married to an heroin addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
married to an heroin addict
Hello I am new to this site and this life. I met my husband over 8 years ago and have been married for 6 years. When we met he told me he was a recovering addict and he moved here to get away from his friends and way of life. We have had our ups and downs and in the process have had two children. Two months ago I realized he was up to something. He would not admit it to me until about a month ago. He admits it but wants to do things his way. To me that is still denial!
So how do I live life with children in the house and him getting high? Up until 2 days ago he was hiding it in the house and smoking it in the house. I have set up boundaries, but what am I looking at here. I told him there will be not tolerance to it being in the house, smoked in the house and I do not want him here at all when he is. When is enough enough? I have some understanding of addiction, my father is a recovering alcoholic and I got in too deep with drugs when I was a teenager. I understand some people say it is a disease, or for them to admit they have not control and giving in. That is not the case for my father or I.
I am looking for advice and information from anyone. I do not want to push too hard in a delicate stage, but I really do not have much patience for this kind of weakness.
Help!
So how do I live life with children in the house and him getting high? Up until 2 days ago he was hiding it in the house and smoking it in the house. I have set up boundaries, but what am I looking at here. I told him there will be not tolerance to it being in the house, smoked in the house and I do not want him here at all when he is. When is enough enough? I have some understanding of addiction, my father is a recovering alcoholic and I got in too deep with drugs when I was a teenager. I understand some people say it is a disease, or for them to admit they have not control and giving in. That is not the case for my father or I.
I am looking for advice and information from anyone. I do not want to push too hard in a delicate stage, but I really do not have much patience for this kind of weakness.
Help!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
No one can tell you what to do but heroin addicition is a terrible thing. Within a few months after my AD started using it, she completely lost who she was. She abandoned all hobbies/interests, is sick/depressed all the time, lies/steals/manipulates, and is only a shell of herself. It is a terrible thing and I pray your husband is not going down that path.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
lc
Welcome to SR.....although I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Everyone has to walk their own path through the process of deciding how to deal with the addict in their lives. Most of us here will encourage you to take care of yourself and your children first. Finding a Naranon or Alanon Family Group is always a good idea.
Stick around. It helps to know that there are others who are dealing with similar issues with someone they love. We get (and give) a lot of support here.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.....although I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Everyone has to walk their own path through the process of deciding how to deal with the addict in their lives. Most of us here will encourage you to take care of yourself and your children first. Finding a Naranon or Alanon Family Group is always a good idea.
Stick around. It helps to know that there are others who are dealing with similar issues with someone they love. We get (and give) a lot of support here.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
Addiction is progressive...the longer he uses the bigger danger your children are in. He will likely go from snorting to shooting before long. That's what they do to make the dope last longer. I would never let my children live with a drug addict. I've lived with one for years, but he is my son, would hate to see you in my shoes in 18 years or so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hi,
I am financially dependent on him I am a stay at home mom. I have three children and I have been trying to plan my approach with him. I went to see a counselor last night and I feel a bit better after talking to her. I want him to either leave or go into treatment. He has been using the excuse he does not want it on his records here. Which I know is just excuses because he is still in denial. I do not want him here around our kids if he is going to be high. Like I posted I grew up with a drunk and he never meant to hurt us but he did. My mother did not have the strength to force him into a decision until I was ten.
I am so happy I found this site it has helped me just reading other posts. I am just so tired of crying everyday and feeling sick to my stomach.
I am financially dependent on him I am a stay at home mom. I have three children and I have been trying to plan my approach with him. I went to see a counselor last night and I feel a bit better after talking to her. I want him to either leave or go into treatment. He has been using the excuse he does not want it on his records here. Which I know is just excuses because he is still in denial. I do not want him here around our kids if he is going to be high. Like I posted I grew up with a drunk and he never meant to hurt us but he did. My mother did not have the strength to force him into a decision until I was ten.
