Line in the sand, but should it be crossed
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Line in the sand, but should it be crossed
My mom is a lifelong alcoholic; she was sober for four years and then relapsed about 1 1/2 years ago. Before she sobered up she was in the hospital for almost two weeks and diagnosed with varices, end stage liver disease, etc. She had regained her health while sober. She has begun drinking cheap vodka and smirnoff ice in an attempt to hide her drinking.
My son (3 1/1 years old) and I visited her many times over the summer and really enjoyed our time with her. As her drinking increased I slowly began to realize that I could no longer continue to visit her. Our last trip consisted of her getting drunk and passing out by 7pm, with my son asking me what was wrong with Grammy. Was Grammy sleeping again, etc etc. I made the decision to draw a line in the sand and tell her that we would stay with her until she could get her life back on track IF she was willing to go with us to the hospital. If she was unable to do this then we would no longer come to visit her, accept phone calls, etc. I explained that I could not allow my son to watch his grandmother in this condition. I grew up watching her pass out every night after dinner (my mom was a functioning alcoholic for many many years). I don't want him to see the same as I did. My choice was for her to get help or for us not to be a part of her life until she regained her soberity
She unfortunately did not take my offer and I have cut off all contact with her. We have not spoken for three weeks. During that time I celebrated my 31st birthday and she did not call, send a card, etc.
My mom and I used to be very close for years we talked every day for an hour. Sometimes we would speak more then once a day. I have been a stay at home mom for the past year and I have really taken advantage of being able to travel to see her. My son and I spent almost two weeks a month at her house over the spring and summer.
The point of this email is I want to talk to my mom. I want to visit my mom. My son misses his Grammy and I'm afraid that if we don't go to see her now while she is still somewhat functioning, the next time we'll see her will be when she is in the hospital. I need some guidance on how to proceed. Should I contact her? I broke down and called her boyfriend last week. According to him, she is still drinking but has stopped drinking liquor and he won't allow her to drink in his house. But he said she is drinking wine (which prior to sobriety was her drink of choice, particularly Port win). I just want to see my mom.
My son (3 1/1 years old) and I visited her many times over the summer and really enjoyed our time with her. As her drinking increased I slowly began to realize that I could no longer continue to visit her. Our last trip consisted of her getting drunk and passing out by 7pm, with my son asking me what was wrong with Grammy. Was Grammy sleeping again, etc etc. I made the decision to draw a line in the sand and tell her that we would stay with her until she could get her life back on track IF she was willing to go with us to the hospital. If she was unable to do this then we would no longer come to visit her, accept phone calls, etc. I explained that I could not allow my son to watch his grandmother in this condition. I grew up watching her pass out every night after dinner (my mom was a functioning alcoholic for many many years). I don't want him to see the same as I did. My choice was for her to get help or for us not to be a part of her life until she regained her soberity
She unfortunately did not take my offer and I have cut off all contact with her. We have not spoken for three weeks. During that time I celebrated my 31st birthday and she did not call, send a card, etc.
My mom and I used to be very close for years we talked every day for an hour. Sometimes we would speak more then once a day. I have been a stay at home mom for the past year and I have really taken advantage of being able to travel to see her. My son and I spent almost two weeks a month at her house over the spring and summer.
The point of this email is I want to talk to my mom. I want to visit my mom. My son misses his Grammy and I'm afraid that if we don't go to see her now while she is still somewhat functioning, the next time we'll see her will be when she is in the hospital. I need some guidance on how to proceed. Should I contact her? I broke down and called her boyfriend last week. According to him, she is still drinking but has stopped drinking liquor and he won't allow her to drink in his house. But he said she is drinking wine (which prior to sobriety was her drink of choice, particularly Port win). I just want to see my mom.
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This is really a tough one, because it's axiomatic in Al-Anon and other 12-step programs that you never issue an ultimatum unless you're going to make it stick. By doing that, you're telling your mother that she can ignore your boundaries (and the ultimatum) and just keep on drinking, and when push comes to shove, you'll wimp out and put up with it.
But on the other hand, ya, making it stick is tough on you, because there is certainly the possibility that, like a lot of drunks, she'll choose the sauce over you and her grandson. A lot of alcoholics die drunk, and that does not seem unlikely, from the way you describe it.
