dealing with husband's relapse
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: NC
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dealing with husband's relapse
Hi, I am a wife of a recovering alcoholic who was sober for 1 1/2 years and recently relapsed back in august and has been handling it well but still not 100% there. He has had 3 bad days since then, today being one of them. I wondered where he was after work and called him and could tell he was drinking and told him I was picking him up. It's not him I was concerned about, it was the other people on the road if he decided to drive home. The thing is we have a baby and 5 year old daughter that witnessed it today. I told her he wasn't feeling well. He is a closet alcoholic who hides it and lies about it. He's not violent or mean, but he's definitely off the wall after he drinks. Any thoughts?
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Yeah, he's been in AA and has a sponsor. He has been working a lot since this summer and has failed to go to meetings like he should. He's a great husband/father when he's on his game. He knows it's his fault he relapsed and no one elses. I read other stories and my husband not like a lot of alcoholics I read about. So it makes me wonder sometimes. I don't let outsiders have an influence on my decisions because I do believe I have to support my spouse to a degree as long as there is no abuse of any kind other than what he's doing to himself and obviously I won't let him watch the kids (common sense) but I just would like to hear other views I guess, or other situations that may be similar and how to cope
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
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I guess to me, it's maybe more important that he make those meeting and work less? Of course, that's up to him and your financial situation.
I'd start there though. "Hey honey, maybe we can cut back somewhere so you can take an extra few hours a week to make those meetings.."
I'd start there though. "Hey honey, maybe we can cut back somewhere so you can take an extra few hours a week to make those meetings.."
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It is important and he knows it. See he and a former coworker opened their own restaraunt back in June and he's the chef. So he has had a hard time finding dependable people to work in the kitchen so he can get his time off I am a stay at home mom for the time being and he is the money maker. I will definitely keep posting.
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
I guess to me, it's maybe more important that he make those meeting and work less? Of course, that's up to him and your financial situation.
I'd start there though. "Hey honey, maybe we can cut back somewhere so you can take an extra few hours a week to make those meetings.."
I'd start there though. "Hey honey, maybe we can cut back somewhere so you can take an extra few hours a week to make those meetings.."
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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You're fine.
I would like to say sorry for my choice of words. When I said off the wall I meant just sloppy and goofy, where as when he is sober he is very laid back and mellow. He wouldn't have had contact with the kids if it wasn't for me pressing the issue of picking him up from his storage unit where he plays drums. He went there specifically so our daughter wouldn't see him like that. So it somewhat is my fault, because I. Could have just left him alone. But I guess in my head I was thinking better seeing him like that then not getting the chance to ever see him again
(Because I do have faith in hhim to stay sober)
I am also a grown up daughter of 2 alcoholic dads. Yes it sucks. As for my husband, maybe I shouldn't of stayed with him but he needs support and help too. Alcoholism is a disease not just a choice for him. When it comes to the kids I make sure the guard is up when this happens, but I also know that in time if it continues they will catch on.
The problem I am having is letting go and let God. Because I really believe we were put together for a reason.
I would like to say sorry for my choice of words. When I said off the wall I meant just sloppy and goofy, where as when he is sober he is very laid back and mellow. He wouldn't have had contact with the kids if it wasn't for me pressing the issue of picking him up from his storage unit where he plays drums. He went there specifically so our daughter wouldn't see him like that. So it somewhat is my fault, because I. Could have just left him alone. But I guess in my head I was thinking better seeing him like that then not getting the chance to ever see him again
(Because I do have faith in hhim to stay sober)
I am also a grown up daughter of 2 alcoholic dads. Yes it sucks. As for my husband, maybe I shouldn't of stayed with him but he needs support and help too. Alcoholism is a disease not just a choice for him. When it comes to the kids I make sure the guard is up when this happens, but I also know that in time if it continues they will catch on.
The problem I am having is letting go and let God. Because I really believe we were put together for a reason.
Originally Posted by Rayn3dr0p
Hi, Mare. Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's relapse. I really hope you don't take anything I have to say the wrong way; I'm only making observations that come from a place of concern.
"He's a great husband/father when he's on his game."
They're all "great" when they're "on their game." You say your husband isn't like a lot of alcoholics, but this is certainly one of the similarities that resonates in these forums.
"He is a closet alcoholic who hides it and lies about it. He's not violent or mean, but he's definitely off the wall after he drinks."
Again, they all lie, and they all try to hide it. As far as violence is concerned, my AXBF wasn't violent either, at first. Then, he started taking his aggression out on walls, doors, and dishes. Then, he actually pinned me down on the bed while yelling at me. If I hadn't left when I did, I can only imagine what might happen next. I wonder what you mean by "he's definitely off the wall after he drinks." Alcoholism is a disease that gets progessively worse over time, so just be careful.
"I do believe I have to support my spouse to a degree as long as there is no abuse of any kind other than what he's doing to himself..."
Abuse isn't always physical, nor is it always self-evident. Just the fact that you felt the need to reach out for support indicates that HIS drinking is having a negative effect on YOU. I guess what I'm trying to say is abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes we don't realize just how much and how deeply living with an alcoholic can wear down on our psyches.
"The thing is we have a baby and 5 year old daughter that witnessed it today. I told her he wasn't feeling well."
Just by exposing his children to his alcoholism, he is abusing them. Even though it sounds like you are doing everything within your power to protect them, children are little, impressionable sponges. What may seem like not such a big deal today could lead to many problems later in life. One of my close friends is the adult child of an alcoholic, and she still struggles with codependency and her own addictions (vicodin and pot) to this very day as a result.
"I just would like to hear other views I guess, or other situations that may be similar and how to cope."
My advice is, keep reading and keep posting. We are here for you!
"He's a great husband/father when he's on his game."
They're all "great" when they're "on their game." You say your husband isn't like a lot of alcoholics, but this is certainly one of the similarities that resonates in these forums.
"He is a closet alcoholic who hides it and lies about it. He's not violent or mean, but he's definitely off the wall after he drinks."
Again, they all lie, and they all try to hide it. As far as violence is concerned, my AXBF wasn't violent either, at first. Then, he started taking his aggression out on walls, doors, and dishes. Then, he actually pinned me down on the bed while yelling at me. If I hadn't left when I did, I can only imagine what might happen next. I wonder what you mean by "he's definitely off the wall after he drinks." Alcoholism is a disease that gets progessively worse over time, so just be careful.
"I do believe I have to support my spouse to a degree as long as there is no abuse of any kind other than what he's doing to himself..."
Abuse isn't always physical, nor is it always self-evident. Just the fact that you felt the need to reach out for support indicates that HIS drinking is having a negative effect on YOU. I guess what I'm trying to say is abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes we don't realize just how much and how deeply living with an alcoholic can wear down on our psyches.
"The thing is we have a baby and 5 year old daughter that witnessed it today. I told her he wasn't feeling well."
Just by exposing his children to his alcoholism, he is abusing them. Even though it sounds like you are doing everything within your power to protect them, children are little, impressionable sponges. What may seem like not such a big deal today could lead to many problems later in life. One of my close friends is the adult child of an alcoholic, and she still struggles with codependency and her own addictions (vicodin and pot) to this very day as a result.
"I just would like to hear other views I guess, or other situations that may be similar and how to cope."
My advice is, keep reading and keep posting. We are here for you!
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