duggy

So I got a call earlier from one of my girlfriends. She asked me if I wanted to join some of the other ladies for dinner and a drink out tonight...

I said dinner, sure...drink..nah.

Now mind you, I have not told anyone other than my husband and well you guys about my problem...I said why don't we do dinner and then go to the coffee house and listen to some great live music and have a latte.

Oh no. They like to go out and have their drinks...which is ok, because as far as I know..it isnt an issue or problem for them..but it is for ME.

I said I just don't feel like drinking, i'm trying to eat healthier and whatnot..and she says so just come and have a soda..

I can't. nope nope nope.

She said one drink won't hurt..you're always so much fun.

Yeah...notsomuch fun to me.

So I said listen..I just don't feel like it right now.I opened up to her and told her it was a problem for me..she said oh I understand..my brother is a recovering alcoholic..he only drinks beer once in a while.

Ugh.

I said well you know..I just would rather not be around it. She said but you have willpower.(yay for the will power!!!...pft)..cause trying to explain sobriety would make my head explode..especially with her lol

I said it isn't about will power...but I didnt go much more into than that.

She said so once you are more comfortable will you want to go out for drinks?

Hello? I am in some kind of twilight zone?

I said its not temporary...its something I just don't want to do anymore. I want to be healthy and not NEED to do that.

She said you already not being fun anymore.

I said well then I guess I just will have to live with not being fun anymore...and i'll just have to "live".......cause in the end..thats all that really matters.

But seriously..people just don't get it.

I did good today though...took my Valerian and felt much better..got oodles of work done and Mr. Duggy will be home in an hour.

Hope everyone has had a great, sober day!!

Thanks

LexieCat

No, they DON'T "get it".

We do, though, and you made a smart move.

Sometimes we need to let go of the people in our lives who try to bring us down. Your sobriety is SO much more important than a night out with the girls right now.

augustwest

people that don't get it usually don't because they have no reason to. they're not alcoholics and/or don't have any in their close circle of loved ones.

there are a myriad of misnomers about addiction out there, and people pick them up of no fault of their own. it can be frustrating, but i also can't expect other people to be knowledgeable about my problem. i'm the one with a problem, not them.

i approached this by simply avoiding(saying no) situations like this at first, without getting into conversation about it. If i'm not comfortable with an environment where alcohol is being served i just don't go. Why should not matter to people.

Once i was able to be in restaurants without feeling weird, i identify myself as a non-drinker to casual friends. Few, if any, questioned it.

Old friends for the most part know exactly what and how i am, and told them upfront that i'm in recovery and what that means. No drinking, no smoking pot, no drugs, NO MATTER WHAT. take it or leave it if you're going to still associate with me.

i've mostly found new friends in recovery. my "using friends" have fallen away. My friends who aren't alcoholic know, understand, and support me in my recovery.

I've found that once i explained the whole deal to those who were ignorant about what recovery means, they understood and quit asking ridiculous questions. anyone that persists with that crap i immediately consider the merit of continuing our friendship. no friend would encourage me to smoke a cigarette if a told them i have emphysema, and this is essentially the same thing.

least

I guess I'm lucky, in a way, cause I always drank at home alone so had no one pestering me to go out for drinks. No one to have to explain things to, as my family knows and are completely supportive and would never try to get me to drink.

But you're right: they don't get it at all. You may as well just give up trying to explain it to someone that CANNOT understand. Just say "no thanks" and be done with it. Good for you for not giving in!

stanleyhouse

ugh! she said you're already not being fun, anymore. Is she thirteen? People are idjits. But you aren't. Great Day. We'll hear from you tomorrow.
sh

bdiddy5522

I don't even try to explain it. You lasted longer than I would have. I feel it is not my job to educate people on my disease. I simply decline invitations like that. Good luck going forward. And congrats on making a responsible decision.

duggy

Well you're right..I don't expect everyone to understand or not do things because i'm uncomfortable..but I was honest with her..and told her that I couldn't do it..but she doesn't quite understand that this change has to be permanent..its not temporary.

I'm on day 9..so maybe i'm just sensitive..but out here I don't have lots of friends..all of my family/friends are back in NYC..maybe one day my friends will get it..otherwise I might have to go solo..and thats ok..but its lonely

Lexie, there was no way I was going to the bar..but coffee isn't as much fun for them


thanks for the input

LaFemme

Good for you! I would have probably said I just didn't feel like going out for drinks that night and not brought up the whole not drinking thing...As you said, its something of an excercise in futility.

caribbean

I'm meeting a couple of girlfriends Saturday, and the plan is to meet at a wine bar for a drink before we head to dinner. I've accepted the invitation and am OK enough with myself to go to a wine bar and not drink. I've only told one person outside of AA about my recovery so far, and I may or may not disclose it to my friends this weekend.

When we were planning, I could have said "Well, I'm not drinking right now, so can we meet at a restaurant instead?" But I didn't, because I don't want to keep them from enjoying their nice glass of wine if they so choose. And also because I want to discuss my choice not to drink in person, if it comes up, rather than by e-mail or on the phone. I don't want anyone to turn it into a big huge deal when I'd rather it not be.

