update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
update
she found her way to making an appointment for tomorrow morning. i was concerned about where she would stay, and that has bee non my mind all day. she called again to say that she ran into a friend (i have heard her mention him) and he is letting her stay there for a little bit. i told her i would help her getto the meeting. i think that is ok to do. i feel relieved not to have to worry about anything tonight. BUT of course i fell guilty for feeling relieved. what the heck is wrong with me?!?
but i am not getting my hopes too high, but maybe something good can come from tomorrow.
but i am not getting my hopes too high, but maybe something good can come from tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I thought she was just raped? Interesting... how can you tell an addict is lying? Her lips are moving.
What do you think is wrong with you Steve? Do you see a counselor? It might help.
what the heck is wrong with me?!?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
I wouldn't believe a word that woman says. She is lying and playing you for a fool. She says jump and you ask how high. I don't believe for a minute that she was raped and robbed and I don't believe for a minute that she is going to go to treatment. If you want to waste your time and keep being played, that is your decision. Us continuing to try to talk sense to you is almost as bad as you trying to talk sense to her. I'm done.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
i think that is ok to do.
This is a woman who was just raped and robbed? BS
STAY AWAY.
I have to ask what you asked ........................... WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
She ran into a friend and has been staying with him. She probably has several such friends (including you) and you are ok with that? If she were not an addict would you tolerate her behavior? Probably not.
It is sounding more and more like you enjoy the drama on some level. No sane man would put up with a woman like this.
It is sounding more and more like you enjoy the drama on some level. No sane man would put up with a woman like this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Steve,
I've read many of your posts but have yet to respond until now.
I just want to share with you the fault in my own thinking that led me to have a case of the 'crazies'... the racing thoughts, the compulsion so 'save', the obsessive thoughts... neither my nor your story is unique in that aspect, when it comes to loving an addict.
My insight is this:
All the drama, all the crisis, all the 'bad stuff', all the 'sad stories' that surround this addict, or any addict for that matter, are not happening TO her. Rather, it is happening BECAUSE of her.
Like me, you seem to get the angry, falsely-independent adult or the broken, little girl. Regardless, it is not happening because of anything you have or have not done. It is happening because of her decisions and it is happening because of her choices. All of the dramas, crisis, bad stuff, and sad stories hooked me as well. And when all of the the loss and grief no longer hooked me because I was simply too fatigued and emotionally drained, as opposed to conscious and insightful, did I stop over-functioning in the relationship.
It wasn't until I saw how everything added up to BECAUSE OF rather than TO was I able to begin to free myself. Don't try to save someone from their own suffering when they are unwilling, it may be just what they need.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
I've read many of your posts but have yet to respond until now.
I just want to share with you the fault in my own thinking that led me to have a case of the 'crazies'... the racing thoughts, the compulsion so 'save', the obsessive thoughts... neither my nor your story is unique in that aspect, when it comes to loving an addict.
My insight is this:
All the drama, all the crisis, all the 'bad stuff', all the 'sad stories' that surround this addict, or any addict for that matter, are not happening TO her. Rather, it is happening BECAUSE of her.
Like me, you seem to get the angry, falsely-independent adult or the broken, little girl. Regardless, it is not happening because of anything you have or have not done. It is happening because of her decisions and it is happening because of her choices. All of the dramas, crisis, bad stuff, and sad stories hooked me as well. And when all of the the loss and grief no longer hooked me because I was simply too fatigued and emotionally drained, as opposed to conscious and insightful, did I stop over-functioning in the relationship.
It wasn't until I saw how everything added up to BECAUSE OF rather than TO was I able to begin to free myself. Don't try to save someone from their own suffering when they are unwilling, it may be just what they need.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Don't try to save someone from their own suffering when they are unwilling, it may be just what they need.
This is just beautiful in its truth, and so very important. wow. thank you for this one.
I mean, I have heard it said in other ways, but this way just really makes it clear for me.
Maybe cause my adult son complains all the time about his bad luck, but does not want to hear about any responsibility for his troubles.
I get caught up in trying to get him to see that he is the reason for his troubles. I know I should not bother- hes not gonna hear until he figures it out for his own self.
did not mean to make this about me, but it was a light bulb moment... thanks
chicory
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Steve, read this and tell me if you see yourself.
It helped me when I thought that I was "the one" who could save my son.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
It helped me when I thought that I was "the one" who could save my son.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It takes each of as as long as it takes...and we sometimes have to suffer even more than our addicts before we get it. And it really still hurts, just less and less because we teach ourselves ways to get them out of our minds for longer periods of time.
It does seem contradictive, to step away and let them fall, in hopes that they change and stop using. But it's really the only proven way; ask the addicts, ask the experienced codependents.
(((Steve))) -- I'm so sorry you are so scared for her. It's a terrible place to be. But before you go down with her entirely, please give yourself permission to step away, to stop listening to her troubles, to let her face these consequences due to her using and choosing to not get help. You won't be good for anyone if you hit bottom also, Steve. You don't have to continue this dance. Please think about taking the advice given by experienced people here. Please allow yourself to say "I've truly done all I could and it's still not helped so maybe it's time to stop doing for her. Maybe when I stop, something will happen for her or it won't, but at least one of the two of us will survive and begin living life in a new direction."
I don't think this is a joke. I've seen a LOT of people take years here before they finally get it.
Anytime you're ready to jump off this crazy dance, Steve, you will find support. I know you can do it, Steve. Come on, man, just think about it. It feels so good to FINALLY let go and grant yourself permission to breathe again and eventually ENJOY life again. I don't believe life is supposed to be this painful and worrisome. Take care, Steve. Keep reading. Don't give up and in to HER and her addictions, Steve. Peace.
It does seem contradictive, to step away and let them fall, in hopes that they change and stop using. But it's really the only proven way; ask the addicts, ask the experienced codependents.
(((Steve))) -- I'm so sorry you are so scared for her. It's a terrible place to be. But before you go down with her entirely, please give yourself permission to step away, to stop listening to her troubles, to let her face these consequences due to her using and choosing to not get help. You won't be good for anyone if you hit bottom also, Steve. You don't have to continue this dance. Please think about taking the advice given by experienced people here. Please allow yourself to say "I've truly done all I could and it's still not helped so maybe it's time to stop doing for her. Maybe when I stop, something will happen for her or it won't, but at least one of the two of us will survive and begin living life in a new direction."
I don't think this is a joke. I've seen a LOT of people take years here before they finally get it.
Anytime you're ready to jump off this crazy dance, Steve, you will find support. I know you can do it, Steve. Come on, man, just think about it. It feels so good to FINALLY let go and grant yourself permission to breathe again and eventually ENJOY life again. I don't believe life is supposed to be this painful and worrisome. Take care, Steve. Keep reading. Don't give up and in to HER and her addictions, Steve. Peace.
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