Custody Hearing Tomorrow
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Custody Hearing Tomorrow
AH was able to get a custody hearing last minute and before he goes back into treatment for 6 weeks for his cancer.
I flew the 1000 miles up to our old town and it is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
AH is seeking sole custody and have them live with his parents while he's in treatment. He's requested that if I'm allowed visitation that it be supervised. He wants child support and court fees.
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
I'm slightly nervous because so much is at stake, but I am ready to have this thing done and a legal and binding decision.
Please pray that tomorrow the judge will see through the insanity of the past 7 months and I will be granted temporary custody until we can go to court for the divorce next year.
I flew the 1000 miles up to our old town and it is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
AH is seeking sole custody and have them live with his parents while he's in treatment. He's requested that if I'm allowed visitation that it be supervised. He wants child support and court fees.
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
I'm slightly nervous because so much is at stake, but I am ready to have this thing done and a legal and binding decision.
Please pray that tomorrow the judge will see through the insanity of the past 7 months and I will be granted temporary custody until we can go to court for the divorce next year.
Last edited by SheCanRun; 10-07-2010 at 06:18 PM. Reason: typo
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Prayers out to you. I can't imagine that a judge would give sole physical custody to a man who is alcoholic and undergoing cancer treatment over a mother who is fit to take care of the children. Grandparents are wonderful, but they only take precedence when neither parent is fit.
We're all pulling for you!
We're all pulling for you!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
AH is seeking sole custody and have them live with his parents while he's in treatment. He's requested that if I'm allowed visitation that it be supervised. He wants child support and court fees.
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
Yea, in his world of delusions he's a prince and you're the problem SheCan. I'm not sure how they manage to keep those delusions alive, but they do.
I'm sure you'll come through the hearing just fine, but I'll be thinking about you anyway. Hang in there.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Man it's been over 4 years since my custody battle with axw, I was terrified I'd loose my little girl. I was out numbered, out lawyered, and out moneyed by axw and her clan.
I remember "the clan" actually had me convinced that LMC would be better off in their care, after all they had more, and nicer "stuff."
I remember praying to HP for her to go wherever SHE would be better off, 'cause to tell you the truth, I didn't really know which end was up any more. Then I let go of the out come.
During the actual court time, I visualized two giant, gentle, "God hands" cupped together. I imagined picking up LMC (5yo at the time) and placing her in Gods hands, and then I vaulted in beside her. I kept thinking about the giant safe hands the whole time (6 hours). It helped keep me calm and semi-sane.
I told the "whole truth" about my axw's alcoholism for the first time that day. What's that quote from Ted Roosevelt, "I never gave anybody hell, I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Man she was definitely in hell that day, oh well.
I'll be praying for you and your kids.
What a chicken sh!t a$$ for pulling this kind of sneaky, underhanded lawyer trick at the last minute. Why is this kind of crap even allowed in court, IDK, lawyers?
Be grateful you had the means to show up across country.
Good luck.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I remember "the clan" actually had me convinced that LMC would be better off in their care, after all they had more, and nicer "stuff."
I remember praying to HP for her to go wherever SHE would be better off, 'cause to tell you the truth, I didn't really know which end was up any more. Then I let go of the out come.
During the actual court time, I visualized two giant, gentle, "God hands" cupped together. I imagined picking up LMC (5yo at the time) and placing her in Gods hands, and then I vaulted in beside her. I kept thinking about the giant safe hands the whole time (6 hours). It helped keep me calm and semi-sane.
I told the "whole truth" about my axw's alcoholism for the first time that day. What's that quote from Ted Roosevelt, "I never gave anybody hell, I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Man she was definitely in hell that day, oh well.
I'll be praying for you and your kids.
What a chicken sh!t a$$ for pulling this kind of sneaky, underhanded lawyer trick at the last minute. Why is this kind of crap even allowed in court, IDK, lawyers?
