AmandaM

Ok well this is going to be very long so I appologize in advance.

I am currently on round two of trying to break my codependant relationship with my mother.

For as long as I can remember she has been an alcoholic. My father was too (although he didn't stick around in my life, thats a whole other issue). My grandparents are alcoholics my uncle is an alcoholic.. I have been surrounded by it all my life. I too have issues with drinking and am desperately trying to break the cycle for the sake of my children. And with all of my family history of alcoholism, abandonment from my father, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, I have somehow managed to marry the most fantastic man in the world. He doesn't drink or smoke or gamle... nothing... So atleast I have that going for me.

I suffer with severe anxiety and depression. It is at its worst now and I feel like everyday I am trying to dig a little further out of this hole and some days are good and I can begin to reach the surface then something happens (usually to do with my mother) and somehow that pit has gotten deeper and I am all the way back down the bottom. I have been on medication, but refuse to go back on it. I can't stand being a zombie I want to feel... I just don't want to feel this damm depression.

My mother and I have such a strange relationship. I have had to go through a lot with her as a child. I was the one picking up all the pieces not any of my other brothers and sisters... always me My mother has had a few attempts at suicide and I have found her. The first being when I was quite young and the second not that long ago, during my first attempt to break this codependant relationship.... I am forever reassuring her that she is fine and don't worry what others say after you have called them drunk and abused them, you are right they are idiots. Constantly at her beck and call when she gets drunk and depressed (every second day), I drop everything leave my husband and children at home and go to her to sit and wallow in her self pity with her. But you know what, she is awesome when she is sober. Most of the time although lately she has been just as bad when she is sober. I find that I am beginning to resent her. I am going to be brutally honest here and say that the thought has crossed my mind 'why can't you just do it properly so I can grieve and be done with it, instead of this constant battle and not being sure if you will be here tomorrow?' That is terrible isn't it. I feel like such a bad person. I feel like I should be doing more to help her, maybe I can have her committed? She would just get out and continue the same as before I suppose.

How do I stop this. I mean really the odds that she will try to kill herself if I break communication with her are so high that I don't think it is worth the risk. I would rather deal with the depression myself and spare her her own feelings. How can I live with myself if she kills herself because I have cut ties? She tried it last time, why not again? I am doing everything in my power not to call her tonight because I know she is drinking, and I feel SICK. I am sitting here wondering if she is ok, wanting to pick up the phone and dial her and know that if I did I would feel worse after because I would know just how drunk she is.

I feel so defeated. It all sounds good in theory, I am just not strong enough to do it. I am weak. You know what I am about to do right now, I am about to go and pour myself a glass of wine because I want this pain to go away. So am I just as bad as her? Probably. Am I terified to do this to my children? HELL YES!!!! Do I care? Not right now because all I can think about is having a drink and forgetting my worries. Do I think my children will be better off without me? Yes I honestly do, I couldn't live with myself if I put them through all these years of pain. Its not fair. Why did I decide to bring these precious little children into my ****** up life? Selfish? Yes... Regret it? actually no, my children are beautiful, intelligent little creatures and I love them dearly, which is why I cannot do this to them... I feel like I am fighting a battle in my head, one side telling me all the reasons I shouldn't be here and the other telling me why I should be... I don't know which side will win, but I know I am sick of fighting it.....

I actually hate my mother sometimes? How is it that I can hate her and resent her so much but then put her first over my own family? Why am I so ****** in the head that I can't do the right thing by my own family that I chose to create????

I am so sorry for the long post, I just had to get it out, I can't keep it in any longer.... I am at breaking point and I am scared

If you got this far, thank you

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am sorry that you are caught up in the chaos with your mother's addiction. You have your own concerns and family to consider, while still being pulled into her drama.

I hope you will continue to reach out for help and support here. You will find lots of information and support here. Information on alcoholism and support for your own alcohol cravings. Please pull out the keyboard to make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

Today, this moment is yours. This is your one precious life. You choose how you will spend this day. You have an amazing husband. You have beautiful children. You have depression, anxiety and alcohol cravings. Today: YOU are your priority.

Someone shared an illustration with me that helped put my priorities into perspective:
When traveling by commercial airplane, you must listen to a pre-flight safety speech. Part of the speech includes information about air masks. The air masks will drop down in the event of an emergency. You are then instructed : to put on your own air mask before attempting to assist anyone else.

Hun, it is time to put on your own air mask.

You did not cause your mother's alcoholism
You can not control your mother's alcoholism
You will not cure your mother's alcoholism

Your mother is an adult. Her addiction is her responsibility.

You have your own cravings, depression and anxiety to address.

Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a recovering ex-spouse of an active alcoholic husband.
I am a recovering codependent.
I also struggle with depression.

