XAH Attempted Suicide
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
XAH Attempted Suicide
NC completely for 6 weeks now--except for one time previously when he called from a pay phone and I started listening to the message before I knew it was him. I screen all my calls at work, and when I hear him cell number I delete without listening, but again today, an unknown number came up and I had to listen to the message (I am a teacher, and frequently get calls from parents and the like whose numbers I don't recognize).
It was him. I kept listening even though just hearing his voice triggers feelings of sadness.
Apparently, he is in a psych ward currently because he attempted suicide on Saturday. He also said something about getting admitted to an outpatient program on Thursday, and that he would probably just be homeless in the meantime since his sisters aren't speaking to him. Don't know if he meant to say inpatient, because if it's just outpatient I would think he'd be homeless then, too, but what do I know.
Gotta admit, I do wish his sisters were more willing to step in in times of crisis--like, I get why they wouldn't want him to live with them permanently, but to stay for a few days before treatment. Look, I understand the desire to go NC, it's certainly preserved my sanity, but a selfish part of me feels my own guilt burden would be lessened if I knew they were willing to do some things for him.
Here are thoughts that make me feel better:
--He's where he needs to be right now.
--If he's truly all alone, that will help motivate him to change.
--I haven't a clue how he's survived these past 6 weeks, as I know he's out of money, but somehow he's found a way, and he'll continue to find a way.
--He's never really been seriously suicidal, in my humble opinion. Even this, if I had all the facts, I would be willing to bet was more of a "cry for help" as he has expressed interested in going to a psych ward before but knows you have to be suicidal before they'll admit you.
--My best help didn't help. And I don't have the money to keep supporting him anyway, even if I thought it would help.
Here are thoughts that make me feel worse:
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
Here's to hoping I can continue to let the positive thoughts outweigh the negative. My mind has made quite a switch on this in the last few months. A few months ago, this news would have me bawling my eyes out or just being a complete and absolute bundle of nerves. Now, I can't say it's bringing me happiness, but I feel like I can handle it.
It was him. I kept listening even though just hearing his voice triggers feelings of sadness.
Apparently, he is in a psych ward currently because he attempted suicide on Saturday. He also said something about getting admitted to an outpatient program on Thursday, and that he would probably just be homeless in the meantime since his sisters aren't speaking to him. Don't know if he meant to say inpatient, because if it's just outpatient I would think he'd be homeless then, too, but what do I know.
Gotta admit, I do wish his sisters were more willing to step in in times of crisis--like, I get why they wouldn't want him to live with them permanently, but to stay for a few days before treatment. Look, I understand the desire to go NC, it's certainly preserved my sanity, but a selfish part of me feels my own guilt burden would be lessened if I knew they were willing to do some things for him.
Here are thoughts that make me feel better:
--He's where he needs to be right now.
--If he's truly all alone, that will help motivate him to change.
--I haven't a clue how he's survived these past 6 weeks, as I know he's out of money, but somehow he's found a way, and he'll continue to find a way.
--He's never really been seriously suicidal, in my humble opinion. Even this, if I had all the facts, I would be willing to bet was more of a "cry for help" as he has expressed interested in going to a psych ward before but knows you have to be suicidal before they'll admit you.
--My best help didn't help. And I don't have the money to keep supporting him anyway, even if I thought it would help.
Here are thoughts that make me feel worse:
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
Here's to hoping I can continue to let the positive thoughts outweigh the negative. My mind has made quite a switch on this in the last few months. A few months ago, this news would have me bawling my eyes out or just being a complete and absolute bundle of nerves. Now, I can't say it's bringing me happiness, but I feel like I can handle it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Here are thoughts that make me feel worse:
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
You can answer each of those thoughts with the thoughts you posted right above it. You have given your best and he refuses to do the hard work necessary to get better. That is what it all boils down to. He refuses to do the hard work. He'd rather take the easy way out (and yes, it is the easy way to HIM) hoping you'll feel sorry enough for him to buckle under the pressure.