Be grateful you had the means to show up across country.
Good luck.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Thank you everyone... Coyote.
The means to show up come from my Dad. He's the one buying groceries, school uniforms, gas... you get the picture. He's really stressed out right now. Bless him.
My visualization has to do with forgiveness for my AH. That he can forgive me for my codie crazyness and that I can forgive him for what he has done to me/us. I see us both wrapped in white light, love. We hug and say goodbye to each other.
This has been my prayer and visualization for the past couple of weeks. Please let us release each other from this madness. I mean him no harm. Just want to protect my babies.
Coyote my youngest is 5 too. I remember you posting not long ago during your divorce hearing that you were brutally honest, telling the good, bad and ugly... admitting to all the things you did wrong. That has been in my head for a while.
All I can do is tell the truth, the rest is up to HP. I pray that the right decision is made tomorrow for my children.
The means to show up come from my Dad. He's the one buying groceries, school uniforms, gas... you get the picture. He's really stressed out right now. Bless him.
My visualization has to do with forgiveness for my AH. That he can forgive me for my codie crazyness and that I can forgive him for what he has done to me/us. I see us both wrapped in white light, love. We hug and say goodbye to each other.
This has been my prayer and visualization for the past couple of weeks. Please let us release each other from this madness. I mean him no harm. Just want to protect my babies.
Coyote my youngest is 5 too. I remember you posting not long ago during your divorce hearing that you were brutally honest, telling the good, bad and ugly... admitting to all the things you did wrong. That has been in my head for a while.
All I can do is tell the truth, the rest is up to HP. I pray that the right decision is made tomorrow for my children.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by SheCanRun 
Thank you everyone... Coyote.
The means to show up come from my Dad. He's the one buying groceries, school uniforms, gas... you get the picture. He's really stressed out right now. Bless him.
My visualization has to do with forgiveness for my AH. That he can forgive me for my codie crazyness and that I can forgive him for what he has done to me/us. I see us both wrapped in white light, love. We hug and say goodbye to each other.
This has been my prayer and visualization for the past couple of weeks. Please let us release each other from this madness. I mean him no harm. Just want to protect my babies.
Coyote my youngest is 5 too. I remember you posting not long ago during your divorce hearing that you were brutally honest, telling the good, bad and ugly... admitting to all the things you did wrong. That has been in my head for a while.
All I can do is tell the truth, the rest is up to HP. I pray that the right decision is made tomorrow for my children.
The means to show up come from my Dad. He's the one buying groceries, school uniforms, gas... you get the picture. He's really stressed out right now. Bless him.
My visualization has to do with forgiveness for my AH. That he can forgive me for my codie crazyness and that I can forgive him for what he has done to me/us. I see us both wrapped in white light, love. We hug and say goodbye to each other.
This has been my prayer and visualization for the past couple of weeks. Please let us release each other from this madness. I mean him no harm. Just want to protect my babies.
Coyote my youngest is 5 too. I remember you posting not long ago during your divorce hearing that you were brutally honest, telling the good, bad and ugly... admitting to all the things you did wrong. That has been in my head for a while.
All I can do is tell the truth, the rest is up to HP. I pray that the right decision is made tomorrow for my children.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by SheCanRun
AH is seeking sole custody and have them live with his parents while he's in treatment. He's requested that if I'm allowed visitation that it be supervised. He wants child support and court fees.
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
Has he forgotten I've been the sober primary care giver of his children for the past 10 yrs?!
)Wishing you continued strength.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Naive you are making me cry, but in a good way.
Surrendering is a good way to describe my feelings this morning. I slept well last night (unusual for me in stressful situations) and I woke feeling peaceful.
HP takes over now.
I will let you guys know how it goes.
Surrendering is a good way to describe my feelings this morning. I slept well last night (unusual for me in stressful situations) and I woke feeling peaceful.
HP takes over now.
