musicwithin

I'm probably jumping the gun asking this, since I only realized I CANNOT DRINK AT ALL a couple of days ago. However, I am being honest with myself after 30 years of roller coaster drinking and self-deception, so I am wondering if it's best to date a non-drinker.

I'm 45; divorced; ex is a gambling addict (hides it beautifully from most and actually is a good guy). Two great daughters. A baby died in between them (2001), so my pain and drinking increased, and his gambling increased.

Anyway, I've never had a dui, was not a "morning or daytime" drinker or bender-type, but I've read the criteria for an alcoholic, and I fill the bill. Kept convincing myself I could moderate and wasn't an alcoholic. Feel so blessed that I finally got real with myself. (Have tried to stop drinking in the past but was still lying to myself and didn't truly want to.)

So my question is, should I stay away from even casual drinkers, dating-wise? I don't think there's anything wrong with people who can drink okay--but I think it would make me feel like I'm missing something or tempt me, once again, to try "moderation."

I can't believe I'm really an alcoholic. This feeling of stunned shock at something I've known deep down. How could I have fooled myself all of this time?

doggonecarl

Welcome. Right now, with your decision to quit so fresh, you might want to focus on your recovery and not on dating ANYONE, drinker or non-drinker. If you have alcoholic tendencies, you are taking an important step in your life. You have your girls, take care of them, yourself, your recovery, and revisit the dating question in a couple months...you'll probably be able to answer it yourself. Again, welcome to SR and good luck.

CarolD

Welcome.....
Glad you are here and heading into a sober future.

The smell of alcohol is very offensive to me....so I gave up
both booze and men who smelled of it.....
I found plenty of interesting men who were non drinkers.
BTW....I was 52 when I quit...I was happily dovorced
A lot of younger men are more into healthy habits
I noticed.


All my best as you explore your new sober lifestyle....

Dee74

Hi musicwithin

I also find it beneficial to cool my heels a little on the dating thing - not only was I changing my life, which takes a lot of focus, but I was also unsure as to who exactly sober me would be.

It made sense to me to find that out before I made inroads into the dating scene again.

As for drinker or non drinker? It's a criterion for me but not the main one - personally, I think there's a lot of other things to consider before you decide whether you can be with someone or not

D

Kmber2010

Welcome Music....you have plenty of support here.

I think the posts here reflect the best course of action at this point. Focus on you and get to know who you are again. Sobriety and recovery was a turning point for me and I threw myself into it head first and well......as you see my recovery is now a solid part of my life and I work my recovery daily

While I don't disagree with pondering life after drinking.....I more or less cut off my social life. I didn't know who I was anymore and I was too busy doing the work on me and my self esteem. I have only now begun to become more social and explore ties again with my family, etc.

I had to safeguard my sobriety and I didn't need anything interfering with that until I had gotten the tools down and had enough "sober experience" to be able to make best decisions. This has been my experience and how I chose to handle alcoholism.

Aside from drinking/not drinking in potential dates.....I think by nature the dating game is an emotional roller coaster and a bit much for newly sober person to take on. The potential for a person who you think it all goes great.....ends with no promised phone call....could be a dangerous situation for someone is just walking away from the edge.

My suggestion is focus on you. Be a bit selfish - you deserve it.

All the best.

caribbean

My own experience as well is that there is far too much going on with me right now in early recovery for me to have anything to offer a partner at the moment. Heck, with spending 15-16 hours a week just on my recovery (meetings, reading, journaling, and travel time), there is no way I have any time left over for dating -- timewise, it's like I have a part-time job! Plus I am just going through so many shifts, constantly. I am grateful to be single right now and not dragging anyone else through that, or having to worry about anything related to a relationship.

When I do start dating again, I expect I won't be bothered if my partner is a "normal" drinker. If they want to drink alcoholically, though, it's not going to be a good match.

stugotz

Sometimes in early sobriety the need to "pair up" is merely a shot to our already low self esteem. Take your time and examine your motives. And remember if you have to ask if something is right, it usually isnt. Good luck and welcome.

