Help Remind Me I'm Not Being Uncompassionate
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Help Remind Me I'm Not Being Uncompassionate
I've been doing great with NC...have no idea what my XAH is up to, where he's staying, what he's doing for money, for food, etc. I haven't heard anything except for a VM from his sister over two weeks ago telling me he'd be officially out of money/place to stay in a couple days.
For the most part, it's been very peaceful, not knowing. His attempts to contact me have dwindled, as well.
But now that it's getting colder here, I do find myself worrying and awfulizing from time-to-time, and sometimes I feel bad and guilty thinking what if he is just out in the cold weather? What if he's hungry?
Somebody posted this on another message board (non-alcoholic related) I go to, and it hurt to read:
"It has been my experience that people are ashamed to help the folks they see as destitute. They are willing to let someone crash on their sofa for a night if they know that they have a back-up bed, somewhere else. They are happy to provide dinner, so long as they know you would be eating even without their generosity. It seems that if you’ve never been homeless or lost or hungry, if you don’t know what that feels like, is too embarrassing to give things to people who might die without them– it is humiliating to hand someone the only food they’ve had all week.
No one is skittish about giving things up so that others can live comfortably. But they are unspeakably afraid of giving away something so someone can merely live."
Or, like on the Amazing Race last night, they showed many of the racers turning away beggars, and then there was one racer who gave him some money and said, "He's somebody's son". Things like that trigger me sometimes into thinking that I'm being uncompassionate by not even attempting to see if my XAH needs some kind of help.
Mind you, this feeling quickly passes, and I remember that all my help didn't seem to help, just hurt. And that he needs to learn how to survive in this world without me being his dysfunctional mommy. And that I need to save all my resources/money for my dd, whose complete financial and emotional care now falls completely on me.
But still, I hate to think of him potentially cold or hungry.
For the most part, it's been very peaceful, not knowing. His attempts to contact me have dwindled, as well.
But now that it's getting colder here, I do find myself worrying and awfulizing from time-to-time, and sometimes I feel bad and guilty thinking what if he is just out in the cold weather? What if he's hungry?
Somebody posted this on another message board (non-alcoholic related) I go to, and it hurt to read:
"It has been my experience that people are ashamed to help the folks they see as destitute. They are willing to let someone crash on their sofa for a night if they know that they have a back-up bed, somewhere else. They are happy to provide dinner, so long as they know you would be eating even without their generosity. It seems that if you’ve never been homeless or lost or hungry, if you don’t know what that feels like, is too embarrassing to give things to people who might die without them– it is humiliating to hand someone the only food they’ve had all week.
No one is skittish about giving things up so that others can live comfortably. But they are unspeakably afraid of giving away something so someone can merely live."
Or, like on the Amazing Race last night, they showed many of the racers turning away beggars, and then there was one racer who gave him some money and said, "He's somebody's son". Things like that trigger me sometimes into thinking that I'm being uncompassionate by not even attempting to see if my XAH needs some kind of help.
Mind you, this feeling quickly passes, and I remember that all my help didn't seem to help, just hurt. And that he needs to learn how to survive in this world without me being his dysfunctional mommy. And that I need to save all my resources/money for my dd, whose complete financial and emotional care now falls completely on me.
But still, I hate to think of him potentially cold or hungry.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"A's" are very good at finding shelter, if that is what they want. They can go to the Salvation Army, and, there are other sleep havens. Also, there are many soup kitchens and the Salvation Army serves dinner every night. So, help is there for him, if that is what he wants.
And, what about him finding a job? That is also an option.
And, what about him finding a job? That is also an option.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The guy who gave the money to the beggar didn't take him home with him so the beggar could abuse his kindness.
Why isn't his sister letting him live there? Probably for the same reason you don't want to live with him.
There are shelters and kitchens for the homeless.
I'm in AA and there's a guy with a very solid 13 years sobriety who talks about how he lived in a cardboard box for a brief period of time. The novelty wore off, and he chose to recover. He has a nice home and family now.
He will find a way to survive, and if he gets miserable enough, he might just decide he doesn't want to live that way anymore.
Keep taking good care of yourself, and enjoy your newfound peace.
Why isn't his sister letting him live there? Probably for the same reason you don't want to live with him.
There are shelters and kitchens for the homeless.
I'm in AA and there's a guy with a very solid 13 years sobriety who talks about how he lived in a cardboard box for a brief period of time. The novelty wore off, and he chose to recover. He has a nice home and family now.
He will find a way to survive, and if he gets miserable enough, he might just decide he doesn't want to live that way anymore.
