sunnigirl

serious question - is ignoring what he is doing the same as detaching? He doesn't use around me, I don't comment on it (anymore) although I can see the days he is using. no known financial impact as we keep our money pretty separate, I try very hard not to look for it (weeks go by rather than every day looking for evidence)
I am so sad though. and lonely. he spends a lot of time with his choices and there is very little left for me, seldom are we intimate, it's not the way I want to live

EJG123

It is one way that people detach/cope but it does not sound like it is working so well for you.

sojourner

ignoring can be detaching. It sounds like your ignoring is detaching. The feelings you now have (loneliness, sadness) are now evident to you. Perhaps this is a clue as to why you were involved in the overwhelming problems of your loved one - a deep-down way of avoiding your own loneliness and sadness? Perhaps this is the time to deal with those in other, healthier ways (new hobbies, etc.)...

You are also grieving the loss of this relationship (or potential loss). That will pass. But don't forget face-to-face meetings as being important to get you through this.

Just a thought - take what helps and leave the rest....

Kindeyes

sunnigirl
Detaching is more of an emotional thing for me.....it's not reacting to what I know is going on. Living my life myself rather than trying to live my life via another person. It's not being overwhelmed with the negative emotions that we often have when we love someone who is addicted. And it takes a lot of practice (and the addicts in our lives usually give us plenty of opportunity for that practice),

I'm so sorry that you are feeling lonely and sad. We all have more power over ourselves and our own circumstances than we think we do.

gentle hugs

smith2b555

Are you ignoring him or that he has a problem?

Live

Ignoring that it is a problem for you is not healthy detachment.

To me, detachment is when we stop trying to control them and the consequences.

If the consequences are that you are no longer satisfied with the relationship, then that is real and doesn't benefit by ignoring it.

sunnigirl

no I don't ignore him, only that he is using (not around me) I just don't talk about it, don't call him on it, ignore it as if it wasn't there... what's the point of doing otherwise? My anger/disappointment/"helpfulness" has never had an effect anyway.

briana09

I still have a hard time with that as well...But, personally, I think ignoring him and not saying anything about it, is almost enabling him. I understand not fighting with him or calling him on it when he is high but how do you respond to him when he is clean? I think if you don't say anything about it to him when he is around and sober, its almost like you saying, "As long as I don't see it, its ok." Im relatively new to Al Anon and this site so that is just my personal opinion.

You being lonely and sad---if he wasnt an addict, would that be a relationship you would want to work for? Have you tried not to talk to him for a bit to see how it AFFECTS YOU? If it makes you feel better possibly? Just in the last month, I have told my AH he is not allowed in the house if he is using. When he is sober, I tell him the rules and that I love him but absolutely do not approve of his using. I also told him I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how much longer I can do this...I found when I would turn him away from me while he was like that or "hung over" I would feel more at peace and calm.

You sound beat down. Hang in there...find support in face to face meeting too!

outtolunch

Can you accept him as is/where is?

Is ignoring it the same thing as accepting him as is/where is?

Are you OK with accepting saddness and lonliness out of a relationship? Is there any reasonable basis for you to assume that things will change?

Relationships built on hopeful fantasies don't pan out.

sailorjohn

For me it wasn't, and I think for most addicts/alcoholics that is precisely what they'd like you to do.

Pretend.

Great way to maintain the denial for both parties.

At best a temporary coping mechanism.