I am so happy I found this site it has helped me just reading other posts. I am just so tired of crying everyday and feeling sick to my stomach.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Addiction is not a weakness, and never was…also addicts don’t need pity or to be seen as weak…
His way, what is wrong with his way…
It will have to be his way, no matter how you assign the choices he makes...
Now I say this having watched my husband do it his way. At times he looked like his own worst enemy, at others he would say if I just wouldn’t think I would be ok…He had it so in his head that the pain was the only reason why, even if he knew he was an addict, cause that was obvious. I mean really taking handfuls of pills to get to the corner to get a gram or 2 of heroin doesn’t really seem ok…but it sure as hell makes sense cause hello, he was an addict.
So he went back to square one, the doctors, alternative treatments, a shrink, all the while struggling with using/not using. Went on Sub, did much of the same using the sub as a get out of wd free card, using on top of it…then using it correctly…then the opiates were gone, for whatever his reasons were but he did share I can‘t take any opiates at all…but that didn‘t mean he couldn‘t do a bit of crack, smoke a joint, have a drink. Oh he went through it all, needing to prove to himself something and then all of a sudden, no more drugs, just the sub, and then that went as well, he weaned after long term treatment with no issues and has a couple of years clean doing it the so called right way, and over a year off the sub…
The right way, there is none, and won‘t be. I have no doubts that if he didn‘t do it his way, with his choices and with his need to disprove his thinking, or prove it he would not be where he is today. One of my biggest boundaries is I do not take away another’s capacity to learn by stating what I think they should do. Or making rules based on how I think they should live. It isn’t mine, and surely in my recovery I did it all my way, not anyone else’s. I had my own stuff to learn and by living it our way is usually the only way we do that.
Now a few others things,
Stay or leave, pushing them out or not will not fix this or him, because nothing is about him…
Now if you can say over and over nothing is about him, then you will find all the answers you need and things will make a lot more sense.
In reading what you wrote my suggestion would be ( especially if you want a chance for your children ) to go find help for you, let him find his own he can he is a big boy. Undoubtedly you would benefit greatly in a children of alcohol’s group cause we are not here by happenstance at all. Surely there are meetings and therapy, but this has to be about you. And it is one awesome gift to give to yourself and to your children…
Good Luck!
His way, what is wrong with his way…
It will have to be his way, no matter how you assign the choices he makes...
Now I say this having watched my husband do it his way. At times he looked like his own worst enemy, at others he would say if I just wouldn’t think I would be ok…He had it so in his head that the pain was the only reason why, even if he knew he was an addict, cause that was obvious. I mean really taking handfuls of pills to get to the corner to get a gram or 2 of heroin doesn’t really seem ok…but it sure as hell makes sense cause hello, he was an addict.
So he went back to square one, the doctors, alternative treatments, a shrink, all the while struggling with using/not using. Went on Sub, did much of the same using the sub as a get out of wd free card, using on top of it…then using it correctly…then the opiates were gone, for whatever his reasons were but he did share I can‘t take any opiates at all…but that didn‘t mean he couldn‘t do a bit of crack, smoke a joint, have a drink. Oh he went through it all, needing to prove to himself something and then all of a sudden, no more drugs, just the sub, and then that went as well, he weaned after long term treatment with no issues and has a couple of years clean doing it the so called right way, and over a year off the sub…
The right way, there is none, and won‘t be. I have no doubts that if he didn‘t do it his way, with his choices and with his need to disprove his thinking, or prove it he would not be where he is today. One of my biggest boundaries is I do not take away another’s capacity to learn by stating what I think they should do. Or making rules based on how I think they should live. It isn’t mine, and surely in my recovery I did it all my way, not anyone else’s. I had my own stuff to learn and by living it our way is usually the only way we do that.
Now a few others things,
Stay or leave, pushing them out or not will not fix this or him, because nothing is about him…
Now if you can say over and over nothing is about him, then you will find all the answers you need and things will make a lot more sense.
