New Here - and Lost with my former addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
New Here - and Lost with my former addict
I don't know how long this is going to get.
I am new to this board, I thought I would try to find a support group for family and friends of former addicts.
A bit of back ground:
I have been with my husband for one year (wedding annv of Oct 4), we were together for 4 years before that. He has now been clean for 9 years. (Clean date of Oct 1).
He was a meth addict for 2 years +
He has a long list of drug and arms charges.
Ever since becoming clean he has had major anger issues
I worked very hard to get him a pardon - he was just awarded it this summer
He quit smoking about 3 years ago
We do drink occasionally, recently more - we have become wine enthusiasts
He used to be a happy but chubby kid.
He lost 60 lbs when he got clean in his 20's
He has since lost another 60 lbs or so and is now a gym monkey
His sports car was his obsession for the first 6 + years of being clean - now its his body and the gym
He spends over $500/month on supplements etc
Ok…so in my background here I am getting a bit more into the story.
Ill just start at the top, to avoid any questions later on:
We were dating, I was a stripper and he was clean. We met at work. We started dating, it got serious so I quit stripping of my own accord. I was never on drugs or booze while stripping, I did it to make money to get on the real-estate market.
He worked on his sports car all the time and started going to the gym with his neighbor in his apartment building. The Neighbor is a body builder and trainer full time.
Things went well for years. We moved in together, met the parents, got pets, bought a condo, renovated a condo(things got rough for a bit - blamed it on the rennos and him now on night shift), sold the condo and bought a house (he's still on nights, his body building is getting a bit crazy - 5 or 6 days a week at the gym for 3 or more hours, plus working full time) we got engaged (that was a rough day and he tried to make it romantic as he could, but the "mountain hike" turned into more of a "I have such awesome cardio, stop whining, we should go faster!" and by the time we got to the top, he asked and I felt I had to say yes) & got married Oct 4 2009.
In the spring of 2010 he wanted to do steroids. I protested to no end, but it was set in his mind. He tried his best to rationalize with me, I would hear none of it. We fought I don’t know HOW many times. Yelling, screaming, crying, lies uncovered (he had bought some oral steroids and not told me - he had not taken them yet out of guilt he says) He got rid of them, time passed and I put it behind us. He started to push for injectable steroids. I would have NONE OF IT. He pushed and pushed, taking me to doctors, sending me articles on how safe it was, taking me to nutritionists he had hired. All in a quest to get rid of some persistent loose skin around his belly (after all he did loose 120 lbs!) To appease me he looked into a tummy tuck and other surgery, he did not like the cost and recoup time and risks associated with it. He was back to pushing for steroids. I told him if he did them I would leave. He stepped off for a bit, then back to pushing me for my consent. NO! He took me to yet another nutritionist he hired for over $100/month for the next 6 months to put him on a strict diet and work out plan to make gains and look great. At this point I gave up. I said "Your going to do what your going to do, and I don’t like it and you know it but its your choice" He bought steroids that day. I was not worried about the steroids themselves becoming addictive, but the gains he would make would be come addictive for him. He would like what he sees, and want more, More, MORE…...
So he took injectable steroids, became puffy and angry all the time. One night we got into an argument and I had had enough of it. After name calling started I decided that was it. I went up to bed. He followed, angry that I refused to engage with him any more. He bashed the bedroom door in to get to me. (I was not concerned he would hit me) I kicked him out, he drove away drunk & I called the cops on him with his car and license plate number and direction he headed. (I called as "anonomys")
He came home, we talked he was remorseful. Life went on.
All this time he was on and off of night shift, his turn around were horrible. He would stay up for 36 hrs straight get up with only 4 hrs sleep, "to get stuff done" or to "be with the rest of the world". His work gave ample time for turn around, he just refused to think he needed rest. This compounded his anger issues and need to make gains by using steroids. He would drink from time to time. Sometimes I would get the happy loving funny guy and sometimes I would get the angry rage-a-holic, diet obsessed guy.