Bobby

Welcome to SR music .. keep coming back :-)

jamdls

Welcome to SR Music. Like you I wasn't a morning nor daytime nor bender drinker, I drank 3-4 times a week and when I drank I drank too much/more than I intended/drank till I passed out etc. I was 50 and divorced when I quit drinking. Alcohol had been my constant companion, I don't think I ever went on a date without my "best friend', sir vino-- so giving up that alcohol was like a death of that 'friend'; I spent the first year of sobriety "mourning" the loss of my companion and learning to live (better) w/o the alcohol. I didn't date at all that first year because it was more important to focus on ME and that year of mostly solitude was about the most wonderful thing I've ever done for myself. Dating is difficult and early in sobriety I figured if I dated 1 of 2 things could happen:
1. I'd get really comfortable with someone and trust them and think "oh I can have a drink or 2 with this person" which of course would have led back down the black hole or
2. I'd get really comfortable and trust someone and then for whatever reason they would break up with me and I'd be so depressed I'd reach for my 'old friend' and drown my sorrows

I didn't want to risk either of those situations. Now I will go out with people that drink socially, meaning 1-2 drinks in a social situation I won't spend time with anyone that drinks daily even if it's 'just' 1-2 drinks a day because I can't stand the smell, it nauseates me. Just like the majority of non-smokers would never date someone that smokes.

endlesspatience

Trying to find a date is causing me massive amounts of trouble. I keep using alcohol to try to win my way into people's lives and overcome my inhibitions. Of course, it all gets horrible. God tells me to trust him and stop expecting other people to rescue me from the drink.

bdiddy5522

I have to agree with everyone else. Give yourself time to work on you first. Your title to this post is more proof that there is still work to be done. I would be willing to bet that after two days you are not "recovered".

That being said, once you are in a place to start dating again, I don't see a reason to not date a social drinker. But you have to be in a good spot to do that. My wife still has an occasional glass of wine, and I am fine with that. I can't expect others to stop drinking just because I have a disease. It would be like a diabetic not being around anyone that eats sugar.

Everyone is different, and you have to decide what you are comfortable with. But congrats on your desire to live a new, better life. The juice is worth the squeeze.

musicwithin

Thank you all for these insights--good ones. I'm only on day 3 of sobriety. Last night I had a few thoughts of the open bottle of wine in my fridge (which I will dump out asap) and felt a bit sad, thinking of my newfound title of alcoholic. Then I googled to see if there were hints on dating, and it was all people saying they were worried about dating a recovering alcoholic. That's me!

I'm off of work today because my girls are off of school (their dad will have them tomorrow), and I woke up HAPPY. Elated. No headache. Energy. Made the girls a great breakfast. I realized that getting through a slight hurdle last night was so worth it.

I've been separated/divorced for two years now. It took me pretty much this whole time to work through that and let go of any ill feelings (and accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices--which were basically made due to alcohol).

I did the one-night stands and brief dating. If my instincts tell me the guy and I aren't right, I let it go. This is a huge breakthrough for me, as I always rationalized or talked myself into staying with someone who wasn't right.

So yes-I'm not right for my right person now--yet. So, I'll have to do some more time and get good with getting sober, etc. I don't care about "going on a date" like to a movie, etc. And anyone I meet, I would have to know them a long time to make it exclusive, because I have learned the lessons about relationships. You can't hurry it. You can't listen to what someone says, either. You have to wait and watch what they do.

Regardless, I was wondering if there's any wisdom out there on dating if you're a recovering/recovered alcoholic. What you all said makes sense. My feeling for me is that I would only eventually end up with someone who doesn't drink or rarely, because I won't be getting to know a guy in the future by going to a bar or drinks and dinner.

Sorry to say that most every man I've been with has been met through a bar. Yikes.

I rarely go to bars anymore, except if arranged to meet up with girlfriends. And they know I'm not drinking alcohol now. Plus, I have my girls most days of the week, so dating much simply isn't an option.

I really appreciate your comments. This site is so going to help keep me on track. Thank you!

Bobby

Even if you don't post , just keep coming back and reading other post , it will help you keep things simple :-)

Itchy

First off I apologize for the long post I just wrote. Secondly thanks for being here, even though I am a non-smoker and non drinker, and recovering from both, I read here every night, and am inspired by my fellow recovering alcoholics and the wannabe's who are making a start. It does indeed take one to know one, and to apprciate them.



"There is no reason to ever quit... unless of course you had no plans to ever succeed... that is called ‘Delusional Success’" -- Doug Firebaugh

Think about that.

Why not date a non-drinker? Unless you have relationship issues as a trigger.

It seems I read a lot of posts about quitting quitting!

My wife of 39 years, and the love of my life, still smokes but outside, and still mixes up a scotch and water with a twist every evening after five or when she gets home from work, which is only three days a week.

There is scotch in the house and cartons of cigarettes. I always hated scotch except in coffee. I'd give away any beer or wine as she doesn't drink those if I had any left just so it doesn't go to waste. To a non drinker of course.

23 days ago I checked myself into detox, and started using the patches, and quit both at once. My drinking was my delusional success. The insanity is that it never really made me feel good, it just made me not worry about what is really fun, or let things slide without guilt until the morning.

