Ras

I've never told anyone my story before but now feel I am in a place where I am ready to. I had just turned 18 and I was very unhappy. I didn't have any reason to be really - my life was going pretty well.

I had good friends, a loving family, the works. But I had just lost the girl I loved. I was just going into my final year of sixth form at the high school I had been in for six years and everything felt like it was drawing to a close. That this big family of friends I had were slipping away from me.

With work piling up and an abusive teacher to deal with, I found myself skipping classes. I was a model student previously and now I had started skipping classes. The heavy work load I was under made me approach my Doctor who put me on a course of antidepressants and diazapam.

This worked for awhile but being so young and on such a small dose, I often had to take several pills, just to get the buzz I needed. The relaxation I should say.

Over time, I was getting more stressed out. I called in sick to school and went round to the local off license and picked up a few bottles of cheap wine to relax with. I drank them in a couple of hours and went to get more. I passed out at about six and went soundly to sleep.

Waking up the next morning feeling very rough, I took the day off again, this time picking up a 12 pack of beer and a few bottles of cheap wine. Finishing these I was off my face and went to visit a friend to watch some movies with. He could tell from my behaviour that I had been drinking all day and suggested I leave it off for awhile. I went home, determined to take his advice.

I woke up the next morning with another huge hangover and took the day off as I felt wrecked. I took my standard trip to the off license for a few bottles of wine which I necked and then left it for the day.

The next morning I felt better and only had a short day so went into school for it. A lesson in the morning followed by a three hour break and a history test. I did my lesson, went home, drank a bottle of straight vodka and came back to school for my test looking very untidy.

Anyway, the day after I felt like death warmed up and yes, again I took a trip down to offlicense and bought a bottle of Southern Comfort which lasted me the day. After school had finished and I knew my friend would be home, I asked if I could come round for the evening. He agreed and I picked up 24 beers and another bottle of Southern Comfort on the way.

He didn't like the Southern Comfort so I drank that and he didn't fancy much beer so I had most of them too. Passing out early in the night; I woke up the next morning ashamed. It was a Saturday so I spent the day getting myself tidied up. I got my hair cut, tidied my room, ate alot of food and on Monday morning held my head high and strolled into school.

While the workload was still as heavy as ever, I found myself more focused knowing that I had to do this; that it needed to be done. I finished the year, came off the anti-depressants and yes, in all honesty, still drink far too much on nights out but never during the day and never every day. I've moved onto university and moved in with my girlfriend who is currently lying asleep next to me.

Can you be an alcoholic for a week? I don't know but looking back; that was what it felt like.

Dee74

Hi Ras
Welcome to SR

The fact you're here, with all you've written about that time in the past, and the fact you've written I take it you're still a little worried?

I often say it's not so much how often you drink as much as why you drink and what happens to you when you do.

There are many folks here who don't drink everyday and who don't drink during the day - but drinkings still a problem for them.

I started as a social binge drinker and ended up an all day everyday drinker - it was a long progression for me.

You'll find a lot of support here

D

CarolD

Glad you are here with us...Welcome....

NEOMARXIST

Hey man, Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic.

I'm 24 and have nearly 15 months sober now, from England. Start University on Monday.

My drinking was always heavy and it progressed, as alcoholism always does. I was a binge-drinker drinking until I passed out.

For me then I was never able to moderate or control my drinking, a tell tale sign of alcoholism, once I took a drink then I was just going to keep drinking and drinking.

Once my drinking progressed to where i was drinking in the mornings then I couldn't turn the clock back. Maybe you can, who knows? But you're on a recovery site for alcoholics and addicts, so maybe not?

For me then I used and continue to use daily AA, SR and much wisdom from elsewhere to stay gratefully sober. I went to university when i was 18, I am starting on Monday 6 years later! needless to say I drank heavily and associated depression and other probelms f*cked everything up. My life kept going downhill and my drinking getting heavy and the binges more destructive. I too was a good kid, but booze and drugs took over my life and cost me a lot of stuff between 18-23 in many ways.

I have been able to turn it around by truly accepting and admitting my alcoholism and working the solution and not living in the problems. It took me until 23 to experince first hand where drink and drugs will take you to. Before that then I wasn't going to miss out on the parties, clubs and general madness. If you're an alcoholic then drinking will ultimately get worse and continue to cost you a lot more than just the price of a drink.

