jen928

My mom is a lifelong alcoholic; she was sober for four years and then relapsed about 1 1/2 years ago. Before she sobered up she was in the hospital for almost two weeks and diagnosed with varices, end stage liver disease, etc. She had regained her health while sober. She has begun drinking cheap vodka and smirnoff ice in an attempt to hide her drinking.
My son (3 1/1 years old) and I visited her many times over the summer and really enjoyed our time with her. As her drinking increased I slowly began to realize that I could no longer continue to visit her. Our last trip consisted of her getting drunk and passing out by 7pm, with my son asking me what was wrong with Grammy. Was Grammy sleeping again, etc etc. I made the decision to draw a line in the sand and tell her that we would stay with her until she could get her life back on track IF she was willing to go with us to the hospital. If she was unable to do this then we would no longer come to visit her, accept phone calls, etc. I explained that I could not allow my son to watch his grandmother in this condition. I grew up watching her pass out every night after dinner (my mom was a functioning alcoholic for many many years). I don't want him to see the same as I did.
She unfortunately did not take my offer and I have cut off all contact with her. We have not spoken for three weeks. During that time I celebrated my 31st birthday and she did not call, send a card, etc.
My mom and I used to be very close for years we talked every day for an hour. Sometimes we would speak more then once a day. I have been a stay at home mom for the past year and I have really taken advantage of being able to travel to see her. My son and I spent almost two weeks a month at her house over the spring and summer.
The point of this email is I want to talk to my mom. I want to visit my mom. My son misses his Grammy and I'm afraid that if we don't go to see her now while she is still somewhat functioning, the next time we'll see her will be when she is in the hospital. I need some guidance on how to proceed. Should I contact her? I broke down and called her boyfriend last week. According to him, she is still drinking but has stopped drinking liquor and he won't allow her to drink in his house. But he said she is drinking wine (which prior to sobriety was her drink of choice, particularly Port win). I just want to see my mom.

DesertEyes

Hello there jen

I think it is awesome that you are protecting your son. As a child of alkies I know how priceless that is.

well.... it's hard to give you suggestions with just what you have shared. The first questions that come to mind are whether you are going to al-anon or CODA meetings? do you have a sponsor? do you have friends in recovery that you can talk to in real life?

Then there's the standard questions about "boundaries". The purpose of a boundary is to protect your own needs, and your sons. Nothing more. A boundary is _not_ designed to make _them_ change, because nobody can change another person. They have to do their own changing.

If your objective is to force her into treatment, then it is called an "intervention", and that is a whole different issue that only works if you have a professional from the hospital coordinate the effort. Perhaps you have a little of "boundary" mixed in with "intervention"?

So my suggestion is to write down exactly how you need to protect _you_ from your mother's behavior. Perhaps refusing her calls is a useful protection, but maybe you can decide that if you are feeling in a particularly strong place you will call her.... but only for 10 minutes..... and if she is slurring her words you will just tell her that you will call back some other time.

There are many different ways you can protect yourself without having to go _totally_ "no contact". You can make it a "shades of gray" kind of thing and tailor it to your needs, and change the rules from one day to the next as you see fit.

Am I making sense with that?

Mike

jen928

Mike, you are definitely making sense. It's hard to know what is best sometimes. Throughout my life, and my mom's alcoholism, we still were very close. Her relapse is hard for me bc I watched her drink herself almost to death once before and I was the one that had to clean up a lot of her mess. I am an only child, only grandchild and have no cousins or close family to lean on during this or in the past.
I am trying desperately to make the best decisions for myself and my son but it is hard when you are so close to someone. These past three weeks have been the longest my mom and I have not spoken to each other.
As for my decision, I suppose it was in part half intervention and half setting boundaries. I did do an intervention for my mom about 7 years ago and it didn't work. I knew that telling her to get help or end the relationship between myself and my son probably wouldn't work but I didn't know what else to do. The first intervention I did have help from a professional but this time I just called the hospital where she lives for some info on what to do and what will happen if I was able to get her to admit herself.
I am worried that my "no contact order" will continue until I get a call and she's in the hospital dying. I worry that my son will never see his grandmother again. He misses her. He called her the other day and left her a message. I can't stop him from missing her or wanting to visit her and it just breaks my heart.
In all honesty, no matter how much it hurts me to see her dying from her alcoholism...I still want her to be a part of my son's life but I just can't bring myself to visit for fear that she will be drunk and my son will start to absorb the effects of her drinking.
I knew it would be hard to cut her completely out of my life but I do feel it SHOULD be the best thing....but as I said, I can't help but to think the next time I see her, it will be in a hospital.
I just have no idea how someone with end stage liver failure can continue to drink before her body starts shutting down again. I don't want my son's last memory of her to be in the hospital.