So... no advice here -- it's a tough call. Been there, done that, didn't like to have to do it. However, going back and reading your message again, I see it's only been three weeks since you cut off contact. That's not very long at all -- she might be more responsive if, say, a year or two goes by and you've stuck to your ultimatum. Giving in after only three weeks would tell her that you didn't really mean it, so she can keep right on at it...
T
But on the other hand, ya, making it stick is tough on you, because there is certainly the possibility that, like a lot of drunks, she'll choose the sauce over you and her grandson. A lot of alcoholics die drunk, and that does not seem unlikely, from the way you describe it.
So... no advice here -- it's a tough call. Been there, done that, didn't like to have to do it. However, going back and reading your message again, I see it's only been three weeks since you cut off contact. That's not very long at all -- she might be more responsive if, say, a year or two goes by and you've stuck to your ultimatum. Giving in after only three weeks would tell her that you didn't really mean it, so she can keep right on at it...
T
Last edited by tromboneliness; 10-12-2010 at 07:53 AM. Reason: Added to the last paragraph
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T
Yes, I knew it would be hard to stick to this ultimatum. You just never know how hard something is going to be until your there. The only thing that's making me question my decision is the fear of her dying a drunk and us never regaining any type of contact.
Someone suggested that if I must call her then call her in the morning when she hasn't been drinking. The problem is, on her days off from work, I know she's drinking first thing in the morning (if not, right after her coffee). To be honest, I have no idea how she is still maintaining a job. But that's neither here nor there.
It's just too sad to contact her. I miss those four sober years I had with her. Just wish I could get them back.
Yes, I knew it would be hard to stick to this ultimatum. You just never know how hard something is going to be until your there. The only thing that's making me question my decision is the fear of her dying a drunk and us never regaining any type of contact.
Someone suggested that if I must call her then call her in the morning when she hasn't been drinking. The problem is, on her days off from work, I know she's drinking first thing in the morning (if not, right after her coffee). To be honest, I have no idea how she is still maintaining a job. But that's neither here nor there.
It's just too sad to contact her. I miss those four sober years I had with her. Just wish I could get them back.
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I'm having a similar problem with my husband. He was sober for a few years, and I really liked it, and I thought he was done drinking. He then went back to drinking, and I've been through the cycle too many times to count.
I think with your mom you could accept that she drinks now, and try to come up with a reasonable compromise. You have the right to change your mind about seeing her again. You need to accept her as she is though.
I know the feelings. I know that I feel frustrated and angry, and I want to "make" him see how much "he" hurt me. I think when it hit me that I was slipping into my illusion of control is when I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment. I can only change myself.
If depriving yourself of seeing her is too hard then maybe limited contact is better. You will figure out something that works out for you.
(((((hugs)))))
I think with your mom you could accept that she drinks now, and try to come up with a reasonable compromise. You have the right to change your mind about seeing her again. You need to accept her as she is though.
I know the feelings. I know that I feel frustrated and angry, and I want to "make" him see how much "he" hurt me. I think when it hit me that I was slipping into my illusion of control is when I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment. I can only change myself.
If depriving yourself of seeing her is too hard then maybe limited contact is better. You will figure out something that works out for you.
(((((hugs)))))
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Hi jen,
it's been awhile since you posted this, and I don't know if you're still following this thread.
You got me a bit confused with her liver disease and sobbering up, and reganing her heath, I guess it is to do with my English not being so great, but I didn't really understand how long ago your mum was diagnosed with end stage liver disease. But regardless of the fact when this was, I know one thing for sure, once your liver gets damaged from alcohol abuse, regardless of the fact how well you get, once you start drinking again the liver gets into the same shape it was when at its worse.
I'm not saying this to upset you, but since you're trying to make some important decisions, I was thinking you should consider all the facts.
Since you asked for advice, mine is Do whatever your hearth tells you to. Don't do things only because you're hoping they'll provoke some reaction from your mum. I you want to talk with your mum, spend time with her, than do so, until you feel diferent. No contact is important, but only if it is doing you good, if you're not there emotionaly I don't think there is much point in sticking with it.
I wish you well
it's been awhile since you posted this, and I don't know if you're still following this thread.