In reading what you wrote my suggestion would be ( especially if you want a chance for your children ) to go find help for you, let him find his own he can he is a big boy. Undoubtedly you would benefit greatly in a children of alcohol’s group cause we are not here by happenstance at all. Surely there are meetings and therapy, but this has to be about you. And it is one awesome gift to give to yourself and to your children…
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by lc1972 
Hi,
Like I posted I grew up with a drunk and he never meant to hurt us but he did. My mother did not have the strength to force him into a decision until I was ten.
Like I posted I grew up with a drunk and he never meant to hurt us but he did. My mother did not have the strength to force him into a decision until I was ten.
Alcoholics and addicts operate with the belief system that they can control it, until they can't. No one can control a drug like heroin. Weekend warriers become daily users. Smokers often become shooters.
When most people initiailly establish boundaries, they confuse personal boundaries with attempts to control other people's behaviors. And for this reason, they do not work. None of us have magical powers over the people we care about. We can't push or force them into sobriety. We can't love them clean. If we could, absolutely none of us would be here.
A true boundary establishes your limits and lets go of the outcome.
I will not live with /expose my children to anyone using drugs is a boundary.
The strength of the boundary is your own willingless to remove yourself/children from the situation if/when a boundary is crossed. A boundary acknowledges the other person is free to decide for themselves what they want to do, if anything.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
One of my biggest boundaries is I do not take away another’s capacity to learn by stating what I think they should do. Or making rules based on how I think they should live. It isn’t mine...
I love this. I may put this on my fridge!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
These are my boundaries for me. Other people can do what they like, but when it comes to me and my child, I have firm boundaries and I will take action to make sure they remain in place.
I will not allow people who are under the influence of drugs in my house. If I suspect drugs I will ask them to leave. If they refuse to leave I will call 9-1-1.
I will not allow my children to be around people who are on drugs. I will remove them from the situation.
I will not allow illegal drugs in my house. If anyone brings them in my house, I will call the police.
I didn't start out so strong. It took me a long time to figure out my boundaries and how to enforce them. My boundaries used to be flexible... and that gave people permission to violate them. An unenforced boundary is an empty threat. It was when I started enforcing my boundaries (which are based on what is most important to ME) that my life improved.
I will not allow people who are under the influence of drugs in my house. If I suspect drugs I will ask them to leave. If they refuse to leave I will call 9-1-1.
I will not allow my children to be around people who are on drugs. I will remove them from the situation.
I will not allow illegal drugs in my house. If anyone brings them in my house, I will call the police.
I didn't start out so strong. It took me a long time to figure out my boundaries and how to enforce them. My boundaries used to be flexible... and that gave people permission to violate them. An unenforced boundary is an empty threat. It was when I started enforcing my boundaries (which are based on what is most important to ME) that my life improved.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
these are my boundaries for me. Other people can do what they like, but when it comes to me and my child, i have firm boundaries and i will take action to make sure they remain in place.
i will not allow people who are under the influence of drugs in my house. If i suspect drugs i will ask them to leave. If they refuse to leave i will call 9-1-1.
I will not allow my children to be around people who are on drugs. I will remove them from the situation.
I will not allow illegal drugs in my house. If anyone brings them in my house, i will call the police.
i didn't start out so strong. It took me a long time to figure out my boundaries and how to enforce them. My boundaries used to be flexible... And that gave people permission to violate them. An unenforced boundary is an empty threat. It was when i started enforcing my boundaries (which are based on what is most important to me) that my life improved.
i will not allow people who are under the influence of drugs in my house. If i suspect drugs i will ask them to leave. If they refuse to leave i will call 9-1-1.
I will not allow my children to be around people who are on drugs. I will remove them from the situation.