The diet became a big issue, as I have always been thin, so he figures I don’t understand where he comes from with being so admit about his diet. If I would have dressing on my salad, or sour cream with my potato, I would get that look….sometimes he even takes my plate away or takes some food or dressings off of my meals.
He has been on nights, I would eat and eat junk and more junk, cus its good! And it’s a coping mechanism I suppose, and it was a middle finger up at him. So now I have gained 40 lbs since our wedding. He is not attracted to me and never wanted to be married to a fat girl. (and im not even that fat!! Im still skinnier than most - not to sound witchy…)
We have become big wine fans, and took our one year annv in wine country. Came home with 13 cases of wine to last us the next year. We give some as gifts, we drink some at special dinners, take some to dinner parties, have it with friends over the holidays, etc.
So this last stint was what did it in for me…
Thurs night, he watching hockey with 3 guy friends. I come home at the start of the game. Say Hi, he's already drunk at 8pm… One guy was not drinking, the other 2 guys had a coupple of beer, but not much. Hubby is getting loud and rude and really annoying me. I don’t say anything….just stay away, knowing its boy time with hockey.
The night goes on, im hungry (missed dinner again due to my busy shced) I decided to make one pancake. He came up while I was cooking it. He laid into me about what im doing, why im fat, eating like this is why, blah blah blah. I said "I don’t want to start this right now, just go back to the hockey game) He started to get angry one thing leads to another and we are yelling at each other. He smashes the plate, tries to grab me, I fend him off. Run away, he pushes me to the ground yelling at me, I run away, he chases me, I try to kick him out, he wont go so I call for help, no one comes, so I get away and take off to my parents house. He went down stairs and started yelling at the guys how crazy I am.
I was covered in blood from scratches from him and me. I came back the next day to get clothing for work. He woke up and said he could not remember what happened last night. "you hit me" "No I didn’t, I pushed you" "Oh, so you DO remember"
I told him im leaving him, cus if this was someone else's life I would tell them to GET OUT! I cant be so naive to stay and wait for a third stint to escalate and find myself with a broken arm or black eye!
He went to his parents house for the weekend, took some extra days off work to take a look at his life. We have had a few phone conversations since then. Usually once per day. Some were good, some not so much. Its been about 4 or 5 days since this happened. I have told a few friends, most don’t know what to say.
He seems to think its all cus of night shift. I think its cus of the addictive personality and treating your body and the gym as your new "substance of choice"
We are planning to talk face to face tomorrow. I todl him he should stay away for 2 months and we can go to couceling together once per week during that time. After that he can move back in and we can continue conceling for at least 2 years. I feel like if I don’t stick to this, I am letting myself down. As I told myself if he did steriods I would leave, and I didn’t.
I don’t know what Im looking for or where to go from here….I just needed to rant to ppl who have no bias and have lived with ppl like him….
Is this an addict problem or is he just a jerk?
I am new to this board, I thought I would try to find a support group for family and friends of former addicts.
A bit of back ground:
I have been with my husband for one year (wedding annv of Oct 4), we were together for 4 years before that. He has now been clean for 9 years. (Clean date of Oct 1).
He was a meth addict for 2 years +
He has a long list of drug and arms charges.
Ever since becoming clean he has had major anger issues
I worked very hard to get him a pardon - he was just awarded it this summer
He quit smoking about 3 years ago
We do drink occasionally, recently more - we have become wine enthusiasts
He used to be a happy but chubby kid.
He lost 60 lbs when he got clean in his 20's
He has since lost another 60 lbs or so and is now a gym monkey
His sports car was his obsession for the first 6 + years of being clean - now its his body and the gym
He spends over $500/month on supplements etc
Ok…so in my background here I am getting a bit more into the story.
Ill just start at the top, to avoid any questions later on:
We were dating, I was a stripper and he was clean. We met at work. We started dating, it got serious so I quit stripping of my own accord. I was never on drugs or booze while stripping, I did it to make money to get on the real-estate market.
He worked on his sports car all the time and started going to the gym with his neighbor in his apartment building. The Neighbor is a body builder and trainer full time.
