SoberforME

I'm so sad today. I know I need to quit drinking and I don't know that I can, permanently. I feel so envious of those that go to one AA meeting, do their 90 and 20 years later are here to talk about it.

I know that if I don't stop drinking I will end up dead. It will be tragic and everyone will say, it's the alcohol that did her in, couldn't she stop?

No. No, I can't.

I'm in a good relationship. But as all of my other 'good' relationships, I feel it's going downhill. Who can love a drunk? The problem is when I first got together with this person I drank. They expressed to me that they were worried about how much I drank. I had heard that many many many many times before, so I quit. For 8 months. That's the longest I've been sober since I picked up my first drink at 21.

We have been closer than I ever imagined. Then about 2 months ago, I started getting intense cravings. Then one day, I just picked up my roommates bottle of wine and just drank it, brushed my teeth and acted like nothing was up. I lasted another week.

I went to a business lunch with a person who doesn't know I'm a drunk and had a mojito. Just one. Then I had the talk with my partner. I rationalized my way into drinking again. You know, this time will be different. I'll only have 3 drinks at a time. No vodka, only beer. Blah blah blah.

Then about 2 weeks ago, I drank excessively. Don't ask me how much I had because I don't know. I was in a gray out. One minute I'm in the karaoke room of this bar, next thing I know I'm walking out of a bathroom with my friend and my partner is SHOCKED and says "what were you doing in there?!". Well my friend was doing coke. I don't know if I did or not. I don't remember.

I didn't drink for a week, and then told my partner that 'you just have to deal, this is who I am'.

My partner LOVES me. We have a cramazing life. I'm in entertainment, and my partner runs a national non-profit. We HELP people.

So last night I have a gig that I feel didn't go as well as I wanted to. I have very high expectations (and you're an alcoholic? AMAZING!). Well I went out and got drunk. Nothing spectacular happened. Sang karaoke, went to the drag club, drove home.

That's right. I had 8 (ish) vodka sodas and then DROVE HOME.

This morning I woke up, my partner is out of town and I felt utterly alone. Not just like 'hey waking up by myself today' but like 'let's just OD on pills, people would think it was an accident'.' I came on here and read someone's post about her husband/bestfriend who died as a result of drinking. I'm my partners' best friend. I don't want to die and break his heart.

It was so good when I wasn't drinking. I didn't have this constant fear and anxiety. I manage to move really far in my career in a year. I didn't have sleep problems. I wasn't always worried that my lover would leave. Sex was even better, because I wasn't drunk.

I'm afraid to say I'm quitting again, because frankly drinking feels like a part of my physiology.

I really ******* HATE AA too. I grew up in a very religious family and I'm gay. You can imagine what THAT was like. Any mention of the lord's prayer and I break out in hives. And NO I can't ignore it and just make it apply to my God concept. If you've ever been beat and then asked to recite the Lord's Prayer as punishment, then it loses it's flavor. I did the 8 months without any programs. I can see now that as much as I don't want to be a part of a 'program' I need to know other drunks, the same way I need to know other gay people or other entertainers.

When I think about quitting drinking, I think "I'm not that bad" and then "I'm not like other alcoholics", but I am. I'll manipulate until the cows come home in order to get my way. Lie, steal, cheat anything to get one more drink.

So that's my long diatribe of a story. Thanks for reading.

Juneof44

I would tend to believe people in bars are annoying. They accelerate from sober to jovial to loud and obnoxious to intolerable in less than an hour.

And I used to be one of them.

Great post...hope you find happiness in sobriety!

Juneof44

Also, maybe you might have "religion" confused with "spirituality"? AA programs are clear about "God as we have come to understand him/her". I am not religious at all, and I am barely spiritual. But the concept of a "higher power" is most accessible to me when put like this:

Me + You = a power greater than myself, and that really sums up the support network that is so valuable to my recovery.

It doesn't have to be about Catholicism or Christianity or any other religion. I'm sorry you have met with such intolerance from these angles, but of course, don't let a few bigots spoil your opinion of a general population (it doesn't sound like you do hahaha).

I hope you find peace in your sobriety, and keep coming back! SR is a HUGE help!

Carrie36

I know that I get very anxious when I begin to think about the long term.

It really does help to just look at today.

AA isnt for everyone.

I started an outpatient treatment program. There are other routes and plans for those who dont want to go the path of AA.

I hope you find your way and have a wonderful sober Saturday.