Keep taking good care of yourself, and enjoy your newfound peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I used to give to people all the time on the street..until my daughter became one of them and I would pray that no one would give her anything so she would hit bottom and want recovery. I will no longer do anything that stands in the way of someones recovery, keeps them out there ONE MORE DAY. How do I know my 5 bucks isn't the booze, the drugs, whatever that kill them. I now give money to places like loaves and fishes, etc. I feel like an A-hole sometimes, but try to help in other ways. It sounds lovely to invite a homeless person to sleep on your couch...till you consider the reality..they may be out there for a reason. Mental illness, addiction, things that are not going to be helped by me opening my home. You are allowing your ex to live the way he has chosen. If he recovers, that will be on him as well. I for one am not ashamed to "help someone who is destitute" but I also am not in a position to make calls as to who is safe and who is not. That quote you found sounds well-meaning but totally naive..like something I would have written when I was 11.Ignore.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
If he isn't worried about whether his child is hungry or how she will be cared for then that would be my answer right there. He is an adult. Adults make choices. He is choosing to NOT seek help. Probably has burned all his bridges but they are quite resourceful out there. Don't let the guilt thing sit with you for too long. It just shows that you are a caring human being! 
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I don't mean to hijack the thread, but on the subject of whether to give or not to give to "bums" on the street, this is how I've compromised because I worried about giving cash, too. I go to the dollar store and load up on hygiene items, a little candy, bags of nuts, etc. and I make up little 'care packages'. I keep 3-4 of them in the back seat of my car. I also have several gift cards from Jack-in-the-Box at the ready. 
I sometimes get very strange looks of disappointment when I give them out...LOL
I sometimes get very strange looks of disappointment when I give them out...LOL
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by keepinon 
I used to give to people all the time on the street..until my daughter became one of them and I would pray that no one would give her anything so she would hit bottom and want recovery. I will no longer do anything that stands in the way of someones recovery, keeps them out there ONE MORE DAY. How do I know my 5 bucks isn't the booze, the drugs, whatever that kill them. I now give money to places like loaves and fishes, etc. I feel like an A-hole sometimes, but try to help in other ways. It sounds lovely to invite a homeless person to sleep on your couch...till you consider the reality..they may be out there for a reason. Mental illness, addiction, things that are not going to be helped by me opening my home. You are allowing your ex to live the way he has chosen. If he recovers, that will be on him as well. I for one am not ashamed to "help someone who is destitute" but I also am not in a position to make calls as to who is safe and who is not. That quote you found sounds well-meaning but totally naive..like something I would have written when I was 11.Ignore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I've seen folks beg for spare change/cash outside of fast food chains to buy food and when offered food instead, they've thrown it out.
Actually took me by surprise at first and then I understood what the ploy was really about.
Kind of broke my heart. Kind of like looking behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain. The dirty secret of homelessness.
You've seen behind the curtain and you know why he is facing a life on the streets. It is not for lack of effort on anyone's part to help him. It is lack of effort on his part and that is the key. You cannot help someone who doesn't want a hand in life, only a handout.
Alice
Actually took me by surprise at first and then I understood what the ploy was really about.
Kind of broke my heart. Kind of like looking behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain. The dirty secret of homelessness.
You've seen behind the curtain and you know why he is facing a life on the streets. It is not for lack of effort on anyone's part to help him. It is lack of effort on his part and that is the key. You cannot help someone who doesn't want a hand in life, only a handout.
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Mambo, keep telling yourself "He is not in my hands. He is NOT my business."
All the help, love and support you have given over the years has accomplished WHAT?
Absolutely nothing. Leave him to face reality, to be responsible for himself and you get into concentrating on caring for YOU.
tjp, what a good idea. I worked in a Men's Homeless Hostel for some years, and heard comments on what the "donations" were used for, also what they thought about some donors who didn't give as generously as was wished.
I have given out NO money for years now since the above eye opener. I give to StVincent De Paul Society and Salvation Army, and let them select the needy not the greedy.
All the help, love and support you have given over the years has accomplished WHAT?
Absolutely nothing. Leave him to face reality, to be responsible for himself and you get into concentrating on caring for YOU.
tjp, what a good idea. I worked in a Men's Homeless Hostel for some years, and heard comments on what the "donations" were used for, also what they thought about some donors who didn't give as generously as was wished.
I have given out NO money for years now since the above eye opener. I give to StVincent De Paul Society and Salvation Army, and let them select the needy not the greedy.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I agree ! its better to support a formal institution.
On the other hand -over here there are many kids asking for money- I also give out food or a teddy bear or a sweater... that is the thing, we do not know where that money goes to. How incredibly sad.
And Mambo: you are NOT uncompassionate. In fact, you have already been TOO generous.
He is NOT helpless.