Things went well for years. We moved in together, met the parents, got pets, bought a condo, renovated a condo(things got rough for a bit - blamed it on the rennos and him now on night shift), sold the condo and bought a house (he's still on nights, his body building is getting a bit crazy - 5 or 6 days a week at the gym for 3 or more hours, plus working full time) we got engaged (that was a rough day and he tried to make it romantic as he could, but the "mountain hike" turned into more of a "I have such awesome cardio, stop whining, we should go faster!" and by the time we got to the top, he asked and I felt I had to say yes) & got married Oct 4 2009.
In the spring of 2010 he wanted to do steroids. I protested to no end, but it was set in his mind. He tried his best to rationalize with me, I would hear none of it. We fought I don’t know HOW many times. Yelling, screaming, crying, lies uncovered (he had bought some oral steroids and not told me - he had not taken them yet out of guilt he says) He got rid of them, time passed and I put it behind us. He started to push for injectable steroids. I would have NONE OF IT. He pushed and pushed, taking me to doctors, sending me articles on how safe it was, taking me to nutritionists he had hired. All in a quest to get rid of some persistent loose skin around his belly (after all he did loose 120 lbs!) To appease me he looked into a tummy tuck and other surgery, he did not like the cost and recoup time and risks associated with it. He was back to pushing for steroids. I told him if he did them I would leave. He stepped off for a bit, then back to pushing me for my consent. NO! He took me to yet another nutritionist he hired for over $100/month for the next 6 months to put him on a strict diet and work out plan to make gains and look great. At this point I gave up. I said "Your going to do what your going to do, and I don’t like it and you know it but its your choice" He bought steroids that day. I was not worried about the steroids themselves becoming addictive, but the gains he would make would be come addictive for him. He would like what he sees, and want more, More, MORE…...
So he took injectable steroids, became puffy and angry all the time. One night we got into an argument and I had had enough of it. After name calling started I decided that was it. I went up to bed. He followed, angry that I refused to engage with him any more. He bashed the bedroom door in to get to me. (I was not concerned he would hit me) I kicked him out, he drove away drunk & I called the cops on him with his car and license plate number and direction he headed. (I called as "anonomys")
He came home, we talked he was remorseful. Life went on.
All this time he was on and off of night shift, his turn around were horrible. He would stay up for 36 hrs straight get up with only 4 hrs sleep, "to get stuff done" or to "be with the rest of the world". His work gave ample time for turn around, he just refused to think he needed rest. This compounded his anger issues and need to make gains by using steroids. He would drink from time to time. Sometimes I would get the happy loving funny guy and sometimes I would get the angry rage-a-holic, diet obsessed guy.
The diet became a big issue, as I have always been thin, so he figures I don’t understand where he comes from with being so admit about his diet. If I would have dressing on my salad, or sour cream with my potato, I would get that look….sometimes he even takes my plate away or takes some food or dressings off of my meals.
He has been on nights, I would eat and eat junk and more junk, cus its good! And it’s a coping mechanism I suppose, and it was a middle finger up at him. So now I have gained 40 lbs since our wedding. He is not attracted to me and never wanted to be married to a fat girl. (and im not even that fat!! Im still skinnier than most - not to sound witchy…)
We have become big wine fans, and took our one year annv in wine country. Came home with 13 cases of wine to last us the next year. We give some as gifts, we drink some at special dinners, take some to dinner parties, have it with friends over the holidays, etc.
So this last stint was what did it in for me…
Thurs night, he watching hockey with 3 guy friends. I come home at the start of the game. Say Hi, he's already drunk at 8pm… One guy was not drinking, the other 2 guys had a coupple of beer, but not much. Hubby is getting loud and rude and really annoying me. I don’t say anything….just stay away, knowing its boy time with hockey.
The night goes on, im hungry (missed dinner again due to my busy shced) I decided to make one pancake. He came up while I was cooking it. He laid into me about what im doing, why im fat, eating like this is why, blah blah blah. I said "I don’t want to start this right now, just go back to the hockey game) He started to get angry one thing leads to another and we are yelling at each other. He smashes the plate, tries to grab me, I fend him off. Run away, he pushes me to the ground yelling at me, I run away, he chases me, I try to kick him out, he wont go so I call for help, no one comes, so I get away and take off to my parents house. He went down stairs and started yelling at the guys how crazy I am.