I had to want sobriety more than my family, career, marriage, and home. If I didn't make sobriety my priority, I was at risk for loosing everything.

My personal experience is: Alcohol is a depressant. It does not mix with anti-depressants. I could not address my depression or anxiety until I addressed my addiction to alcohol.

Please reach out for the help you need right now with getting your own air mask firmly in place. Focus on getting help for yourself. Establishing boundaries with your mom, may help you detach from her personal struggles.

Bernadette

Hi AmandaM!
Welcome!

I was in a similar place with my A brothers (one in particular) just riding that roller coaster up and down, serving their needs, hoping to "help" them - all the while making myself nuts and depressed!

AlAnon helped me learn how to stop thinking the way I did and how to release the guilt and the shame and the belief that their addiction was something I could help them with.

You mentioned you are also struggling with a drink problem, do you go to AA? The meetings are sometimes held in the same places - but AlAnon is for the Friends & Family of alcoholics. There are lots of "double winners" who have recovered from alcoholism and codependency!

You asked:
Why am I so ****** in the head that I can't do the right thing by my own family that I chose to create????

The simple answer is because growing up with alcoholics completely messes with your head and your understanding of relationships, priorities, and what is "normal."

For me, the bad thought patterns became ingrained since childhood. It took some effort and discipline but I did find through AlAnon and therapy that I could change my bad habits of mind. That I could change my behavior. And nobody died! The world did not end. And I became a much healthier person and mom to my children.

If you are truly concerned about your mom committing suicide then you must also realize that is a problem much much bigger than YOU! The day I could finally say to my brothers - I can't help you with your drinking problem but here is the number to some people who can - and I handed them the number to local AA and then I let it go was like my day of liberation from self-imposed prison.

Same with suicide - if someone threatens that or is in danger of harming themselves that is way way above my training in this life! They need professional help. If they refuse professional help then that is their choice and adults are free and should be allowed the dignity of their own choices - however much those choices cause us pain or cause them pain. It is your mom's choice how she wants to live. Believe it. Just as it is your CHOICE whether to make some changes and stop serving her addiction, and start naking the choices that serve you and your children and DH (dear husband).

Since letting go of my illusions of control over my brothers's drinking I have been able to salvage something out of our relationship that is not focused always on their drinking! And I stopped resenting them and their problems because I stopped taking on other people's sh*t as my own. I have enough of my OWN sh*t to deal with thank you very much!

I am glad you are here Amanda! Stick around. The hour is darkest before the dawn and it is great that you are reaching out for help! Keep seeking and more importantly for us codies ACCEPTING help!
Peace-
B

LexieCat

Hi, Amanda,

There's little I can add to the wisdom of Pelican's and Bernadette's responses.

If your mother truly wanted to kill herself, surely she would have done so by now. There are ways to ensure successful suicide. Rather, she knows (and I'm not saying she is doing it consciously) that if she makes the dramatic gesture she will immediately have your full attention and devotion.

In reality, of course, she is holding you hostage.

And alcoholism IS hereditary to some extent, so I second the idea of AA for yourself and Al-Anon for the relationship with your mom. I'm in AA, and I have been in Al-Anon to deal with my relationship with alcoholics in my life.

Hugs, life can look much better in recovery!

nodaybut2day

This x 100. You are being held hostage by your own mother.

You do not deserve this.

I strongly recommend Al-Anon and counselling to help you break this cycle and learn how to detach from her drama. If she threatens suicide once more, call 911 and let the professionals deal with her. It may feel "cruel" and cold to do this, but you need to take care of yourself. If you don't, who will?

WELCOME to SR. You'll find lots of experience and support here. I do hope you come back and post as often as you like.

AmandaM

Thank you all for the responses. I am struggling a bit at the moment, but I have managed now two nights of not running to her when she is drunk. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am not saying it will never happen again, and I have spent those two nights sleepless and depressed, but it has to be a positive for the long run right???

TakingCharge999

Hi Amanda!

I identify with you - I also feel depressed - but don't want to feel like a zombie and sleep and not feel a thing. At first its like your brain is washed and everything is bright, but later I felt NOTHING and just wanted to sleep. Have you gone to a therapist?

My therapist thinks I am acting just like my mom, trying to show her love by being as unmotivated/miserable as she is (at least in my mind) and that all this chaos I create is something I learned. That I can be someone different. That I am someone independent and able to create my life according to my own needs, tastes. I really wish you find a good therapist, so you can release yourself from those jails - many of us are striving for that freedom, so you are not alone. Its really scary but there is also an inner voice saying "its enough, there must be something else out there. its enough.."

Hugs and all the best. PS your love for your children shows.