NEOMARXIST

Only a metaphorical reference in that title. Basically it seemed I lived for a good few years permanently living under a black cloud or something (metaphor again! ha-ha) Basically I suffered from really bad depression and I sort of just got used to feeling like it all the damn time. Alcohol and my 'sessions' were my way to temporarily make the black clouds lift, and they did. I remember thinking and saying that when it got to the stage where I was going to kill myself then I would make sure I bought 8 cans of K cider (9%) in and nail them and then re-evaluate. I did used to find that my depression immediately lifted when I nailed that stuff as the buzz hit and for a moment it was like all was sort of well with myself and the world. However I know in blackout then I was acting extremely depressed and it wouldn't have been long before I got sectioned if it wasn't for the fact I had parents who had witnessed it all, time after time after predictable time. The crying and the screaming etcetc. So predictable I was, although my bizarre behaviour intoxicated wasn't...

It seems strange but it does feel like all of that suffering for so many years, where so many appear to be so together (age16-23), actually enabled me to be able to see and feel the light (not a religious metaphor at all, more spiritual/love based) in that it feels like the gratitude that I have for simply not feeling like a terrible weight is around my neck, is immense. It undoubtedly is gratitude that is key to me feeling how I want to feel in my recovery. It is a great feeling to be grateful for just feeling good and happy with where I'm at. I can appreciate it as it is such a horrible depressive burden when thoughts of suicidal ideation are floating around your mind all the time and you have to drink and drug to get rid of them but you know that you've got a serious alcohol and drug problem and the thought of being faced with having to give up and quit your perceived salvation is heartbreaking. That was the situation I was in for about 3 years before I finally got sober. The whole situation alone makes you feel even more hopeless and I remember vividly feeling totally hopeless many times, another drink the only solution.

What is great about recovery is that I tend to find a similar principle applies. When I have a patch where I have to use my 'recovery tools' and really work through life on life's terms then I know that I will be rewarded by feeling great once I have finally worked through it. These 'patches' also seem to pass so much quicker now with the more sober time and experinces that I gain. It's hard to explain but it's like a see-saw effect. It's like a really good hit of gratitude, peace of mind and clarity of thought when your recovery is slightly tested and you come through with flying colours. It's a great feeling and I wouldn't want to change it for the world, let alone alcohol or drugs. They just didn't compare with the truly wholesome experience of positive, healthy recovery.

It's a good feeling to not walk around feeling darkness but instead light.

Peace

NEOMARXIST

*Edit - K cider actually 8.4%*

coffeenut

I agree with your post, Neo. The only thing I would change is the word 'only'. I'd change it to 'because'.

Because I know what a sucktacular mess I was, I NEVER want to go back there.

I think because of your age the word 'only' would work for you. I so, so applaud you for finding yourself before you became a geezer, like some of us.

Thanks for the awesome message.

NEOMARXIST

I think a lot of the gratitude I feel for just feeling happy and not depressed anymore stems from the fact that I had totally accepted defeat on numerous occassions to my depression and mental health struggle. My story is very much as much about my mental health problems as it is about drinking and drugging. Drinking and drugging became very much my solution to some restbite from my deteriorating mental health. A variety of issues that ultimately lead to terrible depression. Did the depression come first? who knows? All this was compounded by the fact that I was also a very heavy drinker. So it's very difficult to separate what is what when you batter your body and mind every weekend.

Plus I had fleeting intervals where I would feel like I had shook myself out of it and celebrate by going on manic drink and drug benders. It was a mad time of massive highs and terrible lows, nearly costing my life. I wouldn't have been able to continue on the path for very much longer. My lows were too extreme and drinking seemed the only restbite. I have a lot of respect for alcoholics who continue to drink 24/7 for years and years. I couldn't have done it, I was well and truly beaten mentally and emotionally at 23. I'd had enough.

For me then I can only appreciate what I suspect is a fairly normal state of mind ie- feeling relatively comfortable and happy, because I had accepted on many times at my lowest that my existence would be spent feeling depressed and crappy, just living for the next session to make it all go away.

I really seem to enjoy just driving myself to the shops and buying clothes for example. Simple but I appreciate it so much to be accepting of my reflection and to be at peace in my head. Drink gave me that magically for a while and I was glad to take that as at least it was some brief restbite. It was almost like a snippet of what I have now i.e- peace of mind and not clinically depressed. Even the smallest of tasks seemed like they were far out of reach, coming from somebody who had been so successful through his life prior then it was soul destroying and my self esteem was at rock bottom. What was there to live for if I couldn't even escape for a few hours?

It was painful addressing my mental health stuff and getting to the root cause, but it was so worth it. I knew deep down what needed to be sorted and addressed but it's easier to block it out with booze and drugs, so that's what i did for a good few years, losing more and more materially and mentallly in the process.

It's a daily work in progress and that's OK with me.

I love feeling good. It beats feeling how I used to feel but I only can appreciate it because I went so low mentally and emotionally. Without that experience then i would just take it for granted and have no gratitude.

Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic and addict.

Peace

DayTrader

I was going to bold the parts I tooootally identified with.....but it ended up being darn near the whole paragraph. Well put Neo.
Ha.... I used to kinda pride myself on my superhuman abilities to walk around with all this shame and guilt weighing me down yet could still act as if I was a normal person - and nobody was the wiser to what was really going on. Funny that it never really occurred to me to try something to remove those feelings..... oh well, all in due time I guess.

HIgby442

I second you DayTrader, and Neo too. I can totally relate. I used to feel the same way, but the funny thing was, when I used to drink and try to go to another world, most of the time, by the time I was done for the night I would wind up being so much worse of than had I not drank at all. Only in my sobriety did I recognize that.

Its pretty awesome these days to feel good and happy just because we are. And, when I have bad days, like everyone does, its nice to know that I am dealing with them and processing them and learning from them rather than being in a perpetual state of going around in circles that seem to close in after a period of time.

Nice post and great work!

All the best

Cottonwoodchris

All I can say (once again) is, wow, NEO. I am so blessed that I found all this wisdom, from you, DT, Higby, so many others, I just don't know what to say. it's like every word rings true. That WAS how I was, and a new sober, confident person is what I am striving to be. Thank you all.