lostparent

if we are doing the right thing or not. Our AD is in a court ordered kind of rehab they make them take classes an try to give them coping skills. After 6 months she will get out in Nov. She'll be on 3 yrs probation . We won't let her stay here we have fixed her car an will help her get an apartment pay first months rent. There are a lot of people that think we should let her stay here. They act like we don't love her cause we aren't . It hurts us to do this an it hurts that people think this about us.
Should we do more? Are we wrong in not letting her stay here with us?

Lizzaayy

i don't think so. people tell me about my own descisions all the time, especially lately.
you've decided that for a reason. actually, probably a multitude of darn good reasons.
stick to your guns i say.
it's most important for YOU to feel comfortable and safe in YOUR home.

tjp613

The people that tell you that know absolutely NOTHING about addiction and recovery. She will most likely be advised to transition to a sober living house and, in fact, her counselors will most likely advise all of you that it is not in her best interest to return to your home. She has the tools for recovery -- now it's her time to fly! You are doing fine.

What have you been doing for your own recovery?

Seren

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm sorry that you are hearing such criticisms from people who simply do not understand because they have not experienced what you are going through with your AD.

My husband had to kick his son out of his house when the young man was in the middle of his fun-filled crack phase. He would write bad checks, try to intimidate people, threatened to kill his father and one of his brothers, did not have a job, and used his father's house as a crash pad between highs. Mr. HG just was not going to take it anymore.

Since being kicked out, he has been arrested and jailed 3 times, is currently living in a homeless shelter, and works at a factory job in town. Even though he has never been through an in-patient rehab program, we have seen signs of him taking a bit more responsiblity for himself, and he seems to be proud of himself for the steps he has taken.

Your AD needs to learn that she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself--and she is!! As adults, we all need to make our own life decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions. If you allowed her back into your home, you would again be shielding her from the real world.

I do know the pain, though. Please take good care, and I am sending hugs to you and prayers for your daughter.

HG

cece1960

We've all had those well-meaning "earthlings" whispering in our ear at times. They just don't get it, and never will unless they too are faced with a loved one with an addiction.

You don't have to justify to anyone why you do what you do. If they mention again, perhaps you could suggest she stay with them for a spell?

What you are doing is perhaps the hardest, and most loving thing you can do for your daughter. She deserves a chance to stand on her own two feet, and the feeling of achievement when she clears the hurdles she is bound to face.

Keep your chin up Lost, we get it

Serenity Bound

(lostparent) I agree 100% with the others. You are making the right decision.

I heard at a Naranon meeting once

"By enabling them, we are actually DISabling them"

When you really think about it, this is a true statement.....until we get out of their way, they can't grow, learn, mature, or find their way.

Hugs,
Chris

hello-kitty

Maybe help get her into an SLE instead of an apartment? That way she'll have support and help with recovery. And it's cheaper for her too!

lostparent

Thanks for understanding I thought we were doing the right thing but needed to hear it from someone else. This is her 3rd time in jail first time she has ever gotten any counseling or learned any skills to help her deal with it. They don't care where she goes when she's out as long as she has an address to give them an a job within 3 weeks. Like I said not really a rehab but a jail that tries to help them.
She is planning on going to NA meetings, an church or so she says.
As all of you know we love her to death but are at the point all we can do is pray she makes it....Thanks again for the support.

keepinon

I would also reccomend an sle..is less expensive, they have accountability, and must be drug/alcohol free.

Serenity Bound

lostparent...again you're doing the right thing. the last rehab my AD was in...she walked away from....because on visitors day she got very angry with me...you see I told her she would need to go to SL because she was NOT living with me until she had some recovery under her belt. I held firm. Thank HP!

Today my AD has 8 1/2 months clean. Yes, she walked away from rehab, yes she ended up on the streets. Thru it all, her HP was their guiding her. (ME, I had to learn to step back and let HP in)

Hugs,
Chris

WTYJill

Maybe you guys could check into a sober living home on your own while looking for apartments. Some of them are sketchy, but I hear others are pretty good.