I was covered in blood from scratches from him and me. I came back the next day to get clothing for work. He woke up and said he could not remember what happened last night. "you hit me" "No I didn’t, I pushed you" "Oh, so you DO remember"
I told him im leaving him, cus if this was someone else's life I would tell them to GET OUT! I cant be so naive to stay and wait for a third stint to escalate and find myself with a broken arm or black eye!
He went to his parents house for the weekend, took some extra days off work to take a look at his life. We have had a few phone conversations since then. Usually once per day. Some were good, some not so much. Its been about 4 or 5 days since this happened. I have told a few friends, most don’t know what to say.
He seems to think its all cus of night shift. I think its cus of the addictive personality and treating your body and the gym as your new "substance of choice"
We are planning to talk face to face tomorrow. I todl him he should stay away for 2 months and we can go to couceling together once per week during that time. After that he can move back in and we can continue conceling for at least 2 years. I feel like if I don’t stick to this, I am letting myself down. As I told myself if he did steriods I would leave, and I didn’t.
I don’t know what Im looking for or where to go from here….I just needed to rant to ppl who have no bias and have lived with ppl like him….
Is this an addict problem or is he just a jerk?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
he has been off the steroids for a few months now.
Currently he is taking Human Growth Hormone.
He refuses to think it was any thing to do with his gym obesssion or his suplements.
He is blaming night shift and booze.
I just feel so lost and dont know what to do....
Do I let him back in?
Currently he is taking Human Growth Hormone.
He refuses to think it was any thing to do with his gym obesssion or his suplements.
He is blaming night shift and booze.
I just feel so lost and dont know what to do....
Do I let him back in?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I don't think I can be objective about this...when you posted that he took your foods from you and then said he wasn't attracted because you had gained some weight...well, I don't want that kind of "love".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
I agree with your statements.
And if it were anyone elses life, I would tell them to get far far away.
But its my life, and I find myself attempting to find reasons to TRY and work on it, at least one more time.
He does not take my food away all the time, but he did say those hurtfull things, and taking food away any time is inapropreate... and the things he said cannot be taken back, and they hurt...ALLOT
I dont know what to do, its only been a few days. We are meeting to talk tomorow, I plan to stay quiet and listen allot, go away and think allot.
I sure wish I could afford to take a coupple months off work to just figure things out....
And if it were anyone elses life, I would tell them to get far far away.
But its my life, and I find myself attempting to find reasons to TRY and work on it, at least one more time.
He does not take my food away all the time, but he did say those hurtfull things, and taking food away any time is inapropreate... and the things he said cannot be taken back, and they hurt...ALLOT
I dont know what to do, its only been a few days. We are meeting to talk tomorow, I plan to stay quiet and listen allot, go away and think allot.
I sure wish I could afford to take a coupple months off work to just figure things out....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am really sorry that this has happened in your life.
You invested in a marriage and future with this man.
But he is being abusive no matter what is said.
I know you would like for him to agree with you about what the problem is and then it could be fixed...I understand that thinking.
It didn't work in my case.
Actions speak louder than words and what can he say that will undo anything or guarantee that he will be a kind, loving mate?
Most of us here have learned that you can't reason with someone who is irrational, for whatever reasons.
And that both abuse and addiction ALWAYS escalate.
Why don't you get some counseling for yourself and give yourself time away from this situation for awhile?
You invested in a marriage and future with this man.
But he is being abusive no matter what is said.
I know you would like for him to agree with you about what the problem is and then it could be fixed...I understand that thinking.
It didn't work in my case.
Actions speak louder than words and what can he say that will undo anything or guarantee that he will be a kind, loving mate?
Most of us here have learned that you can't reason with someone who is irrational, for whatever reasons.
And that both abuse and addiction ALWAYS escalate.
Why don't you get some counseling for yourself and give yourself time away from this situation for awhile?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
I am going to get some indv councleing through my work.
