How do you get to a meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
How do you get to a meeting
If you know that the alcoholic in your life would be very upset if you went to one?
*LONG time lurker, posting again*
I really need to start going to meetings, and I know this, but as a SAHM of 3 kids(youngest is 2) the logistics of going are a bit daunting. I live rurally, about 25 miles from the closest meeting. I don't have a babysitter, MIL would never do it(he doesn't have a problem according to her) and I stopped talking to my mother when I tried to move out with the kids last year, and she told me how ridiculous I was being(so, basically no family support)
I know he'd be upset because he's not at the acceptance stage of alcoholism yet. He's been going downhill over the last few years, and even more so in the last year(he used to be a functional alcoholic, but since he started being seen for PTSD and prescribed anti-depressants, the drinking has progressed to where he starts almost as soon as he gets home from work, and continues until he passes out) He went to one AA meeting last fall, and then never again.
I need to get my head on straight before I attempt to move out again, and I'm sure working the steps will help me with that.
Thanks in advance.
*LONG time lurker, posting again*
I really need to start going to meetings, and I know this, but as a SAHM of 3 kids(youngest is 2) the logistics of going are a bit daunting. I live rurally, about 25 miles from the closest meeting. I don't have a babysitter, MIL would never do it(he doesn't have a problem according to her) and I stopped talking to my mother when I tried to move out with the kids last year, and she told me how ridiculous I was being(so, basically no family support)
I know he'd be upset because he's not at the acceptance stage of alcoholism yet. He's been going downhill over the last few years, and even more so in the last year(he used to be a functional alcoholic, but since he started being seen for PTSD and prescribed anti-depressants, the drinking has progressed to where he starts almost as soon as he gets home from work, and continues until he passes out) He went to one AA meeting last fall, and then never again.
I need to get my head on straight before I attempt to move out again, and I'm sure working the steps will help me with that.
Thanks in advance.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Some meetings have childcare arrangements--you can call Al-Anon and ask whether there are any in your area.
Or do you have a friend who could mind them for a couple of hours while you hit a meeting?
So far as the alcoholic being "upset", OH WELL. Al-Anon isn't about him, it's about you. You will learn to detach from trying to please him all the time. Unless he is actually abusive (in which case you might need domestic violence help before anything else), he will just have to be unhappy about it.
Or do you have a friend who could mind them for a couple of hours while you hit a meeting?
So far as the alcoholic being "upset", OH WELL. Al-Anon isn't about him, it's about you. You will learn to detach from trying to please him all the time. Unless he is actually abusive (in which case you might need domestic violence help before anything else), he will just have to be unhappy about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow pixilation - sounds like you don't have much freedom! I know how hard it can be to do your own thing when you have small children and no help.
Do you have any friends w/ kids you could trade off 2 hrs of babysitting every week?
I have heard of meetings that offer babysitting but I have never actually seen one. But maybe in a rural area that might exist. Have you called your local AlAnon number and described your situation? I don't know! Just keep putting it out there and sometimes help or a solution comes from unexpected places.
As far as what to tell your AH I guess it really depends on your situation. I'm guessing there isn't much you do on your own so you'd have to tell him something! Can you say you're joining a women's group? a mother's group? book club? volunteering? Those are fairly inocuous feints, and are all normal non-threatening activities that women participate in.
What are you afraid of? Is there a threat of violence? Or does he have you in the fear-lock paralysis of the alcoholic. They don;t want anything to change - especially if it is a threat to their drinking or makes them have to face the consequences of their drinking.
Good luck-- looking forward to other's response!
Peace-
B
Do you have any friends w/ kids you could trade off 2 hrs of babysitting every week?
I have heard of meetings that offer babysitting but I have never actually seen one. But maybe in a rural area that might exist. Have you called your local AlAnon number and described your situation? I don't know! Just keep putting it out there and sometimes help or a solution comes from unexpected places.
As far as what to tell your AH I guess it really depends on your situation. I'm guessing there isn't much you do on your own so you'd have to tell him something! Can you say you're joining a women's group? a mother's group? book club? volunteering? Those are fairly inocuous feints, and are all normal non-threatening activities that women participate in.
What are you afraid of? Is there a threat of violence? Or does he have you in the fear-lock paralysis of the alcoholic. They don;t want anything to change - especially if it is a threat to their drinking or makes them have to face the consequences of their drinking.
Good luck-- looking forward to other's response!
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I know this will sound a bit like 'if I can do it so can you' but here goes.
I felt the need to go to Al anon, there is no meeting in my town or even anywhere close, I don't have a car so the nearest is a 2 hour bus ride, and the same back home. I have 3 kids, no husband and a full time job where I don't get the same days off every week.