I'm not young, but fairly young to be a widow, and in widow lingo, we also use the abbreviation DGI's for the Don't Get Its. They really just don't get it, and how could they? I've gone thru much trial and error, reading of codependency books, attending meetings, and recently coming to this forum, and it's still taken me forever for some things to click.

I'm going to have to face the same situation when my daughter completes rehab if she doesn't go into sober living again. Her first try at that was disastrous ending in an overdose.

Sorry you're going thru this situation. I know it's terrible. I also heard at an alanon meeting recently that we should never do anything for our children that they can do for themselves. I'm trying to put this into practice with my younger child as well.

lostparent

hello-kitty she checked into that an thought about it they only want $250 it is only 1 block from her dealer. The other is down town they don't allow cars no visitors an have a 9pm curfew can't leave on weekends, plus it's $450 a month. She has went 6 months with out seeing her kids as it is an would like to have the freedom to see them when time allows. We left it up to her it's her choice. She knows we can't support her.

outtolunch

I am another who advocates a sober living enviornment as opposed to co-signing a lease, paying the first months rent and handing over the keys ( and I assume insurance) to a car.

It is her choice to use the skills she learned or not. She alone owns her recovery.

What others think or say about your situation, are none of your business. Until they walk in your shoes....

infiniti

She's a big girl, right? A grown adult? She needs to be living on her own, taking care of her responsibilities and obligations and taking care of herself.

As long as there is a safety net underneath her, she has no reason to get better. It's because you love her that you are doing this. We do our dependent addicts no favors by allowing them to continue to be dependent upon us.

Tough love is the hardest of all, and my prayers are with you and your family as you undergo this arduous event.

Serenity Bound

lostparent, your AD sounds quite alot like mine. She had many excuses for not going into SL, including NOT seeing her kids. The one SL that allowed kids was in a BAD neighborhood. Hmmmm. one thing at a time, ya know...not seeing her kids didn't seem important while actively using, however when she wanted me to provide a roof over her head.....she came crying to me that she would lose her kids if she didn't have a place to live. Someone on this forum told me "perhaps I needed to go NO contact and to work more on my own program." At the time, I was too upset to heed that advice. Eventually, I got it. When my AD finally got sick & tired of the life....she found a place to live without my help! Today, she is actively working her program, sees her kids and is facing the consequences that her behaviors caused.

I'm praying that your AD will make the next right choice.

Hugs,
Chris

Impurrfect

(((Lostparent))) - I agree with everyone else. You're doing the right thing. I would hesitate to put my name on a lease for the apt., but that's just the way I was raised. Dad co-signed the first car I bought, and has refused to co-sign anything else, even though I paid the loan off early.

It's totally up to you, but I wouldn't let her come home, either. You've been through enough. I will keep you all in my prayers. She's been on my mind, as have you - found some of the letters from her from back when we used to write I'm truly praying that this is her time to get on recovery road.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

I too, agree with everyone else, the well meaning friends and family really have no clue about addiction.

You are doing the right thing!

Hugs,

Ann

The founder of SR, a recovering addict named Jon, often reminded us that we just might love them right into the grave.

That was a jolt for me, but I have never forgotten it and today I see the truth in every word.

It takes more love to let go than it does to try to hang on. Tough love is tough on us, and perhaps the kindest thing we could ever do for our addict loved ones.

Hang in there, you did the right thing.

And pooey on those who judge, they have no clue what it is like to be us and we can only pray they never find out through their own experience.

Hugs

lostparent

Well the car is in her name an she will carry the insurance if not it's on her not us. Am going to talk to her again about the cheap place it's not really a SL more like a place for women who have no home. Though they do require you stay clean. We weren't going to put the lease in our name if we could help it. The counselor where she's at is helping her find cheap places that rent by the month or 6 months.
While I don't want to have her here an want her on her own I want her to have a fighting chance at least. Without a place to live she will go to prison.
Oh an we have guardianship of her kids so she can't use them to get what she wants anymore..= )

lostparent

Thanks everyone this as you know is hard enough without second guessing myself. An your right the ones telling me that have never had to deal with addiction.
Makes me feel so much better hearing you guys say I'm not a mean uncaring mother..