Lisacris

Ok, readers digest version...my ab and I have known each other since kindergarten, we are both 43 now, we were both married to other people, had families, both got divorced (not b/c of each other). TJ is an alcoholic and NOTHING comes before that. 3 inpatient rehabs, one outpatient. We lived together for almost 3 yrs. back in March, 2010 I threw him out. I have a 5 yr. old son that I swear will never grow up to think it's ok for a man to behave the way TJ had....we lived in the same town, TJ would drink, forget where he lived and show up at my house at all hours of the day/night drunk. Three DWI's later he lost his license and I lost all my patience. I decided the only way I was going to stop MY INSANE BEHAVIOR (taking him back, letting him stay, sleeping it off at my house, doing his laundry, making sure he ate) was to move out of state, so I did. I left NJ and moved to NC with my son. (not his son). We talk alot, only when he's sober, if he calls and he's been drinking I turn off my phone. I love him...my son loves him...I know I can't ever go back to the way things were....but I will tell you that I'm scared for him. The day before I moved one of our close friends was found dead in a hotel room from alcohol poisioning...I just know he's going to be next. I know I can't change him, but I also can't change the way I feel about him...
thanks for listening...
Lisa

Mambo Queen

You're right, it's scary, and heartbreaking, to know the depths to which some alcoholics sink, and to know that some never recover. It sounds like you did a great thing for you and your son to move out of state. Maybe it's time now to take that next scary step and cut off contact with him. You could tell him that he's free to call you if he's sober AND working a program, or you could tell him nothing and just not return his calls. I know that's hard, and it makes us codies feel like we're not being "supportive" or being mean, but I know from experience it's very hard to move on while you're still in constant contact. Or if that feels like too much right now, at least keep on trying to build your own independent life.

TakingCharge999

Hugs, Lisacris.
Are you going to therapy?
(OK if it were for me, everyone would go to therapy......)

Just remember he knows exactly where he is going. He could learn from the thousands of people that have died as a consequence of alcoholism; he doesn't. He could learn from this friend's tragic death, he may as well choose to continue drinking, or if he finds unable to mourn without substances like common people do, he may as well use his friend's death to drink more.

Nothing I can do, nothing you can do.

Alcohol poisoning..yes... alcohol is a poison indeed. Listen to MQ... as someone said here "I won't participate in your passionate attempts of self destruction" physically he is no longer around, now he needs to be removed from your mind and heart........ I am starting to believe all your relationships give you something and its your choice to receive peace, calm, joy or to receive madness. We all exchange energy with the others we choose to interact with. Our friends and partners are a barometer of how sane we are ourselves.

I hope you keep investing in you and your kid and start using your energy more wisely. Letting go is very very difficult but once you start feeling the dimension of the peace that comes with it, it gets easier. I believe.. it comes down to what you feel you deserve in life..... and what you learned to expect.... the good news is that it can change, and it doesn't matter what others do or do not do, we can take steps to feel better.


Reading here I often remember the words of an alkie boyfriend I had - that he was planning on drinking until his very last day. From what I read, many other alkies have the exact same plan......... even if they are not saying it out loud.

I remember I went speechless after such an affirmation, and I felt sad, but I also felt freed - hard to argue with that one. 2 years later he is following up perfectly. It is dumb for me to expect some sanity or sobriety from him. He can drink himself to death. BUT- I can get away as far as possible. They are sick and need sick people around. For someone that is getting healthier, the idea of sharing anything with them is no longer plausible.

Jadmack25

I realised long time back that there was no rationality in alcoholism, when my ABF was crying over his 21 year old son's then recent driving his car into a tree, when drunk and angry, and being instantly killed.

You see, while ABF was full of grief and crying his eyes out, he was also pouring stubbies of beer down his throat, and had not been sober since the funeral, weeks before.

It seemed weird to me, but then I learnt a lot about alcoholism, and believe weird is normal, sense is something rarely found in the same room as booze.

My late XAH was furious at his doctor for daring to suggest he had a drinking problem, and was in the early stages of Alcohol induced Dementia, and he stormed out of the surgery, arriving home via the bottle shop with a wine cask. While he raved about Dr, me and Lord knows who else being out to get him, he sat there guzzling his way thru 5 litres of Moselle.

XAH kept guzzling till dementia, falls and strokes had him bedridden in a nursing home, where he died last year.
ABF went for help, finally last year and is still sober and following a program of sorts.

I loved my husband for over 30 years, but finally didn't recognise who he had become, and I mourned his loss many years before he died.

The best thing possible for you and your son, was moving out and saving yourselves from a miserable time with an A.
He has the help there IF he chooses to take it, and that is up to him.