You got me a bit confused with her liver disease and sobbering up, and reganing her heath, I guess it is to do with my English not being so great, but I didn't really understand how long ago your mum was diagnosed with end stage liver disease. But regardless of the fact when this was, I know one thing for sure, once your liver gets damaged from alcohol abuse, regardless of the fact how well you get, once you start drinking again the liver gets into the same shape it was when at its worse.
I'm not saying this to upset you, but since you're trying to make some important decisions, I was thinking you should consider all the facts.
Since you asked for advice, mine is Do whatever your hearth tells you to. Don't do things only because you're hoping they'll provoke some reaction from your mum. I you want to talk with your mum, spend time with her, than do so, until you feel diferent. No contact is important, but only if it is doing you good, if you're not there emotionaly I don't think there is much point in sticking with it.
I wish you well
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Thanks everyone for your replies and Sesh, I am still following this thread. I decided last week that I wanted to regain contact with her. I have called her every day for the past week. I have heard nothing from her. I have left two messages asking her to call me. I figure I will continue to call her every day until I hear something from her or someone else. I figure until I hear something, she's in the hospital, she's dead, or from her calling me, I will just continue to call. It would personally really mess me up emotionally if she were to drink herself to death without any type of contact from me.
Sesh, my mom has been drinking my entire life. I called the AA hotline when I was 8 to ask if my mom was an alcoholic...I'm 31 now. She quit drinking after spending two weeks in the hospital almost 5 years ago, this is when she was diagnosed with end stage liver failure and many other drinking induced health issues. She was sober for almost 3 years...but not this past winter but the winter before (in 2009) she started drinking again. Which of course started out casually/socially and quickly spiraled out of control and to almost a daily drink, which is where she is now, drinking heavily everyday...to the point of passing out drunk nightly.
maybe one of these mornings she'll actually pick up the phone and let me know she is alive. My 3 year old son has even left her a message. He misses her a lot and asked to call her two weeks ago, I let him. He left her a message and we still haven't heard from her.
Alcoholism is heartbreaking and I hate it.
Sesh, my mom has been drinking my entire life. I called the AA hotline when I was 8 to ask if my mom was an alcoholic...I'm 31 now. She quit drinking after spending two weeks in the hospital almost 5 years ago, this is when she was diagnosed with end stage liver failure and many other drinking induced health issues. She was sober for almost 3 years...but not this past winter but the winter before (in 2009) she started drinking again. Which of course started out casually/socially and quickly spiraled out of control and to almost a daily drink, which is where she is now, drinking heavily everyday...to the point of passing out drunk nightly.
maybe one of these mornings she'll actually pick up the phone and let me know she is alive. My 3 year old son has even left her a message. He misses her a lot and asked to call her two weeks ago, I let him. He left her a message and we still haven't heard from her.
Alcoholism is heartbreaking and I hate it.
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Hi Jen,
Very sorry you are going through this. Do you mind if I ask, do you have brothers and sisters? Aunts or uncles? Is your dad still around?
I like Sesh's answer. At this stage NC probably is not going to achieve anything unless it helps you. Hugs to you and your little fella.
And yes, alcohol and addiction are evil! God, what harm they do!
Very sorry you are going through this. Do you mind if I ask, do you have brothers and sisters? Aunts or uncles? Is your dad still around?
I like Sesh's answer. At this stage NC probably is not going to achieve anything unless it helps you. Hugs to you and your little fella.
And yes, alcohol and addiction are evil! God, what harm they do!
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So sorry you're going though this Jen. I can understand your heartache and worry. It is hard and heavy. My dad passed away, due to alcoholism related illness, when I was 26, he was an A all my life. Started getting sick when I was 12, and since than until he died, every year he'd end up in hospital with one thing or the other, quite a few times nearly dieing, but he never stopped drinking. His addiction was stronger than him, I'm afraid. NOthing we can do about that, the only thing we can do is try and find peace with it and work on our own recovery.
I think that thing that was really helpful to me when I was a child was that I never expected my dad to change. The idea he might be different from what he was never crossed my mind, I don't know why is that so, but as painful as that is I believe that was the very things that spared me some great agony. I believe our expectations play a big part in our dealings with pain, and our path to acceptance.
I'm sorry you're unable to reach your mum. I can only imagine how is that making you feel. Can you phone her boyfriend again?