LexieCat

AA isn't the only way to quit drinking/using, though I do think that most people who successfully quit do something along the lines of the 12 Steps in terms of accepting their powerlessness over alcohol, reaching out to others for help, making major changes in their attitudes and personalities (coming to terms with the ego that powers the addiction).

Have you checked out the secular recovery forums here? There's even a secular 12-Step forum.

Drinking IS part of your physiology. That part of it, I think, is permanent, which is why a return to successful moderate drinking isn't possible. If you want to be free of that, you will have to find a way to stop drinking, stay stopped, and have a happy life.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I am so not religious at all.

But, I knew for sure, that I had to reconnect with my spiritual self if I was going to recover from addiction. That's about the only thing I knew at that point, but I knew that for sure. I had to find a reason to continue to live my life and have a purpose.

I do hope that you decide you need to stop drinking. This disease is horribly relentless and it will claim your life if you let it.

Eddiebuckle

Sober, thanks for sharing.

AA doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety but it does work for lots of people, myself included. IMO the most basic part of a sustainable recovery is support from/with others who understand where we are coming from. Addiction is a disease of loneliness that we attempt to treat with isolation. And because of "societies" moral undertones associated with addiction, it's very easy after relapse to make the leap from "I'm not well" to "I'm not worthy." Which of course is pure BS. Something else to consider: your feelings are real - but they are not reality, they are your perception of reality.

Finally, re your statement that drinking feels like a part of your physiology... is absolutely true. Addiction changes your neurophysiology, how the pleasure/reward circuits in your brain react. If you like to read, I would recommend two books that will cost you about $20 total if purchased new: Under the Influence by James Milam and Drinking, a Love Story, by Caroline Knapp.

Stay in touch, and don't lose hope...

Lenina

SoberforME,

Have you checked out CBT or Rational Recovery? RR helped me a lot. Don't give up. SR is a great place for support.


Love,

Lenina

SoberforME

Thanks everyone for the responses! I really needed to hear that I can get sober again.

June- No. I did AA for 2 months a couple of years ago (when I originally joined here), for me talking about "God" everyday in a room with other people makes me feel like I'm in church. Last time I was in AA, I was in the parking lot drudging through my car hoping to find 20 bucks so I could go to the bar. I'm also really known in my community, and so therefore would have to be 'out' as an alcoholic to even go to AA. And believe me, it's not so 'anonymous' when someone interesting is in your group. I wish I lived in LA where they have entertainers-only AA. But then I think, if sobriety is important, should you care that you are out? Well, I just don't want everyone waiting for me to relapse. Like a hometown Lindsey Lohan.

Blah blah blah, now I'm just rambling.

SoberforME

I own Carolines. I read Beyond the Influence a couple of years ago, but I haven't read Under. I know this is crazy but I tend to read Caroline's book and Augusten Burroughs, Dry when I am about to relapse (I've been sober 3 times). I just realized something, and I'm serious, just now, do you think that because I grew up in a drug and alcohol infested home that I am attracted to the chaos of drinking? I get cravings when I watch totally out of control stuff (ps. love the automatic censoring of bad words, made me laugh) like someone doing coke while driving their car fast and drinking Jim Beam. I'm like "YES, I want to do that!!"

least

Welcome back. I truly hope you can find something, anything to help you recover from this terminal illness. I slipped and slid and felt hopeless, like I'd never be able to live sober. But I did, I have, and am ten months sober, so don't give up. There IS hope, even if you can't see it right now.

Juneof44

@SoberforMe: I totally understand the anonymity issue - I'm in a VERY small town, so the recognition kind of cancels out the "anonymous" aspect.

I meant no offense or anything. These people in the thread are all correct - AA is not for everybody. I only use it to find tools for sobriety, but I'm not able to do the 90 days/90 meetings trip.

coffeenut

Hey. This sounds like the story of many of us. Nothing new. Nothing that YOU can't change. Been there....done that.

You can get sober. You can stay sober. I'm glad you're at SR. As you know, lots of amazing people here using AA, not AA, CBT, well....you can see what I'm getting at here.

I do agree with Anna.....getting sober has more to do with spirituality than religion. You have to go deep within YOU and find your way out. You can do this.

caribbean

SoberforME, welcome.

At the risk of sounding overly cheezball-esque -- there is always hope, so long as you are still breathing. Reaching out increases the chances you will receive it, so good for you for returning here!

