Ugh, there's no good approach

Old 10-05-2010, 05:00 PM
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Ugh, there's no good approach

My aexh asked me if he could bring his gf to a conference with the school counselor about some of our daughter's difficulties; I said no, I wouldn't consider it until I saw some indication that she was willing to assist with my daughter's care instead of acting like the mommy and primary caretaker. I also brought up that I don't think a live in relationship where the woman is determined to take on the role of wife and mother and the man is determined to keep his hand ring-free is the greatest environment to raise a child in-- especially a daughter.

Maybe I'm interfering... but I don't think so. I have no ulterior motives, and I don't expect him to change. I have just gotten to the point where I'm not going to hide what I think anymore. It was gently suggested to me last year that I should make an effort to speak my mind more often; my views are no less valid than anyone's. If I die next week, it would be stupid for no one to know what I believe about things going on around me.

I don't know what is worse: the grimy and disgusting feeling I have for getting involved, or the anger I feel because he is doing something to me that I would never do to him by letting someone else be my child's mother. My guess is, she thinks she's more qualified to take care of my child than I am, and he doesn't have the ba!!s to stand up to her. Okay, so be it. Sure, he can blow a bunch of smoke out of his hind end about it to me... but just the same, that's what I think.

I don't expect him to have the strength or emotional maturity to set those kind of boundaries; he's proved over and over and over that he doesn't. I've just finally gotten to the point that I can stand up to them by myself and be okay with it, but I hate doing it. I hate the person I become when I deal with him and let him know what I think, and I also hate how I feel when I keep my mouth shut and pretend that it's all right for my child to witness all their conflict, and for me to take a back seat to my own daughter's care. Yuck. Yuck. I will be profoundly grateful when my daughter is of age and I don't have to deal with him, or them, anymore.

Thanks. Hugs much appreciated.
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:15 PM
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Good for you! If they were actually married, it would be one thing, but just a girlfriend? Nah...she doesn't need to be there.

Oops...forgot the hug.:ghug3
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:19 PM
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Heck no she doesn't need to be there.

I just shake my head sometimes...
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:45 PM
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Could it be more obvious that he's looking to take the pressure off himself to be a single Dad for his daughter. Pathetic.
Makes me value men like Coyote here on SR who drop the BS and get down to raising their child whatever the circumstances.
Pushing for his GF to be an instant mommy is just backing out of the responsbility. Big shock there for an addict, right?
I'm sure this turkey would have something to say if you ran out and grabbed the first available dude to be a stand-in father to avoid doing your level best for your daughter.

I'm disgusted.

Good for you for stating your boundaries and sticking to your guns on it. In doing so, you state boundaries for your daughter who can't express herself in the same way, right? Right.

Applause to you!!

Alice
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:13 PM
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Maybe I'm interfering... but I don't think so.
Hardly! She's your daughter.

It was gently suggested to me last year that I should make an effort to speak my mind more often; my views are no less valid than anyone's.
Amen, sister. Especially where your daughter is concerned. She doesn't need two mothers. She needs her mother and her father.

Your daughter is lucky that her dad's GF cares about her...but...the GF could use some boundaries. Don't ever feel guilty for "getting involved" where your daughter is concerned.
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:20 PM
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The reality of the situation is that he is the child's other parent and it seems to me that he may not have been asking your permission given that he is no longer your spouse, but that he was asking as a courtesy.
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:20 PM
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he was asking as a courtesy

Ugh. Good point.
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:56 PM
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I feel for you. I went through this exact same thing with my ex, except that he was married to 'her'. It was absolutely ridiculous how he abdicated his role as parent to his new wife..and she gladly took it on because that gave her the control she craved. It took me TWO YEARS of bitching, nagging, and standing my ground to make them understand that HE is the parent and when there is an issue to discuss about our children then I will DISCUSS IT WITH HIM ONLY...which put an end to emails. Yes, she was even writing his emails for him. We spoke only by telephone. She was some kinda pissed off -- and he was too, for awhile -- but I never backed down. Never.
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Old 10-05-2010, 08:12 PM
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Good for you for standing your ground. I agree, what a joke: she could just up and move out next month, yet in the meantime he's happy to shift the parenting burdens to her. Free nanny!