I think that thing that was really helpful to me when I was a child was that I never expected my dad to change. The idea he might be different from what he was never crossed my mind, I don't know why is that so, but as painful as that is I believe that was the very things that spared me some great agony. I believe our expectations play a big part in our dealings with pain, and our path to acceptance.
I'm sorry you're unable to reach your mum. I can only imagine how is that making you feel. Can you phone her boyfriend again?
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Jen, I too agree with Sesh. My father was an A and died from it when I was 19. I also never had any expectation that he would change. I do recall as a young one, maybe 10, 11 telling him he needed to quit. His answer was that he would never quit and I left it at that. It is so painful to watch this horrible disease take over a person and make them so unwilling to put it aside for the things that are most important. I know my dad loved me and I don't regret loving him back. I guess I accepted it. I pray your mom responds to your attempt to see her. Take care of yourself.
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Still no response from my phone calls. I only leave messages every few days but I call every morning. I figure maybe one morning she will answer. I think I made a bad decision by cutting her out of my life. I rarely regret decision I make, bad decisions are just life's lessons but I do believe I am beginning to regret this one.
I have been cleaning out our storage room and this afternoon I came across two books my mom gave me about 10 years ago. One still had my birthday card in it from her. I started crying while reading it and my 3 year old saw me. I tried to hide it but he saw my tears and asked why I was crying. Trying my hardest to hold it together but when coming across reminders of her really affect me.
Hollyanne, nope, no brothers/sisters. I am actually an only child and an only grandchild. I have no cousins. My mom's brother is also an alcoholic and I haven't seen him in at least two years and that was just a passing visit, prior to that, I hadn't seen him since 2003, when my grandma passed. My dad is around but he is not much support. He has started drinking more and more (was never an alcoholic but loved a nice cold beer on occasion). Now it seems he is enjoying those beers more and more frequently and him and my stepmom (who is awesome) seem to be strained...which has affected my relationship with my stepmom.
I do have my own family, my partner and myself have a three 1/2 year old little boy and I have a 14 year old stepson. They try to be there for me as best as they can. Fortunately, they have never been exposed to alcoholism like I have so they don't have a very good understanding of how it affects someone.
On a side note....in the stack of books I was going through (in which I found the ones from my mom) was my old AL-Anon book....added that to my stack of books heading to my bedroom for reading. Ironic that it was right below the books from my mom.
I have been cleaning out our storage room and this afternoon I came across two books my mom gave me about 10 years ago. One still had my birthday card in it from her. I started crying while reading it and my 3 year old saw me. I tried to hide it but he saw my tears and asked why I was crying. Trying my hardest to hold it together but when coming across reminders of her really affect me.
Hollyanne, nope, no brothers/sisters. I am actually an only child and an only grandchild. I have no cousins. My mom's brother is also an alcoholic and I haven't seen him in at least two years and that was just a passing visit, prior to that, I hadn't seen him since 2003, when my grandma passed. My dad is around but he is not much support. He has started drinking more and more (was never an alcoholic but loved a nice cold beer on occasion). Now it seems he is enjoying those beers more and more frequently and him and my stepmom (who is awesome) seem to be strained...which has affected my relationship with my stepmom.
I do have my own family, my partner and myself have a three 1/2 year old little boy and I have a 14 year old stepson. They try to be there for me as best as they can. Fortunately, they have never been exposed to alcoholism like I have so they don't have a very good understanding of how it affects someone.
On a side note....in the stack of books I was going through (in which I found the ones from my mom) was my old AL-Anon book....added that to my stack of books heading to my bedroom for reading. Ironic that it was right below the books from my mom.
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Hi Jen,
so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how hard that is. I don't really know what to say except that maybe if you're feeling this bad, if you regret decision you made, maybe you should go and see your mum, and take it from there. I don't think there is a point in forcing yourself into something, however that might sound right. You're ready to do something only when you're truly ready, and hun, you don't seem to be there yet. My advice is to do what your heart tells you to.
I wish you well
Take care
so sorry you're feeling this way. I know how hard that is. I don't really know what to say except that maybe if you're feeling this bad, if you regret decision you made, maybe you should go and see your mum, and take it from there. I don't think there is a point in forcing yourself into something, however that might sound right. You're ready to do something only when you're truly ready, and hun, you don't seem to be there yet. My advice is to do what your heart tells you to.
I wish you well
Take care
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