Kerbcrawler

Hi All, yes confession time.. it came outa the blue, really without much pre,meditation advance planning or suchlike, 3 weeks or so ago, after pretty much 5 months close, i ended up on a four night drinking spree..why?how?,
well i had bought 3 bottles of wine,for my wife who has a bottle a night, reason for buying 3, they were on special offer, i had a small accident a fall at work, nothing serious, had a few days holiday time,off work,was friday night, grey cold wet miserable, had the bank harrassing us 3 or 4 times a day,
for loans taken out,that were being dealt with,by our agent who messed up and sent the papers,and agreement to the wrong place, wife was totally stressed out by this and started smoking again, well i picked up then, the first
glass of white wine,never my usual tipple..made me wanna gag..and i felt alien to what i was doing, the second, and rest of the bottle became the norm, so it was, continued 3 more days starting around lunch..till mostly eve and blackout,.. not good..was even smoking too..well went through again the blackness of old, the anguish,pity,horrors of what or who i might of offended, or mailed, all the usual, dismay at my predicament,was too light a word,..was in thick and deep again...able to hide away from the outside world,behind the curtains, with no work on, free time, a couple of daily sorties to the store to re,plenish stocks.., day 4, got to grips, and pulled it together..unfortunately didnt quite end there, went nearly 2 weeks clean, back at work an all, keepin busy and stuff, well again this fri gone had a bottle of wine after work, and beers, sat morn, raging hangover, goes around the store 11,am picks up a 6 pack of beers, hair of the dog, then proceeds to drink all that day and night, more beers and a bottle of wine,
sun 10/10/10, my new sober date.. as i spent sunday totally languishing in despair,self loathing,self anguish, embarresment, the works,
so thats that, its not easy to come clean on this..it happened and ive every intention of staying clean, its nipped in the bud, i know what triggers can come around and catch you off guard, coupled with personal troubles, that seem to offer every reason under the sun why its ok ,just this time to take a drink...Wrong...yes it happened and i see the pattern of easy repetition i can slip into again...so thats me guys..3 days in again, and gotta work harder to stay clean, and keep my sanity really.i had to update, thanks for SR..

Anna

I'm glad you're back Kerbcrawler.

Dee74

Good to see you back KB

Sometime when I drank, in fact, very often there was no warning, no signs, no triggers...I just drank....

for me thats why I always need to maintain my sobriety...it's like exercise to me - use it or lose it, whether I'm in trouble or not...I've tried to make my life as 'drunk proof' as possible - we all could be just one drink away from going back to where we left off...

D

Draciack

Welcome back Kerbcrawler

An old proverb comes to mind: Fall seven times. Get up eight.

Good to have you here

least

Welcome back. I'm glad you're here and starting over.

coffeenut

Glad you came back, Kerb.

Maybe your post will help someone else...who may think a relapse may be in their future.

LaFemme

Thanks for being honest man! Congrats on getting back in the saddle.

tjp613

Yeah, definitely thanks for sharing that with us. I know it wasn't easy. I am extremely grateful that you're back here.

This was a running theme in the meeting I was in last night. There were several people who had 5, 6, 9 months clean and made the mistake of going for that first one again... Some were able to stop themselves but only by the grace of God! They talked about how shocked they were to find how easy it was (or could have been) to just slip right back into that routine. And the old-timers shared about how many times they got in trouble with that kind of thinking, too....and that they FINALLY learned that they had to be FOREVER diligent, just like in their early days, because that little devil will sneak up on you and you've got a drink in your hand before you even know what hit you.

Seems as though you're in very good company.

Learn something here and try to do better. It's all you can do.

(((Hugs)))

yeahgr8

I did the same thing in 2008...i didnt change enough inside actually i changed nothing...so it worked out that all i had done is take 5 months between drinks...ill ask you what i got asked at that time what exactly are you going to do different this time?

Snarf

Welcome back, KC. That's a great sobriety date. 10.10.10.

CarolD

....glad to know you are back on track

Kmber2010

Welcome back Kerb.

I know that took a lot to share. You got this friend....we are here for you.

Fandy

it can just sneak up on you out of the blue...for no reason, and you make an excuse, even the weather works on your brain.

I'm glad you are back and realize you do NOT want to stay in that dark place.

Kerbcrawler

Thanks all..Really appreciate the understanding and support.. what to do different next time, handle these things better...realize caving into them..throws me right back into the bedlam and medlam..of complete mental mess up,and severe negative
crippling emotions... that hold me back and stop me progressing...for the sake of a quick hit/buzz, to get me out of the immediate unpleasant situation/state of mind, theres a big price mentally and physically to pay.. so 10/10/10 my new sobriety date, btw i think Dee had a great point of, you gotta constantly work at it,like a level of fitness, mentally and physically, to maintain your life without drinking, and have a happier calmer/peacefull state of being, Back on the case, taking no prisoners this time.. with persuasive/ kniving voices... thanks all..have a good day.

keithj

This is the exact nature of alcoholism as I know it, Kerb. That strange mental blank spot at times, where the alcoholic has no effective mental defense against that first drink. Chapter 3 of AA's Big Book contains two examples, as well as an analogy of this type of thinking, where one of the early members went on a binge after a little time sober., apparently out of the blue, 'not a cloud on the horizon' as it says. I've seen this exact same scenario play out hundreds of times with people around me. The sad thing fact is, it tends to keep playing out over and over, every time getting worse.

The only solution they had for it was a profound spiritual experience as the result of the 12 Steps.

Sean4988

Glad your here, good job in catching yourself and coming back

SparklingSeven

Glad you are back so quickly - taken me months/years in the past. Don't be too hard on yourself - I'm sure you will learn from this.

Best of luck.

Stu.

bellakeller

Hey Hey. My My.

So glad you made it back here and able to tell us the story so some of us don't have to go through the same. So glad you are alive.

Roadr440

Thanks for your honesty kerb that take courage and thanks for coming back here and post, some people never make it back. I look hard at posts like your’s and try and put myself in your shoes just to see what I would have done, well the first thing for me I hope I would play that tape over and over from the beginning to the end before I pick up and then I would think about bumping up my recovery program a couple notches, not picking on you Kerb, it’s like I said I look hard at posts like your’s, for me I don’t think I have another recovery left in me and not sure if I would make it back.

Like Coffenut said maybe it will help someone else, well you know what Coffenut was right!

Put everything into your recovery program KC and stick to it like glue. Surround yourself with recovery, throw yourself into it just like we do with our drinking. That’s the key I have found for me and it’s working so far and with everyone here on SR. Thanks for sharing and again I’m so glad your back.. Stay Strong! And keep Posting. And one more thing, “take no prisoners this time” I like that.

Road