I have told him he needs to stay out for at least 2 months. He wants back, says "if you told me to come home today I would." But says he understands that I need time too, and I should take as long as i want.
However, I think what will happen is that he will be away and get angry as time goes on that I have not let him back in.
He is all about instant gratification - classis addict behaviour.
I am a very strong person by nature, but when it comes to him for somereason i tend to cave - I suppose becuase when I dont, things escalate.
I just want to go away and forget about the last 5 years....Im only 26, how will I ever start over, and at the same time, im so young, why not start over. But who wants to be 26 and divorced...?
I have told him he needs to stay out for at least 2 months. He wants back, says "if you told me to come home today I would." But says he understands that I need time too, and I should take as long as i want.
However, I think what will happen is that he will be away and get angry as time goes on that I have not let him back in.
He is all about instant gratification - classis addict behaviour.
I am a very strong person by nature, but when it comes to him for somereason i tend to cave - I suppose becuase when I dont, things escalate.
I just want to go away and forget about the last 5 years....Im only 26, how will I ever start over, and at the same time, im so young, why not start over. But who wants to be 26 and divorced...?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Would you rather be 46 and have been beaten, abused, degraded and miserable for those 20 years?
You deserve so much better than that, and I wish you could see that you are worth so much more!!!
Each of us deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. For me, abuse is a drop-dead deal breaker. If some man laid a finger on me in violence, it would be the last time he would touch me, and the last time he would ever see or speak to me.
I wish you every good thing as you work through your decision.
Hugs, HG
You deserve so much better than that, and I wish you could see that you are worth so much more!!!
Each of us deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. For me, abuse is a drop-dead deal breaker. If some man laid a finger on me in violence, it would be the last time he would touch me, and the last time he would ever see or speak to me.
I wish you every good thing as you work through your decision.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Wow..that is alot of stuff going on. You are gonna do what you want, but your posts don't bode well for a happy future with this guy. and I sure as hell would want to be divorced at 26 and have a shot a new life if I was in this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
Again, I agree with you guys, if this was somone else life...but its so HARD when its MY LIFE....
I am a very strong person and I always said if he ever laid a hand on me I would be gone. But I find myself making excuses and finding reasons to stay.
I am just so confused and upset, angry, sad, depresed...on and on.
Im not suicidal or anythng like taht, but I sure am just bummed.....I stayed in bed till 10 am today, missing work this am, but made it in for the afternoon. I wish i could just sleep and it would all go away when i woke up.
he called last night, i didnt have much to say, he was annoyed that I didnt have a big thanks for him raking the leaves.... (I have allot of comments on that one)
we will be meeting today after work on neutral ground...i plan to do my best to shut up an dlisten....then give it at least a week untill our next meeting...
He had conceling today, I have an apt Fri (not the same person)
man oh man...that sure was allot of $$ to waiste on a wedding last year....
I am a very strong person and I always said if he ever laid a hand on me I would be gone. But I find myself making excuses and finding reasons to stay.
I am just so confused and upset, angry, sad, depresed...on and on.
Im not suicidal or anythng like taht, but I sure am just bummed.....I stayed in bed till 10 am today, missing work this am, but made it in for the afternoon. I wish i could just sleep and it would all go away when i woke up.
he called last night, i didnt have much to say, he was annoyed that I didnt have a big thanks for him raking the leaves.... (I have allot of comments on that one)
we will be meeting today after work on neutral ground...i plan to do my best to shut up an dlisten....then give it at least a week untill our next meeting...
He had conceling today, I have an apt Fri (not the same person)
man oh man...that sure was allot of $$ to waiste on a wedding last year....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm glad you are going to counseling, I think that is an excellent idea. My experience is that if a man is violent once, it is only going to get worse. I am really worried that he is trying to control your eating--even if it happens only a few times. That pattern of control is a worrisome sign. What you eat is your business. You have rights as a person, and being able to choose what you eat is one of them. Maybe a good place for you to start would be with sitting down and considering your boundaries. For myself, I would never allow a man to hit me/push me/degrade me/spit on me, etc. I have other boundaries, but that is one that is very basic to me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
yikes!
