Zappy

She is 2 weeks into a 30 day program. Her husband of 18 years filed for divorce and plans to get custody of their three kids. I'm retaining an attorney for her so she can start to get on top of this before she gets out.

I'm pretty sure she won't get custody of the kids, should I be honest with her if the lawyer tells me tomorrow that she has no chance? I know it's better for her to hear this now when she has more support but at the same time I don't know if this news should come from me.

I'm so confused about all of this. I feel like I've been hit by a train.

codeflayer

Honesty is the best policy in my opinion. My question is why you are retaining the attorney for her? Be careful that you don't become her next crutch.

Bernadette

H Zappy -
welcome!

More than any other group of people on the planet we on this SR board understand your urge to get involved and help.

But I have to ask why are YOU retaining an attorney to help her sort out a mess that is a consequence of her addiction?

It was some of the hardest personal work I ever had to do - but I had to learn how to completely stop enabling my brothers. I used to throw money and time and worry at them like I had an endless well of those resources. Each time thinking that their life was so hard, so miserable, and maybe this little help from me would bring them around to a better life and the choice of sobriety!

When I got into AlAnon and started reading up on the nature of addiction I discovered that every time I intervened I was actually scoring a run for Team Alcohol.

Peace-
B

Zappy

I'm hiring an attorney for her because she is scared that her husband won't let her come back into the house when she gets out of rehab so she needs to have someone looking out for her best interests.

I know I'm an enabler. I just feel like I need to do this for her and for her children. I always run to her rescue which I need to start working on. I guess I'm just not at that point yet.

codeflayer

There are other ways you can help her without shelling out the cash for an attorney. Have you talked to her husband? I don't know exactly what your situation is but I can't imagine that he'd not allow her to get her stuff.

Bernadette

I guess I'm just not at that point yet.

Like I said - I can totally relate!!

Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Or even the rehab she is at may have meetings for family. Face to face discussion may help you figure out how to tell her or how to let it go and let the lawyer or her husband tell her...

What helped me stop enabling was what I learned about the addicted mind and how the enablers are helping the enemy! I really just will not play for the team that is killing my brothers. Our relationships are much better than they were when I was enabling them. Our relationships stopped being all about alcohol and all about their problems once I learned to let their alcoholism and the consequences of their drinking be 100% their problem.

Keep posting - you're not alone - collectively we've seen it all here on SR!
Peace-
B

Still Waters

When my husband was in rehab and I spoke with an attorney about how to keep him out of the house, I was told the only way to do that was to start the divorce proceedings. I should have listened to that advice.

It's nice of you, to help your sister out - but really, her husband is probably thoroughly fed up with her and has every right to be. And, if she's drinking she has no business being in charge of children.

It might be that you'd be better off (if you feel compelled to help in some way) finding out if there is an Oxford House in the area for her to stay at after rehab.