I read something the other day that noted that sobriety and recovery are two distinct things. It is possible to be sober but miserable. It is also possible to be sober and healthy/happy. Just staying sober is a key ingredient, but for me, it's not really worthwhile unless I fix the other things in my life that I was trying to get around by drinking in the first place.

I know in some very Christian areas, AA winds up being heavily Christian as well -- I know it wouldn't work for me if that were the case. Most of the groups I attend don't use the Lord's prayer, and rarely is the word God even used. I can relate to the small-town problem, as well -- I am currently elsewhere, but for most of the year I live in an extremely small community. On the flip side, "outing" myself as an alcoholic (like everyone else couldn't tell already, ha ha ha!) makes me feel more accountable.

I know that for many years, I didn't go downhill too fast because I had a relationship where my partner's disapproval of my drinking helped keep me sober. When that relationship ended, all bets were off. If I had entered recovery sooner, I might still be with my former partner. At the very least, the relationship wouldn't have had such a disgusting fiery end.

Anyway, it's good to have you here. I hope we can help.

Dee74

Hi Sober - sounds like you're in a pretty bad place.

I've been there - the only way out IMO is action - and hard work....and a fundamental acceptance that alcohol is no longer a viable option. Anything else is a better alternative
than substance abuse.

So if AA's out - what else are you going to try?

AA's not the only game in town. There's SMART, LifeRing, RationalRecovery, or any number of other recovery groups.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

There's CBT, other kinds of counselling, inpatient or outpatient rehab - you can even start the ball rolling by seeing your Dr.

We can change things - but we need to make changes

Support is vital. Groups or not, noone does this alone.
Reach out when you need to.

You can do this
D

Eddiebuckle

Absolutely. Same here - I grew up thinking the last thing on earth I would want was to be like my mother. It was a pretty nasty feeling to realize that I had become just that. Addiction is so much more than the physical demand for whatever anesthetic happens to work best for you.

I don't know what form the answer will take for you, but for me the greatest obstacle to sobriety was the perceived need to hide. All of the baggage we carry takes its toll. Some of the baggage is very real, and takes a tremendous amount of will and effort to confront, accept, or change. Other stuff in hindsight were apparitions, but somehow I just couldn't get past them while I was actively drinking. Sounds like so much psychobabble, but in my case that was the situation.

Hang in there. Whatever path you take to sobriety, know that you are not alone.

Edd

PeaceTrain

I thought I would pass along some info that you may or may not know. A friend of mine in the USA is gay and goes to Gay focused AA group and has for more than 10 years. He claims that he could not have maintained his sobriety without their fellowship. I also know he is not religious in the traditional way. It might be worthwhile to see if these groups operate in your area. Best Wishes

SoberforME

Alright, I started on the accountability train and told my roommate that I am a drunk and I'm quitting drinking.

She always thought I was allergic to alcohol and didn't drink. When I started drinking again, she was shocked to see me drinking a beer on the patio.

So today, when she came home I casually said " Yeah I need to go to AA (or SMART) and about this website. She said "Oh, are we still getting fancy for the ballet tonight?" Yup.

Thanks everyone genuinely for your help and support. I REALLY REALLY needed it today and I'm so glad SR was there.

Sober

LaFemme

Hi Sober! AA wasn't for me either and I'm actually a deeply spiritual person and a somewhat religous one...go figure...lol. for me I needed to understand a lot of the reasons why I drank...I also needed to find ways that made sense to me to not drink. I read a lot....7 weeks to sobriety...books on meditation and sobriety...Allen cards book on the easy way to quit(this one helped a lot) and probably every self help book around. Finally enough things lined up that I quit. Since quitting I found SR which has been fantastic for me...and I'm working with a life coach to try and get my life back on track.

One thing I wonder about...your industry is one that sees a lot of abuse...me too...I'm an artist...It is really easy...imo to buy into the whole angsty alcoholic artist trap...at least i did. Be careful not to buy into the entertainment drugs and alcohol trap...the world does not need more Lindsay Logan's!!#

DayTrader

Sober, I hope one day you can get sober. For me, I had to put sobriety ahead of a lot of what I truly felt were strong and solid beliefs - things I was really sure I was right about. It got to the point where I didn't care if I was right or comfortable or even doing what I wanted to be doing....I just needed to "get this" sobriety thing.

It really boiled down to what was more important to me, my hangups or my sobriety.