The Co-dependent Ex who wont Move on
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: California
Posts: 6
The Co-dependent Ex who wont Move on
My ABF is struggling right now with his recovery. We've been friends since childhood and dated on and off but I was absent from the heavy drinking part in his life. His ex gf is also a recovered alcoholic from his AA. I care and miss him but have limited my contact with him so that he can focus on getting better. I am, however, concerned about his exgf's role in her being still very codependent on him.
I know she still is in love with him. Naturally she is concerned for him as am I. I never thought anything of it until but as time goes on, it is less about his individual recovery and more about her desperation to be an important part of his life again. I don't worry about him getting back with her. Yet the fact that he isn't in his best frame of mind right now, and she is manipulating her way into his life bothers me to no end. I've purposely stepped back to give him the room he needs. Relationships and recovery are very tricky and you think she would know all this and not try to take on a greater role in his life. The way I see it, she had her chance. Time for her to move on.
It is almost like she is thrilled he has relapsed so she can use it an opportunity to fix things between them. It is like she is thinking, "he still needs me!". Sick isn't it? Thankfully he isn't buying into it. They broke up for a reason. She wasn't the most stable woman. He told me things about her that affirmed that fact.
I have no interest in confronting her or really want advice I just want to vent. I want him to get well. He and I are very solid but he has already expressed concern that she is becoming obsessed with him again. I just want her to give him some peace to focus on recovery. Why can't she just be a friend and not such an obsessive needy ex? I am not part of his AA world directly. I love all his other AA pals. But she is a fruitcake and I know this is wrong to say but its making me think that maybe dating a fellow AA person isn't always the best thing clearly.
I know she still is in love with him. Naturally she is concerned for him as am I. I never thought anything of it until but as time goes on, it is less about his individual recovery and more about her desperation to be an important part of his life again. I don't worry about him getting back with her. Yet the fact that he isn't in his best frame of mind right now, and she is manipulating her way into his life bothers me to no end. I've purposely stepped back to give him the room he needs. Relationships and recovery are very tricky and you think she would know all this and not try to take on a greater role in his life. The way I see it, she had her chance. Time for her to move on.
It is almost like she is thrilled he has relapsed so she can use it an opportunity to fix things between them. It is like she is thinking, "he still needs me!". Sick isn't it? Thankfully he isn't buying into it. They broke up for a reason. She wasn't the most stable woman. He told me things about her that affirmed that fact.
I have no interest in confronting her or really want advice I just want to vent. I want him to get well. He and I are very solid but he has already expressed concern that she is becoming obsessed with him again. I just want her to give him some peace to focus on recovery. Why can't she just be a friend and not such an obsessive needy ex? I am not part of his AA world directly. I love all his other AA pals. But she is a fruitcake and I know this is wrong to say but its making me think that maybe dating a fellow AA person isn't always the best thing clearly.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Hi MissKnowitall,
It sounds like you're in a tricky situation! How long have you and ABF been back together? And when did he separate from his ex? The reason I ask this is because I separated from my AH 13 months ago. We have a daughter together. I truly loved him but he relapsed.... I came home to find him drinking at home, which was unlike him as I have strict boundaries about alcohol in the home and he had always respected that. Needless to say, he became psychotic, abusive and I called the police and he was arrested and charged. He now lives in his place and I live in mine...he is still actively drinking.
There seemed to be no chance of any type of reconciliation at all. Around 8 months after we separated, I started a friendship with a man who had been pursuing me flat out. I told him I was still in love with my ex and hadn't healed from my broken heart. He believed I would eventually come to love him and get over my ex (he has huge co-dependency issues...). I wasn't ready to get involved with anyone else and trying to start a new relationship sent me into a spin of confusion and depression. I wasn't able to handle the pressure and I had to break things off with him before I went completely insane. It was around the same time my ex and I started speaking again and we both realised we still loved each other... The new man would like to maintain contact but I've had to stop all contact with him except answering a few random text messages because it's too confusing for me and I'm not the one to give him the relationship he's looking for. I can't help wondering what sort of boundaries your bf has with his ex? Do they go to meetings together? Are they friends? He says he has no feelings for her..are you sure he doesn't?
You were brave to step back from your bf and give him some space and hopefully stepping out of the chaos will give you time to think about things... For me, I'm back in the Al-Anon program because I need to be there and finally I'm able to leave my ex's recovery or lack thereof to him.....Step 1 complete! Yay!....All the best to you...
It sounds like you're in a tricky situation! How long have you and ABF been back together? And when did he separate from his ex? The reason I ask this is because I separated from my AH 13 months ago. We have a daughter together. I truly loved him but he relapsed.... I came home to find him drinking at home, which was unlike him as I have strict boundaries about alcohol in the home and he had always respected that. Needless to say, he became psychotic, abusive and I called the police and he was arrested and charged. He now lives in his place and I live in mine...he is still actively drinking.
