My Own Withdrawal
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 15
My Own Withdrawal
Hi friends, I'm just having a terrible time and wondered if you would be willing to share your experiences with me? My AD went to a 90 day program a week ago. I began the first couple of days with what I believed to be calm, clear thinking to work on my own recovery. I was going to get my life in order. This was, after all, what I'd been praying for, right? However, what I've done for the better part of a week now is cry and stay depressed. I'm not sure, but am wondering since I stay so much "on guard" while she's here, angry at her, somewhat detached, etc., now that she's gone, the anger isn't here and I just miss her and am terribly sad.
It seems the more reading I do about codependency, the more depressed I become. I haven't exercised one single day, have barely worked, cleaned my house, and just want to withdraw from family. I don't mind being in Alanon meetings, because the people there don't annoy me ... they understand what I'm going thru.
Is this normal? In the past when I've grieved, I do come out of it. I just don't have the energy right now to do anything. I feel empty. Although I'm a widow, (3.5 years) I have been seeing a wonderful man who has been very compassionate as well as understanding of my situation. I've know him for years, and he remembers my AD prior to my husband's death and her addiction. Today, I set a boundary with him and told him I need some time to myself. That goes against my nature, and it was uncomfortable for me, because I normally think about everyone's feelings above my own. He took it very well, but then said, hey I still wanna come by and check on you. That's the whole point ... to be left alone. I then told him I would call or text him first. He said okay.
I feel like I'm losing it.
It seems the more reading I do about codependency, the more depressed I become. I haven't exercised one single day, have barely worked, cleaned my house, and just want to withdraw from family. I don't mind being in Alanon meetings, because the people there don't annoy me ... they understand what I'm going thru.
Is this normal? In the past when I've grieved, I do come out of it. I just don't have the energy right now to do anything. I feel empty. Although I'm a widow, (3.5 years) I have been seeing a wonderful man who has been very compassionate as well as understanding of my situation. I've know him for years, and he remembers my AD prior to my husband's death and her addiction. Today, I set a boundary with him and told him I need some time to myself. That goes against my nature, and it was uncomfortable for me, because I normally think about everyone's feelings above my own. He took it very well, but then said, hey I still wanna come by and check on you. That's the whole point ... to be left alone. I then told him I would call or text him first. He said okay.
I feel like I'm losing it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You have been living with alot of stress!
Sooner or later it wears a person down.
Taking some time to yourself makes alot of sense.
I hope you schedule in some ways to pamper yourself while you have this opportunity.
You have the time to feel your feelings that have probably been shoved aside...many are uncomfortable but they will pass and you will have the chance to make some choices about what is good for you and what you want.
You deserve your own happy life and all the time to yourself that you need.
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Sooner or later it wears a person down.
Taking some time to yourself makes alot of sense.
I hope you schedule in some ways to pamper yourself while you have this opportunity.
You have the time to feel your feelings that have probably been shoved aside...many are uncomfortable but they will pass and you will have the chance to make some choices about what is good for you and what you want.
You deserve your own happy life and all the time to yourself that you need.
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Sometimes when I go through a crisis, I only feel it when it's over. In the moment you feel the need to 'stay strong', but when you can break down you can.
You'll get yourself back. Just let yourself grieve over your AD and get over all of the emotions you have held back.
You'll get yourself back. Just let yourself grieve over your AD and get over all of the emotions you have held back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
dont be so hard on yourself, think we go through a grieving process, my therapist has even told me that. we get so caught up with their addiction with trying to control it and as you know our emotions are all over the place, we are like running on adrenaline..them boom, we feel alone and numb. I know with me it was when I let go. I would give it more time, its okay to sit back and take this time to relax, you have been through alot of stress, now your body/mind needs to heal now. glad to hear your friend understands, Im sure that helps you right now. feel better!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Be gentle with yourself. I fel aprt when my AD went into treatment. Combination of wanting it so bad and fear she would relapse, coupled with relief, stress of the bills it was incurring, etc. Give yourself a break. SOberforME made a good point about sometimes its AFTER the crisis we colapse..I know its true for me.Hang in there, stick with the program, stop reading the codie books right now if they are too much, keep going to meetings.This too shall pass.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It surprised me to learn that I was experiencing a form of PTSD, post traumatic stress. While I was dealing with my son's addiction and my mother's death, I ran on adrenaline and although I felt I had grieved, I hadn't taken time to work through it.
For me, I needed time to myself but I had to be careful not to just isolate while I did this. For a while, I did isolate. I went to work and did what I had to do but raced home to hide again when my day was done. I didn't want to interact with anyone, I just wanted my "peace" and to be alone.
With some encouragement from those in my program and here at SR, I began making myself take little steps, going out for an hour maybe, then home again. Then two hours. I volunteered at a women's shelter, which felt safe because nobody there judged me for what I was going through.
The thing is, I needed to be able to interact with people who cared about me, with family and friends who I had neglected for far too long.
My suggestion would be to not shut out people from your life, just make sure you take some quality "you" time each day.