Better to get divorced at 26 than wait 10 years, continue to be degraded, disrespected and emotionally, verbally and physically abused... and THEN get divorced at 36 or 46 or 56....
All things considered Jewell, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. And an abusive, controlling man with an addictive personality doesn't change his spots either. So, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment for the rest of your life.
And taking your food and calling you fat is really wful and abusive. Why do you think YOU deserve such horrible treatment in a marriage? Marriage is suppose to be about love and respect and commitment. Why would YOU stay in a relationship that you would recommend that anyone else get out of.
Do you think he's going to change? Because that is out of your control. Nothing you do will get him to change. The only thing you CAN change is yourself and your situation.
Better to get divorced at 26 than wait 10 years, continue to be degraded, disrespected and emotionally, verbally and physically abused... and THEN get divorced at 36 or 46 or 56....
All things considered Jewell, a leopard doesn't change it's spots. And an abusive, controlling man with an addictive personality doesn't change his spots either. So, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with this kind of treatment for the rest of your life.
And taking your food and calling you fat is really wful and abusive. Why do you think YOU deserve such horrible treatment in a marriage? Marriage is suppose to be about love and respect and commitment. Why would YOU stay in a relationship that you would recommend that anyone else get out of.
Do you think he's going to change? Because that is out of your control. Nothing you do will get him to change. The only thing you CAN change is yourself and your situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You sound like a sensible person who will sort it out. My AD was very abusive to me for years and I allowed it for too long. It was bad enough having her attack me; I could not have dealt with my husband doing that to me. Now that my AD is out of our house, it has been better. We are sad for her but not constantly anxious/angry/fighting/disappointed. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
We met at a neutral location last night to talk. We came to the long winded conclusion that we will at least TRY to work on things. Its worth one shot, if this does not work, I will have to be done with our relationship.
We have had allot of happy times together and he is recognizing he has some vanity issues and anger issues. He is getting indv help, as am I and we will find a councler for us to go to together as well.
He had an apt before we spoke, she gave him a hand out on commitment, i found it odd that it was written and geared towards high school kids....
She told him he has anger issues and an eating disorder.
He is acknowlaging things need to change, he does not know how to change them yet, but realizing it first is a start.
We cant seem to leave anything on a posative note right now, ending our conversations when they are heated rather than when we come to an action item (we will go to councling and TRY to work on things - this is where we should end it, and instead we nit-pick on each other throw some sticks and stones and leave angry or fed up with eachother...) Something we need to work on.
he called after when i got home to tell me some nice things I wanted to hear and we left it at that.
I am very conflicted, but I do feel that I married him and made that commitment and I need to at least TRY. If it does work out great - happily ever after, and if not, at least I tried, so i know for sure.....
Its very exhausting emotionally.
We have had allot of happy times together and he is recognizing he has some vanity issues and anger issues. He is getting indv help, as am I and we will find a councler for us to go to together as well.
He had an apt before we spoke, she gave him a hand out on commitment, i found it odd that it was written and geared towards high school kids....
She told him he has anger issues and an eating disorder.
He is acknowlaging things need to change, he does not know how to change them yet, but realizing it first is a start.
We cant seem to leave anything on a posative note right now, ending our conversations when they are heated rather than when we come to an action item (we will go to councling and TRY to work on things - this is where we should end it, and instead we nit-pick on each other throw some sticks and stones and leave angry or fed up with eachother...) Something we need to work on.
he called after when i got home to tell me some nice things I wanted to hear and we left it at that.
I am very conflicted, but I do feel that I married him and made that commitment and I need to at least TRY. If it does work out great - happily ever after, and if not, at least I tried, so i know for sure.....
Its very exhausting emotionally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
I think not talking every day isa good idea, but hard. we have lived together for years, and he has been my best friend for so long. but at the same time, i need to address how i feel. I will try to make bi-weekly apt for myself for councleing.
I feel like ineed a sponsor to get through this all.....