I will not allow illegal drugs in my house. If anyone brings them in my house, i will call the police.
i didn't start out so strong. It took me a long time to figure out my boundaries and how to enforce them. My boundaries used to be flexible... And that gave people permission to violate them. An unenforced boundary is an empty threat. It was when i started enforcing my boundaries (which are based on what is most important to me) that my life improved.
this. =)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Thank you all
I have set the boundaries for our home so it is safe for our kids and me. I did set it as, under no circumstances is it to be here or him while on it. He is no longer allowed to be with the kids alone. I said it nicely and chose my words wisely I believe. I even told him I am sorry I have to be so distant. He decided to call his doctor today and I did not pressure him or even ask him too. I believe it is only his decision to make . So I praying that it is not lip service. I could use all the prayers I can get at this point.
I have set the boundaries for our home so it is safe for our kids and me. I did set it as, under no circumstances is it to be here or him while on it. He is no longer allowed to be with the kids alone. I said it nicely and chose my words wisely I believe. I even told him I am sorry I have to be so distant. He decided to call his doctor today and I did not pressure him or even ask him too. I believe it is only his decision to make . So I praying that it is not lip service. I could use all the prayers I can get at this point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
He has an appointment with his MD tomorrow and told me he is ready : ). He also asked me if I am willing to be involved! Like I wouldn't be. So I said yes and he asked if we can go to counseling too. I am still praying everyday.
Thank you again all of you on this site it has helped so much.
Thank you again all of you on this site it has helped so much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Involved how?
Did he happen to ask you if you will get involved in your own round of recovery? Oh see this would have been an awesome thing to ask you….not much different than you asking him to get help.
But everyone can ask away and in the end the only thing that will count is the time one takes to help themselves..
I do find marriage counseling to be a good thing in this, but maybe after you both had some time to work on yourselves, find your own why’s and reasons. It will make it easier and trust me if you do not work your side, and leave him to work his this relationship will not stand much of a chance…
The chance is in how much each person is willing to put into their own health. This will not guarantee any specific happy ending, but there will be a happy ending nonetheless, well if one takes the time.
Did he happen to ask you if you will get involved in your own round of recovery? Oh see this would have been an awesome thing to ask you….not much different than you asking him to get help.
But everyone can ask away and in the end the only thing that will count is the time one takes to help themselves..
I do find marriage counseling to be a good thing in this, but maybe after you both had some time to work on yourselves, find your own why’s and reasons. It will make it easier and trust me if you do not work your side, and leave him to work his this relationship will not stand much of a chance…
The chance is in how much each person is willing to put into their own health. This will not guarantee any specific happy ending, but there will be a happy ending nonetheless, well if one takes the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Thank you incitingsilence
I did not post the full conversation/story. I started seeing a counselor myself on Monday and I am going to find a group that I can work into my schedule. He was asking if the program wanted me to be involved and was I willing to be. The program he is going to start wants families to be involved along with my AH to get his own counseling. From what I have read they concentrate on him first and then want to work in the family.
Very Hopeful right now
I did not post the full conversation/story. I started seeing a counselor myself on Monday and I am going to find a group that I can work into my schedule. He was asking if the program wanted me to be involved and was I willing to be. The program he is going to start wants families to be involved along with my AH to get his own counseling. From what I have read they concentrate on him first and then want to work in the family.
Very Hopeful right now
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Thank god 
I see the word help and cringe and think please don't help that is part of the problem, everyone trying to help...
I am so glad to read that you are setting up some help for yourself. In time everyone who comes looking for a way to help their loved one finds it is them that needs the help.
And if they offer help with treatment for families, grab on to it, as it can't hurt.
Good Luck to both of you!
I see the word help and cringe and think please don't help that is part of the problem, everyone trying to help...
I am so glad to read that you are setting up some help for yourself. In time everyone who comes looking for a way to help their loved one finds it is them that needs the help.
And if they offer help with treatment for families, grab on to it, as it can't hurt.
Good Luck to both of you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Well good news..is he doing an IOP? My AD is in one now..heroin addict as well.She did go to a 30 day program 1st. Glad to see you are gonna go to meetings and the family sessions I have been to at rehab were very helpful.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