I will let you guys know how it goes.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I prayed for you tonight at my prayer meeting, and will do so again early in morning, asking for strength for you to testify the truth loud and clear, and that full custody will be given to you,with AH having to undergo supervised visits.
I also ask for healing for AH, so that his delusions that he's fine and you are not, will be replaced by the truth and he will be opened to acceptance of this.
I also ask for healing for AH, so that his delusions that he's fine and you are not, will be replaced by the truth and he will be opened to acceptance of this.
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Custody hearing is over
Well... first thing is that today was absolutely brutal and awful. The entire course of events was supposed to last about 30 min in front of the judge and a decision made.
We started working towards a compromise around 9:45am and I left the court at 2pm.
We first started by trying to work with the court appointed lawyer that represents the kids (GAL). When that fell through we moved to mediation.
Mediation took over 2 hours and eventually did not work either. Anyone surprised?
Our side was really trying hard to not go in front of the judge and work it out between us (need to mention this is our 2nd attempt at mediation). AH's side was driving his agenda forward and refused to compromise on anything. I think even his lawyer was frustrated.
We eventually did go into the court room to testify...
I was granted primary custody on a temporary basis. We have to revisit the issue with the judge in Feb. There was plenty of ugliness and mud slinging. He called me a drug abuser because I smoked pot in college. Said he was sure that I was currently abusing drugs, wanted me to take a drug test today.
That blew up quickly in his face when I reported that my new job required a drug test 2 weeks ago and I was hired and I am clean. I also had to drug test for job a year and a half ago and passed that one too... so my record speaks for it's self.
Blah, blah, blah. Ugly and so avoidable if we could have mediated and he would only be reasonable.
Judge granted him every other weekend visitation at his expense and he has to provide transportation... he will be in treatment many hours away from me and the kids for the next 6 weeks so I have no idea how he will pull that off.
Here's the part that still has me reeling.....
As some of you know he has very serious cancer. He's in treatment for a stem cell transplant. He has been refusing to discuss his treatment, diagnosis, prognosis or even the location of his treatments with me.
His attempt to try and control the situation. I have asked him what I should do if there is a kid related emergency and I needed to contact him. He basically referred me to his lawyer and Dad. (sigh)
So today he had to talk about it since it directly affects his ability to parent. What I found out was that his survival rate is very low if the transplant does not work (10-15%) and 40 % if the transplant does work. So he's basically dying.
I don't even know what to say or do. I don't want to be married to him anymore but I don't want him to die. I want him to leave me the hell alone but I don't want my kids father dead. I'm devestated by this news. And he's known and been with holding it from me. I have to figure out how to tell my 5 & 10 year old about this.
The judge was so liberal with him and visitation b/c of his health. And I agree... as awful as he has been to me he needs to see the kids and they need him.
Through all of this he has continued to drink, of course.
Am happy it's over and the kids will be in my care but profoundly sad at the same time.
We started working towards a compromise around 9:45am and I left the court at 2pm.
We first started by trying to work with the court appointed lawyer that represents the kids (GAL). When that fell through we moved to mediation.
Mediation took over 2 hours and eventually did not work either. Anyone surprised?
Our side was really trying hard to not go in front of the judge and work it out between us (need to mention this is our 2nd attempt at mediation). AH's side was driving his agenda forward and refused to compromise on anything. I think even his lawyer was frustrated.
We eventually did go into the court room to testify...
I was granted primary custody on a temporary basis. We have to revisit the issue with the judge in Feb. There was plenty of ugliness and mud slinging. He called me a drug abuser because I smoked pot in college. Said he was sure that I was currently abusing drugs, wanted me to take a drug test today.
That blew up quickly in his face when I reported that my new job required a drug test 2 weeks ago and I was hired and I am clean. I also had to drug test for job a year and a half ago and passed that one too... so my record speaks for it's self.
Blah, blah, blah. Ugly and so avoidable if we could have mediated and he would only be reasonable.