There seemed to be no chance of any type of reconciliation at all. Around 8 months after we separated, I started a friendship with a man who had been pursuing me flat out. I told him I was still in love with my ex and hadn't healed from my broken heart. He believed I would eventually come to love him and get over my ex (he has huge co-dependency issues...). I wasn't ready to get involved with anyone else and trying to start a new relationship sent me into a spin of confusion and depression. I wasn't able to handle the pressure and I had to break things off with him before I went completely insane. It was around the same time my ex and I started speaking again and we both realised we still loved each other... The new man would like to maintain contact but I've had to stop all contact with him except answering a few random text messages because it's too confusing for me and I'm not the one to give him the relationship he's looking for. I can't help wondering what sort of boundaries your bf has with his ex? Do they go to meetings together? Are they friends? He says he has no feelings for her..are you sure he doesn't?
You were brave to step back from your bf and give him some space and hopefully stepping out of the chaos will give you time to think about things... For me, I'm back in the Al-Anon program because I need to be there and finally I'm able to leave my ex's recovery or lack thereof to him.....Step 1 complete! Yay!....All the best to you...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear Miss:
But how do you know all this about Ms. X? If she's contacting you directly, then you can just ignore her. But I get the feeling that it's your boyfriend who's been making a point of relaying all this information and drama to you, and he needs to knock that off.
It's a boundary thing, isn't it? If his ex is trying to contact him, it's actually pretty easy for him to not pick up her messages, not see her, etc. To tell her firmly, "I care about you, but I've moved on." People do that all the time. If he's not ready to do that he's not ready for a new relationship.
I'm friendly with my ex-boyfriends, but we're not close chums. If one of them kept pushing for more contact and intimacy, I'd shut them down 'cause it's not appropriate and not what I want. Really doesn't have to flower into a whole drama! And why on earth would I even drag my husband into it?
Which I know you know, just thought it might help if I shared.
But how do you know all this about Ms. X? If she's contacting you directly, then you can just ignore her. But I get the feeling that it's your boyfriend who's been making a point of relaying all this information and drama to you, and he needs to knock that off.
It's a boundary thing, isn't it? If his ex is trying to contact him, it's actually pretty easy for him to not pick up her messages, not see her, etc. To tell her firmly, "I care about you, but I've moved on." People do that all the time. If he's not ready to do that he's not ready for a new relationship.
I'm friendly with my ex-boyfriends, but we're not close chums. If one of them kept pushing for more contact and intimacy, I'd shut them down 'cause it's not appropriate and not what I want. Really doesn't have to flower into a whole drama! And why on earth would I even drag my husband into it?
Which I know you know, just thought it might help if I shared.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also posted there.
Based on the information in your post, it appears the ex gf is taking on responsibility for your friends recovery. That the job of his sponsor. Hopefully, he will find his way through this added attention with the help of his sponsor.
Not much you can do otherwise. You did not cause it. You can not control it. You will not cure it.
Vent away if needed.
How are you doing in taking care of your needs during this transition?
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also posted there.
Based on the information in your post, it appears the ex gf is taking on responsibility for your friends recovery. That the job of his sponsor. Hopefully, he will find his way through this added attention with the help of his sponsor.
Not much you can do otherwise. You did not cause it. You can not control it. You will not cure it.
Vent away if needed.
How are you doing in taking care of your needs during this transition?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Enabling Ex Won't Leave, Might Be Manipulating
The reason I brought this up is that I notice the alkie/addict ex is STILL in his life. He has lost at least one succeeding date because they got tired of his still keeping regular contact with the ex 'because' of a child that isn't his(he says).
She made a surprise open appearance at a family gathering over the last year. BUT any contact since has been secretive. She has been caught with him recently and went out of her way not greet or talk to any one leaving as soon as possible.
The alkie/addict has had changes in his vocabulary shall we say that would coincide with her spirituality. His behavior has gotten worse but I feel she is either feeding him crap, manipulating him and/or wants him back for what ever reason(apparently she's done better without him). I just can't see this going anywhere especially when he talks about his new 'friends' quite casually and openly wears their gifts.
In the past she tried to keep an eye on him to the point of letting her child stay in day care a few extra hours so she could hang with him as to make sure he did go any where for the afternoon. This from his mouth and piecing together some facts.
With his gypsy lifestyle he has benefitted staying at her place on more than one occasion.
The big problem and point I guess is that when together it minus well have been 10 years ago when all his/their problems were brewing or already in full swing. Not much has changed since. It's the same old stuff & it was not pretty the first time around.
She made a surprise open appearance at a family gathering over the last year. BUT any contact since has been secretive. She has been caught with him recently and went out of her way not greet or talk to any one leaving as soon as possible.
The alkie/addict has had changes in his vocabulary shall we say that would coincide with her spirituality. His behavior has gotten worse but I feel she is either feeding him crap, manipulating him and/or wants him back for what ever reason(apparently she's done better without him). I just can't see this going anywhere especially when he talks about his new 'friends' quite casually and openly wears their gifts.
In the past she tried to keep an eye on him to the point of letting her child stay in day care a few extra hours so she could hang with him as to make sure he did go any where for the afternoon. This from his mouth and piecing together some facts.
With his gypsy lifestyle he has benefitted staying at her place on more than one occasion.
The big problem and point I guess is that when together it minus well have been 10 years ago when all his/their problems were brewing or already in full swing. Not much has changed since. It's the same old stuff & it was not pretty the first time around.
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