can't find my peace

Old 09-26-2010, 06:17 PM
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can't find my peace

i know i should be ok. I am trying very hard not to give into any of the feelings that keep coming over me. i am figthing every second with guilt he put in my head, with desporation, missing him and hating him all at the same time. can't seem to find that one place i need to keep going to to find some kind of path. He is in rehab for the second time since i have been with him and countless times before. recovery is not new to him and i know this time is not the end either. I did break up with him even before he went to rehab - he went there so he is not on the street. Called me few times with the conversation ending "you killed me, you are a killer". it is hard to hear it especially that i do feel guilty for throwng him out on the street. i know he has no where to go not even his mother wants to deal with him. Which is almost good since she is an alcoholic herself. i don't know how to get myself out of this!
the rehab called me today to tell me he is going inot the psych ward at the hospital - he is having a very hard time at rehab...not sure what that means but ok. he is not on the street i guess. i feel trapped - can't move on and can't go back...
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:40 PM
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Lovechild, I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I did want to write though and remind you since you have forgotten tonight that you DO have the POWER to MOVE ON. You just forgot. You are wrapped up in the emotion... in the moment. You absolutely have the power to control your life and how you react to the people and situations in it. Have you been to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? That's where many people realize that they do have the power and control over their own lives and they are not to be held hostage by the life that the addict has created for him or herself. You can do this. Seek the resources and be strong. You are stronger than you realize.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:46 PM
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I know the feeling of being trapped you speak of...it's a horrible feeling and i am praying for you tonight. MyXBF finally got arrested last weekend, surrounded by police and cracked out of his mind. It took them a day to process him he was showing his butt so bad. They had to put him in the rubber room in the jail for fear of him killing himself. I could tell you some stories.... Anyway i can sympathize with you and i am hoping you find strength.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:27 AM
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thank you 1love for your post. my exbf is in psych ward right now - called me to tell me he has a big problem - everyone there is treating him like sh... they are telling him what to do and when to do it. i told him they are supposed to do that - he started saying well how would you like it if i just bashed my head in..- i didn't let him finish i just hung up the phone. can't even listen anymore...i hope for his sake he will find his way somehow. i am finally letting go of him and with that there is a ray of sunshine somewhere on the horizon...i just hope i can stay focused on that and not turn to see if he is ok.....thank you for your post!
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:11 AM
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Not your fault

Lovechild,

it is not your fault that he used and its not your fault that he needs help and is in rehab. Dont let him guilt you like that. Until he takes his problem serious he is going to try and blame everyone and everything but himself. I have been there and i was made to feel like if i didn't help him or stick around and babysit him that he would not survive, die, kill himself etc. I soon realized that is just enabling him to keep doing what hes doing in a comfy safe environment. I kicked my exabf out too. he tried like hell to get his foot back in the door, tried every sweet talking, promising to change and get well, every line in the book to get me to let him back in. You have to let him hit rock bottom and figure out what he wants to do for himself. Just focus on taking care of yourself, your own well being. its hard at first because ina sense we are addicted to the addict but you will get through it. you have to detox from him in a sense.
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