I feel like ineed a sponsor to get through this all.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
you can have one..check out al-anon! It's free and helpful on many levels with all kinds of dysfunctions..not just addictions
if you talk everyday it will make it harder to not fall into same old patterns
if you talk everyday it will make it harder to not fall into same old patterns
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
i think you are doing the right thing. Giving it a try once again and working threw both of your issues not just his. hope things will work out for you - for both of you! in the mean time keep your head up! maybe you can both make a commitment to go to the gym together. he can train you while scaling back his own training and the added benefit for you will be loosing weight and feeling great! i would also recommend trying to run together - great relaxation and great exercise. Saved my life...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LittleJewel 
....Im only 26, how will I ever start over, and at the same time, im so young, why not start over. But who wants to be 26 and divorced...?
Better to be 26 and divorced than 26 and dead.
I was married to an abuser, and I was lucky to get out of that marriage alive.
My bar of standards got lower with each passing moment.
I too made excuses for his abusive behavior, and by the time I left that marriage, I was drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Please contact your nearest domestic violence center and see about getting some counseling there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
Co-Dependant Behaviours from me?
We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives... ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves. These are our problems.
Wow, does that EVER ring true to me....
and these too
Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
Overcommit themselves.
Feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
Believe other people are making them crazy.
Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.
Take things personally.
Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
Try to help other people live their lives instead.
Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
Appear rigid and controlled.
Worry about the silliest things.
Never Find answers.
Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
Wonder why they never have any energy.
Wonder why they can't get things done.
Feel controlled by events and people.
Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
Get depressed or sick.
Get confused.
Spend money compulsively.
Watch problems get worse.
Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
Stay in relationships that don't work.
Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
blame
Threaten
Beg
Brige
Advise
Say things they dont mean or things they dont understnad
Take themselves TOO seriously
Gauge thier words carefully to achive a desired effect (Im real good at that one!)
Talk too much.
Weak Boundaries
Codependents frequently:
1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2. Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3. Let others hurt them.
4. Keep letting others hurt them.
5. Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6. Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7. Finally get angry.
8. Become totally intolerant.
Refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
Lose interest in sex.
Make up reasons to abstain.
Reduce sex to a technical act.
Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
Combine passive and aggressive responses.
Be confused about the nature of the problem.
Not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
Wow....very interesting. I will be entrigued to see what the therapist has to say to me on Friday...
Wow, does that EVER ring true to me....
and these too
Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
Overcommit themselves.
Feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
Believe other people are making them crazy.
Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.
Take things personally.
Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
Try to help other people live their lives instead.
Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
Appear rigid and controlled.
Worry about the silliest things.
Never Find answers.
Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
Wonder why they never have any energy.
Wonder why they can't get things done.
Feel controlled by events and people.
Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
Stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
Get depressed or sick.
Get confused.
Spend money compulsively.
Watch problems get worse.
Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
Stay in relationships that don't work.
Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
blame
Threaten
Beg
Brige
Advise
Say things they dont mean or things they dont understnad
Take themselves TOO seriously
Gauge thier words carefully to achive a desired effect (Im real good at that one!)
Talk too much.
Weak Boundaries
Codependents frequently:
1. Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
2. Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.
3. Let others hurt them.
4. Keep letting others hurt them.
5. Wonder why they hurt so badly.
6. Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
7. Finally get angry.
8. Become totally intolerant.
Refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
Lose interest in sex.
Make up reasons to abstain.
Reduce sex to a technical act.
Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
Combine passive and aggressive responses.
Be confused about the nature of the problem.
Not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
Wow....very interesting. I will be entrigued to see what the therapist has to say to me on Friday...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 15
In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
1. Feel lethargic.
2. Feel depressed.
3. Become withdrawn and isolated.
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
6. Feel hopeless.
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
8. Think about suicide. (not on the table for me...)
9. Become violent.
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
11. Experience an eating disorder (over - or under eating).
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.''
Wow...completly summs me up....
1. Feel lethargic.
2. Feel depressed.
3. Become withdrawn and isolated.
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
6. Feel hopeless.
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
8. Think about suicide. (not on the table for me...)
9. Become violent.
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
11. Experience an eating disorder (over - or under eating).
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.''
Wow...completly summs me up....
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