Judge granted him every other weekend visitation at his expense and he has to provide transportation... he will be in treatment many hours away from me and the kids for the next 6 weeks so I have no idea how he will pull that off.
Here's the part that still has me reeling.....
As some of you know he has very serious cancer. He's in treatment for a stem cell transplant. He has been refusing to discuss his treatment, diagnosis, prognosis or even the location of his treatments with me.
His attempt to try and control the situation. I have asked him what I should do if there is a kid related emergency and I needed to contact him. He basically referred me to his lawyer and Dad. (sigh)
So today he had to talk about it since it directly affects his ability to parent. What I found out was that his survival rate is very low if the transplant does not work (10-15%) and 40 % if the transplant does work. So he's basically dying.
I don't even know what to say or do. I don't want to be married to him anymore but I don't want him to die. I want him to leave me the hell alone but I don't want my kids father dead. I'm devestated by this news. And he's known and been with holding it from me. I have to figure out how to tell my 5 & 10 year old about this.
The judge was so liberal with him and visitation b/c of his health. And I agree... as awful as he has been to me he needs to see the kids and they need him.
Through all of this he has continued to drink, of course.
Am happy it's over and the kids will be in my care but profoundly sad at the same time.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
SheCan-I'm at a loss. I am so happy you got primary custody. The court knew who the kids need to be with. I am sorry all the animosity had to turn it into something it did not have to be.
It has to be hard-that he was withholding information about his health as a way to hurt you-- in some ways shows that regardless of his physical health, he is still the alcoholic you left.
It will be sad when he dies. You will be left to pick up the pieces for your kids and yourself. But you are already doing that now. You sound like a very strong person to me. Very strong.
It has to be hard-that he was withholding information about his health as a way to hurt you-- in some ways shows that regardless of his physical health, he is still the alcoholic you left.
It will be sad when he dies. You will be left to pick up the pieces for your kids and yourself. But you are already doing that now. You sound like a very strong person to me. Very strong.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Oh SheCan, I am so very sorry the day turned into an ordeal of such epic proportion. It is validation for you of course that everyone could see the effort you were making and the time you were spending trying to work with an irrational and very sick man. Even his legal counsel was frustrated with him and that says a lot when it is their client causing it.
My thought is that it was a blessing that you ended up before a judge. Despite his sad attempts to point fingers at you, he still had to finally let go of the hold he has had in all of this. He had to admit to his grave illness and the real life threat it poses. No more holding it from you as a control mechanism.
It's all laid out there now. The ugly truth. I am certain your pity for his condition showed on your face enough for him to see. I am sure he could feel his power over the whole situation fading away in that moment.
So for you....now what? He goes off to treatment, you go back to the kids and you wait. It's now on him to be a father in what time he has with the kids. If he follows through with visitation, I bet the kids will start to ask questions, and you can be there to guide them with love and what information you have.
Take a breath. The future is not set and the ball is in his court now.
I was just thinking...you have custody of your kids and it will be after the holidays and the new year before you have to argue that point again. That's something worth every prayer
Alice
My thought is that it was a blessing that you ended up before a judge. Despite his sad attempts to point fingers at you, he still had to finally let go of the hold he has had in all of this. He had to admit to his grave illness and the real life threat it poses. No more holding it from you as a control mechanism.
It's all laid out there now. The ugly truth. I am certain your pity for his condition showed on your face enough for him to see. I am sure he could feel his power over the whole situation fading away in that moment.
So for you....now what? He goes off to treatment, you go back to the kids and you wait. It's now on him to be a father in what time he has with the kids. If he follows through with visitation, I bet the kids will start to ask questions, and you can be there to guide them with love and what information you have.
Take a breath. The future is not set and the ball is in his court now.
I was just thinking...you have custody of your kids and it will be after the holidays and the new year before you have to argue that point again. That's something worth every prayer
Alice
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