gr8t2bme

My haunting memories of drinking make me sick to my stomach. It's only been 45 days and the bad memories are so intense that they actually bring on some anxiety and make me sick to my stomach.

The thoughts of what I did are horrifying, I NEVER want to go to a place like that ever again.

Driving while I was blacked out from drinking.
Not remembering what I did or said the night before.
Horrible hangovers
Losing employment because I couldn't get up in the morning for work.
Having being taken to the ER because I drank too much and attempted to commit suicide and having my young daughter watch.
Losing my relationship with my daughter.
Would go to the casino and drink and lose hundreds of dollars.
Became isolated
Became stricken with Major depression

Talking about this is making me very upset. I need to remind myself of this so I never drink again.
Thanks for listening

Theresa

Anna

Hi,

One of my favourite quotes is from Maya Angelou:

"You did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better... you did better."

coffeenut

Talk about needing a post/thread. Thanks to both of you for starting this.

Just last night, I was remembering....those things you wish alcohol would have make you forget. My most horrible memories have been those that involve me parenting. No, it wasn't absolutely horrible but it wasn't healthy by a long shot.

It's these things that I work on in my sobriety. It's these things that ensure I don't want to ever walk down that road again....even if my kids are grown.

I do keep a couple of horrible memories in my hip pocket. Just to ask myself, 'do you really want to go back to that hell'?

Anna: I love that, thank you.

Bobby

Congrats on your 45 days .. wtg :-)

Boleo

Don't take this wrong, but nurturing painful memories is not the most reliable way to stay sober.

In my case the resentment of not being able to drink like normal people, as well as the emotional suffering of not having any relief from life's challenges, lead me back to drinking eventually.

The long term goal that worked for me, was a way to end the suffering that lead me to drink in the first place.

Abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.

gr8t2bme

I am working on the issues/depression that started me drinking but If I keep thinking of all the bad things I did or even worse, what could have happened, it really keeps me from ever wanting to pick up that glass/bottle ever again.

SSIL75

I can relate. IME the next phase then is where you start to fill your life and head with healthy things. Healthy habits, memories that will displace the horrors. You have to put the past away and actively build, build build your new life.

Don't linger too long where you are because fear is nothing to live for. You need to embrace all the wonderful things you have to live for.

AmericanGirl

hi gr8t-- I am glad that being aware of drinking's impact is a good reminder of why you don't want to drink again. I hope that you are also developing "good" memories of how life can be better now that you're in recovery, so you can think about these positives too if you find yourself questioning. Personally, I see it as two sides of the same coin, and important to look at both, or not see one without the other.

loveon2legs

You cant change the past....but it's always good to remember where you came from!!! helps me stay sober!!!

Hollyanne

AmericanGirl, I would like to ask a deep profound life-changing question...NOT!
Want to know what your avatar is. it is lovely?

Evon

I also sometimes use my past experiences as a reminder to me, but I tend to not stay there with those memories for too long. I tell myself that was someone I never want to be again. I can't change the past, I can only focus on the now, and building a better future for me. I actually wrote down a list of why I don't want to drink and it goes, I don't want to drink because... I don't put down specific memories, but an overall generalization, such as I lose control, become irresponsible, it causes guilt and shame, or it does not let me focus on the main problem, these are just a few. It has helped me face what it has done without focusing too much on specific details. Congrats on your 45 days!

Ultrarunner

On Friday night I was due to give a talk to a local philosophy group. I got drunk and didn't turn up. I feel intensely guilty about it.

Hollyanne

Ultrarunner,
That is ironic, maybe you could work it out on a philosophical level!
That is mean! but you have to admit, your post was kind of funny.
What can I say, we have all been there and we are all trying to change and guess what?
A hell of a lot of us are doing just that with the support of our peeps!

Fiona630

For me it's best to let go of the past and all the stupid things I did while being "that drunk girl." I get to down on myself. I have to forgive myself and move on. Dwelling on the past, for me, makes me depressed. When I get depressed I start thinking of all the things I could have done with my life and I feel even worse. I have a hard enough time staying positive on a daily basis ever since we moved out of state. So dwell no more on the past but look towards the future. It's what keeps me sober.

Congrats on 45 days!..46 now, right?

Fee11

I have so many awful awful memories. More keep surfacing all the time too. As a reformed "that drunk girl" I am trying to make memories as "that kind, funny, albeit a little crazy girl" to remember in the future. Can't wait till day 46!