It is russian roulette when you're an alcoholic and are continuing to binge as to whether something really bad will happen. When I think about stuff now that I'm sober then it's quite scary as to how things could have worked out even worse, ie- I lost my licesnse for 2 years for drink driving, I could have easily killed or seriously injured myself or somebody else. I never used to even consider that sort of stuff when I was in my own little crazy world in the madness of it all.

There is only one solution for an alcoholic who wishes their lives to improve, total abstinance of alcohol and working a recovery program of some kind to fill that 'void'.

All The Best

Ras

Thank you for that story of your past. Heh, story. When I think of that word, I always think of Hansel and Gretal. How ironic!

I recently found out that my ex-girlfriend had gotten engaged and had her engagement party set for my birthday which was just a couple of days ago. All I wanted to do was go to the pub and drink myself into a giant pit. I didn't.

I spent the evening cuddled up to my girlfriend watching LOST. She doesn't know how I feel about alcohol. When I see a drink on television, I immediately, fancy one. Right now I am drinking Frosty Jack's - stereotypical alcoholics drink people round my area say. I'm drinking it because it is what gives me that "buzz" that I love and is nice and cheap - which is always good for students.

I drink socially and usually consume large portions of it. About two years ago I lost a friend because I made certain comments that I would never make sober and stopped drinking for a long time.

But, I know I can stop. I can have a couple of beers with my girlfriend, whether sat in the pub or watching TV at home, and then cuddle up and go to bed. Other times, I'll want to work my way through a whole 3 litres of cheap strong cider - like now.

Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. I've often thought I might be but now I find myself drinking less most of the time and drinking lots whenever I feel I "need" it.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. It was once said that feelings cannot be put into words so this is my best attempt to do so.

NEOMARXIST

I had to reach the point where I was through with alcohol, where I was beaten by alcohol. When I was your age I used to do exactly as you are doing now, sit drinking cheap 7.5% cider and feel that 'buzz' hit. I had to reach my own personal rock bottom before I was ready to give that illusive comforter up. Like I say I was 23 when I hit that point. I was no way ready at 18 and wasn't doubting my consumption of booze.

I wouldn't pay much attention to what students of 18 say about alcoholics and stuff. Most of them ain't alkies themselves so ain't got a clue and also you do a lot of growing up as you experience that sh*t that boring, sensible people warned you about, I did anyway. I suffered from a mental obsession about alcohol especially, like I say I was only a binge-drinker not a daily 24/7 drinker, I was so grateful when I lost that mental compulsion and obsession in recovery. I would get to 2 weeks without a drink and be gagging to get wrecked. I could stop easily but I couldn;t stay stopped, that was my real problem. How to live without getting wrecked and be contented and happy?

Don't be fooled by what your stereotypical idea of an alcoholic is. You don't start off on the park bench covered in your own vomit but that's where you end up if you keep living in denial of the reality of the situation. It always gets worse, never better. I'm only using my persoanl experience here, but I'm an alcoholic, you may not be.

With drink and drugs then it's my belief that you're only done drinking and drugging when you're done drinking and drugging. Until then well you'll just keep riding the train, if you're an alcoholic then I can pretty much guarantee that it'll keep progressing, 3 litres will turn into 6 litres and a drink as soon as you wake up to calm your nerves down and get back into again. Only other drunks will want to hang around with you or put up with you.

AA is always there and SR too if you find that you want to live a sober life. My life in recovery is far more rewarding and pleasurable than my life when I used to use alcohol and drugs. They lose their magic sparkle and you're f*cked, can't live with it but can't live without it.

All The Best.

Ras

I watch Jeremy Kyle and used to say to myself that I would never become like the people you see on there. But now I find myself wondering. I don't think I'm an alcoholic - hell I want to deny it everytime I think about it - but I'm here. Can I both know I am, not know I am, want to do something about it and not do something about it - all at the same time...

NEOMARXIST

That was pretty much what I felt for about 3 years before I finally got properly sober. It's very common and often refferred to as the 'merry-go-round'. Back on, back off, back on, back off etcetc.

One of the biggest problems of alcoholism and addiction is that denial is one of the worst symptoms. People will continue to deny their alcoholism on their death bed from liver failure. I know for me then I used to refer to myself as everything but an alcoholic. I think it's because when you admit you're an alcoholic then there's no more turning back.

