a situation that we bear 50% of the responsibility for.....we are as angry at ourselves as we are at the other person. Remember the adage of "Fool me once shame on you-- Fool me twice....shame on me".

His behaviors can only continue when those around him give in to his demands and (if he's like many addicts/alcoholics) believe his amazing, Oscar Winning Performances! Once the money and handouts dry up.....the real problems come to the surface quite quickly.

The lifestyle that another chooses is something we have absolutely no control over. We can only accept it for what it is and allow them to feel the consequences of their actions......and sometimes it is very painful to watch those consequences unfold.

gentle hugs