Quitting smoking and drinking is what I have already succeeded at doing. For 23 days.

I retired again at 57 a bit over a year ago, I don't have to work, but enjoy challenges. I have a heckuva pension/medical for life. Our only debt is utilities. That said not to brag but explains the next.

Since about 1990 I drank only after work and weekends and never had blackouts or a lot of the other things I have read here. Before 1990 a six pack would be in the fridge for a month, and if I drank two fast I got a headache and felt bad right then and fine the next morning. From 1990 I was drinking six drinks in the evenings almost every evening, by the mid 90's I added a shot of the wife's scotch to one cup of coffee when I woke up. Tated really great and didn't get me high. I was an alcoholic but never admitted that possibility to myself.

I have read about folks asking if they fit some definition of alcoholic, and like the old saying that if you have to ask how much, you can't afford it, if you have to ask if you are actually an alcoholic the question has already been answered, by you! You see like the one about money, the question is the answer.

My story is simple, after retiring again I paced myself drinking beer and wine about one drink or two an hour and was never really any different emotionally or in behaviors from sober. Never had any DUIs wrecks or anything like that. About six months ago I had several coffes with scotch and switched to beer at 9 AM. Then paced all day steady but never sloppy drunk or slurring except on some rare occasions when I was in party mode. I started swelling and getting lazy and fat, and lost some muscle tone in addition to two knee surgeries and neck and back damage from my military career. I love to read and would sit all day reading my favorite authors. Sometimes I didn't leave my property for a week or two at a time, I didn't want to drink and drive. I wasn't afraid of a DUI, I might hurt me or my truck! I took no pain meds and still don't as they interfered with my drinking. One day I realized that I scheduled all my appointments and time out away from home in the early morning so I could get back home to start my drinking routine. I wasn't embarassed to have a beer in my hand when a repair person came out to fix the A/C or do an install. Life I thought was good and I was retired without a care in the world. About six months ago I started having "bad days" when I woke up and walked like I needed a walker and sat at the computer all day doing about four hours of volunteer consulting and technical writing a day, and normally wasn't out of my robe until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. About three months ago I started having bad days every day. Worse I had tremors even while drinking, my hands would shake. So for a week or two I decided that I would quit drinking because it did none of the things I expected it to do for me. It didn't make me happy just complacent about things I cared about. I'd not have a scotch in the first coffee and then rearrange what I would do that day so I could have two more Irish coffees. Which were enough to start the beer again.

I admitted I was an alcoholic since the mid 90's. Just to myself, and figured I had it under control. And was very successful in my life and still am.

Amazingly I have no tales to tell of anything being out of whack healthwise I have the bloodwork and blood pressure of a healthy 30 year old. But staggering around drunk or not, having blackouts or not, having trouble in my marriage and job or not, for me with my background I knew what had happened. My vision of retirement was a delusional success because I was bailing out on having a full rich life with at least ten more highly productive years ahead of me. I never went to bars as the cost of a beer wasn't worth the supposed camaraderie, again drinking not living up to its billing. I'm not cheap or can't afford it, I was never the bar type. A case at home was much cheaper and no driving under the influence involved.

But those shakes and weakness in not being able to do what I know I did just a year ago made up my mind, and see clearly what I was doing to myself. And that alcoholism IS a progressive disease. Dis-Ease!

I knew what I had to do, and made arrangements for detox and rehab on my quit date of my own choosing. I told the wife what I was going to do, and she was tickled as she was worried about me too. No she did not nag or do an intervention. Two weeks later I checked in which was 23 days ago.

They did the high dose librium thing and fast weening off and nicotine patches. I knew deep down in my soul that all I needed was to get it out of my system and I would take it from there with a little help from my Docs.

What amazed me is that the tremors stopped immediately, and I had no bad mornings even if they did wake us up at 5 am in hospital with a follow on 28 day halfway house program where we went to counseling daily and were free from 3 PM to 9 with chores. I met some really nice people there. I left that program after three days. It was my first and last detox, and while I have also read here that many are overconfident and that brings them down, and many have relapses, and had I had this issue when I was in my twenties or thirties I would probably have a few relapses too. If it had taken the whole program to do it, or a years worth I would have been there and going. BUt you see I used to teach alcohol rehab classes and was a counselor for a well health clinic at a university where we did not do addictions, but referred those cases to AA and AN or the appropriate agencies.