When you're ready to get sober then it's possible to achieve and be happier and more contented than you ever were living in addiction. Remember that the people you see on the street drinking super strength let their alcoholism progress through all of their warning signs, it's possible to stop it before it gets that far, but you have to have a honest desire to get sober and live a clean, sober life. For me then I knew that I would end up likely a street alcoholic or in prison, mental institute or more likely dead. When booze gets you then you ain;t realistically got anymore options. I never thought it would get to that but it creeps up quickly and things start happening that you thought would never happen.

For an alcoholic like myself then one drink is too many and 100,000 never enough. That might sound a bit strange but it's the first drink that effectively does all of the damage.

I stay away from that first drink 'just for today'. But like i say I don't suffer from a mental obsession about alcohol or drugs like I used to do so it ain't an issue anymore. But I'll always be an alkie though. I'm pleased I know that as well, because I was so unhappy at being a drunk and p*ssing my life up the wall.

All The Best

Ras

Is it possible to just have a few though? I myself can drink just a four pack but want just a few more and yet I go to bed all the same more or less sober. Other times I want to drink myself into oblivion. Other times I want to get pissed with a few friends.

Where do you draw the line. Am I an alcoholic? I don't know.

NEOMARXIST

For me then I cannot let alcohol in my life. Like I say the mental obsession was a massive part of the problem for me. Am I an alcoholic? Aren't I an alcoholic? I don't think most 'normal' people have these internal debates, but then again I can't speak for other people, only myself.

For me then realistically I always got wrecked. There's nothing more than I loved than drinking myself into oblivion, either with mates, or alone. Drinking alone is something which definately separated me from my mates. I would be happy drinking myself into oblivion all on my own, most people just don't see the appeal, in my experience.

My recovery involves 'rigorous honesty'. I know for myself then I know deep down I wasn't happy stopping at 4 cans, it was a tease and I would drink until passed out.

Food for thought mate, All The Best Man.

Peace

Kmber2010

Ras, glad you are here. Welcome! You will find lots of support and plenty of info to reach through.

I think you are way ahead of where I was and see now that you could have a problem.

The importance here isn't so much.....if you are or aren't an alcoholic but rather why you drink and how drinking makes you feel. I found that I could go periods of time without drinking but once I drank it no longer was a couple of drinks at a club with friends or a few beers at a game. I drank to feel good or to forget or for other reasons. I didn't like who I became when I drank. I was tired of wondering what I said or have folks tell me what I was like and leaving me in shame. I didn't like feeling like crap the next day.

One thing is certain.....alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse over time.

You wrote about the need to drink, how you lost a friend because of what you said when you drank , you are concerned about times you drank excessively and didn't like how you felt, etc.

Point here is only you know if you have a problem or not. I say if you don't like the effects of boozing and are here then perhaps you should eliminate it. You sound like a far better person when you describe yourself sober.

You don't need to call yourself anything to remove or cut something out of your life that is unhealthy in my book.

All the best. We are here for you.

Ras

The problem I think I have is that I don't want to stop drinking - I just want to drink manageable amounts - which is something I struggle with when feeling upset or unhappy.

Dee74

We all had been Ras - unless you drink right to the edge of the precipice like some of us did, noone wants to stop drinking...

and we use those occasions where we have a couple and everything is fine to bolster our belief that we can somehow someday control our drinking.

The trouble is all of us here are here because we can't do it consistently - we never know whether it'll be a 'good' night or a 'bad' night.

D

Goat

Ras, I was an alcoholic from the first time I got drunk. There was not any time that I was just a "drinker".

Looking back, the signs were so clear. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have taken that first drink.

I think you want us to tell you if you're an alcoholic. We don't really like to do that, because it's really only something you can decide for yourself.

But I'll go against protocol and tell you what I think: Yeah, you sound like exactly the same kind of alcoholic that I am. Addicted from the first drunk.

Denial of the problem is one of the symptoms of alcoholism. You'll keep trying to convince yourself that there really isn't a problem, even though the rational part of your brain is sounding all kinds of alarms.

If you listen to those alarms, and ignore that stupid voice that's telling you there's no problem, then you are going to save yourself a HELL of a lot of pain.

As far as drinking manageable amounts goes... I would LOVE to be able to drink manageable amounts. But even on the very rare occasions I managed to do that while I was drinking, it was horrible. Once I start my body wants the drink so badly I'll do just about anything to get it, and any plans I had to moderate go straight down the crapper. I think it really is all or nothing for us.

-Goat