sapphire69

So last Monday I pretty much spewed out all I had been thinking and feeling including that I wanted a divorce. Now I have threatened before and he never took me seriously, but never actually said "I want a divorce". He took me seriously this time given the things I said and I was not angry or mean, just matter of fact. We did not discuss the situation at all until last night. He didn't drink anything for the two days following, and then the next few days he only drank 3-4 beers (to help him sleep, according to him). But the conversation last night involved all the typical begging and pleading and pushing all the right buttons: "we have worked so hard to build a life and this house, are you just going to give up on me" "I want to quit drinking to save our marriage" blah, blah, blah. Now I did not falter with him, I explained that I needed to do what is best for me and the children. He refuses treatment or any type of 12 step program (he has been in the past and says they are not for him). In my head I know that he cannot do this on his own. And him asking ME to help him is not right. I told him I cannot help him with this, I can support him, but not help him. I feel so strong on the outside and do not show any faltering to him...but I am so torn up on the inside. I know I am not "in love" with him, but I do love and care for him. I can see the peacefulness in the house, but for how long? Where do I go now? Do I just let him fail as I know he will and say I gave him the chance? Any advice would be appreciated.

nodaybut2day

I think that you need to readjust your thinking here. This is not a question of "letting him" do x,y,z. His actions are none of your business, nor do you have any influence over them.

I understand that you may feel at the moment that your future hinges on whether or not he finds recovery, so you feel a vested interest in what happens. This is the part where I think it would be beneficial to let go.

Take him completely out of the equation: What do YOU want? How are you going to get there? Are you getting what you NEED our of this marriage?

The way your discussion went seems to indicate that you just need to learn to trust your gut a bit more. You see the benefits of separating, but you're unsure about taking that first step yourself, or of being pegged the Bad Guy. Trust your instinct and think about putting together a plan to leave (you know, write down all the details you think are relelvant and brainstorm the crap out of them!). IF and WHEN he finds recovery, then you can *maybe* consider continuing on with the relationship. Until then, focus on you!

suki44883

You cannot "let him fail" any more than you can make him succeed. You are not that powerful. You were correct that you must do whatever is best for you and the children. What he does regarding drinking has nothing to do with you. If he wants recovery, he will work for it whether you are around or not.

SoloMio

I think you did great. Tell yourself that and go with it. No second-guessing.

I saw the most recent remake of The Wolfman last night. SPOILER ALERT...






The woman in love with The Wolfman goes to the gypsy woman to see how she can "save" him because "she knows he's in there SOMEwhere" (sound familiar?). The gypsy asks her, "Do you want to condemn him, or let him go?" and then gives her the tools she needs to do what she wants.

I was thinking to myself, I'm going to be SO MAD if the movie ends with her going off in the sunset with him--her thinking, "Well, I'll only have to run for my life once a month with the full moon."

That's not what happened, thankfully.

She let him go.