On the other hand -over here there are many kids asking for money- I also give out food or a teddy bear or a sweater... that is the thing, we do not know where that money goes to. How incredibly sad.
And Mambo: you are NOT uncompassionate. In fact, you have already been TOO generous.
He is NOT helpless.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Listen to Lexie.
Also, if you look to find reasons to feel guilty, you'll find them all right. It's up to you to lose that guilt and own your right to live free of the insanity that comes attached to any alcoholic.
No thanks.
His choices are his.
Also, if you look to find reasons to feel guilty, you'll find them all right. It's up to you to lose that guilt and own your right to live free of the insanity that comes attached to any alcoholic.
No thanks.
His choices are his.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending you hugs, wishes for continued strength, and peace, Mambo Queen. It’s so hard to watch some one you love(d) spiral down. But as the others pointed out, there are shelters, kitchens (and treatment options), available that he could use if he were so inclined. He is not completely without resources. Where he is and what he’s doing are up to him.
One definition for compassion is “a deep awareness and sympathy for another’s suffering.” It sounds like you are aware of your AH’s situation and that he may be suffering and that you feel sympathy for him; so I do not think you are being uncompassionate.
You are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your DD.
Hugs.
One definition for compassion is “a deep awareness and sympathy for another’s suffering.” It sounds like you are aware of your AH’s situation and that he may be suffering and that you feel sympathy for him; so I do not think you are being uncompassionate.
You are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your DD.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Give money to alcohol programs or homeless shelters if you can afford it.
I'm sure you didn't just throw him out of the house because he had one beer. You probably gave him a lot of chances. Can you call him for help when you need a ride to the airport, or ask him for $20 to last you till payday? I didn't think so.
Do you know--of all things, this issue reminds me of women's self-defense. Apart from how to get out of a choke hold, the thing I took away from from self-defense class was how to recognize when someone was manipulating me by playing on my sense of decency or compassion. Women especially get the pressure to be Nice and Helpful. Think of all the assaults (or even just creepy harassment situations) that start with, "Excuse me miss? Miss? Can I just ask you a question?" So you have to keep in mind that you're not automatically obligated to respond to people's demands. In other words, some guy approaches you with some question, demand, comment--if you're not in a safe area, or if you're just getting the creepy vibe, you keep walking. It's shocking how often a woman will just stop and engage--you know, so as to not appear mean!
I rather think it's the same thing here. Did he use to guilt-trip you? You might still be hearing that in your head. You're obviously an intelligent, compassionate person and you have more important things to do than chase him around. He might be homeless and hungry, along with a bunch of other people. So if you can afford to donate, you could donate to a nice shelter or food bank.
I'm sure you didn't just throw him out of the house because he had one beer. You probably gave him a lot of chances. Can you call him for help when you need a ride to the airport, or ask him for $20 to last you till payday? I didn't think so.
Do you know--of all things, this issue reminds me of women's self-defense. Apart from how to get out of a choke hold, the thing I took away from from self-defense class was how to recognize when someone was manipulating me by playing on my sense of decency or compassion. Women especially get the pressure to be Nice and Helpful. Think of all the assaults (or even just creepy harassment situations) that start with, "Excuse me miss? Miss? Can I just ask you a question?" So you have to keep in mind that you're not automatically obligated to respond to people's demands. In other words, some guy approaches you with some question, demand, comment--if you're not in a safe area, or if you're just getting the creepy vibe, you keep walking. It's shocking how often a woman will just stop and engage--you know, so as to not appear mean!
I rather think it's the same thing here. Did he use to guilt-trip you? You might still be hearing that in your head. You're obviously an intelligent, compassionate person and you have more important things to do than chase him around. He might be homeless and hungry, along with a bunch of other people. So if you can afford to donate, you could donate to a nice shelter or food bank.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
We were NONE of us born to take these people in and take care of them to the extent that our lives become chaotic and unmanageable. It is one thing to help a fellow human who is suffering but quite another to 'help' to the point where that person is pulling you under water and making you drown. It is not our fault that this world is what it is; we all have our own demons to fight. Letting him go and letting him suffer whatever consequences he must suffer are the MOST loving thing we can do for these people. It is beyond my power to aid a person hell bent on destroying himself.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Good thread everyone and it struck a chord today with me. I'm having a hard time with my recovering BF who took advantage of me and moved in. Still not working, spends much of his time watching videos or sleeping. He chooses not to deal with his ADHD. He makes me feel guilty if I ask him to pay his share of the utilities. He was very annoyed with me yesterday because my car, which I let him use for an errand, broke down and disturbed his plans for the day. No offer to help pay for it either or take it to the garage.
Anyway, I'm ranting!!! I really needed to read this thread today
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Anyway, I'm ranting!!! I really needed to read this thread today
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