I've managed 3 meetings in the last six months, because I want to, because I know they're good for me. I would like to get to more but I don't want to tell work why I need that particular day off. I get there when I can, and it's like walking into a room of friends I saw yesterday everytime I do!
Take the kids with you, there've been a couple there at the meetings I go to, everyone is their Aunt or Uncle ofr an hour and no one minds at all.
I felt the need to go to Al anon, there is no meeting in my town or even anywhere close, I don't have a car so the nearest is a 2 hour bus ride, and the same back home. I have 3 kids, no husband and a full time job where I don't get the same days off every week.
I've managed 3 meetings in the last six months, because I want to, because I know they're good for me. I would like to get to more but I don't want to tell work why I need that particular day off. I get there when I can, and it's like walking into a room of friends I saw yesterday everytime I do!
Take the kids with you, there've been a couple there at the meetings I go to, everyone is their Aunt or Uncle ofr an hour and no one minds at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
There is one meeting in town that has childcare, unfortunately it is at 1pm, which is the toddlers naptime.
I was working until right before I left last year, I quit in part due to his drinking, I started coming home after work(11pm) to find several empty cans of beer sitting around, it's also why I don't want to leave him alone with the kids anymore.
If he knows that I'm going to an Al-anon meeting, I'm sure he'll be bitching about me and my messed up thinking to the kids, to his mom, and anyone else who will listen.
I may just try using "craft night" as an excuse, but I want to try it on a Friday night, so that at least my teenage son is around and can stay here in case something happens. If I try grocery shopping, he knows how long that takes, and will call me constantly if I seem to have been out too long.
he doesn't want anything to change, and I do..to a point. I'll admit I have some fear going on. Never heard the fear-lock paralysis idea before though, it sounds like that sums up what is going on.
I was working until right before I left last year, I quit in part due to his drinking, I started coming home after work(11pm) to find several empty cans of beer sitting around, it's also why I don't want to leave him alone with the kids anymore.
If he knows that I'm going to an Al-anon meeting, I'm sure he'll be bitching about me and my messed up thinking to the kids, to his mom, and anyone else who will listen.
I may just try using "craft night" as an excuse, but I want to try it on a Friday night, so that at least my teenage son is around and can stay here in case something happens. If I try grocery shopping, he knows how long that takes, and will call me constantly if I seem to have been out too long.
he doesn't want anything to change, and I do..to a point. I'll admit I have some fear going on. Never heard the fear-lock paralysis idea before though, it sounds like that sums up what is going on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe you can adjust the naptime, gradually. Kids are pretty flexible--if you try getting the little one up or down a little earlier or later s/he will probably adjust.
It might be best, given the resistance you might encounter, to go during the day when he is at work.
It might be best, given the resistance you might encounter, to go during the day when he is at work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It may take some effort or creative thinking, but I'm sure that you'll be able to figure out a way to go if it's that important to you. Adjusting a toddlers schedule one day a week is a feasible option. He or she will get over it faster than the life long trauma of growing up in a house full of unhappiness, uncertainty and addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Al-Anon/Alateen offers something called Lone Membership Services. It is designed for those people who live in isolated areas or with limited resources who, for whatever reason, can't get to traditional meetings. They can also help set you up with meetings online. Not the same as a face to face but it may be able to get you through until you can come up with something better. If you google "Alanon Lone Member Services" you can get more info on how to get info on phone, email, bulletin board or online meetings Hope this helps!
http://www.ola-is.org/
http://www.ola-is.org/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi,
What a situation but we have it all here. There are on line alanon meetings and we have a meeting on Sat nites at 9pm and we have our own chat room if you want some real time support. We have the alanoroom room for F&F chats and usually you just post a thread that you want to talk to someone.
I would also like to inform you that some antidepressants for PTSD can increase drinking. IDK how you could approach this with your husband but mine noticed it himself and talked to the psych. I don't know how well known this info is but it it is a fact. There are other meds for PTSD that will help to decrease alcohol use.
There is reading material at the top of the forum here as well to help you out. Please do all you can to gain some sanity in your life.
What a situation but we have it all here. There are on line alanon meetings and we have a meeting on Sat nites at 9pm and we have our own chat room if you want some real time support. We have the alanoroom room for F&F chats and usually you just post a thread that you want to talk to someone.
I would also like to inform you that some antidepressants for PTSD can increase drinking. IDK how you could approach this with your husband but mine noticed it himself and talked to the psych. I don't know how well known this info is but it it is a fact. There are other meds for PTSD that will help to decrease alcohol use.
There is reading material at the top of the forum here as well to help you out. Please do all you can to gain some sanity in your life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