I can gently point out that unfortunately it's not entirely up to you, but I think you know that. If we wishes to bring her along he will. *However* I strongly feel that the school guidance counsellor or teacher will see things the way you do too. I imagine they would only want actual parents at such a conference. If someone showed up with a girlfriend/nanny, they'll probably be like, "And you are...?"
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Old 10-06-2010, 12:26 AM
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Congratulations on speaking your mind !!

I am amazed at how many males can't go to the local 7 Eleven by themselves. Really. They can't. I believe its because they know if they go alone they are in bad company

Funny how codependence plays out - I realized its a similar thing with my dad and his wife - SHE controls everything - he is somehow "afraid" of her- more like mom-son not partner-partner. Ugh. Guess where I learned!

Courtesy..? courtesy would be to man up and take a step by himself for HIS daughter. I mean ..anyone here has an athletic, stunning Nordic cousin or friend or uncle that can go with BuffaloGal???

Perhaps he could give advice about how the biological's father alcoholism has affected the daughter. Have him hand XAH an AA booklet and a Miss Manners book. Let's see if he finds that courteous
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:50 AM
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No, I don't think you're interfering. You're the mom and you don't have to coparent with your X's latest fling. I say this as mom, but also as someone who was a stepmom for a long time. As much as I loved my DSS, I never dealt directly with his mother. I left that to my X. We kept our distances, were polite to each other and that's it. I didn't want her to feel like I was sticking my nose where it plainly didn't below, and I only stepped in when she specifically asked me to.
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Old 10-06-2010, 07:15 AM
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I dunno, I think "No," is a great approach. I bet with a little practice you can become an expert.

I remember some of your posts about the ex and this woman. I would have dotted her eye by now, so be cheered in knowing you're doing better than Transformie. If that's any consolation at all...

Lately, I've been enacting a new policy in my life. It goes like this:

Sort out honestly, with myself, what my boundaries are.
Communicate those boundaries to others
Enforce them when they're not respected.

It's tricky but Holy Hell is it better than everything else I've been doing-which is mainly not creating boundaries and then feeling victimized and angry about it.
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Old 10-06-2010, 09:13 AM
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I know it seems awful and feels threatening but I try to focus only on what I can control. In most cases, I have found, the only thing within my power to control are my own thoughts, perceptions and attitude. Unfortunately, most people are not on the same page as me, and often do not place my feelings about something at the top of their priority lists.

If the best he can do as a parent in this situation, as you describe, is provide a proxy parent to act on his behalf, then that may actually be the BEST he is ever going to be able to do. Can you accept that? Is there any thing you can do to change that?

My guess is, SHE is actually a lot like US, given that she is living with an alcoholic man. The fact that she is even interested in attending your child's guidance counselor appointment, IMO, speaks volumes. I have participated in these kinds of things as the GF in many of my past relationships with men with young children. I have always tried to work WITH the mothers of those children, in order to ensure that EVERYONE is on the same page and acts in the best interest of the child. My participation was NEVER meant to threaten, judge or say anything about those mothers.
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Old 10-06-2010, 01:04 PM
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My guess is, she thinks she's more qualified to take care of my child than I am, and he doesn't have the ba!!s to stand up to her. Okay, so be it. Sure, he can blow a bunch of smoke out of his hind end about it to me... but just the same, that's what I think.

I don't expect him to have the strength or emotional maturity to set those kind of boundaries; he's proved over and over and over that he doesn't.
My guess is he actually doesn't give a rat's ass about whether you feel she is muscling in on your territory/judging your parenting and is playing the two of you off against each other.

but you can't force him to step up and be a parent, so whilst you don't have to discuss things with her, maybe the best you are going to get is accepting that there is another person in the world who wants the best for your daughter?

My guess is, SHE is actually a lot like US, given that she is living with an alcoholic man.
yes, so her heart is probably in the right place, but we all know how our we-know-best motivation and judgemental sides can get the better of us, and how by "helping" we can make things worse. I am NOT looking forward to when exah gets a lovely, new, girlfriend who tries to "help" him get different contact terms, tries to smooth communications between us, meddles in parenting decisions etc, and I don't care if there is one person whom he marries and stays with forever, or if there are a series of lovely codies one after another.

I have step parents, they came into my life when I was a young adult, so I imagine that colours my perception, I am very fond of both of them, really happy that my parents love them, and respect them as elders and grandparents to my children, and their wishes when I am in their respective homes etc. But they are not my parents, and frankly have no role in "parenting" me, on the few occassions that either of them have wandered into that territory, I have resented it hugely, thanked them for their "advice" and then ignored it.