If I don't feel like getting into it, I can always go with the oldest excuse in the world of "oh, no, I think I'm fighting off some sort of cold, so I'd better not drink tonight." I don't like being dishonest, though, so if anyone wants to discuss it, I'll probably explain why.

I hadn't thought about somebody being so ignorant about alcoholism as your friend, though, duggy -- many of my friends work in the health field, so I guess I expect them to be more knowledgeable than average on the subject. I suppose I will find out, though! Thanks for sharing.

stanleyhouse

Duggy
I know in the beginning it seems like you are missing out on fun and opportunities to see your friends but it does change as you get further along in recovery. So much is going to change and your outlook on life will be different from anything you could have imagined. You will find true friendships on your journey. I am so happy for you today
sh

Fandy

I've found out that most of my friends and family don't care if i choose not to drink...if I am invited somewhere to someone's house, i always bring my own special favorite beverage or teabags (and enough for others to share).

I now find myself watching how other people drink alcohol during a social gathering. Most are satisfied with 1-2 drinks for an entire evening...some switch to water or coffee after one drink...not me, when I was drinking i would suck the wine down like it was the life fluid i depended on.

it sounds like your friend uses alcohol as a reward....and her level of understanding is minimal. Don't worry about it. If she is really your friend, she will support you. My good friends support me in my sobriety, they never make me feel to be the odd person out.

smacked

I had to ditch my drinking buddies.. and make awesome new friends.

You're protecting yourself, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

duggy

you guys are absolutely right!

the more I think about it though..is right now, for me I have to live and well exist in this black and white kind of world. I guess what i'm saying is..is that gray area scares me to death. I have no doubt that if around it..I probably would drink..I admit it..I am just not that strong at the moment..and i've fought so hard the past two days to not give in..I don't want to risk it..I just don't trust me yet.

My hands are SO dry from wringing them lolol...as much as I hang in there..I am a hot mess at times during the day lol

chicubs1

I just celebrated 9 months in recovery on Sunday and you're right - A LOT of people just don't get it. One of the cool things I've learned on my journey is that I chose to get sober and I can also choose which people I want in my life. Does it suck that my huge circle of friends has gotten dramatically smaller? Yes. Does it suck that one of my lifelong best friends doesn't get it? Of course. Fortunately my best friend now totally gets it and on balance I'd rather have him and a small group of close friends/family that think I'm still fun without stumbling around making an ass out of myself than dozens of superficial friends who think that's what having fun is all about. Finding the people that "get it" are the ones you deserve in your life, not the ones that's don't.

Carrie36

My recovery counsellor told me that it is really important to avoid people, places and things completely for the first 30 days that will trigger cravings or be unsupportive in your quest for sobriety. We are so very vulnerable right now this early in the game.

Do not feel guilty, or frustrated. You cant change her reaction to your new path but you can change how you react to it.

Sometimes your friends or drinking buddies get defensive about your choice to quit because it makes them hafta look at their own drinking habits.


I think you are probably loads of fun

We just need to learn to have a different kinda fun! lol

Mark75

You done good

It gets better... I tailgated with some friends last Saturday... what a great day for a game... These people, I never told, but somehow along the way, they know I don't drink anymore... well, anyway.... they showed me where the soda was and I had a hamburger... I don't tell them anything, they don't want or need to know.

It was a great day and my son and I had a blast. Great game (I caught a field goal in the cheap seats we were sitting in!!) It was nice to visit with friends afterwards. Could I have done that two years ago, and enjoyed myself?... nope.... I don't try to make anyone understand, hell, I don't understand it myself!!

It gets better, I promise. When you trust yourself, when the black and white world you say you live in.... becomes vivid,natural and full color you will be able to do anything you want, except drink

Fandy

what Carrie said i also think is very true....you are standing up and saying something that others have maybe just thought about (just as we did when you felt like crappola too many mornings as opposed to feeling good).

these people may be questioning their own habits and not be ready to take the step you have....that is their issue not yours.

I do think it gets easier over time...Last Easter I was AGONIZING over a family dinner with wine being served, GASP! what would I do???, there was no need to worry, poof I made it up in my own head...yes there was wine served with dinner and no i didn't care for any thanks...simple, no questions.

Stang

I've only told a couple of close friends about my alcoholism. The worst of it over the last three years of my drinking was done secluded at home. The two I have told are supportive. ANYONE who threatens my sobriety has to go....period!

Having said that you have to understand that most people just don't understand and you can't expect them to. I've been told I can't be an alcoholic because I drank beer, had a job, a house.....ect...LOL. NOPE they just don't get it.

LaFemme

One thing I've noticed...people I thought were fun and interesting when I drank were no longer fun and interesting when I was sober...so in reality it was they who became "not fun" not me:-)

I am lucky in that most of my good friends are not big drinkers...I'm not as lucky with my family, and I can't ditch them;-p

Juneof44

I can't be around people who are drinking because the are F$%^#&NG ANNOYING. Like, if I answer the same question more than 3 times, you're annoying me. If you are hanging on me like a railing or some kind of crutch to keep from falling down, you're annoying me.

If you reek like a brewery, you're disgusting me.

Fortunately, most of my friends don't really drink, or at least not around me they don't. I am very up front and clear about my focus and direction, so there is no gray area. Most of the time, they respect that, and if they don't, I don't need to be around them until they do respect it.