You daughter will be okay or not, regardless of what you do or don't do. Saying a prayer each morning and giving my son to God's care helped me, still helps me today.
Time for you to do some healing. Time to face your pain and walk through it. It's hard, it hurts, but it's the only way to get through the pain to a better place of healing.
I don't know if this helps, but I do understand your pain and hope that in some little way it helps you to deal with it and move forward when the time is right.
Hugs
For me, I needed time to myself but I had to be careful not to just isolate while I did this. For a while, I did isolate. I went to work and did what I had to do but raced home to hide again when my day was done. I didn't want to interact with anyone, I just wanted my "peace" and to be alone.
With some encouragement from those in my program and here at SR, I began making myself take little steps, going out for an hour maybe, then home again. Then two hours. I volunteered at a women's shelter, which felt safe because nobody there judged me for what I was going through.
The thing is, I needed to be able to interact with people who cared about me, with family and friends who I had neglected for far too long.
My suggestion would be to not shut out people from your life, just make sure you take some quality "you" time each day.
You daughter will be okay or not, regardless of what you do or don't do. Saying a prayer each morning and giving my son to God's care helped me, still helps me today.
Time for you to do some healing. Time to face your pain and walk through it. It's hard, it hurts, but it's the only way to get through the pain to a better place of healing.
I don't know if this helps, but I do understand your pain and hope that in some little way it helps you to deal with it and move forward when the time is right.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
In the times that I've felt hope it is always tinged with fear - that this time it won't work, either.
Relief that she's making changes - desperation that it might not stick.
Joy that life may get better - deep depression and sadness that it could be only delaying the inevitable.
It's so hard to live like this. Not having any certainties and that is extremely stressful and crazy-making.
I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that I've felt it, too.
Relief that she's making changes - desperation that it might not stick.
Joy that life may get better - deep depression and sadness that it could be only delaying the inevitable.
It's so hard to live like this. Not having any certainties and that is extremely stressful and crazy-making.
I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that I've felt it, too.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Take the time you need to exhale...whew.
Do you have a sponsor through alanon? If not, this would be
the perfect time to make a commitment to ask someone at the next meeting.
Remember, there's a reason they call it a family disease.
Continuing to work your program, as you are, will be helpful so that you and your daughter will both make changes and have a healthier relationship in 90 days.
Do you have a sponsor through alanon? If not, this would be
the perfect time to make a commitment to ask someone at the next meeting.
Remember, there's a reason they call it a family disease.
Continuing to work your program, as you are, will be helpful so that you and your daughter will both make changes and have a healthier relationship in 90 days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 15
Thank you all SO much. I actually feel much better today. My alanon meeting last night dealt with sadness, what's behind it, and the difference in sadness and depression. I truly have felt like it is some form of PTSD. I believe my daughter also suffered it from watching her father die.
I don't have a sponsor yet. They have an unwritten rule in my group that you should attend at least 6 meetings before making a commitment to the program, but I'm looking for a sponsor and will give it a little longer to get to know the members at least a little better. Maybe one will reach out to me, but if not, I will ask someone.
I read this morning that sometimes our boundaries are like a drawbridge to a castle. We normally have the bridge down, but sometimes feel the need to raise it up. I guess the danger is in shutting everyone out. I know family and friends mean well, but maybe my insecurity about the whole situation makes me not want to discuss the details of it all with them. I don't like feeling judged: did she really want to go, do you think she means it this time, how much does it cost, how is this being paid for? So it's just easier to isolate. I became like this after my husband passed away because I felt I had no sanctuary (I live right next door to many relatives).
Thanks again for posting your experiences. This forum is really helpful. I'm going to do my daily readings, but take a breath and stay away from the heavier codie books at least for a little while. I can't seem to read without bawling every single time.
Take care friends
I don't have a sponsor yet. They have an unwritten rule in my group that you should attend at least 6 meetings before making a commitment to the program, but I'm looking for a sponsor and will give it a little longer to get to know the members at least a little better. Maybe one will reach out to me, but if not, I will ask someone.
I read this morning that sometimes our boundaries are like a drawbridge to a castle. We normally have the bridge down, but sometimes feel the need to raise it up. I guess the danger is in shutting everyone out. I know family and friends mean well, but maybe my insecurity about the whole situation makes me not want to discuss the details of it all with them. I don't like feeling judged: did she really want to go, do you think she means it this time, how much does it cost, how is this being paid for? So it's just easier to isolate. I became like this after my husband passed away because I felt I had no sanctuary (I live right next door to many relatives).
Thanks again for posting your experiences. This forum is really helpful. I'm going to do my daily readings, but take a breath and stay away from the heavier codie books at least for a little while. I can't seem to read without bawling every single time.
Take care friends
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I agree with waiting just a bit for a sponsor..you want to ask someone who has what you want..serenity,peace, happiness, sense of humor, whatever it is you want to cultivate.Keep taking good care of yourself..you are doing really well.
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