I don't beleive that a "step-parent" makes up for a lousy parent, it is a very different role. I have heard girl-friends (not codies, without kids of their own) go on about how they are as deeply committed to their partner's children as the children's mother is (erm, no - you're not), when actually it is an issue of "territory" regarding the partner, as once the relationship ends, they hardly give the kids a second thought. That is not to down-play the step-parent role, and I would hope that my kids could make their own loving relationships with any partners that exAH has in future, and would hope that any partner of his would follow our lead as far as supporting our parenting decisions go, however I have to admit the idea of another woman thinking in the way quoted below about MY kids, gets my back up - probably irrationally. Sorry L2L.

I have always tried to work WITH the mothers of those children, in order to ensure that EVERYONE is on the same page and acts in the best interest of the child.
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Old 10-06-2010, 01:19 PM
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I can only speak for myself and my own motivations, not this particular woman's or anyone else's. Though I have learned, time and again, that it is usually best for me and everyone involved with me to expect the best possible motivations in others. I do not want to spend the rest of my life paranoid, guessing, trying to figure out what someone is doing, my back up, angry and pi$$ed off all the time that someone is trying to do something to me, or that their actions say something about me. When I am this way, I have no peace or serenity. You choose your own reality.
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Old 10-06-2010, 03:24 PM
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Well, here's my take on courtesy: I didn't bring my boyfriend to parent teacher conferences, and my ex THANKED me for my consideration. He won't return it though.

Gosh, where to start. No, this person isn't a temporary relationship for my aexh; they've lived together for about three years now. She does care very much about my daughter (and aexh). But, she has absolutely zero sense of when to back off and let things be what they are. Yes, she's a genuinely loving person... so much that she's made it her full time job to compulsively care for a man in his 40s and a child who already has a mother and father. I could care less about their relationship, but as the mom of said child, I've had it out the wazoo with her good intentions.

Who here said, "God didn't put you on this earth to follow around a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher and a pack of Huggies"? That's such a dead-on description of her, it's painful to watch. She wants me to give to her his and my old tax information. She wants me to give her my daughter's library books checked out on his card. She communicates with me when he won't. She lets him live in her house for free (my daughter says). I used to dislike her; now I feel sorry for her.

My daughter is now involved in this mess: she forwarded me the message that "if [her dad's GF] doesn't get things done, they won't get done." Well... I don't doubt that's true. She will probably deal with my daughter's problems better than her dad will (note: this same person denied to me that my child had such issues, and let me know she considered herself to be more qualified to make that judgment than me. Finally the school counselor backed me up. This didn't leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling about the GF).

But it's NOT HER JOB. I don't care how spotty my aexh's performance as a dad is... he's still the dad, and I'm the mom. I did not sign up to raise my child in a threesome! I have accommodated them six ways to Sunday, to the point of slinking away while they publicly had a relationship before we even filed for divorce. I'M DONE putting myself second fiddle. They're not evil people, they can mean well until the cows come home, but I finally made peace what I will and won't have in my life. They can arrange child care in their home however they like; but on my time, there will be two parents.

Gaaahhh!!!!!
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Old 10-06-2010, 04:16 PM
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Aw sorry you are so frustrated, and understandably so. It is good you are thinking to set boundaries here. It could be worse, though, she could be a drunken crackhead.
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:54 PM
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Who here said, "God didn't put you on this earth to follow around a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher and a pack of Huggies"?
That would be the magnificent, glorious, GiveLove. It's my signature and I'm as proud as if I made it up myself. But I didn't.
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Old 10-07-2010, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
If the best he can do as a parent in this situation, as you describe, is provide a proxy parent to act on his behalf, then that may actually be the BEST he is ever going to be able to do. Can you accept that? Is there any thing you can do to change that?
In his own home, that is the best he can do a lot of times, and my daughter thinks so too-- when they're getting along, I hear about the positive interactions my daughter has with the GF while "Dad sits all night in the basement at the computer." No, I can never make my aexh step up to the plate as a parent (or in any other way). Sometimes he does of his own accord, but not consistently.

But I can do something to prevent the proxy parent from becoming the primary parent.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:40 AM
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No offense against the guys, but to tell the truth, I don't think this is limited to just alcoholic men and their enabling GFs or wives. I have noticed this about many men, a few of my brothers included.
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