Why did he call you? Could it be that he feels you are his best hope to swoop in and take care of him? It's really amazing that even when they are practically at death's door, they still try to manipulate.
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
You can answer each of those thoughts with the thoughts you posted right above it. You have given your best and he refuses to do the hard work necessary to get better. That is what it all boils down to. He refuses to do the hard work. He'd rather take the easy way out (and yes, it is the easy way to HIM) hoping you'll feel sorry enough for him to buckle under the pressure.
Why did he call you? Could it be that he feels you are his best hope to swoop in and take care of him? It's really amazing that even when they are practically at death's door, they still try to manipulate.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
:codiepolice
My brother did to me what your EX is doing to you and I would automatically become frantic and think "My fault" or "I can help" or "I can fix this if I just _____". Go ahead and fill in the blank with every imaginable "help" you can think of that a person can do for another person for 15 years. What I had to do when in your position (with several different people but I was the worst with my brother) was decide once and for all that I am not going to do this any more. I had to resolve the following:
Next time he calls, hang up the phone before listening to anything he has to say. Every word out of his mouth is poison to you.
Lose the guilt hon. It's not your business, it's not your fault, and you do not have that much power.
My brother did to me what your EX is doing to you and I would automatically become frantic and think "My fault" or "I can help" or "I can fix this if I just _____". Go ahead and fill in the blank with every imaginable "help" you can think of that a person can do for another person for 15 years. What I had to do when in your position (with several different people but I was the worst with my brother) was decide once and for all that I am not going to do this any more. I had to resolve the following:
Next time he calls, hang up the phone before listening to anything he has to say. Every word out of his mouth is poison to you.
Lose the guilt hon. It's not your business, it's not your fault, and you do not have that much power.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
Gotta admit, I do wish his sisters were more willing to step in in times of crisis--like, I get why they wouldn't want him to live with them permanently, but to stay for a few days before treatment. Look, I understand the desire to go NC, it's certainly preserved my sanity, but a selfish part of me feels my own guilt burden would be lessened if I knew they were willing to do some things for him.
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
Here are thoughts that make me feel better:
--He's where he needs to be right now.
--If he's truly all alone, that will help motivate him to change.
--I haven't a clue how he's survived these past 6 weeks, as I know he's out of money, but somehow he's found a way, and he'll continue to find a way.
--He's never really been seriously suicidal, in my humble opinion. Even this, if I had all the facts, I would be willing to bet was more of a "cry for help" as he has expressed interested in going to a psych ward before but knows you have to be suicidal before they'll admit you.
--My best help didn't help. And I don't have the money to keep supporting him anyway, even if I thought it would help.
--He's where he needs to be right now.
--If he's truly all alone, that will help motivate him to change.
--I haven't a clue how he's survived these past 6 weeks, as I know he's out of money, but somehow he's found a way, and he'll continue to find a way.
--He's never really been seriously suicidal, in my humble opinion. Even this, if I had all the facts, I would be willing to bet was more of a "cry for help" as he has expressed interested in going to a psych ward before but knows you have to be suicidal before they'll admit you.
--My best help didn't help. And I don't have the money to keep supporting him anyway, even if I thought it would help.
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
Here are thoughts that make me feel worse:
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
--Poor him, being all alone and having to go through this. Everyone deserves a support system.
--At least when I was helping/in contact he wasn't attempting suicide. What if he dies? Will it be my fault in some way?
--Do I want him to die without having said a proper goodbye? Without his daughter doing so?
If he dies it will NOT be your fault, any more than if my axw dies, it would be my fault.
Sadly it is some peoples destiny to die of alcoholism.
I sometimes think about the good bye aspect, I feel we will get that opportunity. If not, we will deal with that.
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
Here's to hoping I can continue to let the positive thoughts outweigh the negative. My mind has made quite a switch on this in the last few months. A few months ago, this news would have me bawling my eyes out or just being a complete and absolute bundle of nerves. Now, I can't say it's bringing me happiness, but I feel like I can handle it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I really believe that in a large percentage of suicide attempts, they're not really attempts at all but a cry for help, attention or manipulation.