SoloMio

I understand all the pain you are experiencing--the loss of your mom, the disappointment that she didn't continue a sober life, the desire to have your son have a good, healthy relationship with his grandmother, the fear of what she is doing to her body, the wish to do "the right thing" for everyone involved.... it's overwhelming.

I have felt all of those things, too. The best thing to do is not project--you don't know that she's going to wind up in a hospital, you don't know how numbered her days are. As Mike said, do what's best for you at this moment. Those boundaries truly are for you and you alone. She is making her choices, and you can't change those. If you can see her as an entity completely separate from yourself, that may help. I find that when I do that it's easier to accept them for who they are, forgive them, and move on with my own life. That kind of detachment may also help you make your own decisions about boundaries.

sunshine321

Maybe pray on it and do what is in your heart. My understanding is boundaries are flexible and therefore can be moved. There are many ways to set them so they are not concrete walls. Maybe you won't actually stay with her but visit at a time of day when she hasn't begun her drinking. You have to do what is right for you and your son because in the end when she is gone, you have to live with the decisions you've made.

Peace,
Jen

Sasha4

I have no wise words for you.

I just want you to know I am thinking of you.

I have a little baby girl and I know how important it is to have your mum around. How nice it is to spend time together.

Could you maybe agree that if you do see her she has not being drinking recently? And put other boundries and rules in place?

Another thing to be wary of is that she may blame you for her drinking, as a result of you and your son not visiting anymore. That is really not the case, but the games alcoholics play, may lead to this.

xx

DesertEyes

I don't think it's possible to figure out what is "best". All we can do is the "best" we can with the information we have at the time, and let the HP worry about the rest.

That was then. Today you are much wiser, and she is much sicker. Maybe you can get an intervention put together and ready to go. Then you just keep it on the back burner just in case you decide you want it. Or not.

See her how? Drunk, stumbling and slurring her words? Whose fault is it that you need to protect your son from the impact of a drunken role model?

well of course, that's exactly why alcoholism is such a horrid addiction. That's why it takes world wide groups like al-anon and CODA and therapists and books and places like SR to help us deal with it.

That's actually a good thing. That means that _you_ have not picked up the alcoholic "genes" and your son will have a good mother.

Perhaps that is the real "line in the sand". Perhaps if you structure your "boundaries" around your son's needs as well as your own you will be able to arrive at a balance that you can live with. Nobody is ever _comfortable_ with boundaries, not at all, they're allways a guilt-ridden hardship.

As others have posted, you can modify your boundaries and give them some flexibility as you see fit. As long as you decide on what the ultimate goal is, then it becomes much easier to live with your decisions.

Mike

jen928

Every single one of you has such good advice, ALWAYS.
I think modifying my boundaries is a good idea. Not that I'm going to rush to pick up the phone. I definitely will sit on this for a little while and call when I'm ready. Honestly, I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm not detached enough yet to have just a simple, "hey mom how ya doin?" kinda conversation without me bringing up the drinking. And if I bring up the drinking, you might as well bring out the violins bc I'll be a crying emotional wreck for days. I'm not willing to go there anymore.
It's hard but I think what I've done is right for me, my son and my mom (even though she might not know it).
I just hope I can stay as strong as I feel right now for a few more days. It's definitely a rollercoaster, this ride on the alcoholism train. No fun and I wanna get off.