03fifteen

Every time i visit my parents I see again the reasons I wanted to leave home in the first place. No one communicates, no one trusts, there no living space (dad is a hoarder even if he doesn't admit it). People talk about each other behind their backs. Even if the family seems "normal" it definitely isn't

I love them but sometimes i hate it. It hurts me every time i visit. Kinda like opening up an old wound.

Mom is always sick, and dad doesn't understand her. neither does my sister. she's never been very compassionate. I'm the only one that really cares but I don't live here anymore.

It's still a tough situation. And i'm still trying to learn and grow and learn how a healthy relationship should be.
And i'm still learning how to communicate.
I guess thats all for now.

dothi

You may be just learning to communicate this, but it sounds like your instincts read loud and clear. How often do you see your family? Do you ever say no to going home? If it feels like it's hurting you just to visit, have you ever tried stopping?

Even though I live across the country, one nasty conversation with a family member can still leave me emotionally wasted for days... the effect is so powerful that I cannot imagine how I must have been, let alone survived, seeing them face-to-face in real life for so many years. The only effective way I found to deal with the recurring emotional pain that actually worked was to stop visiting. And that took a lot of therapy and support before I could make that kind of decision.

03fifteen

i dont mind visiting but, being around for a longer period of than just a day is tough. And being in the house is worse. when we're out its not that bad. But then again, being out you put on more of a show and aren't as much of yourself..
i know if i stayed in this house more than a few day's i'd start regressing and undo the things i've worked on so far..

1234

Hi.

If feel just like that, 03fifteen. I can manage so much better when we meet out of the house. It's like I get a physical reaction to the place where so many bad feelings happened.

It's funny, it doesn't seem to get better over the years. I don't know if that means anything. (?)

I best manage time with my parents out of their home, and for less than 3 hours at a time. I'm trying to plan my Christmas around that!

1234

03fifteen

Today just being at mom and dad's i feel even more grateful that i don't live here. I'm so glad to be going home.

Mom always feels like she's doing anything wrong. But the thing is she doesn't think and she doesn't listen, i know she has heath problems and all i also think she's depressed but she doesn't want to do anything about it. and dad, he is loving and caring but the has temper issues.

SarahG

I won't go into my parents' house. I just won't do it. (Not telling you what you should do, just sharing another POV.) My father has serious health issues, my mother doesn't keep a clean house (it's past messy and well into filth. They have pets that eliminate on the floor and it never gets cleaned up, etc.) There is nothing that I can do to help - they have to help themselves. Any help I would give is like putting a band-aid on an amputation wound. Completely inadequate to the task.


*sigh* So I stopped going over to their home. If they want to visit, they come here (my home). Holidays are here. I just can't emotionally cope with being in their house - too many bad memories, too many signs of dysfunction, too much denial - the air is thick with it.

Yes, I can see the people talking behind each other's backs business. Happens with my family of origin all the time. No one communicates, no one trusts. Yes, that too.

For the record, I moved out on my own in 1994. And I learned not to visit, because it still puts me on edge. I hate it. I don't think I've been in their house for... 3 years? And they live a mile away.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack!

Spirit08

the emotional pain and scars are a b***h

Not sure how to overcome it.

Spirit08

Stopped seeing my mother in 2005. She's active and very sick mentally. Very screwed up. What's harder, is that I cannot keep my daughter away.