I think the people seriously intent on actually killing themselves don't go where they'll be found and don't choose a method that can fail.
My ex A's Aunt killed herself last year. Waited till her husband left for work and then hung herself from one of the beams on her ceiling.
Whatever he did, he was found or he called for help...something stopped him going the full way.
He didn't have to ring you to tell you that he attempted suicide. He could have rang to tell you where he was
and what help he was waiting on without ever mentioning it.
Given that he's not on deaths door or life support...there was no reason to mention it other than to make you worry, step in to sort his problems out, offer help, or to manipulate you.
One thing at least...he's waiting for treatment, so that's a good thing right? He did that all by himself, whether it was the result of a suicide attempt or not, he still got a good result eh.
As for his sisters...well they have about as much responsibility toward him as you do...none. He's a grown man and I can imagine they've probably helped him out plenty in the past, they could just be preserving their sanity as you are yours.
He's tried to put you in a crappy position though, I hope you stay strong for you and your wee girl.
I think the people seriously intent on actually killing themselves don't go where they'll be found and don't choose a method that can fail.
My ex A's Aunt killed herself last year. Waited till her husband left for work and then hung herself from one of the beams on her ceiling.
Whatever he did, he was found or he called for help...something stopped him going the full way.
He didn't have to ring you to tell you that he attempted suicide. He could have rang to tell you where he was
and what help he was waiting on without ever mentioning it.
Given that he's not on deaths door or life support...there was no reason to mention it other than to make you worry, step in to sort his problems out, offer help, or to manipulate you.
One thing at least...he's waiting for treatment, so that's a good thing right? He did that all by himself, whether it was the result of a suicide attempt or not, he still got a good result eh.
As for his sisters...well they have about as much responsibility toward him as you do...none. He's a grown man and I can imagine they've probably helped him out plenty in the past, they could just be preserving their sanity as you are yours.
He's tried to put you in a crappy position though, I hope you stay strong for you and your wee girl.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
big bear hug mambo queen-
you are really goin thru it. but i agree with coyote, it's his choice and he is choosing this path, perhaps to death. i know it's hard to watch someone we love self-destruct, believe me i know. however, as you know, you can't stop it. you may be able to stop this or that, but in the bigger picture, we can not stop their path of self destruction.
take care of yourself, keep turning him over to your HP. SURRENDER. we are fortified thru sincere selfless prayer. christ said "give me your yoke, i will carry it."
sending you a big hug. take care girlfriend.
naive
you are really goin thru it. but i agree with coyote, it's his choice and he is choosing this path, perhaps to death. i know it's hard to watch someone we love self-destruct, believe me i know. however, as you know, you can't stop it. you may be able to stop this or that, but in the bigger picture, we can not stop their path of self destruction.
take care of yourself, keep turning him over to your HP. SURRENDER. we are fortified thru sincere selfless prayer. christ said "give me your yoke, i will carry it."
sending you a big hug. take care girlfriend.
naive
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I said this last week in response to another poster, but I think it's worth saying again. It's OK to choose, as I did, not to witness the self-destruction of the man you used to know. You have not chosen to refuse to be at his side as his life slips away; you have chosen to save yourself. That's a healthy choice; not a selfish one.
I agree with TC; the man you knew died a while ago. All that remains is an empty shell. Heartbreaking for you and for him. Just heartbreaking.
I agree with TC; the man you knew died a while ago. All that remains is an empty shell. Heartbreaking for you and for him. Just heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
As heart-wrenching as this is, you do not have power over his death (if he chooses it), just as you never had any power over his life.
I understand how difficult it is to let go and let god when a person's life hangs in the balance, but IMO this when we are truly reminded of our powerlessness.
*hugs* to you
I understand how difficult it is to let go and let god when a person's life hangs in the balance, but IMO this when we are truly reminded of our powerlessness.
*hugs* to you
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Just wanted to send you a hug hun....my prayers and thoughts are with you...but everyone here has already said anything that I would have said to you I just ditto all the posters above. Take care..
Janitw
Janitw
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