I am working out and pulled a chest muscle the first day! Riding all over town and seeing new stuff that wasn't there before. I have my life back. We ski ( on snow, down here they seem to think thereis another kind of ski sport involving sucking fumes from a boats behind) and we scuba, along ewith a lot of other things that we haven't done for the last 18 months. Sure I still have digestive and a few other symptoms of withdrawal, and feel so happy and energetic that no matter what is left on this journey it is piddlin stuff compared to being in a wheelchair and dead before my time. And I have several years worth of catch up projects to do to keep me busy. I am taking the physical rehab much slower now and figure in about six months I'll be good as new. And so will you. Things will go wrong, people I love will die, every once in awhile we'll have an argument, I will be around smokers and drinkers on occasion or more for the rest of my life. So what? While I was drinking I was around many non-drinkers who put it this way, I don't drink, I did once but decided to put it down. Now I know how they succeeded! I not only plan to succeed, I will not quit being a non-smoker an non-drinker.

"There is no reason to ever quit... unless of course you had no plans to ever succeed... that is called ‘Delusional Success’" -- Doug Firebaugh

Think about it.



Saving money? Not really because I am drinking 0 cal drinks about 50 a day.

Kmber2010

Keep it going Music.

I too met someone years ago in a bar and I eventually married him. He was verbally/emotionally abusive and I thank God everyday we got divorced....LOL.

Stay the course and focus on you.

Toronto68

Music, are you involved with somebody right now or you are only speculating? I think there is a lot of discovering a person can do about themselves when they reach the point of quitting. I don't pound on the table when I say this, but I buy into the idea of non-married people staying away from relationships and even "involvement" (anything from "just sex" to "just friends but with a twinkle in the eye") for around a year, so that the alcoholic can focus on and appreciate all there is to learn. Alcohol consumption is tied to the way we do things incorrectly, so we have to relearn things and go through the process of hating it and enjoying it independently. I think the premise is that you're better trained to handle relationships after getting used to handling yourself - after getting rid of the false and illusory friend (alcohol) that you had hung onto for some time.

Some people will say they cringe at the idea of being with someone who is in recovery as they are; others will be fine with people who are normal drinkers; and so on. I don't know the answer to this for myself. But if the main focus is the recovery, things can fall into place the way they ought to be later. That's how I like to look at it.

LaFemme

When I quit...I was thinking about dating right away too...you know why? Because I wanted to find a person to fill up the place in my life that alcohol had occupied. Its been over 3 months and i realize that I need the time on my own to figure out who I am before dating again. If I meet Mr. Wonderful on the train home tonight I wont not date him...but I would take it uber slow.

Snarf

Most people at my AA clubhouse say you shouldn't date anyone during your first year of recovery, drinker or otherwise. I can't speak to the wisdom of this, because I was in a 6.5-year relationship when I stopped drinking. My fiancee drinks a bit when she goes out with the girls on the weekend or at a football game or tennis match, but I guess it's what they call "social drinking." She's not like me; I would drink at a bar after work, in the car on the way home, all night at the house, when I was happy or sad, it didn't matter. I always wanted to drink.

But I've thought about it, and I think that if I were not in a relationship and were looking to date someone, it would probably be a woman in recovery. I'm not sure I'd want to share my history and the reasons behind my recovery with someone who may not fully understand it. My fiancee understands because she's lived with it for so long. But I think if I were not with her, I'd probably be most comfortable with another person in recovery. I hope that kinda makes sense. Good luck to you in this journey of recovery, and I'm glad you've joined us here!

getr345

The newly sober shouldn't be dating anyone, IMO.

Early recovery is a necessarily selfish ME time, 100% focus should go to the SELF but of course don't neglect the people who are already in your life like your children, your spouse and other family members. But until you get YOU in order, dating strangers should be put on hold and then when you do decide you're ready to date; you should be very careful to only date NORMAL drinkers, non-alcoholics, or non-drinkers if you can find one.

Until then, get a plant, get a pet...

Ananda

over and over i hear people say don't date in the first year...even though they did (or were married) lol

bottom line..stay sober...sure, there are benifits to having some time under your belt..but what i see time after time is that those who are gonna get drunk over a relationship do so...wether they wait that "magical year" or not.

My expereince is that I haven't had that sort of relationship or dating for 18 years...hasn't made me one bit more equiped lol...

As for THINKING about it...I see that as natural, and i think I am better served by thinking about it occationally so that i can see where i am at on this...

What I know for myself is that I have NEVER drank over a man..it may appear like i have to you, but it is simply another delusion.

all that said...today, with very little sobriety under my belt...I would date if someone I liked asked me. I tend to be attracted to very healthy males...so i have nothing to worry about ... they wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole